Don’t withdraw into yourself: how to survive the betrayal of a loved one

The betrayal of a loved one is that unexpected blow of fate that you never expect.

When the one whose heart beats in unison with yours betrays you, when you breathe hard from pain, thoughts obsessively do not allow you to sleep, pain haunts you. She cannot be cured with pills; she will return tomorrow or in a month. And throughout your life, even if the cheater has long been forgiven by you, a thread of memories will stretch. How to survive the betrayal of a loved one, how to start enjoying life at least after some time? Betrayal is the collapse of trust, hopes and feelings. It seems that it is impossible to build strong relationships again if your soul was trampled by a once close and dear person. How to start living simply without tormenting yourself by searching for an answer to the question: “Why, why was I betrayed?”

Reasons why men or women cheat

The first thing any person wants to find out after cheating is the reasons that prompted their partner to take such a step. As a rule, they are quite banal.

Reasons why men cheat:

1. Ordinary. The man wanted to try something new or simply decided to prove to himself that he could still seduce other women. These are mostly one-time connections.
2. Alcohol. Many infidelities among men occur “in a drunken shop.” Alcohol clouds the mind and activates male instincts. Treason committed under the influence of alcohol should not be taken seriously.
3. Differences in temperaments. If a man lacks sex, he will look for it on the side. This is not an excuse. It is a fact.
4. I met “the one and only.” If a couple gets together under force (the birth of a child or settlement), then after a few years the men can find a more suitable girl.
5. Weak character. Sometimes a man simply “cannot resist” under the influence of a more temperamental woman.

Reasons why women cheat:

1. Misunderstanding. The woman believes that her partner is not able to understand her and is looking for attention on the side.
2. Revenge. Girls rarely forgive cheating. They try, at a minimum, to answer their partner in kind.
3. Lack of love. If partners do not find love with each other, they try to find it in someone else.
4. Long absence of a companion. The partner is constantly away and spends little time with the girl. She begins to seek attention from other men.
5. Spontaneity. If the relationship began spontaneously, it may end in betrayal and separation.

In any case, if a couple sincerely loves each other, the partners will never cheat. Even under the influence of alcohol.

Forgive

Many women, after their experiences and painful thoughts, “swallow” the insult and forgive the unfaithful man, hoping that “just once and it won’t happen again.” They forgive because there are children, a shared living space, there is no particular choice, and it’s simply scary to break off a relationship that has existed for a relatively long time. It also happens that betrayal really only happens once. But more often the opposite happens - if a man has already crossed this line of permissibility once (for any of the above reasons), then it will be much easier for him to do the same thing a second time: they will still forgive him.

Stages of experiencing betrayal

All our feelings change over time, acceptance of a situation goes through several stages, and what at first seemed completely impossible can at some point become the norm of life. Therefore, how to survive a partner’s betrayal can be guided not by the advice of friends, but by the stages necessary for our psyche to accept and respond adequately in any situation.

Stage 1. Shock, stress, denial

Mostly last from a couple of minutes to several days. If a woman only suspects cheating, she will try to find excuses for her husband and will want to shield him from herself. But the husband’s confessions are not always direct evidence of betrayal: “Well, what are you making up? Are you beside yourself, dear?” Shock makes it difficult to think clearly. How to survive betrayal.

Stage 2. Anger at yourself

A woman begins to look for the reason for men’s leftward movements within herself. Often this stage passes in a couple of hours, but it can last for several weeks, or even longer. The girl tries to analyze her actions, words, evaluate her appearance and her skills in different areas of life. She imposes on herself responsibility for the fact that her beloved chose someone else over her. It is better to go through this stage as quickly as possible, because long soul-searching does not solve the problem, but only extends it over time.

Stage 3. Aggression towards partner and lover

This period is important, because a person needs to switch aggression towards offenders in order to protect his psyche from “burnout.” It lasts for several weeks. A woman needs to throw out her anger at her husband and his mistress, and a desire for revenge appears. How to survive betrayal. But if you want to save the marriage, you will have to behave more restrained, since your mistress can use all your actions against you: “Look what she really is like. You lived with a monster!”

Stage 4. Inability to look into the future

Betrayal pulls a lady out of her usual way of life. If yesterday she was confident in the future, today she is afraid to look into the future, because the relationship will never be the same as before. Cheating undermines the most important thing - trust. It becomes especially scary when a man suggests breaking up, because then a woman’s life will become truly different.

Stage 5. The desire to return everything to its place

Our psyche seeks stability and comfort, so the wife begins to be overwhelmed with a feeling of love for her husband. Yes, the hatred has already passed, and the girl is ready to forgive the betrayal, if only her sweetheart was there as before. Betrayal to some extent helps to rethink our attitude towards each other and understand how important and necessary a person is to us.

Stage 6. “No” to the past

At this stage, if the marriage has survived, the spouses will try to rebuild the relationship. But it’s hard for a woman to trust her husband; she always wants to reproach him with betrayal, control him and demand new vows. It is better to restrain yourself; excessive display of resentment will not lead to anything good. It’s a good idea to redirect anger in another direction, for example, take care of yourself (sports, proper nutrition, style, and so on). In the case when the couple has separated, this stage serves as a kind of springboard for the woman to re-accept herself and start a different life.

Stage 7. Exhaustion

This period begins about six months after the incident. The spouses are tired of fighting, proving something, making peace and forgiving. They are mentally and physically exhausted. They become indifferent: the wife does not have the strength to return her husband to the family, or, if the spouses separated, coldness appears in the relationship. This stage simply must be survived. And, by the way, now you shouldn’t make important decisions about how to survive betrayal!

Stage 8. Conclusions

In the period from six months to a year, both the man and the woman make conclusions: whether they should really continue the relationship, whether they can trust each other, whether they can love again, support, and so on. As a result, they either finally break up or build a stronger union.

What does it mean to “survive betrayal”?

Does this mean that you never think about the problem again, never get hurt or angry? Does this mean you no longer blame your partner (or yourself)?

When people talk about getting over infidelity, they often mean different things in terms of what the outcome will look like or what it will take to get there. What does the recovery result look like? It's important to know where you want to go before you create a plan that will get you there.

For some people, taking revenge on a partner can be an important part of being able to survive infidelity. But demanding retribution or punishing the cheater after a certain time does not strengthen the marriage or promote a feeling of intimacy. Long-term revenge may be satisfying in the short term, but it almost always keeps you stuck in the past.

Going out of your way to show consideration, care, and love can sometimes serve as concrete expressions of remorse or a desire for change. When people want to stay in a relationship, surviving infidelity means striving to strengthen and maintain the relationship.

You won't be able to move forward if you remain with one foot out the door.

Uncertainty, which allows you to spend energy in a constructive way, drains it, and it is necessary for relationships to improve.

If, however, you decide to end the relationship, getting over the infidelity means no longer obsessing over the problem or your partner. This means redirecting your thoughts and behavior towards building a new life.

How to recover from the betrayal of a loved one

The main mistake of many people who have experienced betrayal is that they try to prohibit themselves from suffering. A person constantly convinces himself/herself “I am stronger than all this”, “I will endure”, “he/she will not wait for my tears”. As a result, feelings of resentment and pain, without finding a way out, accumulate inside and over time begin their destructive effects. Therefore, the main advice of psychologists in this situation is that a person should allow himself to suffer. This will reduce internal tension and ease the pain a little.

Sometimes a person’s first impulse after betraying a loved one is to try to drown out the pain with plenty of alcohol. But it is a myth that alcohol heals. A drunken hysteria will not help the proper outburst of negative emotions. The next day they will return and even in greater quantities.

To cope with the betrayal of a loved one, most psychologists advise:

1. Try to forgive this person and let go of your resentment.
2. Treat what happened as just another life experience, albeit a negative one.
3. Avoid receiving negative emotions from the outside. Try not to watch sad movies or listen to sad music.
4. Do not judge or belittle yourself under any circumstances. Betrayal by a loved one means that something is wrong not with you, but with him.
5. Do something pleasant and useful for yourself. Buy something you've been dreaming of for a long time, sign up for interesting courses or webinars, visit a spa.
6. Bring bright impressions into your life - go to the theater or concert.
7. Make cosmetic repairs and rearrangements at home.
8. Try yourself in some extreme sport. For example, take a parachute jump.
9. If you are ready for radical changes in your life, then consider moving to another city or even country.

And don't forget to listen to your inner voice. If you want to be alone, then don’t force yourself, turn on loud music at home, give free rein to your feelings. If you feel that you don’t want to be alone with your experiences, then spend time with friends.

What to do to survive betrayal?

Betrayal brings pain and disappointment, especially to the person who never expected to be betrayed. The brain tries to comprehend what happened, the heart is torn by injustice, and the body does not want to accept the affection of a stranger. How to survive betrayal with dignity and at the same time, if you want, maintain the relationship?

If you are the cheated partner, you may find it helpful to learn what actions the cheating partner can take to help you get over the betrayal.

1. Acknowledgment: The cheating partner develops and expresses a clear understanding of what happened and its consequences.

2. Responsibility: The cheating partner bears full responsibility for the decisions and choices involved in reconciliation.

3. Remorse: The cheating partner expresses a sincere feeling of deep sadness, sorrow, or even pain for the harm they caused.

4. Reparations: The cheating partner engages in positive actions designed to minimize the harm and associated negative consequences associated with his or her actions.

5. Change: The cheating partner promises not to harm the injured partner in the future:

• agrees not to harm the injured partner in the same way;
• changes the conditions that contributed to the previous problem;
• acts differently when faced with similar situations in the future.

6. Release: the betrayed partner forgives the offense, voluntarily giving up the right to continue to punish his partner for what happened or to demand further retribution.

7. Reconciliation: Both partners commit to rebuilding a relationship based on mutual trust and caring.

How to deal with surging emotions

In a state of shock, a person's muscles are in constant tension. This condition leads to muscle tension, which is the cause of many diseases. It is important to relax during this time. Without control over emotions, it is impossible to survive your spouse’s betrayal without consequences.

If you feel panic and despair after what happened, you need to lie on your back and put your hand on your stomach. You need to take a few deep breaths. When the body relaxes, tears may flow from the eyes, and the heart and soul will begin to ache. You shouldn’t hold back, you need to cry a lot, while not forgetting to breathe deeply.

To deal with emotions:

1. We need a change of scenery.
2. You should go to the sea or go to a sanatorium.
3. Stay with a close friend or relatives whom you haven’t seen for a long time.
4. It is necessary to walk in the fresh air.
5. Visit spas, exhibitions, museums.

This will give you the opportunity to calmly reflect.

Break off the relationship or save it?

Having experienced the first emotional shock after betrayal, partners begin to ask one simple question - what to do next? There are only two options here - forgive or break up.

First of all, it is worth analyzing what connects the partners. If the marriage was built only on joint care of children, it is unlikely that it will be possible to save the relationship. On the other hand, if a couple has minor children, it makes sense to save the marriage so as not to leave them without one of their parents.

The reason for the betrayal is also an important factor.

If it was a casual relationship under the influence of alcohol, there is no reason to worry. Of course, this is unpleasant, but we should not forget that the betrayal in this case occurred in a semi-inappropriate state, when the person did not control his thoughts and actions.

It's another matter if the partner deliberately cheated on his partner. The majority of couples then break up. Spouses cannot forgive each other that a person deliberately preferred someone else to them. This is primarily due to the feeling of humiliation experienced by the offended party. Dealing with it is not so easy.

In any case, it is important to remember that restoring a relationship after cheating is very difficult. You should not think that after reconciliation, the partners will immediately begin to communicate in the same way as before. Psychologists compare trust to a glass. When it falls, it breaks into many small pieces

They can be glued together, but nevertheless, traces of the fall will still be visible. Only a caring attitude and time can dull the bitterness of betrayal. This requires the mutual desire of both partners.

Who betrays more often?

People for whom loyalty, trust, reliability and honesty are not special values ​​betray more often.

Also, those who endure too much betray more often than others. After all, if a person does not express his dissatisfaction, he is always sweet and good, always so correct. That is, there is a risk that sooner or later he may express his accumulated negativity “behind his back.” That is, not directly, but, for example, through betrayal or gossip.

How to survive betrayal and breakup?

Often, the fact of sexual infidelity becomes a serious test in the relationship of two people. Practice shows that in 86% of cases, betrayal of a partner in a family becomes a psychological trauma. In 62% - the reason for breaking up relationships, divorce. A feeling of abandonment, uselessness, pain, guilt, resentment - these are the feelings of someone who has been cheated on. The familiar world collapsed. Trust, like fragile Bohemian glass, broke into hundreds of small particles. The one they loved betrayed.

The consequences of betrayal and loss of a partner are often accompanied by sleep disturbances and eating disorders. Chronic diseases worsen and new, psychosomatic diseases are acquired. Constant bad mood and a feeling of loss even lead to thoughts of suicide.

If you have a full “bouquet” of symptoms or an unwillingness to live, a consultation with a psychiatrist or neurologist is recommended.

However, the main thing that a person needs in this situation is support, participation and attention.

Here's a short course in surviving cheating:

Start chatting

The feeling of abandonment leads to the idea that no one needs a person at all. Everyone has a “soul mate,” and the loner is pitiful and uninteresting. In fact, there are always people around who care. There are also single friends who will gladly respond to an offer to spend time together.

It is worth remembering all your friends, acquaintances, close people, relatives. Note for yourself where and when you met, what you did, what moments of spending time with them brought joy and pleasure. Think about when and with whom you can meet in the near future, what pleasant and interesting things you can do. Who to visit, call. Plan specific dates and be sure to do it.

Expand your social circle

If your friends are your husband’s friends, and you feel uncomfortable with them, you can broaden your horizons and meet new people. There are a lot of clubs, public entertainment organizations, private master classes, support groups, gyms, swimming pools, yoga centers that can interest you with their activities and become a source of new acquaintances.

Think about what you like or were once passionate about. Maybe there is something left that I wanted to do earlier, but for some reason it was postponed and forgotten. The time has come to put it into practice.

Pay attention to your child

Children, as you know, are the flowers of life. However, if you don’t take care of the flowers - water them, fertilize them, protect them from strong winds, frosts and pests - they can get sick and die. An irritated, lost parent has a detrimental effect on the psyche and inner world of the child. Right now you need each other more than ever.

Spend time together. Walk, joke, watch a funny movie, find common interests, hug and tell him how much you love him.

Remove your ex's personal belongings

If your partner, perhaps already an ex, lives separately, not in the family, but at the same time his things surround you, constantly catch your eye, reminding you of him, of what happened, and causing pain, remove them.

Sometimes you have a strong desire to tear your shirts into shreds or throw them out of the window: don’t restrain yourself, cut. Let your anger come out.

Eliminate guilt

“It’s my own fault” – a familiar phrase? I would like to remind you that relationships are the work of two people and, no matter what happens in the relationship, both are to blame. One withdrew, the other shifted responsibility, became cowardly, let it take its course - it will sort itself out. Reluctance to resolve issues that arise leads to discord and rupture in relationships. There can be many reasons why a partner cheated: lack of sex, rare sex, intimate intimacy that does not bring satisfaction, “drunk,” love has passed, lack of sexual desire or psychological intimacy. In any case, betrayal might not have happened if the person’s position had been mature: problems need to be solved, and not avoided.

Responsibility for betrayal lies with the one who made the decision to change and cheated.

Increase your self-esteem

Self-flagellation and looking for flaws in yourself will not lead to anything good. You are no worse than the one with whom you cheated, with whom you left. There is no insurance against betrayal. They cheat on beautiful and amateurish people, smart and not so smart, successful businesswomen and housewives, well-groomed and unkempt, slender and “size +”. It's not about what you look like, what you do, how old you are, or how you cook. It's about the personal qualities of the one who cheated.

Make a list of your strengths and achievements. Answer the questions: what am I? What is my feature, uniqueness? What is my strength? Praise yourself for each item on the list, you deserve it.

Heal the grudge

Children often fall during childhood. They are hurt and offended at the same time. Physical pain is similar to mental pain. Both need to be treated. The mother feels sorry for her child, explains that this happens, helps to take safety measures in the future and heals the soul, smears the wounds with brilliant green and heals the body.

In adult life, resentment settles in the soul. Contrary to common sense, they do not try to “cure” the offense, but carefully store it in the soul, “dragging a suitcase without a handle, filled with stones” through their lives.

Unreacted, unprocessed resentment affects the quality of life. The emotional state worsens. Painful memories trigger headaches. Irritability appears, physical condition worsens, psychosomatic diseases develop, leading to serious consequences and health problems.

It is impossible to solve a problem by accumulating negative thoughts, emotions, and experiences. Resentment is a childish position. Close your eyes and take a journey into your inner world. Imagine your inner child, that little girl/boy living inside you, everyone has one. Become an attentive, caring and understanding parent to him. Take pity on your inner child, just as your mother did as a child. Take him in your arms, sit him on your lap, hug him. Pat it on the head. Say that you know what happened and understand his feelings. That you are always there and will never leave him. Tell him how much you love the baby sitting on your lap. Give him the support he needs. Be grateful that you have it. Kiss and say goodbye, see you soon. Return to the here and now.

Mental wounds do not heal unless they are treated. Live your life to the fullest. Take care of yourself and remember: there is always someone next to you who is ready to help, you just have to want it and take a step towards it.

How to help someone get out of depression

According to psychologists, the first step is to determine whether a person really suffers from depression. Often people themselves are not aware of their depression. Mostly people who are just very tired complain of depression. A person who is depressed will never say so himself. He does not complain of fatigue, personal or professional problems, he lives an ordinary life, but the world around him becomes indifferent to him.

To help someone who is depressed

, you need to act carefully and unobtrusively. Sometimes persistence is necessary, but only in certain cases.

If one of your loved ones has unexpectedly changed, become withdrawn and is trying to reduce any communication to a minimum, then it is quite possible that these are manifestations of depression. And to help him, try to get him out of his voluntary confinement. Moreover, this must be done in such a way that the person understands that his company is extremely necessary for you. Say, for example, that you cannot move the car yourself, and he will help you a lot by correcting your actions. Or that you are afraid to go alone to make any serious purchase.

Call this person more often, ask about his affairs and plans. And also constantly consult with him, if necessary, then pretend that without his help you will not be able to cope with your problems. Give him a reason to feel important.

If the attempts you make do not lead to the desired result, still try not to leave the person alone. The feeling of being “abandoned” will only worsen his condition.

Important to remember! People who experience severe pain because of someone's betrayal sometimes tend to take it out on their loved ones. But such behavior is destructive. Those you care about are not to blame. If you offend them, you will greatly regret it later.

How to survive betrayal and maintain a relationship?

Families are structured differently. Some people end the relationship as soon as they find out about their partner’s betrayal. Others are trying to save their family. It is in order to survive betrayal and save the family that you need to go through the following 6 stages.

Accept the fact of betrayal

This is the initial and perhaps the most difficult step.

The first advice from a psychologist on how to survive the betrayal of a loved one is to accept the fact of betrayal. Accepting means agreeing that there was betrayal. Do not praise it, do not agree with it, do not resign yourself and do not submit to fate. For one of the partners, accepting means saying: “Yes, I was cheated on.” For another - “Yes, I changed.” Without this, all other steps are impossible, since by denying the problem, we cannot begin to solve it.

Sometimes it takes one day to accept and admit the fact of betrayal, sometimes it takes months. Don't give up if you can't do it right now, keep trying.

Find out the reason

Yes, there are reasons for cheating (and you need to accept that too). A reason is not the same as someone's fault. No one is to blame for cheating. But they happen because something is missing in the relationship, because of some kind of push.

Sometimes the reasons may not be clear enough to the partner who cheated. Without their clear and mutual understanding, it is difficult to move forward.

Change if possible

Also, in order to survive the betrayal of a loved one, you can try to change. Knowing the reason, you can think about the following questions: “What did I do (did) and what did I not do (did)? Can I give what was missing, change myself and the situation? I want this?" This is a question not only for the one who was cheated on, but also for the one who cheated.

Unfortunately, sometimes betrayal is the result of behavior that a person is not yet ready to change in himself. In this case, trying to maintain a relationship is like fighting windmills.

Articulate the value of these relationships

What about a partner is still valuable to you? Why did you get into a relationship in the first place? Why did you love each other? What would you be sorry to lose if you break up? Only by remembering what is valuable to you in a relationship will you be able to improve it after cheating. Both partners should ask this question, and only if both have sufficiently meaningful answers, does it make sense to move on.

Be patient while trust is restored

Cheating almost always destroys trust in a relationship. In some couples it recovers on its own over time. Some experience more difficulty with this: on the one hand, the person understands that the partner is not doing anything like that, but on the other hand, disturbing thoughts creep in and they constantly want to control the situation. If this is left to chance, the relationship will collapse, and it is safer to immediately involve a third party in the situation - a psychologist.

Inner traitor

Each of us has the potential to betray another person. We are not perfect, each of us has a “dark side”.

And admitting to yourself that you have an “inner traitor” makes the experience of betrayal a little easier.

When you understand that in certain situations and under certain circumstances you are also capable of betraying. Or maybe you have already had such an experience where you betrayed. This awareness helps you worry a little less about what happened or possible betrayal by other people.