The news of the breakup took you by surprise.
You were not ready for this, neither mentally nor physically.
You fought to save the relationship and now you don't want to believe that this is really the end.
You can't believe the reality of what's happening.
Even if the relationship was worse than ever, the idea of living without this woman is unacceptable to you.
But it so happened that you are no longer together.
You finally begin to realize that it's over.
You have moved from the state of “Don’t leave!” to “Okay, I give up,” but you still feel an irresistible attraction to this woman and don’t know how to survive the pain of parting.
The moment you wake up alone in an empty bed, stop talking to your ex on the phone or texting her, move into another apartment or help her pack her things, you experience a terrible detachment and the weight of loss.
It can be a brutal process.
It will take a long time before you learn to enjoy life again and start investing in your own happy future.
Perhaps somewhere deep inside you knew that this breakup was approaching, but this did not save you from an unpleasant surprise.
Regardless of who initiated the breakup, you may feel paralyzed with fear, pain and despair; you don't know how to live without this person.
Below are some of the steps you will have to go through.
They happen in different orders and at different times, but these conditions are inevitable, so it is better to understand what is happening to you during the recovery process.
Thanks to a conscious approach to all transformation processes, you will understand whether it is possible to survive the pain of parting with minimal losses.
Stop asking yourself "Why?"
Why did she leave me?
Why was it only me who tried to save our relationship?
Why was I always the one who initiated sex?
Why didn’t my friends support me and take her side?
Why did I have to endure these trials and how to survive the breakup if it hurts a lot?
What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy?
When something bad happens, when we are offended or disappointed in something, the very first thing that comes to mind is the question “why?”
People need to understand what is happening to us; the instinct of self-preservation is triggered.
This helps automatically adjust our life course in a more positive direction.
But the problem is that along with the question “why?”, an obsessive feeling of self-pity and tedious lamentations appear.
You risk getting stuck searching for answers that you will likely never get.
Striving to understand “why?” becomes quicksand keeping you stuck in the past.
I have worked with many divorced men who, years later, continue to figure out why their wives left them.
They themselves were already sick of their own obsessive thoughts, but they were trapped by the idea “if I understood, I could immediately free myself and move on.
But this moment has not yet arrived, and they stubbornly continue to search for answers.
Forget about "why"!
Try not asking yourself this question and see how your condition improves!
Instead of asking yourself, “Why did she leave me?”, rephrase it into a simple statement: “She left me.”
This will bring you closer to accepting: “I really don’t know why she left me, but it happened. This is an indisputable fact."
Once you can let go of the “why,” you can freely look to the future instead of dwelling on the past.
“She left me. What should I do with my life now?
Let's look at another example: “Why do I always have to fight for our relationship?”
This is where the complaint lies.
Let's rephrase that: "I seem to be the one who's always fighting for relationships" - now that's a statement you can work with.
Once you accept this fact, you will be able to look at the situation differently and understand how to survive a breakup if it is very painful.
You can come to terms with this fact.
And although you want everything to be different, you will understand that not everything in this world can be fixed.
When you remove the “why,” the focus changes.
“Why did she leave me?” becomes “Well, she left me. Now what?".
“Why didn’t my friends support me and take her side?” turns into: “I have few friends left. How can I change this?
"What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy? turns into “I think there's something wrong with me. What should I do with this to become happy?
You spend too much emotional energy searching for answers, and it prevents you from accepting what is or opening your mind to find solutions that will lead to change.
It takes courage to stop asking pointless questions and move on.
Top 5 Best Exercises to Get Over a Breakup
Breaking up is not easy or carefree for anyone; it is stressful for both participants in the relationship; however, there are useful exercises to ease the experience. They will help you understand the reasons for the separation, allow you to understand lessons and gain experience.
Important! The exercises must be performed when the first and most severe pain has already subsided, and you are able to reason soberly and calmly.
Let's look at 5 main ones:
- Start from the beginning. Take a piece of paper and a pen and write the story of your acquaintance, your first meeting, how your relationship developed at the “dawn”. Focus on your feelings and emotions that you experienced towards your partner during meetings, dates, and at the beginning of your life together. Give a separate place to the item “unfulfilled dreams” or what hopes you had with this person.
Perhaps already at this stage you will be able to catch several points that foreshadowed failures and problems in the future. These may be various character traits or behaviors of you and/or your partner.
- In your next letter, describe how that same relationship developed. Start by describing yourself, just outside of this relationship. How you lived at the time you met, what you dreamed of, what you wanted to achieve and receive. Write what at that moment you could offer your couple, and what she could offer you.
Just imagine that you are making a film about your life and love. Tell us about the reasons for the breakup. For example, perhaps at the beginning of the relationship, you needed support, approval and help, and later you outgrew it and found strength in yourself. Or another example, you were connected by strong passion, incomparable sex, but after a few years the emotions subsided, and nothing else in common appeared.
- Analyze the breakup itself on paper. Describe the moment when the realization of the end came, how you felt at the same time. Don't be shy in your expressions, don't choose phrases. Write from the heart everything that boiled over, everything that brought pain.
Describe your fears, feelings of guilt - when they appeared, in what form; your actions and words towards your partner. This will allow you to identify mistakes, shortcomings and learn from them. Write to yourself, support yourself, get rid of guilt, you need to forgive yourself before starting a new life.
- Thankful letter. Now write lines of praise. Remember all the good moments, the emotions associated with them, joyful meetings, happy periods. Thank your ex for this.
- The last letter is the most important. Assess your current reality, opportunities and prospects. Answer the question: what kind of person do you want to see next to you in the future?
An important rule for all exercises is that you must be extremely sincere with yourself, no one will ever see these letters. Once you have worked through each exercise, feel free to burn, tear and delete these memories. If the pain from separation does not go away, exercises, advice, etc. do not help. There is no desire to live at all, you can’t raise your hands and you want to cry all the time, contact a specialist, don’t delay.
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What to do after a breakup
After the end of a long-term relationship, you cannot believe that you can be happy regardless of whether there is a woman in your life or not.
But if you want to understand how to get through a breakup less painfully, I advise you to change old habits developed in previous failed relationships.
Remove photos
Delete (yes, permanently) your love messages.
Stop tracking on social networks how your ex lives, who she is dating now, and how happy she is in her new relationship.
Stop the habit of talking about your ex
No mention of her name or talk about the last movie you saw together, no talking about her favorite songs, no need to remember how cleverly she manipulated the bar staff to get a discount on drinks (which you secretly hated).
Give yourself time to grieve
After a breakup, many guys allow themselves emotional incontinence or aggression.
They think they have earned the right to violate or ignore boundaries of normal behavior because they are hurt.
Remember once and for all: under no circumstances should you act like an asshole, get drunk, fight, or skip work.
No self pity
Overcoming a breakup is like healing a broken limb: everyone feels sorry for you for a while, but after a certain point you need to build up your own strength, otherwise you will remain disabled forever.
If you don’t know how to survive a painful breakup, then first of all, leave the house and give yourself the opportunity to distract yourself with something useful: find new hobbies, meet new people.
Forget about the proverb “they knock out fire with fire”, it doesn’t apply to your case
The worst idea when breaking up is to immediately find a new girlfriend.
It's like getting rid of a bruise with a new blow.
You are now overwhelmed with negative emotions, and this is not the best basis for a new relationship.
Give yourself a chance to cool down a bit.
Organize your free time so that you have no time to think about your ex.
What Your Brain Can Do to You: The Broken Record Analogy
- All your memories of past love , when everything was good, bloomed and smelled - it’s just an appearance. If that balance were preserved, then this would really be so. And this is an illusory appearance. This is already like a broken record, which is also broken.
- How is your brain playing tricks on you? When you had a breakup and there were a lot of mistakes that you don’t even really want to remember, your brain throws this broken record at you.
- In your head you yourself put on this broken record , where the smooth melody no longer plays, but an incomprehensible grinding sound, a pitiful semblance of a melody and only unpleasant sounds.
- This record no longer needs to be repaired ! You just need to find what you really need!
- There's no need to even try to go back . It's not worth it. Approach the situation soberly, and you will know everything about how to start living after breaking up with your loved one.
Effective pain relief: how to heal faster
When it comes to life's most stressful events, divorce or the end of a long-term relationship is the second biggest life stressor, right behind the death of a spouse.
Both can plunge you into severe depression and cause health problems.
The breakup of a serious relationship or divorce causes a panic reaction in the brain, and this, in turn, can lead to a weakened immune system and illness.
If you fall into one of these categories, you need to take care of yourself and follow all the tips I will give below.
Who do you think experiences breakups more – men or women?
Surely you will say that girls are more emotional, so it’s more difficult for them.
But in fact, it is precisely because of their emotionality that women are more resistant to stress than men.
I was contacted by men who could not come to their senses even six months after breaking up.
Their brain activity, motivation and attention decreased.
That is, experiences due to separation led to physical changes in the brain.
That's why it's so difficult for guys to come out of an overextended recovery period.
You don't need to go with the flow, otherwise it will be very difficult for you to return to normal life.
Breaking up a relationship can cause physical heart pain and shortness of breath.
Emotional stress or anger can trigger a heart attack, so in this case you need to undergo a medical examination.
Overcoming grief isn't easy, but there are several clinically proven methods to beat the blues.
I recommend you five recovery methods - support from loved ones, meditation, healthy sleep, exercise and a farewell letter to your ex (write, but don’t send).
Five ways to get over a breakup painlessly:
Recovery method No. 1
A great way to recover is to spend time with close friends, because friendly support and participation causes the brain to release natural opioids, which act as painkillers.
So go to your friends, parents, psychologist, spiritual guide or anyone else you trust.
Recovery method No. 2
Use relaxation techniques, including meditation, breathing exercises, or write down your feelings in a journal.
Meditation reduces cortisol levels and other markers of physiological stress.
Recovery method No. 3
If you have a very painful breakup, how to get over it?
My advice is to go to bed!
Healthy sleep is very important for maintaining immunity, but due to the depressive state that occurs after a breakup, insomnia may occur.
This is another reason to consider starting regular meditation.
Recovery method No. 4
Working out at the gym or walking outside for an hour can help you deal with emotional pain because physical activity releases opioids and increases endorphins.
Unfortunately, the effects of these hormones do not last long, so it is important to combine exercise with other recommended activities.
Allow yourself to leave forever: there is nothing left to decide, no need to cling
Let yourself go forever.
Understand that there is nothing and no one to resolve.
Some of you messed up and it is important to understand that this is normal.
No matter how painful it may be, give yourself the opportunity to leave forever.
Just like your partner gives himself this opportunity.
Every girl and every guy gives himself this opportunity.
Understanding this will close your worries about thoughts about how to survive the breakup of relationships with loved ones.
Mistakes and their psychological consequences
Typical mistakes made after leaving a relationship:
- They will pretend that everything is fine. In this case, negative emotions accumulate rather than spill out.
- Try to remain friends. It will be difficult to go through all the stages and reach the acceptance stage.
- To take revenge. Loss of respect from your ex-partner and friends.
- Continue to communicate even by phone or text. Each time it causes new painful emotions.
- Run after your ex-partner, ask him to come back. It will push the person away even more and cause a feeling of hostility.
- Meet periodically for intimacy. There remains hope for return, the stages of loss are not lived through, the situation drags on for a long time.
- Starting a new relationship right away without letting go of the past is a repetition of previous mistakes.
- Fall into deep depression, try to solve the problem by drinking alcohol or using illegal substances. In this case, the depressive state will only intensify.
