Advice from a psychologist on how to let someone go from your thoughts: a review

Breaking up is a great chance to improve your life, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. At the moment it can be painful, scary, it is unclear how to continue to live without a loved one. In a sense, close people literally grow into our personality and parting becomes akin to losing a part of ourselves. Common interests, memories, plans, ideas, deeds, hopes, perception of oneself in the context of another person - all this will have to be abandoned.

This part can be pulled out at once, it can be dissolved little by little - fortunately, there is plenty of advice on the Internet, but I want to talk to you a little about something else, which, in my opinion, is much more important than specific techniques, letters of gratitude, meditation and other popular advice from psychologists. About how to go through the difficult path of separation with dignity and emerge from history as a completely different person. Stronger, more attractive. A person who is able not to break down, not to get stuck alone, but to make his next romantic story better.

Therefore, since you find yourself in such a difficult situation, let’s figure out how to get out of it with minimal losses and maximum benefit for yourself in the future.

What does it mean to let someone go?

Contrary to popular belief, letting go of a person does not mean forgetting or falling out of love. This process can be rather compared to a balloon that you like, but at a certain moment you let go of the string and it flies into the sky. Did you stop liking him because of this, should you forget about him? No. Now let's try to figure out what it means to let a person go:

letting go means learning to live and act based on your own interests;
stop controlling another person, do not interfere in his personal life;
become free;
be open to meeting new people;
enjoy every day, enjoy life;
be able to forgive (including yourself);
learn lessons from what happened;
restore harmony in the soul, become calm.

The opinion of psychologists. Letting go of a person means allowing him to live his own life, recognizing the fact that he has the right to dispose of it as he wants. It is very difficult for egocentric people to do this; they tend to quickly become attached and not let go of a person for a long time - to suffer, to follow him, to beg him to return, and even to blackmail him with suicide. All they need is for the “trophy” to be back on the shelf. Selfish people don't care about the feelings of others.

When you can't hold your loved one

You don’t need to keep a person next to you who doesn’t love you or is an open egoist

If you love, it is very difficult to let go of your loved one. People begin to make any attempts to get their partner back. In some cases, this is indeed appropriate; attempts may be successful. But in some situations no. These include the following signs:

your partner does not trust you;
the other half has no reciprocal feelings;
partners are connected exclusively by intimate intimacy;
the beloved is an obvious egoist.

Why do you need to learn to let go?

Many people don't understand how you can let go of the person you love. They quite sincerely believe that with the right efforts they can achieve a reciprocal feeling. In other words, make a person fall in love. This is where the main mistake lies.

No matter how many times you are offered apples or other foods that you hate, you will not be able to love them. Perhaps, out of pity or respect, you will eat a piece, but eat them every day? Well, I do not. Even if you paint apples orange and pretend that they are oranges, you won’t be able to deceive your taste preferences for long.

If these arguments don't seem compelling enough to you, consider this:

No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, you cannot force a person to respond to your feelings.
Instead of emotions of happiness, you will only feel suffering, self-pity, dissatisfaction, and resentment.
A person who is being forced to do something against his own will will sooner or later become irritable, lose his moral veneer, and begin to treat you with disrespect. Eventually, your self-esteem will decrease and you will become accustomed to being humiliated and flattered.
All you are doing is prolonging the agony.
Sooner or later, a depressed state will lead to depression and health problems. Some, unable to let go, commit suicide.
You have probably already noticed that the world around you and your own life have become practically uninteresting to you? If you don’t stop, you may soon lose your job, drop out of college, completely neglect yourself, and “slide to the very bottom.” Is this what you dreamed about, what you strived for?
In attempts to retain the person who is leaving, you lose precious time. The sooner you let him go, the sooner you will get a chance for a new, happy life and mutual love.

Important. Relationships should bring joy and happiness. Remember, every person is worthy of love. You should not try to please, change yourself for the sake of another. Hundreds of people are ready to love you for real.

End of friendship

Friendships are sometimes more stable than romantic relationships. Having become friends in childhood, friends can meet old age together, having managed to change more than one husband or wife throughout their lives.

Despite such strong bonds, even friendship cannot withstand loud quarrels and the force of distance. Conflicts give rise to resentment, and distance deprives people of common topics of conversation and the opportunity to diversify communication.

Understanding

If your friendship is threatened by events beyond your control, then you can simply talk about it with your friend. He is not a fool, and therefore he will understand that, for example, if you move to another place, you will no longer be able to see each other every day, watch movies together and go to parties.

Don't end your communication too abruptly. Text and sometimes call each other, tell them the news. Over time, you will find new friends, new hobbies. Because of this, your communication with your old friend will be significantly reduced.

But don’t worry, this is quite normal, because everything happens exactly the same for him. The best part is that your friendship cannot be called completely finished.

Even if you meet this person even after a few decades, you will not pass by, but hug, laugh and remember the old times with warmth.

Changes

All people change and develop, you and your friend are no exception. It may happen that at some point you begin to look at a variety of issues completely differently - from politics to raising children.

Strong disagreements can lead to quarrels and conflicts, which will call into question future friendships. It will be possible only with the great desire of two people to meet each other halfway. It's a pity, but this happens too rarely.

Remember: you don't have to think and act like your friend. You can remain in conflict endlessly, or you can simply call your ex-friend for a conversation and end everything once and for all.

Explain to him that you have become too different people and that is normal. Your differences keep you from relaxing and having as much fun as you did before. You don't need conflicts and enemies, you are two strong personalities who respect each other.

It is respect that can save your situation. No, it cannot make you friends, but it will protect you from insults and coldness from your former friend.

How to do it?

Now do you understand how important it is to let a person go? If yes, then you are already halfway there. All that is required of you next is not to resist, to allow the inevitable to happen.

Let the person go, don't hold him. Try to forgive him and wish him happiness. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Which one of us is ideal? Everything happened as it should have.

Be able to say thank you. With the departure of a person, you did not lose, but gained. He gave you invaluable experience. Even if it is pain and suffering, do not complain about fate. Take painful sensations as a chance to grow above yourself, stop getting attached to people, and learn to build happy, harmonious relationships.

He came back and then he left

The so-called vicious circle, when a man, in principle, does not want a relationship, he then disappears, but again wants to return everything. Moreover, his return usually occurs on a grand scale, with promises of eternal love, apologies on his knees, and flowers. And leaving can be either enchanting with a scandal, or quiet, without explanation. There can be several manifestations of such “love”:

Abusive relationships. A man gets high by inflicting pain; he needs a surge of emotions, which he feeds on like a vampire. In such a union there will be no chubby babies, no lavish wedding, just a repetition of pain and momentary joy. You need to not just let such a person go, but hope that he never returns. And it will disappear only when it does not find a response and recharge.
"Spare." In addition to inveterate abusers, there are also practical guys who leave an alternate airfield after breaking up. He met a new passion, but at the same time he is in no hurry to leave with all his socks. He can periodically write, call, and maybe drop by for the night. It is necessary to realize that love does not happen temporarily or on weekends. There is no need to wait for him to make up his mind, this is humiliating, he needs to be let go and forgotten.
Owner. Another specimen who, even after a breakup, needs to know that there is no replacement for him. He does not love, does not care, but at the same time he is jealous, scandalous, literally strangling with total control. This kind of behavior should not be confused with love, it has nothing in common. Even if at first such treatment may be flattering, over time you will want to howl at night from the lack of personal space.

Useful practice

Most likely, you think that when the person leaves, you will lose the ability to love (“he broke my heart,” “he tore it out and took it with him”). It is important to realize that this is not the case. Love is a wonderful feeling that will always be with you . To get back to a healthy feeling of love and happiness, try the following exercise:

When left alone, sit comfortably in a chair (there should be no extraneous noise or bright light).
Close your eyes and concentrate. Where is your feeling, your ability to love?
Find this place and then fix your attention.
Now imagine that a glow is emanating from this point. Point it at a cat or dog, a child, a wall, or a plant.
What do you want to do?

Surely you will feel the desire to clean up the house, please your child with sweets, or walk the dog (depending on where the “light” was directed). Do the practice daily, and soon the painful feeling of resentment will replace real, joyful love for others.

What not to do

Traditionally, it’s worth starting with a clause about what you shouldn’t do immediately after a breakup, so that you don’t regret it for the rest of your life. The one whose partner was everything in his life is left alone with himself, with feelings, or rather with aching pain, which, it seems, cannot be overshadowed by anything. Constant thoughts about a partner, an expression of one’s own worthlessness, uselessness, make one weak, vulnerable, and uninteresting. In this state, not the best ideas usually come to mind:

suffering, begging for a return are obviously disastrous options - in the first days the ex feels a surge of freedom, independence, and cannot be overcome by pity;
running to a bar for adventure means cutting off the possibility of renewing communication;
locking yourself at home, burning photographs in order to survive the first stage of “liberation” - there is a danger that ordinary grief will develop into protracted depression;
building a new love - without dealing with the past, you will only be able to drag the burden of worries into the future and torment yourself and the new guy;
overeating and alcohol - you obviously cannot get happiness by destroying yourself.

Advice from psychologists

Experts say that you need to let a person go from your thoughts and heart gradually.

It is very important to go through all the stages of a breakup, otherwise all the suppressed emotions will emerge at the most inopportune moment. So, how to let someone go correctly:

The first thing to do is give free rein to your emotions. Cry, scream, sob, get angry. Give yourself permission to eat away your grief with ice cream, get an extravagant haircut, write a poem, or pour out all the negativity on paper in prose.
When you calm down a little, try to assess the situation soberly. No matter how much you want, do not embellish the past and the person who left you. Divide a sheet of paper into 2 halves, write down all the advantages of this relationship in the first column, and all the disadvantages in the second. Think about it, do you really need them?
Thank the person for all the positive moments, wish him all the best.
Don't look for someone to blame. Don't delve into yourself. You can rethink the situation later, when you finally calm down.
Distance yourself as much as possible. Hide away all things that remind you of this person (photos, gifts, cards). Don't listen to tearful music, don't watch melodramas. Change your number so you don't have to constantly wait for a call.
Change your appearance. Buy new clothes, get a fashionable haircut, join the gym. You must discover the “new” you.
Start filling the resulting inner emptiness with something new and pleasant. Find something you like, get a dog, read a book, communicate more with people. If possible, you can go to the sea and travel a little.
Learn to enjoy life. Do what you want. Treat yourself to pleasant little things every day.

Make plans for the future. You can draw a “wish poster”.

Now you can look back and rethink the past. Think about what lesson fate taught you? What mistakes did you make?

After going through all the stages, you will feel like a different person. The pain will definitely subside. Sometimes it may take a month, sometimes a year. The sooner you listen to advice, the sooner you will free yourself from the burden.

Author's advice. The main thing is to overcome self-pity. Try not to think how unhappy, abandoned, lonely you are. Turn your attention to those who have it more difficult - a family whose head has died, lonely old people, children growing up in an orphanage without love and affection. Start helping others and you will heal yourself.

Practice from Jack Macania “Liberation from addiction”

The following exercise will be useful to anyone who has a painful experience of separation and does not know how to forgive and let go of a person.

Practice helps to cut the connection and stop experiencing negativity.

Let's get started:

Find a quiet place, take a comfortable position.
Close your eyes and imagine a theater scene. On it stands the person who hurt you.
Introduce yourself. You are standing on a hill or floating in the air.
Look carefully at the person. What does he look like? Describe it to the smallest detail.
Now feel the depth of your emotions towards him. The sensations should be as acute as possible.
Visualize the connection between you. How does she look? Perhaps it is thread, rope, cord or plastic tube? In what places are you connected to each other? This could be the area of the neck, abdomen, heart, arms, legs, throat, etc.
Stay in this state.
Now think about what qualities you and this person lack to make the connection less painful (at the moment)? Perhaps responsibility, love, patience, inner strength, confidence or something else? List all the resources you think are needed.
At the next stage, imagine that above the stage there is a certain source that contains absolutely all qualities (God or another Higher Power).
Ask him to give you everything you need. Feel how you are one by one filled with all the necessary resources. Feel it with every cell of your body.
Visualize how resources fill the other person through the communication channel between you. Give him the opportunity to nourish himself.
After that, take a closer look at the person. How has he changed? Has your facial expression, gestures, posture, facial expressions changed?
Talk to a person if you need it. Ask for forgiveness, even if it was he who offended you. Realize that in some way he taught you a lesson, became a teacher for you.
Break the connection. You can cut it with a sword, cut it with scissors, or do it with your hand. Record in your memory a picture of how you and that person look free.
Return to normal.

Note. Practice allows you to cut even old connections. This usually requires a one-time execution, but can be repeated several times if necessary.

No matter how much we love a person, at some point we need to be able to let him go. Each of us has our own tasks, our own destiny. Sometimes you shouldn't resist something new. You just need to let go of the reins and trust the flow.

Olga, St. Petersburg

Swap places

No wonder they say that as soon as you forget a man, he will immediately return. This is not just an old wives' saying. Anyone who wants to achieve love, the return of the past, must understand that partners must equally be dependent on each other. If one side is too overwhelmed with attention, then it will give back the same amount of care less. Therefore, as much as you want to be accepted, loved, appreciated, learn to appreciate, love, accept yourself. Stop trying to catch up, convince them of love, give them the opportunity to feel how things could be different.

At this moment the fun begins. When someone who is confident in his exclusivity does not find the usual support, his self-image begins to crumble. In this case, the crisis cannot be avoided; perhaps the man will come back with claims and conflicts. After all, if one side becomes independent and confident, the other feels discomfort. At this moment, you should not destroy your built-up understanding of yourself, or succumb to instilling feelings of guilt. He must experience an internal conflict, and then realize how wrong his assessment of what was happening was.