How to survive your husband’s betrayal and save your family: advice from a psychologist

12/09/20195 minutes read 2013

Since the beginning of time, people have made promises to be faithful to their partners, and since the beginning of time, they have broken those promises. In addition to the pain that betrayal brings to the one who was cheated on, be it a husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, it can cause the victim a feeling of guilt, betrayal, anger, own worthlessness and, of course, loss of trust.

And yet, people cheat. They do it even when they know it's wrong, even when they swore they wouldn't, and even when they might—or certainly would—get caught.

This leads to two questions: first, why? And the second is how couples can forgive and overcome this, if this is even possible.

The desire to be something other than what we are in our daily, dull monogamous lives, the thrill that comes from the “illegal,” the unpredictable, the exciting new—this is what is so attractive about cheating. And this is one of the answers to the question “Why?”

The “how” part is a little more complicated, but couples psychologists have looked at this issue because they have extensive experience helping couples who have experienced infidelity, and told us that there is hope that cheating will not necessarily lead to the end of the relationship, as many people think.

The main reasons for male infidelity

A detailed analysis of the problem can reveal several dozen different reasons for the second half’s betrayal. The reasons depend on internal psychological attitudes, which lead to infidelity. The most common ones include:

Problems at work, a midlife crisis, quarrels in the family - a man is looking for a way to relax, trying to escape from reality. At the same time, someone else’s bed here turns into a “shelter” and is perceived as entertainment.
Sexual dissatisfaction - the stronger sex is offended that the spouses no longer look and behave like they did before the wedding. The passion subsides. Husbands also seek satisfaction of unfulfilled desires, erotic fantasies, which they are embarrassed to admit or which they are denied.
There are few common points of intersection (hobbies, social circles, life goals and preferences, worldviews) - acute differences in life priorities result in a couple moving away from each other and include the desire to find a like-minded person elsewhere.
“Everyday life” - monotony, familiarity and predictability of relationships. When daily hassles and routine have long replaced romance, the husband is looking for novelty and freshness of impressions.

Other reasons include:

the need to assert one’s personality;
desire to increase self-esteem;
search for new experiences;
the desire to take revenge for the infidelity of the spouse;
the inability or unwillingness to overcome the “instinct” of a predator;
testing the strength of a marriage, the desire to “shake up” the relationship in this way.

It is very important to understand the reason for betrayal in order to reconsider the model of previous relationships and avoid betrayal in the future.

Advice from psychologists

Most psychologists say that at the slightest sign of depression, the help of a qualified specialist is necessary. But in our country, going to a psychologist is still not perceived by many people as treatment. Many people are embarrassed to reveal their secrets and fears to a complete stranger, for fear of looking stupid or humiliating. In this case, only one thing is recommended - communication. Friends, new acquaintances, meetings - all this will help overcome internal tension. The main thing is to overcome your fears at the beginning of the path to healing, and within a few days you will begin to experience all the delights of life. It is also recommended to fill your free time with something useful and interesting. For example, go deeper into work, or learn a new activity. It could be something you've always wanted to learn but always put off until "free time." Remember - this time has come. Here and now.

Remember, to prevent depression, in difficult situations you should not delve into yourself and your thoughts, but try to solve the problem rationally.

Signs of betrayal

In order to prevent a series of infidelities as early as possible and stop adultery, some changes in the behavior of the other half should not be ignored, for example:

sexual interest has disappeared or been reduced to a minimum;
avoiding hugs, light kisses;
new habits;
constantly getting stuck on the phone;
unexpected change of image, perfume, special attention to appearance;
setting passwords and clearing message history;
increased care for the car;
suspicious spending, buying a new car and expensive items;
the appearance of constant business, business trips.

These indirect signs may indicate an impending or accomplished fact of betrayal. Think about what you can do to prevent a tragic scenario from developing.

Behavior strategy by stages

Betrayal by a loved one provokes strong negative emotions and psychological problems. To survive it, the victim needs a “reboot”, a desire to sort out his feelings and reliable support from loved ones.

Stages of experiencing betrayal:

Shock

As soon as it becomes known about the betrayal, resentment, hysteria and anger are not the best advisers. Despite the fact that it is extremely difficult to keep your mind cool and sober, this is the only option to save your family and get out with the least losses. Therefore, take a break for a few days after the tragic event and stay away from your spouse. Analyze your situation, make the right decision and act accordingly.

At the stage of shock, upon hearing about the betrayal, if the woman did not even know about it, she may deny what happened and ignore the evidence. Try with all your might to justify the traitor, going to the extent of ridiculous, delusional explanations, believing that this is a joke. This reaction is a defense mechanism that lasts from a few minutes of surprise to a week of constant denial.

Next, the brightest palette of emotions develops - from a chilling stupor to acute pain in hysterics. In any case, the ground disappeared from under our feet. The period of shock takes up to two weeks and the main thing is that at this moment there is support from loved ones and relatives. Before making fateful decisions, it is necessary to establish a connection with reality.

Aggression

The woman feels guilty for what happened and hates herself. She remembers her mistakes and misdeeds, and internally tries to share responsibility for what happened with the cheater. Does not conduct objective self-analysis.

Further, the aggression is redirected to the culprit and the mistress. Repentance and pangs of conscience are replaced by anger and rage. The spouse loses self-control, creates scandals and showdowns, and commits unusual impulsive actions in relation to the culprits of the problem.

To avoid the negative results of aggressive behavior and not lose your reputation, you should learn to “let off steam” in socially acceptable ways - go to the shooting range, join the gym, sing karaoke with your friends, play computer games.

parting

Reboot

At this time, betrayal is psychologically accepted as a fact. What to do about it and how to behave is the primary question. A typical feature of the period is a constant emotional swing: from the desire to forgive, forget everything, start over with a clean slate, to a decisive desire to burn all bridges and get a divorce.

During this period, love and passion can flare up with renewed vigor, and the “honeymoon” begins. Imaginary well-being is replaced by a feeling of deception, accompanied by quarrels and nagging. A woman constantly remembers betrayal and other negative aspects.

Recovery

The duration of this period is individual for everyone - from a week to many years. The primary goal is that life continues in a calm rhythm, without nervous breakdowns, fear of new betrayal, and old feelings return. It is important to come up with ways to increase self-esteem, make plans for every day and the future. You should not read books, watch books where the topic of betrayal is raised, listen to music that lifts your spirits. Update your wardrobe, change your hairstyle, start a hobby. After some time, everything will be forgotten and life will smoothly go on as usual.

Nervous stress

Some women experience nervous stress after betrayal. And they even have thoughts of killing themselves. This is the worst thing that can happen. Try to understand that everything in the world is interconnected and this test was not given to you by chance.

Perhaps it was sent to appreciate the new life partner who will definitely appear to give joy and happiness. If it’s difficult to get rid of bad thoughts and you don’t know how to get out of depression after your husband’s betrayal, visit a professional psychologist. A specialist will help restore peace of mind.

Remember that divorce will not save you from pain. It takes time to heal.
We haven’t yet come up with a way to survive betrayal quickly.
You can try to speed up the process in yoga classes. They relax well and return peace and tranquility to the soul.
If your current situation is like a terrible dream, and you dream of waking up and returning to your past life, you need to forgive all the insults to your husband and start all over again with him. When he wants the same thing, restoring the family is not difficult. You just need to be honest with each other and explain yourself directly. Listen to your spouse’s wishes, voice yours, and try to make family life such that the thought of cheating never enters a man’s mind.

To forgive or not to forgive

Forgiving infidelity is a difficult step. You shouldn’t accept a desperate desire to save a dying relationship with understanding and acceptance of wrongdoing. To save your marriage you need to restore your self-esteem, heal from trauma and understand yourself.

Several reasons when reconciliation may be more beneficial than separation:

the partner feels guilty, sincerely regrets what he did, promises that this will never happen again, and is ready to work to correct the situation as a whole;
presence of children;
one-time connection, momentary recklessness, the effect of alcohol intoxication;
You were in a long, happy relationship before the infidelity.

Do not forgive deception at the beginning of family life or the habit of cheating. If you understand that the relationship is doomed, betrayal is the result of the fact that you no longer have anything in common, you are no longer attracted to each other, then look at this as a reason to break up.

Advice from people recovering from depression

The time it takes to get out of depression independently is determined solely by the individual’s individuality. We invite you to read the advice of people who have gone through a difficult period in their lives.

Svetlana, Moscow

Immediately after being discharged from the maternity hospital, my husband left the family for his mistress, whom he had been dating behind my back for 5 years. It was a terrible shock for me. Even the child who needed my care did not evoke a desire to live. Due to nervousness, the breast milk disappeared, and I fell into even more despair. When it came to the daily bottle, my mother took her son away, fearing trouble. For about 2 months my life was in a fog, until one fine day I looked at myself in the mirror. A terrible, exhausted drunkard looked out from there. Then I decided that if my son did not have a worthy father (he did not even worry about the child), then he simply had to have a loving mother. To strengthen my self-confidence, I dyed my hair, rearranged my home, and found a hobby that I loved.

Nikolay, Stavropol

After the death of my wife, my life ceased to have meaning. After 20 years of marriage, my mind refused to accept life without a loved one. No matter what I did, no matter where I went, I thought about her all the time, remembered my scandals, which were often groundless, nagging. I was literally devouring myself from the inside. In search of understanding, I “asked” to visit my daughter in another city for a month, under the pretext of babysitting my grandchildren. Upon arrival, I felt like I didn’t belong in the house, even though my loved ones made me understand that this was not the case. After a week, I realized that I was gradually emerging from apathy, devoting more and more time to children, walks and communication. I think this saved me.

How to survive your husband's betrayal

Seven tips to help you forgive your husband’s infidelity:

1.Move away. It is not easy. After all, it seems that the sooner you find out the situation, the sooner it will be resolved, but this is not so. The conversation will simply end in a scandal, hysteria, accusations and “caustic” words that will hurt the offender.

Take a break. Calm down. Walk more, throw yourself into work, let off some steam, go on vacation, spend more time with friends. Once you are able to distance yourself from the betrayer, it will be easier to think clearly about the situation and discuss it calmly with your spouse.

2. Don't suppress your feelings. A frank conversation will help you understand the reason for the action and get emotional release. You need to sincerely forgive your partner and accept the betrayal as a fait accompli, otherwise there is no point in saving the family.

Stop making excuses and believing that the relationship will magically become the same as before. It’s better to think whether you are ready to come to terms with the act and forgive.

To better understand the situation, you can contact a family psychologist or read books on this topic, for example:

“Infidelity”, Marina Travkova;
"The chemistry of love. A Scientific View of Love, Sex and Attraction”, Brian Alexander, Larry Young;
"Right to left." Why do people cheat and is it possible to avoid cheating”, Esther Perel;
“Bed wars. Infidelity, Sexual Conflict and Relationship Evolution by Robin Baker;
“Why Men Lie and Women Cry,” Allan Pease, Barbara Pease;
The Science of Love and Cheating by Robin Dunbar.

3. Don't blame yourself. Refuse to play the victim. Analyze your own actions, since two people are responsible for any rift in a relationship. You need to admit part of your wrongness, but without removing responsibility from the man and without self-flagellation. If your partner persistently or even aggressively accuses you, leave immediately.

You can remember the incident, but you don’t need to always remember the whole painful range of feelings, “scroll” in your imagination the details of how your husband gave love to another. There is no need to come up with options for repeated betrayals.

4. There is no need to compare yourself with your rival. Work on improving your self-esteem. Take care of your own appearance: take a manicure and makeup course, join a gym, update your wardrobe, change your image or style. The new image of a “desirable woman” will attract the gaze of the stronger sex and get rid of complexes.

5. Taking care of your own health will help distract you from negative thoughts after cheating. Physical and mental activity: do a thorough cleaning of the apartment, throw away or donate unnecessary things, take part in a city quest, play board games with friends.

6. Find support. Express yourself to your loved ones, chat on the forum with women who have also experienced betrayal. The problem will not seem so acute and painful if you talk about it very often: to your mother, to a friend, to yourself in front of the mirror, to a psychotherapist.

7.Work on improving your relationship. Start over and build a deep connection between you. Find something in common, share and share each other’s interests, watch a TV series together, read the same books. Go on vacation together.

Couples are brought together by their shared hobbies: tennis, cycling, painting by numbers. You can try something new for you: flying in a wind tunnel, rock climbing, hiking, pottery, baking cakes. Learn to compromise. Look for a middle ground in all decisions. Don't let everything always be the way only one of the partners wants.

Who is easier to digest betrayal?

Oddly enough, it is more difficult for men to cope with the betrayal of their significant other .
Women are distinguished by their emotionality. Experiencing a violent reaction to trouble, they break into screams, cry, and blame.

However, this helps them cope with stress faster . Due to the fact that they express their emotions outwardly, the unpleasant aftertaste from betrayal quickly passes for them.

On the other hand, even if the relationship with her partner is restored, the girl will never forget the betrayal and will periodically remember his man. These are the features of female psychology.

It's a different matter with men. Thanks to centuries-old stereotypes, they are less emotional. Representatives of the stronger sex perceive tears as a sign of weakness and cannot afford it.

After betrayal, a man also experiences a strong emotional outburst, but at the same time he tries to keep everything to himself. Due to the fact that a guy cannot outwardly throw out his negativity, he experiences trouble much harder than women.

Many men go to extremes: they start drinking alcohol or are aggressive towards people around them. This is just an attempt to throw out negative emotions.

In addition, there is another stereotype rooted in society. If a husband cheats on his wife, they try to support her and show sympathy in every possible way , because... this is considered more or less normal.

If a wife cheats on her husband, this becomes the basis for friends and relatives to ridicule him. In this case, it is believed that there is something wrong with the man. Because of this, guys try not to share unpleasant experiences with their surroundings.