How to stop being shy, withdrawn and unsure of yourself?

The question of how to stop being shy, withdrawn and insecure worries a huge number of people who want to overcome their inner fear. Since the listed character traits rarely occur individually, but flow from each other (a shy person is usually withdrawn and unsure of himself), in order to suppress them you will have to do serious step-by-step work on yourself.

Shyness in any form prevents you from being yourself. A person reveals himself fully only when he feels at ease. Stefan Zweig. Impatience of the heart

Too shy girl

Introduction

The phrase “modesty is decorative” has long been set on edge.
Yes, in some situations modesty is needed, because excessive boasting or obvious narcissism does not suit a worthy person. But shyness is something else. This quality interferes with the life of both the humble guy himself and confuses those around him - they try to help him, understand him, open him up, but this does not always work out. As a result, a shy person drops out of social life, since he is boring and has nothing to talk about. And this gives rise to new complexes and negative emotions in a closed person. And something needs to be done about this.

If you take some action, put in your efforts and back it up with a great desire, then everything will definitely work out!

Reasons for Shyness

Pathological shyness is formed as a result of a combination of a number of factors:

hereditary predisposition to hypertrophied anxiety;
innate personality trait - melancholic temperament;
unfavorable growing conditions;
incorrect parenting strategy;
experienced a traumatic situation;
tendency to fixate on negative aspects of the past.

Science has proven that a model of response to stressors is passed on from ancestors to descendants. Many shy children have parents with abnormal anxiety. Adults exhibit overreactions when exposed to tiny stimuli.

Many shy people are melancholic. Their nervous system is not distinguished by strength and endurance. Persons with a melancholic temperament are naturally fearful and anxious. They are overly sensitive and tend to exaggerate difficulties. Another disadvantage of melancholic people is isolation, which leads to the fact that a person is left alone with his experiences.

Shyness is cultivated in a person during childhood through the efforts of parents. Excessive demands on the baby, high expectations, unfair criticism, constant reproaches are fertile ground for the emergence of anxiety and timidity.

Any traumatic situation that occurred in childhood can give rise to increased shyness. For example, a child was ridiculed by peers or humiliated by teachers. Or he was severely punished for some oversight. Not finding understanding and support from adults, the child begins to consider himself worthless and incapable. At the same time, the subconscious wants to protect the baby from repeating an unpleasant situation. In order not to suffer from criticism from society, the child begins to avoid contact with society. He develops pathological shyness and irrational fear.

Another condition that contributes to the development of shyness is a person’s tendency to dwell on the drama he has experienced. The subject is constantly rummaging through his past, analyzing actions, reflecting on what caused the mistake, wondering what he could do. At the same time, he cannot share his experiences with loved ones because of shame or fear of being criticized. As a result, discussions about past mistakes become the dominant thoughts. And since any negative thoughts must somehow be neutralized, a safety mechanism is developed - shyness, designed to protect against a repetition of the experience of discomfort.

How to stop being shy: a guide to action

Faith in success

The most difficult thing is to take the first step towards a more liberated self. It may even seem to you that this is unrealistic, that nothing will come of this whole venture. Drive away these thoughts! This is wrong. You will definitely succeed. Believing in yourself and your success is very important, so stock up on them to the fullest.

You are no worse than others

The next stage is the understanding that you are no worse than other people.
You are the same, and in some qualities you are superior to many. Remember all your strengths and skills. Some of them are not a sin to brag about or at least demonstrate to the world. For example, do you write poetry? Stop hiding them! Join the literary community and show your creations to other people. Although not everyone will like your poems, you will definitely find fans of your work.

Remember: to receive compliments and approval, you need to show people what you can be praised for. If you are closed, then you simply will not be noticed. And learn to love yourself for who you are. Nobody is perfect.

Failure is a learning experience

Criticism or failures in life are not always bad. Perceive your failures not as the end of the world, but as a certain experience that makes you wiser and stronger.

Remember the famous phrase “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”?

It may be hackneyed, but it is very true. This is true! Therefore, you can be a little sad, even cry, and the next day pull yourself together and move on to a better life.

Facing your fears

To overcome your indecisiveness, you need to work hard on yourself.
You are probably embarrassed to speak in public. Start by at least making a toast. This is a challenge for many people: to find certain words, assemble them into beautiful sentences and pronounce them publicly, albeit in a small company of close people. It’s better to prepare this short speech in advance, think through all your wishes and repeat several times. You will realize that everything is not so scary. Everyone will definitely like it. Try it! You can also contact strangers on the street more often with various questions. For example, asking how to get to such and such a street. This will also liberate you, you will be less afraid of communication.

Become a pleasant conversationalist

Do you think that in order to have a conversation, you need to have some kind of secret knowledge or have a special relationship with a person?
This is not always the case. Many sociable people talk with others about mere trifles. It wouldn’t hurt for you to adopt this quality, even if it seems stupid at first. Start by talking about the weather, no matter how trivial it may be. Next, you can discuss matters that connect you with your interlocutor. If this is a co-worker, you can talk about the problem of parking near the office building. If the neighbor talks about how the rent bills have increased. The main thing is to start, and the conversation can develop on its own, especially if your interlocutor is more sociable than you. Practice! And you will get involved.

Give compliments

People love to hear pleasant words addressed to them, even if said in passing. And especially women! Give them compliments. You don't have to be full of praise. Suffice it to say that today the young lady has a good hairstyle or a beautiful dress. You will see how she will immediately become more disposed towards you.

The right attitude

Train yourself to be positive every day. A positive state of mind, even from scratch, will help you overcome life's obstacles. Healthy optimism never hurt anyone!

Comfort zone

We often lose confidence when we leave the so-called. comfort zones. For example, when we find ourselves in a new team, we begin to live independently and lose our usual social circle. A huge number of people experience stress when speaking in public. Let's figure it out: what scares us so much? First of all, you find yourself in a new situation for you and have lost your usual “rear areas”. What should I do? Master a new space and get used to the situation. Remember what you liked so much about your friends and try to find these traits in your new environment. Find a like-minded person in a new team who has common interests with you. Or the same beginner who finds it difficult to get used to it alone. Bring your favorite things to your new place, buy comfortable furniture or surround yourself with cozy details. In a new relationship, try to repeat what you remember most in your previous ones. In a word, fill someone else’s space with yourself.

Additional ways to get rid of shyness

Before you stop being shy in companies or when meeting new people, you need to understand that solving this problem depends entirely on the person himself.
It will take some time to become more open, relaxed, and sociable. For some, a few weeks are enough to achieve success, while for others it will take several years before all manifestations of the described negative qualities are completely eradicated. Now there are several effective ways to stop being shy and withdrawn, unsure of yourself. This list includes:

personal training;
development of communication skills;
performing special exercises (“go ahead”).

No need to replay either

The method of personal training has now gained enormous popularity, as it allows you to convince a person that he is no worse or better than other people he doesn’t know well.

Typically, specific guidelines are communicated in the form of a “teacher-student” approach, when an experienced mentor (psychologist) convinces withdrawn and insecure people that no one in the company is trying to ridicule, offend, or humiliate them.

Many of them also experience a certain amount of excitement, but in no way show their own negative feelings. Regular classes with a specialist who knows how to persuade help achieve results, and a person overcomes his fear of communication.

Sometimes it is recommended to develop communication skills by doing certain exercises. One of the most useful options for how to stop being shy in company is to simulate the situation in front of a mirror. It wouldn’t hurt to prepare a few universal jokes that will help defuse a tense situation or give you confidence in your abilities. The more a person “rehearses” alone with himself, the more confident and at ease he will feel in a real situation.

An innovative technique was to perform tasks that require considerable courage from an indecisive, shy person. For example, he should come up and talk to complete strangers on the street, ask for the phone number of an attractive girl (guy), or talk about some event in a public place. After 2-3 such exercises, progress is noticeable, as a person overcomes fear, becomes more open to the world around him, and gains self-confidence.

Authority

The first thing we need is a relaxed state in society. Just remember: when you communicate with a friend, you don't worry. You are not shy about your words, long pauses and bad jokes. You're kind of in a neutral atmosphere and you're not afraid to screw up.

Approximately this state should be achieved in conversations with ordinary people. A state in which you and your interlocutor will be at the same level of significance. (Naturally, this does not apply to the size of the wallet or the position held, we are talking specifically about the internal mood). [adsense1] In order to achieve this state, you need to constantly increase your confidence and self-esteem. You must respect yourself, feel your inner strength. Meditation and spiritual practices are unlikely to help with this; you need to start doing something in the outside world, give your all and give it your all. You need to accumulate achievements that you will be proud of and that you will remember. At a certain point, when there are enough of them, you will be able to communicate with people easier because you will not put someone else's authority above yours. Here are some examples of what you can do to improve your confidence:

Join the gym
Start running
Earn a certain amount of money
Write a list of your past victories
Find a passion and develop it
Engage in self-development
Read books (see books on self-development for girls)
To study a foreign language
Set daily goals and achieve them
Find what you don't like about yourself and work on it

Also, to increase your confidence, you need to get rid of all controllers and idols. These could be influential friends, popular people, overbearing parents, etc. You need to start doing what your soul wants and filtering the opinions of people around you. You have to be yourself and listen to yourself, because this is the only way to develop independence, confidence, and then emancipation.

In fact, this is enough to loosen up and get rid of shyness. All that is required is confidence and normal self-esteem, and the rest will take care of itself. However, let's look at a few more ways to approach the issue holistically.

Several important nuances of achieving success

Psychologists highlight several key aspects of how to stop being shy in company and at the same time win the favor of strangers.
The list of such conditions invariably includes:

acceptance of constraint (excitement, isolation) as a given fact;
positive thinking, smile, neat appearance;
lack of comparison of oneself with other people;
training in slow, intelligible speech.

It is necessary to clearly understand that it is quite normal to feel shy, nervous or withdrawn in certain situations. Don't try to hide your emotions, because it always looks unnatural and repulsive. At the same time, the initial impression of a person is influenced by his appearance, facial expression, and voice intonation, so try to always look brand new, exude positivity, and don’t forget to smile.

There is no need to constantly draw parallels with more successful people in the company, otherwise this can lead to negativity, detachment, and the desire to quickly go to a quiet, secluded place. A huge problem for many people is slurred, rapid speech, which not all participants in the conversation can understand. Learn to express your own thoughts clearly, clearly, slowly, which will allow you to attract the attention of others, avoiding caustic ridicule.

The most important

Let's start with the most important thing - determine what is really happening. No matter how, you find yourself in unfamiliar company. There is a person standing in front of you with whom you need to chat - exchange a few words, joke, discuss any issues, etc. Naturally, you want everything to be successful, because this is a normal desire for any person.

However, for some reason the body tenses up, the eyes begin to dart, the speech becomes crumpled in general - everything is not going as smoothly as we would like. What's happening? What happens is that you start to worry. Why are you worried? Because you are afraid of making a bad impression. This is where the shyness mechanism comes into play . It’s better to do nothing and say nothing than to blurt out something wrong. “What if they condemn you,” says the brain.

This is the whole problem. Shyness is a fear of other people's opinions , not a character trait.
By overcoming this fear, you can free yourself from the bars that bind your emotionality and, as a result, overcome your timidity. But how to do this? Let's finally get to practice.

Bottom line

Shyness can be overcome - add some effort to your desire and soon you will see a positive result!
Be active, decisive and open to people. You can overcome shyness, self-consciousness, and lack of self-confidence only through painstaking work on yourself, positive thinking, and getting rid of fears or complexes. Fight your weaknesses, prejudices, negativity - and you will definitely become a successful, attractive person!

Elizarova Lilia · May 21, 2021

How to overcome complexes and self-doubt?

The concept of complexes was introduced into psychology by Carl Gustav Jung.

A complex is a person’s unconscious beliefs that form throughout life, which become the motives for actions, attitudes towards oneself, people and circumstances.

Complexes affect a person’s thinking, behavior and outlook on life.

Uncertainty, as a rule, is associated with an inferiority complex, under the influence of which a person limits his activities, avoiding everything in which he experiences unconscious fear or excitement.

An inferiority complex, like other complexes, is formed on the basis of life experience. Conviction of one's inferiority can consist of different parameters. Appearance. (I `m ugly). Physical state. (I'm weak). Intelligence. (I'm stupid). Skills. (I don't know how to do anything).

All this is expressed in attitude towards oneself and in relationships with people. I am uninteresting, useless, helpless and therefore not worthy of respect and love.

Uncertainty is a consequence of an inferiority complex.

In order to deal with the inferiority complex, it is necessary to understand what is at the root? Appearance Physical condition Intelligence Skills

By identifying the root, a person can solve the problem and remove part of his complex.

If the complex is related to appearance, you can involve a specialist. For example, a stylist. Which will prompt and help solve the problem of appearance.

If the complex is related to a physical condition, you can also connect a specialist and get results.

If the complex is associated with an intellectual component, it is necessary to understand what exactly is missing. And also contact a specialist to solve the problem.

In the case where the complex is associated with skills, it is necessary to define the skill. And develop it either independently or with the participation of a specialist.

As the problem is solved, the person will increase positive experiences in a given direction. This will affect his thinking, behavior, attitude towards life, people and himself.

But in some cases, the participation of a psychologist is necessary to help find the root of the problem and solve this problem.

You can sign up for a consultation with me here

Survey

Mild forms of withdrawal do not require special treatment or diagnosis; they are usually successfully compensated for by volitional efforts and the organization of suitable living conditions. A psychological examination or examination by a psychiatrist is necessary in cases where a person’s secrecy seriously interferes with his socialization: visiting an educational institution, place of work, official and unofficial meetings. To determine the severity of shyness and its causes, a group of methods is used:

Clinical conversation.
During the survey, patients answer briefly, in monosyllables. Their speech is devoid of an emotional component or is dominated by anxiety and a negative attitude towards the examination. Severe mental disorders may be accompanied by a complete inability to establish contact and build a dialogue. Then obtaining clinical information becomes impossible without the participation of relatives or other accompanying persons.
Observation.
Closedness is expressed by the patient’s behavior – his posture, gestures, facial expressions. Characterized by stiffness of movement and general physical tension. The pose is often “closed”: arms crossed on the chest or abdomen, one leg lies on the other (the pelvic area is closed). Patients often use a bag or a folder with papers as a “shield”. Most of them look down or to the side during a conversation, and rarely make eye contact. Emotional reactions are outwardly manifested very weakly or completely absent.
Psychodiagnostic questionnaires.
Special tests are used: “Assessment of the level of sociability” by V.F. Ryakhovsky, methods for diagnosing the communicative attitude of V.V. Boyko, “Personality differential” (Bekhterev Research Institute). The results make it possible to assess communication skills, establish the reasons for secrecy and reticence, and help distinguish situational isolation from psychological, pathological.
Projective techniques.
Drawing methods and situation interpretation tests are used to identify mild forms of communication disorders that cannot be determined through conversation or observation. The data obtained indicate alienation and a person’s preferred role in the group (participant, outside observer). Additionally, the presence of shyness, low self-esteem, and aggressiveness is established.

Psychological tests and questionnaires are used to diagnose the causes of withdrawal.

general characteristics

Closedness characterizes the severity of a person’s communication skills.
It is the opposite of sociability and is often assessed as a negative quality. It is more difficult for closed people to make acquaintances, maintain friendships and business connections, and socialize. Children who tend to avoid social contacts often do not have time to master the school curriculum, intellectually lag behind their peers, and are more prone to aggression. The basis for this is negative self-perception, exaggeration of possible failures, inhibition of activity. It is a common belief that lack of sociability is always experienced by a person as a serious problem. However, in practice, various options are possible. Isolation is a cause for concern if it arose as a result of internal confrontation - fear, uncertainty, lack of communication experience. Then the general orientation of the individual toward relationships remains, but there is no courage or skill to become open and sociable.

Another option is when a person is closed and focused on the inner world - on emotions, fantasies, ideas. Isolation does not bother him; life is interesting and filled with experiences. They say about such people that they know how to enjoy solitude. They enjoy reading books, watching movies, and playing computer games. Many people actively communicate in the virtual space – on thematic forums and chat rooms. Such interaction does not require emotional involvement or the use of non-verbal means (facial expressions, gestures, intonations), and therefore is more attractive to reserved individuals.

Relationships between people are changeable; successful socialization requires the manifestation of both sociability and isolation. Openness and talkativeness help to establish contacts, fulfillment in the professional sphere, and informal interactions such as friendship. Closedness allows you to pay attention to your internal state, protect yourself from ineffective and unpleasant communication, and recover faster from emotional and stressful stress.