How to survive betrayal? 3 stages of experiencing betrayal and advice from a psychologist.

Pain caused to loved ones is always a special pain. And it doesn’t matter whether he started an affair on the side, or whether the trip “to the left” was a one-time random event. Woman.ru will talk about how to cope with mental pain and not bury your family under an avalanche of surging feelings.

We asked our expert, Natalya Tolstoy, about how to behave if you find out about cheating.

Natalya Tolstaya is a famous Moscow psychologist, popular TV presenter and fashion writer - author of the books “The Duel with Betrayal”, “Between Sex and Love”, “Men’s Misfortunes. I cry with his tears.”

To forgive or not to forgive

Forgiving betrayal is not an easy step. Accepting and understanding the action will help you heal from trauma, understand yourself, and restore self-esteem. It is important not to confuse forgiveness with a desperate desire to save a dying relationship.

The best option is to break up, but without anger or resentment towards your ex.

These feelings poison life, interfere with the formation of new relationships, and constantly remind you of the fact of betrayal, so you need to get rid of them.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

Tips to help you forgive and survive betrayal:

• Accept betrayal as a fait accompli. To sincerely forgive your partner, you need to stop looking for excuses and hope that the relationship will incredibly return to its previous course. Instead, a person should come to terms with the act and understand whether he is ready for forgiveness.
• Don't hide your feelings. A frank conversation with the offender will help not only to understand the reasons for what happened, but also to ease the pain and gain emotional release. After hearing the traitor's version of events, a person will more easily understand the motives of his actions.
• Refuse to play the victim. Cheating is a serious offense that cannot be justified, but two people are responsible for any discord in a relationship. To forgive a partner, a person needs to analyze his own actions, admit his part of the guilt (but without self-flagellation and removing responsibility from the traitor).
• Move away. Distance yourself from the traitor, stop thinking about him, emotionally invest in other people - children, parents, friends, a new passion. Then the pain from betrayal will subside, attachment to the “criminal” will disappear, and it will become easier to forgive him.

Forgiveness should not be forced - it must come from the soul. If a person does not want or cannot stop blaming his partner for this act, he should also come to terms with this.

The easiest way is to forgive your own betrayal.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

© Kristina Kofta

How to start a new relationship: fears of deceived people

Is there a fear that the new partner will betray you in the same way as the previous one? You don't know how to cope with the betrayal of a loved one and regain trust in the opposite sex? There are two ways to start living life to the fullest again:

1. Find a few hobbies that occupy all your free time. And this is in addition to work. Sign up for English courses, go to a driving school, go to study to become a makeup artist.
2. Dedicate several weeks (months) to a rehabilitation course. Psychology is an interesting thing: you talk to a person you don’t know and won’t meet again, but you talk out your problems out loud. He, like your inner voice, will guide you.

Remember that you don’t need to burden yourself with questions about whether a person loves you, if he cheats, whether he loved you at all, and who you really were to him. This is all in the past, and the future still needs to be built.

Break up or fight for the relationship

Staying in a relationship after cheating is a risky move. Even if partners manage to reconcile and forgive each other, regaining the trust necessary for a functional union is a difficult task. A person who remains with a traitor risks his peace of mind and health - it will be difficult for him not to suspect his spouse of a new affair.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

The following circumstances play a major role in maintaining relationships:

• The original intentions of the traitor. Casual sex under the influence of alcohol and long-term, planned deception, including a double life with a lover or mistress, should be perceived differently. In the first case, the culprit often regrets, repents of what happened, and wants to turn back time. In the second, the traitor makes it clear that he is using his partner.
• Previous situation in the relationship. Cheating does not occur out of nowhere - it is the result of quarrels, separations, sexual and emotional dissatisfaction, and lack of emotions in a relationship. Understanding the motives for betrayal and their objective assessment will help you find out whether the offense was a one-time mistake or a planned betrayal.
• Partner's emotions. You need to understand whether the traitor wants to save the family (repents of infidelity, wants to atone for guilt), whether the husband is trying to help his wife survive the betrayal (or vice versa). If the culprit takes the fact of betrayal lightly and makes no effort to earn forgiveness, it is not worth fighting for the relationship.
• Family Children. Sometimes a husband and wife continue an unhappy marriage in order to raise a child in a healthy environment, wanting to spare him the stress of divorce. Whether to do so is a controversial issue. A conflict-ridden, dysfunctional family, parents dissatisfied with their marriage are sometimes worse for a child’s psyche than growing up with a single father or mother.

When making a decision, you need to calm down. This takes time - before sorting things out and making a final verdict, you should come to your senses and look at the situation objectively. It is advisable for the victim to temporarily put aside negative (resentment, anger, embarrassment) and positive (attachment, past happy memories) feelings, and then impartially evaluate the partner’s actions.

It is not recommended to seek advice from friends, relatives, or mother. They can console, reassure, give support, support, but their perception of the situation is distorted by sympathy for the victim. If a person needs advice, it is worth contacting a family psychologist.

When choosing a specialist, pay attention to his education, work experience and your personal feelings, how much you like the psychologist. The psychologist selection service Psyinsight.ru will help you find a specialist who will suit you and will be interested in solving your problem. To get started, you need to leave a request on the website and a psychologist will contact you shortly. The session takes place online in any messenger convenient for you.

Cheating is an extreme manifestation of disrespect, after which the relationship cannot remain the same.

The act can be understood, forgiven, justified, but maintaining the union is a desperate step that can harm the well-being and psychological health of the couple. Consequences of continuing a relationship with an unfaithful person:

• developing the habit of controlling a partner and keeping an eye on him, annoying him at the slightest provocation;
• constant stress due to the likelihood of new betrayal;
• decreased self-esteem, loss of self-respect;
• strengthening emotional and psychological dependence on the traitor;
• loss of opportunity to form healthy connections;
• developing beliefs that cheating is normal, becoming accustomed to cruel, disrespectful behavior;
• constant temptations to take out a grudge, to take revenge (including to change in response);
• living next to a person who constantly reminds you of the trauma you suffered.

Because of this, psychologists do not recommend restoring the union after betrayal. Even if the victim retains love and affection for the traitor, the fact of his action indicates a lack of mutual feelings.

According to statistics, the reason for 90-95% of cheating is not sexual desire, but the inability to satisfy emotional needs with the current partner. Unfaithful people are looking for passion, thrills, tenderness, romance, and trying to increase self-esteem. Some people derive psychological pleasure from the very fact of being able to change and hide it.

Ask yourself questions. And answer them honestly

Don't get into your partner's soul. He may, under the influence of his condition or circumstances, say something that will resonate with serious pain in your heart, and the wounds after these words will take a long time to heal, and in a week the person himself will not even remember his words.

If your partner cheated, but does not try to make amends, you should not try to reason with him. In this case, it is better to turn to yourself and ask yourself a few questions:

• How do I feel about what is happening to me? Do I agree to this?
• How do I feel when all this happens: anger, irritation, resentment, sadness?
• Am I ready to live in this situation and how long can I live like this?
• What date (what period) do I set for myself to stop enduring all this?

Is it necessary to take revenge?

Betrayal causes resentment, rage, and anger in people, which gives rise to a desire for revenge. The result of this is retaliatory betrayal, quarrels, and manipulation. In married couples, children suffer from parental scandals and are used as tools for “payback.” In rare cases, it comes to criminal offenses.

The desire for revenge after betrayal is understandable, but deeply destructive. Inflicting reciprocal pain on a former partner brings a short release, followed by new unpleasant experiences. This leads to mental disorders and loss of the ability to enjoy normal activities. Therefore, you should not deliberately take revenge on a traitor.

The best revenge on an unfaithful person is to leave the relationship with dignity and find happiness without him.

To do this, you need to engage in self-development, career, appearance, make new acquaintances, friends, boyfriends. This will help you cope with a breakup, get rid of complexes and feelings of guilt, increase your self-esteem, and learn to love yourself again.

Working with a psychotherapist7

During psychotherapeutic sessions, you will need to interact a lot with your partner, discuss each other's expectations, promote personal development, and do everything to resist the routine that is destructive to feelings. If people truly love each other, they will understand that they are going to stay as a couple.

After an experience of infidelity, a person often suffers from fear. He is afraid of encountering the same event again. There is a desire to control and check a partner. However, this will only provoke further destruction. Trust in relationships will have to be rebuilt using a different approach. Giving the wrong party a second chance is considered a more constructive approach than numerous checks and controls.

The unfaithful spouse will need to demonstrate on an ongoing basis that his partner is the most important thing to him, that he cares, and that he wants to change. If you manage to overcome betrayal with great difficulty, then the marriage will be much stronger.

How to survive your husband's betrayal

Male infidelity is a great stress and grief for the wife. The loss of stability associated with having a husband, a drop in self-esteem, and a feeling of betrayal have a negative impact on the quality of life and psychological well-being. To cope with the situation, you must follow the following recommendations:

• Stop comparing yourself to your rival. Contrary to stereotypes, men do not choose only beautiful, young, sexy girls to cheat on. Anyone can become a competitor - it depends on many uncontrollable factors.
• Work on self-esteem. The easiest way is to take care of your own appearance: attend makeup and manicure courses, work on your figure, try a new clothing style. These activities will distract you from negative thoughts after cheating, and the new image of a “desirable woman” will get rid of your complexes and attract the attention of men.
• Take care of your health. The female body reacts violently to stress, which manifests itself in the occurrence of specific sexual diseases. Therefore, it is recommended to visit a psychologist, endocrinologist, or gynecologist.
• Reconsider the value of a man. Despite the marriage, the husband remains a free man, free to leave or stay. If he decided to cheat and did not honestly end the relationship, then he was not a valuable partner to begin with.
• Find support. Talk to friends, speak out on a forum, find a community of help for survivors of betrayal. Talking to someone who understands can sometimes ease emotional baggage just as well as professional therapy.

A woman will be able to survive betrayal more easily if she knows the myths about male infidelity:

• Men don't cheat because of their appearance. According to statistics, most cheaters do not consider their mistresses more beautiful than their wives. Therefore, developing complexes and comparing yourself with your rivals is a waste of time and nerves.
• The woman is to blame for her husband's betrayal. Problems in the relationship that led to betrayal lie with both companions. But the final decision to deceive, and not to part with the world, was made by the husband. The wife has every right to be angry and not blame herself.
• Male infidelity is “better” than female infidelity. Legends that a husband cheats “physically, not spiritually,” “is polygamous by nature,” and so on are excuses for self-justification and deception of naive girls. The severity of the act does not depend on gender. A wife has the right to judge her unfaithful husband fairly.

Recovering from betrayal sometimes takes years. Sensitive people who have experienced deep emotional trauma will need help from a psychologist or psychiatrist.

The belief that a husband betrays his wife just for sex causes women to forgive unfaithful partners more often than they should. In fact, both guys and girls usually seek emotional intimacy in affairs.

Should the traitor be punished?4

There should be redemption here, not punishment. A woman should think about what he doesn’t give her? What is she missing? And demand it. For example, start from now on devoting a lot of time to her, taking her on vacation without children once a year, doing some things around the house, etc. This can be anything, as long as it satisfies the woman’s real need.

A man who comes and asks for forgiveness is ready to accept these conditions. Redemption is also necessary so that he does not forever hear from his wife: “It’s because you betrayed me.” Punishment is a fatal decision, unfortunately, many women use it because it gives them the illusion of power. Then disadvantageous roles are distributed. She is the “victim” and he is the “one who betrayed.” But where is the place for the return of love and intimacy?

How to survive your wife's betrayal

For a husband, a woman’s infidelity is not only a betrayal and a sign of the death of a relationship, but also a blow to pride and self-esteem. It is more difficult for a man to survive his wife’s affair due to the lack of support and compassion. One’s own pride, social prejudices, and stereotypes prevent a person from seeking help. He does not allow himself to cry into his girlfriend’s vest and is embarrassed to consult a psychologist. Because of this, men often choose unhealthy mechanisms for dealing with stress - getting drunk, getting into fights, taking drugs.

6 tips on how to behave after your wife cheats:

• Stop idealizing your partner, overestimating the severity of the loss. If the relationship reached the point of betrayal, the beloved woman was not as good as her husband thought about her. Probably, the relationship would have caused many problems in the future if the man had not found out about the betrayal in time.
• Understand that breaking up a relationship is not the end of life. Start communicating with new ladies, friends, family - this will help get rid of the fear of loneliness, sad thoughts, difficult memories.
• Treat female betrayal with humor. If you exaggerate an unpleasant situation and turn it into a joke, negative emotions will subside. Humor can be used to express pain and sadness without fear of showing weakness or vulnerability.
• Stop suppressing emotions. Cheating on your wife is an unpleasant, difficult situation that leaves behind psychological scars. Feeling and showing rage, anger, sadness after it is normal if you know the time and place.
• Immerse yourself in work, find a new hobby. Constantly doing something fun, useful, and interesting will help you fight difficult thoughts. By shifting his attention to his career and hobbies, a man thinks less about the unpleasant situation with his wife.
• Go on a date, get carried away with a new girl. The root of the darkest thoughts about betrayal lies in the fear of loneliness - a man is afraid that he will lose “the one” and will not be able to find a replacement. After talking with different women, he will understand that the feeling of affection and love is not unique.

It is extremely difficult for a man to get out of depression after his wife’s betrayal, especially if it is accompanied by a trial, division of property, or problems with children. Friends, an experienced psychologist, and anonymous support groups on the Internet will help you cope with betrayal.

Situation four. The first "bells"

“I saw my boyfriend’s profile on a dating site. This is not the first time - I caught him before and removed the profile. Now again. It hurts, because we’ve been together for 2.5 years. He, as I understand it, corresponds with girls and goes on dates. I’m gathering my thoughts once again - it feels like I’ve been doused with slop. There is pain, anxiety, and fear in my soul at the same time. But something needs to change. I don't know what to say when it comes. Or don’t say anything?”

Questions for the psychologist:

Why do women often “turn on Sherlock” and find reasons for concern themselves?

Women who like to get into their husband's phone or computer are women who have the attitude that men cannot be trusted. A woman needs to work with herself - why do I choose men who deceive me?

Why does a man constantly go to a dating site? Two options: 1. He is a womanizer by nature, very loving, he needs female attention 2. He has not decided whether this woman with whom I live is mine.

In the second option, this will pass when he makes up his mind. A woman can work a little on herself to resolve this issue in her favor. In the first, he will remain like this forever, and even after getting married, he will seek the attention of other women. That is, a woman first of all needs to understand the type of man.

Is the behavior of a “female detective” correct?

I am a proponent of not getting into phones and computers. If you already have suspicions, it is better to talk frankly. Say: “I feel like you are missing something in our relationship. Tell me what exactly, and I’ll try to change.” From these moments you can have very constructive and useful conversations, but you need female wisdom.

The psychology of a man is such that when he is released, he does not want to leave, and when he is held, he wants to leave. Therefore, the phrases: “I love you, and I’m very sorry that you are leaving. I can correct myself if you tell me where I am wrong. But if you choose another one, I’ll let you go” - they have a magical effect on men. The likelihood increases that the man will stay.

An important point is that when a woman finds out something, she has a whole tangle of emotions, and at these moments you cannot make decisions, find out, talk, because she will definitely do the wrong thing. Or out of anger, or out of revenge, or out of resentment. First, she needs to take some time, cool down, calm down, and go to the gym. Remove the bubbling emotions from yourself, then sit down and think: What is happening? There must be an analysis with a cool head. And only then you need to go to talk.

What not to do

When faced with betrayal, it is important to act wisely, maintaining dignity and rational thinking. By avoiding common mistakes, you can sort out relationships and survive betrayal without unnecessary stress.

Panic

The first reaction when betrayal is discovered is fear, shock, panic. The realization that a relationship has changed forever leads to anxious thoughts and irrational decisions. Attempts by the mind to cope with the situation and solve all the problems that have arisen at once lead to confusion and stress.

Therefore, you need to drive away unnecessary thoughts with an effort of will and concentrate on the current situation, calmly talking with your partner.

Trying to find a reason

Cheating is an act that is led to by many factors over which the victim has no influence.

Stereotypical excuses for betrayal, such as lack of warmth, monotony in sex, separation, may not be its cause.

Sometimes it is committed due to a pathological craving for thrills, an impulsive outburst of passion, or the natural fading of old feelings. Tormenting yourself with a search for reasons is an unproductive activity that leads to unnecessary stress.

Create a scandal

If the husband came into the house after a night with his mistress or the wife returned after cheating, you should not start a heated quarrel.

The victim, who has just learned of the betrayal, is in a vulnerable position in relation to the traitor and is unable to adequately fight back. Most likely, the partner has already prepared a line of defense and will turn the situation around in such a way that she herself will feel guilty. Therefore, it is worth entering into disputes and arguments after some time, when the pain subsides and feelings cool down.

Compare yourself with the culprit(s)

A common misconception about cheating is that the partner sees the lover as the ideal person. This is not so - a traitor can choose anyone for an affair, regardless of personal qualities, appearance, intelligence, wealth, status. Comparing yourself with a competitor, looking for weaknesses, and trying to quickly change yourself will bring nothing to the victim except emotional pain.

Betrayal is a strong shock for any person. It is difficult to get over it and forgive it. A deep analysis of the situation, psychological support from family and friends, and switching attention to hobbies, work, and relationships with other people will help you cope with trauma.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

Behavior strategy by stages

Betrayal by a loved one provokes strong negative emotions and psychological problems. To survive it, the victim needs a “reboot”, a desire to sort out his feelings and reliable support from loved ones.

Stages of experiencing betrayal:

Shock

As soon as it becomes known about the betrayal, resentment, hysteria and anger are not the best advisers. Despite the fact that it is extremely difficult to keep your mind cool and sober, this is the only option to save your family and get out with the least losses. Therefore, take a break for a few days after the tragic event and stay away from your spouse. Analyze your situation, make the right decision and act accordingly.

At the stage of shock, upon hearing about the betrayal, if the woman did not even know about it, she may deny what happened and ignore the evidence. Try with all your might to justify the traitor, going to the extent of ridiculous, delusional explanations, believing that this is a joke. This reaction is a defense mechanism that lasts from a few minutes of surprise to a week of constant denial.

Next, the brightest palette of emotions develops - from a chilling stupor to acute pain in hysterics. In any case, the ground disappeared from under our feet. The period of shock takes up to two weeks and the main thing is that at this moment there is support from loved ones and relatives. Before making fateful decisions, it is necessary to establish a connection with reality.

Aggression

The woman feels guilty for what happened and hates herself. She remembers her mistakes and misdeeds, and internally tries to share responsibility for what happened with the cheater. Does not conduct objective self-analysis.

Further, the aggression is redirected to the culprit and the mistress. Repentance and pangs of conscience are replaced by anger and rage. The spouse loses self-control, creates scandals and showdowns, and commits unusual impulsive actions in relation to the culprits of the problem.

To avoid the negative results of aggressive behavior and not lose your reputation, you should learn to “let off steam” in socially acceptable ways - go to the shooting range, join the gym, sing karaoke with your friends, play computer games.

parting

Reboot

At this time, betrayal is psychologically accepted as a fact. What to do about it and how to behave is the primary question. A typical feature of the period is a constant emotional swing: from the desire to forgive, forget everything, start over with a clean slate, to a decisive desire to burn all bridges and get a divorce.

During this period, love and passion can flare up with renewed vigor, and the “honeymoon” begins. Imaginary well-being is replaced by a feeling of deception, accompanied by quarrels and nagging. A woman constantly remembers betrayal and other negative aspects.

Recovery

The duration of this period is individual for everyone - from a week to many years. The primary goal is that life continues in a calm rhythm, without nervous breakdowns, fear of new betrayal, and old feelings return. It is important to come up with ways to increase self-esteem, make plans for every day and the future. You should not read books, watch books where the topic of betrayal is raised, listen to music that lifts your spirits. Update your wardrobe, change your hairstyle, start a hobby. After some time, everything will be forgotten and life will smoothly go on as usual.

Why does a husband cheat on his wife: physiology and love

In Russia, several generations grew up unable to express their feelings and emotions in the family. They don't hug, don't praise each other, don't kiss.

It is not customary to talk about love, your desires and needs. Over time, the emotional side was closed, the children adopted restraint from their parents .

This is how women formed a position: you don’t have to tell your husband what she wants , let him guess, and if he fails, he can be offended.

The opposite sex, in turn, does not know how to express their needs in words, and concludes: if the wife is unemotional and does not show feelings, you need to go to someone else.

A man urgently needs recognition of his merits and approval from a woman

If we consider the issue from a physiological point of view, men can be polygamous. They are fertilizers, they need to continue the race, make numerous offspring. That's why men are very attracted to sex.

A man during a midlife crisis may develop a new hobby that he wants to share with a new woman.

He strives to realize dreams that he could not previously realize due to public opinion or prohibitions. He will go looking for a lady who can appreciate his hobby, and at the same time share a bed.

Exercise to restore sexual arousal in couples

Do you want to bring back the old passion into your relationship? Let's look at a few exercises:

1. Try something new, extreme : realize secret, sophisticated fantasies, swinging, sadomasochism, attract a third person. Be careful: such measures are addictive, like a drug, and ordinary sex will no longer please your partners. It is also important to ensure that the desires of both are fulfilled, and that the desires of one do not suppress the other.
2. Do a role play . Let the partner become a beautiful stranger, bored in a bar, and the husband comes up to meet her. Or be a sexy nurse who cures her patient.
3. Make love in a new place . Add excitement, fire, extreme sports and adrenaline: try it in the elevator and or in his office.
4. Try using aphrodisiac products that will increase your sex drive.
5. Express your aggression through sex , give vent to seething emotions after quarrels and scandals to result in an act of love.
6. Don't stop getting to know each other . Change your image, find a new hobby. Let your husband see you with new eyes.

Any ideas on how to further diversify your life?
Share! And at this link there are many articles about betrayal.