How to get rid of selfishness: in relationships with loved ones, advice from a psychologist

How to get rid of selfishness and in what situation is this really necessary? This topic worries many, because it is directly related to building relationships in society. Every person is naturally caring for personal needs and interests, and self-love.

For their natural and adequate manifestation in the philosophical and ethical environment, a special term has been identified - reasonable egoism. Where is the line between it and egoism in the traditional sense (as a negative character trait)? Ancient philosophers pondered this difficult question.

Here is what Aristotle wrote about this: “Egoism does not consist in loving oneself, but in a greater than proper degree of this love.” These words well reflect the modern approach of psychologists to this issue, helping to understand where that line is.

What is egoism and where does it come from?

The selfishness that you should get rid of concerns not just the ability to live and build relationships in accordance with your interests. It is associated with placing oneself above the family and the rest of the environment due to an inadequate perception of one’s own personality. This behavior does not manifest itself once, but constantly.

The appearance of a distorted perception of reality is associated with a false ego, which consists of selfish desires. When they begin to serve as the main (and sometimes the only) guideline for a person’s actions, the ability to consciously understand one’s feelings and views is impaired. Physical needs and material values come to the fore, for which they sacrifice everything else, including the opinions of others.

Selfishness as a phenomenon

Selfishness is part of personality. It affects behavior, habits, lifestyle. The more a person succumbs to nature, the stronger the manifestations of this trait. Selfish intentions are difficult to hide, and she herself is sometimes even proud of the way she behaves.

An egoist always puts himself above others due to an incorrect perception of his personality. Such a person cannot see the merits of others. All that is his world is his own ego, so the trait affects concentration.

At its core, this is the creation of an artificial, distorted reality. The egoist does not see the problem, does not notice that his behavior is irrational and abnormal. This trait manifests itself in love, work and social relationships. In such connections there is only the egoist and his immediate needs.

How does it manifest itself?

Selfishness is not a temporary phenomenon, but a permanent character trait. This is not a habit, but a stable pattern of behavior. A person gets used to building his own life around himself. An egoist sincerely believes that he is special, and his abilities are unique and in demand.

How to identify an egoist:

a person constantly talks about himself and does not know how to listen to others;
the person is self-confident even without real reasons for it;
the person is trying to be a leader, it seems to her that her ideas are important and valuable;
the individual flaunts his achievements in front of others;
the person does not accept or accept criticism;
the person is hot-tempered (such people are not tolerant or patient).

In relationships, the egoist is used to only receiving; for him, giving is something unnatural. He perceives his attention as a value that must be earned. An egoist does not know how to sincerely rejoice for other people's achievements if there is no benefit for him in these relationships. Without any benefit, he quickly becomes bored with any business that is self-obsessed. If the people around him play along or indulge him, the egoist sees no reason for internal changes.

What makes the false ego exist?

In philosophical and psychological schools, there are several options for the mechanisms of the existence of the false ego, its predominance over the rest of the inner world. Some believe that it is inherent in the temporary mental shell of the soul, given to it at birth. In other sources, the false ego is considered part of the mind, in others it is isolated as a separate component of the psyche.

The lack of a consensus does not interfere with the definition of why it exists? All concepts agree on one thing: the false ego is based on identifying oneself with the material world and the needs of the physical body. When spiritual values and cultural guidelines lose their significance or, at a minimum, give way to them.

Manifestation of selfishness

According to psychologists, selfishness in the modern world is not a vice, but a fashion trend. This word is used to describe countless restaurants, nightclubs and various shops. In Ukraine, for example, there is even a special loyalty program for regular visitors to fast food restaurants, which is called “EGOists”. What is its message? Eating for the sake of your ego. By the way, this is the slogan of this program.

The quality under consideration is most clearly revealed in family relationships, because at home people become who they are. Egoists in the family are real kings, to whom everyone owes everything. Often, over time, tyranny appears in the family.

If a suspicion creeps into a person that he is too focused on himself, it is worth thinking about how often he is ready to sacrifice his own desires for the benefit of others, how much and often he talks about himself and whether he knows how to share the latter. By the way, selfishness is often compared to greed.

Signs of selfishness

Before we begin to consider ways to get rid of negative egoism, it is important to study its main signs:

Obsession with oneself. A person is sure that he is the center of the universe around which the rest of the world revolves. His thoughts are busy analyzing only his life situation and making plans to achieve the desired results. He is sure that spending time and energy on others is an inappropriate waste of resources. In conversations, he always draws attention to himself. Doesn't consider it important or necessary to listen to someone's opinion or stories in which he is not the main character.
Unjustified self-confidence. Negative egoism is manifested by an individual’s unshakable belief in his own superiority. Wherever a person goes, he is confident that everywhere he is smarter, more beautiful and in all aspects better than others. An egoist, without a justified analysis of real strengths and qualities, assigns himself the place of leader. He is absolutely uninterested in the position of others.
Rejection of criticism. Even comments confirmed by real facts, expressed in a correct form, cause acute rejection in a person. He will go into conflict without any problems, but will never admit his own mistake or lack of knowledge. But an egoist is always ready to talk about his achievements with pleasure, not forgetting to exaggerate them for greater effect.

Familiarity with the signs of selfishness will help you avoid external manipulation based on the conscious substitution of concepts by others. This often happens when you want to force a person to act in accordance with someone else’s interests. For example, some parents may blame their children for not accepting criticism and calling them selfish. For what? So that they live life in accordance with their beliefs and desires: create families with “profitable matches” or get a “good” job. In such cases of imposition of opinions, a violent emotional reaction and denial will be quite normal. It is important to be able to soberly assess circumstances and defend your point of view when it comes to interfering in life. By the way, it is those around you who are selfish in such situations.

“Before” and “after” when you decide to stop being selfish: is there a difference?

Another important analysis is a comparison before and after deprivation of selfishness.

BEFORE	AFTER
A person who indulges his own “ego” does not enjoy the sympathy of others. Unkind glances, silent hostility, lack of support, irony - in fact, an egoist dooms himself to loneliness, which has never benefited anyone. True, awareness of this fact may come too late.	Having conquered the germs of selfishness in oneself, a person will immediately feel support - from loved ones, colleagues, and friends. The circle of people who sympathize with him will begin to expand. This is very important for the psychological background. A person must feel his unity with the world around him.
People who remember themselves first of all constantly forget about others. For example, about the birthdays (and other significant dates) of friends, colleagues, even relatives. After some time, many of the people surrounding the egoist will want to “forget” not only about his birthday, but also about him. He'll be surprised.	Having overcome manifestations of selfishness in himself, a person will receive great pleasure from the fact that the interests of others will enter the sphere of his attention: their joys, aspirations, goals. By helping others, we receive a powerful energy charge that greatly enhances our capabilities. The world is always on the side of those who love to give rather than receive.
Egoists are indifferent not only to the joys of the people around them, but also to their problems. They are able to close their eyes even to the grief of others. They will extend a helping hand only if it is beneficial to them. Words such as “humanity”, “nobility”, “selflessness” are an empty phrase for an egoist.	A person who is alien to selfishness never compares his actions with personal gain. Moreover, he is capable of committing actions that run counter to his interests and plans. Because his main goal is to be human in any situation. Everything else will come later.

Why is egoism dangerous?

The main characteristics of this dangerous phenomenon help not only to determine its presence in a person. They can also tell you a lot about why selfishness is dangerous. Often its manifestations entail serious consequences not only for others, but also for the person himself, who blindly follows personal interests.

A characteristic feature of selfishness	Consequences of showing signs of selfishness
Self-obsession	Communication abilities are impaired and concentration is reduced. A person pays less and less attention to his surroundings. Without stopping in time, he loses healthy connections with family members and friends, and is gradually rejected by his work colleagues. As a social being, a person left without outside support may fall into depression and inaction. Or, on the contrary, he can become aggressive towards others, crossing the boundaries of what is permitted.
Unjustified self-confidence	Empty boasting about your inflated achievements entails a loss of authority and respect from the general public. A big threat to normal life is the loss of the skill of soberly calculating one’s strength. As a result of this process, a person can let others down and go down significantly lower on the social ladder. The conflict between expectations and reality in his mind can provoke a nervous breakdown.
Rejection of any criticism	The lack of adequate perception of comments leads to a stop in personal and social development. By ignoring advice, a person is deprived of the opportunity to soberly assess his own qualities and find points for growth among them. Violent emotional reactions and conflict lead to the loss of the opportunity to use outside help to improve well-being.

How to recognize the traits of an egoist in yourself

Before you learn how to stop being selfish, you need to figure out whether you really have such a character trait. To understand that you have a tendency towards selfish behavior, you need to answer test questions:

Is it difficult for you to listen to others, to delve into their problems and concerns?
Are you waiting for the first step from your partner after a quarrel?
Do you place the victory of your own point of view higher than the result of a planned collective undertaking, an event in which other people participate with you?
Do you envy the success of your friends and colleagues?

Having answered affirmatively to most of the questions, you can suspect the beginnings of selfishness. Pride, attachment and desire for material values are typical signs of a selfish nature. It is important for her to be significant and revered, to feel recognition and respect from others. This trait is present to one degree or another in the character of every person.

If a person refuses to go to a place where his health and life are in danger, this is reasonable selfishness. However, in some cases, manifestations of selfishness become large-scale and threatening. The fear of not getting what you want, not achieving your goal, causes the egoist individual to experience unpleasant sensations, nurtured by weakness, self-doubt, anger, and nervous tension.

A selfish person makes excessive demands on the people around him, who, in his opinion, should live in accordance with his ideals and ideas about the world. Psychologists say that a selfish behavior is characteristic of all people, even those who look unhappy, lack self-confidence, and feel insignificant and small. In this case we are talking about a perverted form of selfishness. Only a targeted fight against a deficiency and getting rid of a harmful character trait will bring relief and long-awaited peace of mind.

Fighting selfishness

How to get rid of selfishness once and for all? Achieving victory over this difficult and dangerous personality trait is possible only through conscious elaboration of your thinking. The habit of putting oneself above others, an inadequate reaction to the opinions of others - these and other manifestations of selfishness represent habitual patterns of behavior. Getting rid of them and building new healthy patterns is a process that includes three main stages:

Identifying the cause.
Accepting the fact that a problem exists.
Choosing a method to overcome it.

Let's take a closer look at each of them.

Getting rid of unhealthy egoism

“After all, all I want is for everything to always be my way,” Bernard Shaw.

What to do if selfishness is so ingrained in you that because of it there is nothing to protect, because no work, no friends, no family, no self-love? PS Yes, don’t be surprised, selfishness and self-love are not identical concepts.

Stop reproaching yourself for selfishness and considering it your sin or vice. Don't get hung up on the idea of getting rid of it. Don’t rush between “egoism is needed, it’s good” and “egoism is not needed, it’s bad.” Selfishness is good in reasonable quantities; it needs to be controlled, not destroyed. More precisely, we are even talking about developing love for oneself and others, self-acceptance. It is human nature to transfer his qualities or attitude towards himself to other people. He who loves himself is able to love others. He who does not love others probably also hates himself, and therefore acts selfishly (E. Fromm).
What is love for another and for oneself (acceptance of others and oneself)? This is confidence in one’s own life, awareness of its meaning, acceptance of responsibility, care and respect, knowledge of oneself and others. You need to cultivate these qualities in yourself.
Don't allow yourself to be manipulated and don't do it yourself.
Take care of your life, don’t let your individuality be deprived. Learn to value the life, freedom and personality of every person. Develop tolerance.
Improve your communication skills. Learn conflict-free communication.
Study your psychological characteristics (temperament, character, abilities) and learn to understand other people. An egoist, as a rule, does not know his capabilities and does not see his own potential. As a result, higher needs (self-realization, self-actualization) remain unformed and undeveloped, and attention is concentrated on lower needs (material benefits and security). Higher needs allow an individual to assert himself, develop himself and at the same time help other people.
Expand your attention span. Learn to think big. Selfishness, that is, petty attempts at self-affirmation at the expense of others, is a consequence of a lack of understanding of the missing link for full personal self-realization and harmony. Have you noticed that charity and generous tips are an integral part of the lives of successful people? No, they do not want public attention to be focused on this (not all of them). This is their new need, which came with harmony and self-actualization. We are not just talking about “stars”, these people live among us, “mere mortals”.
Learn to respect and appreciate yourself, accept and love yourself, adjust your self-esteem, cultivate self-esteem. By the way, a worthy person will not allow himself to offend others, infringe on their interests and ruin lives.
Famous psychologists of the past and present argue that an inferiority complex is often hidden behind egoism. Moreover, it is not always realized by the person himself. Understand yourself, visit a psychologist.
Remember the portrait of an egoist described in the previous paragraph of the article, and act according to the “by contradiction” method. That is, destroy or correct what is applicable to you.

Sharing the position of the German psychologist Erich Fromm, I will say that the means of getting rid of egoism is a productive life, full of creativity and action. Striving to live and create, you yourself will not notice how instead of enemies you will be surrounded by friends, and instead of failures and limitations - successes and opportunities.

In any invention, work of art, song, product of production there is a share of egoism, and a considerable one. But this is the same healthy egoism mixed with altruism, the golden mean. You will receive recognition, self-satisfaction and income, and society will be a useful product. Everyone is happy, no one considers anyone selfish.

Finding the reason

Selfish behavior is born from thoughts, so the reason for its occurrence should be sought in them. Our thinking is a reflection of past life experiences. It is this that should be analyzed, finding situations or circumstances that served as good soil for cultivating excessive self-love.

Most often, the reason is associated with excess or lack of attention in childhood. Selfishness may also reflect a defensive reaction to negative experiences from the past. For example, failed relationships with the team at the first place of work. It is necessary to identify the existing sign of selfishness and think about what circumstances provoked its appearance. And then, get rid of it as quickly as possible.

Characteristics of a selfish person

Selfishness is associated with irresponsibility, deception and indifference. If we look at the problem on a large scale, what can we say about an egoist (except that he achieves his goals to the detriment and detriment of the interests of other people)?

He is loud and confrontational.
He has a poorly developed system of values and principles, conscience, sense of duty and self-esteem.
He is a frivolous and often lazy, careless person who ignores rules and responsibilities.
He will not intervene in a fight or conflict that he witnesses (even if children are fighting or animals are being hurt).
He will not be embarrassed by the unkempt appearance of his interlocutor; he may not even notice it.
He will not be embarrassed by the mess in the room (he is used to the mess, because it is inside him).
He ignores any advice, including truly useful and friendly ones.
He ignores demands.
It is difficult for him to engage in activities that require conscientiousness, responsibility, and honed skills and abilities. He doesn't like this job.
He does not know how to empathize and is not distinguished by empathy.
He does not know how to communicate and rationally resolve conflicts.

Recognizing the problem

Having analyzed the personal history of the evolution of egoism, it is important to accept its existence. This should be done without judging what is happening. There is no need to panic over the consequences of actions already committed; you should not scold yourself or make excuses. It is important to constantly keep in mind your goal - to get rid of selfishness.

Everything that happened must be perceived in the past time, without abandoning it. To do this, try looking at yourself as a stranger. Remember that to start a successful fight, it is important to see the problem with the previously established reasons for its occurrence and stop denying it all.

Looking for reasons

Let's say you have discovered the signs of a selfish person, and now you want to overcome them, but you have absolutely no idea how to stop being selfish. This is not done in a couple of hours - after all, killing part of your ego is not so easy. And egoism is nothing more than an exorbitantly expanded ego. And in order to overcome it, you need to understand in general the nature of its occurrence.

The ego is the part of the subconscious that is responsible for psychological safety and health. In other words, she in every possible way prevents any unpleasant decisions, changes and any changes.

Defeating your own ego means making your life easier. The fact is that the ego leads us in the wrong direction - we begin to want not what we really need, but what seems simply attractive to us. In order to understand this for yourself, try to imagine the following picture - you didn’t have a bicycle as a child, you felt unhappy, and now you can buy one.

But your ego will convince you that an adult and a bicycle are not a very good combination, and all your peers have long been changing foreign cars like gloves. Do you feel the difference? You want a bicycle, but your ego is talking about a car. And so it is in everything. Imagine how many problems with yourself can be avoided if you learn to curb your ego.

Coping methods

There are two main scenarios for overcoming selfishness:

Independent work with support from the environment.
Struggle in sessions with a qualified psychologist.

When a person is unable to sincerely admit that there is a problem and conduct meaningful self-analysis, it is better to immediately contact a specialist. If you manage to gather your inner strength on your own and work through the first two stages, you can successfully get rid of egoism on your own. It will be useful to enlist the support of close people with whom you have established trusting relationships. An action plan can be drawn up based on the effective recommendations given below.

How to identify an egoist in a relationship?

There is no person in the world who would like to be used, and yet these same “bloodsuckers”, without a twinge of conscience, use and manipulate those people who dote on them. Egoists in relationships usually identify kind and loyal people as victims. And it is these qualities that often prevent them from understanding who they have let into their lives.

There are some signs by which you can identify an egoist in a relationship. Here are some of them:

Everything must be subject only to its conditions. He does not accept your rights to independence. He doesn't consider your plans or your time. He doesn't take into account your efforts and emotional needs. Without his prior approval, you cannot spend your leisure time as you see fit. Your partner will decide where you go, who you date, and what you do. He doesn’t care about your ideas - as a rule, they are constantly criticized or ignored. If you feel all this in your life, without a doubt, you are being shamelessly taken advantage of . There cannot be a real relationship when one is not ready to sacrifice something for the other or make compromises.
A selfish person in a relationship produces continuous negative emotions. You are constantly neglected, condemned, criticized, often sarcastically, in a word, simply “drowned” in negativity. Isn't this pure selfishness? trusting relationships cannot be built on such a negative basis. In addition, often such a person does not want to get rid of egoism at all. He is satisfied with everything in this life.
All efforts are only from you. If you do not feel any effort or effort on the part of your partner in the relationship, it means that he is not interested in anything. He seems to be alienated. Please note: if you are the one who does not take time into account to maintain a relationship, spends your money and energy, and your loved one is passive, then you have something to think about - this is how selfish people behave in relationships. If he doesn’t want to spend any of his energy, time, or money to build a relationship, then why should you do all this?

Only you try

A man who is selfish in a relationship does not take your relationship seriously . Your partner never says the phrase: “This is my girlfriend/his boyfriend,” because he does not see anything serious in your connection. If you raise the question of changes in your relationship, then you immediately feel a wave of tension from him or he simply remains silent. From this we can conclude that either the continuation of the relationship between you is a burden to him, or its development is not a priority for him. In this case, there are two options for events: insist on what you want or break up.
You notice flirting with others. There is a category of people who, through flirting, make people of the opposite sex laugh. This will not surprise or upset their partners, because... they know this feature. Only in this case can flirting be justified; in other situations it is usually a manifestation of infidelity and selfishness. After all, a person doesn’t care about your feelings and how unpleasant it will be for you to flirt with someone else.

A selfish person doesn't care about your feelings

How to get rid of selfishness: practical advice

Awareness of the problem is already half the battle in the fight against selfishness. Further actions should be aimed at working with thinking. When thinking about how you can get rid of selfishness, pay attention to developing new habits and scenarios for reacting to what is happening. Let's take a closer look at the steps that will help redirect established patterns of negative behavior in a new direction and thereby defeat them.

Develop empathy

When observing and talking to others, switch from mentally assessing circumstances in your favor to feelings. Listen to your own desires. Resist impulses to subjugate the situation to yourself through emotional pressure on others. Instead, try to cultivate consideration, politeness, and empathy. When you are approached, listen patiently and understand the situation of the person addressed. So over time, you will learn to respect other people's opinions and develop the ability to empathize.

Monitor the influence of the false ego

Formulate a filter for your own desires. Which ones are really important and justified by the situation? And what did greed or pride whisper in the race to satisfy the selfish motives of the false ego? For example, it is quite appropriate to ask a colleague to help with a task because you do not have time to pick up your child from kindergarten when there is no one to do it for you. But if an insidious desire awakens in you to simply shift things in order to earn a bonus at someone else’s expense, this must be nipped in the bud.

Learn to live in the present moment

Selfishness is often fueled by anxiety about the future or the past. Therefore, it is extremely important to learn to live here and now. Accept that reality exists only in the present moment, and develop the habit of doing the best that you can in the present. The rest is an illusion, which is often built to please selfish desires. Stop them by choosing to enjoy the present.

Develop a habit of gratitude

One of the traps of selfishness is assigning all the credit to oneself to one’s loved one. We often take the actions of others for granted, putting only our own efforts on a pedestal. Concentrate on what comes to you from the outside and where exactly it comes from. For example, are you used to having a clean and tidy home? Fix the understanding that all this does not come out of thin air. Thank family members for putting things in order.

Can't adequately evaluate the efforts of others? Then give yourself the opportunity to feel everything inside and out. Do some spring cleaning or any other chore and thank yourself for your efforts. Now next time it will be easier for you to adequately evaluate the work of others.

Stop making excuses

In order to elevate himself above others, a person often seeks justifications and explanations for his own “exploits.” They also come to his aid in case of a violent reaction to criticism. Let go of your emotional needs to always be better. Recognize that you are an ordinary person. Stop building a defense of your superiority out of excuses, leave only dry facts and always convey them calmly.

Communicate more with animals

A little friend will teach you to understand how the environment sometimes needs our support. By communicating with animals and selflessly caring for them, we can feel the joy of actions that are not aimed at achieving selfish goals. Gradually, a feeling of compassion and an inner need to simply give away your warmth will develop. They will be an excellent counterbalance to the principle of acting only for one’s own pleasure, characteristic of egoism.

Realize the temporary nature of all material things

Accept the fact that everything material in this life is not eternal and reconsider your life goals. Cars break down, things wear out. Are you really ready to devote all your time and energy to satisfying selfish desires? Based on this, honestly report your actions.

Does it include items that will serve as support during dark times of material distress? And in our fickle world they can come at any moment. But there are always spiritual values, work on which will bring no less satisfaction and over time will not turn into a waste of energy for the sake of temporary benefits.

Start caring for others

Remember that selfishness gives rise to the desire to spend all efforts only on yourself. Therefore, attention and care for others will be an excellent cure for this quality. At first, you may do such things reluctantly. Why switch to others? Wasting time, money, energy.

But these internal contradictions will go away in the first situation in which you feel the sincere gratitude of others and their joy when meeting you. An unusual feeling of happiness from real merits quickly dulls the desire to continue flaunting fictitious merits.

Always look for opportunities to give.

Selfishness is reinforced by the feeling of pleasure from receiving some benefit. Almost always, it is quickly replaced by the desire to achieve something else. This is exactly how the life of a selfish person goes, following his material goals.

The feeling of happiness associated with the opportunity to help others achieve what they want will allow it to change radically. Realize that by jumping off the self-gratification merry-go-round and putting resources into supporting those around you, you will get something more. And most importantly, weaken the usual selfish behavior scenarios.

Meet new people

By learning how strangers with different social status live, you will be able to correct illusory ideas about life. Familiar things will acquire true value and will no longer be taken for granted. This will entail an increased sense of pleasure from existing benefits and will help you learn to enjoy the present. Also, communicating with a large number of people will reduce the time spent on fixated thoughts about yourself.

Conquering the egoist in yourself: pros and cons

And what, exactly, are the advantages and disadvantages of selfishness? Let's weigh it.

7 steps to put someone in their place

Advantages	Flaws
In the scale of life values, the interests of the egoist occupy the first positions. Therefore, his wishes must be fulfilled first.	Since when setting priorities, egoists always put their own interests above the interests of others, those around them will sooner or later notice this. What do you think their reaction will be?
The same applies to the realization of life goals. By pushing aside everyone who stands in his way, the egoist will, of course, move forward much faster than others. This applies to both small things (for example, he will easily push aside his grandmother on public transport) and larger-scale stages of moving forward (he will easily bait a colleague for the sake of a higher rung of the career ladder).	Caring only about his own well-being, the egoist by default puts himself in a situation of constant disapproval (his grandmother will look reproachfully after him, his colleagues will chuckle ironically, his friends will gradually turn away). Over time, the egoist will create a vacuum around himself; he will be deprived of human support, which is necessary for a normal life.
The “conscience” option is usually disabled for real egoists (or works in a lightweight, “relaxed” mode). Therefore, egoists sleep peacefully at night, have a good appetite, and little can spoil their mood. This means that their emotional background will be quite favorable for further actions, not burdened by unnecessary moral experiences.	Man is a social being. And if an egoist does not give a damn about social connections that help him stay afloat, then over time he will begin to “drown.” And there will be fewer and fewer people willing to lend him a helping hand over time. In addition, we should not forget: on the path of any egoist, another egoist, much stronger and more experienced, may appear. Life is an ironic thing, she has a great sense of humor.

Selfishness can manifest itself over time

Even if you are sure that you do not suffer from selfishness, the germs of selfishness may begin to appear in your behavior unnoticed. As N.V. wrote Gogol, “watch yourself more vigilantly.” This means that from time to time you need to carefully analyze your actions, comparing them with the principles of universal morality.

How to get rid of selfishness in relationships with people?

Remember that creating healthy relationships with others is only possible by building adequate self-esteem. It is important to develop an understanding of your own importance without exaggeration. To do this, it is necessary to reconsider the usual scenario of superiority over others. Communicate with others as equals, cultivating respect for their rights and opinions.

Reasons for purchasing it

Selfishness comes from human thinking. The desire to constantly elevate oneself appears in childhood. If a child receives too much attention or is deprived of it, he develops a negative attitude towards people. The spoiled teenager was used to having his homework done for him, his room cleaned, and his every whim fulfilled. Having matured, he expects from others what he received from his parents.

If a child did not receive enough attention from his parents, he wants to compensate for this. This manifests itself in elevating oneself over others. A person does not always do this intentionally. His upbringing affected him in such a way that it becomes difficult to change his thinking. He must want it himself.

Getting rid of selfishness in close relationships

The question of how to get rid of selfishness in relationships with loved ones deserves special attention. Often, egoists have an unspoken rule that applies to their family members, their relatives and friends, that they a priori owe them something. Therefore, when communicating with them, negligence, raising the voice and demanding to meet illusory expectations are allowed.

Realize that close relationships primarily place more responsibilities on yourself. They should bring pleasure to both parties, and not be used to serve one person. Otherwise, you will turn into a parasite and ruin your relationships with dear people yourself.

Here it is also important to consciously give yourself and your partners the same rights. At the same time, paying a lot of attention to personal behavior. You should start by fixing and eliminating moments in which you allow yourself to demand more from a person, explaining this by your close relationship with him.

Types of selfishness

Often, even specialist psychologists cannot give an exact definition of selfish behavior and give examples of it. In addition, many experts are convinced that reasonable egoism is necessary, without it one cannot survive now.

Two polar types of egoism can be distinguished:

rational, which involves the manifestation of one’s own individuality, the creation of conditions under which a person can exist autonomously, moving towards his goals, without interfering with the interests of others, but trying to interact with them to the best of his ability; often manifests itself in creative teams;
hedonism, in which the individual always and everywhere puts himself at the center, forcing others to recognize his merits and accept his model of behavior as the only correct one.

How to save a relationship if you are a hopeless egoist

In the modern world, the value of the concept “we” is rapidly declining. More and more people are ego-minded. Individual rather than public interests are put at the forefront.

The development of technology and the popularization of social media catalyze this process. The ability to use a telephone or computer becomes more important than communication skills. Think about how often our attention is drawn to gadgets during meetings with loved ones.

How does this affect relationships?

A relationship in which everyone thinks only about themselves cannot be called healthy.

An authoritative family psychologist, professor at the University of Washington, John Gottman, studied more than 3 thousand married couples, their behavior and habits. He developed a diagnostic system that makes it possible to determine with a high degree of probability whether a couple will be together in the future.

One question to help understand this is:

What is the partner’s daily behavior oriented towards: “I” or “WE”?

In such a difficult matter as marriage, the answer to it decides whether the spouses will separate or not. The more selfish their actions are, the closer they are to breaking up.

The temptation to make decisions alone is very great. The desire for independence and freedom is rooted in human nature. But in family life, permanent independence is destructive.

Thinking and behavior in the style of “I! My! To me!" destroy relationships. Ego and The Simpsons, but in life it leads to collapse. You may not notice this for the first couple of years, but after a long time a person becomes so tired of his partner’s ego that he is ready to break ties with him. In 97% of cases, people get divorced after seven years.

Why seven?

Gottman conducted another study. This time together with Robert W. Levenson. Scientists analyzed past research by colleagues and determined that the seven-year mark in family life is the most vulnerable.

In search of the cause, psychologists have found that “I”-directed thinking leads to a crisis. Egocentrism gives rise to almost daily quarrels, which, in turn, erode the foundation of relationships. It also affects the intimate sphere: the emotions and desires of the partner are ignored, and sometimes physical or psychological violence occurs.

Having children increases the chances of saving a marriage. But if spouses are bound not by love, but by moral duty, then they will divorce as soon as the children grow up. If there are no children or other mutual obligations (for example, a mortgage), then the couple is unlikely to last even seven years.

What about “healthy egoism”?

Many people remember John Galt's relationship with Dagny Taggert from the novel Atlas Shrugged. Their romance was based on the principle:

I swear on my life and my love for it that I will never live for another person and will never ask or force another person to live for me.

Is thinking about yourself a bad thing? After all, without a strong “I” concept there is no self-confidence and self-esteem.

Indeed, everything has its positive and negative aspects. But the life of an individual as such and life in a marriage are somewhat different things.

Self-esteem is like yin and yang—balance is important. The ability to value yourself is good, as long as you don’t fall into narcissism.

A simple example. You bought a cool sports car without consulting your spouse or ignoring her (his) opinion. In your eyes, you are the lucky one who is the envy of everyone. This purchase increased your self-esteem and perhaps even your social status. But how does the wife (husband) feel?

On the other hand, buying, for example, a video game you like does not require discussion at the family council. (Of course, you are not so limited in finances that the choice is between food and play?) Spouses must a priori respect and support each other's interests.

I am an egoist! What should I do now, kill myself?

Many admit that they are selfish, but few feel remorse. Is this bad?

In fact, people always act in their own interests. We show selfishness even when helping someone. No matter how altruistic a person is, she still expects a reward - to share joy or receive praise. This is the so-called ethical egoism. It is seen as a motivational factor - what makes us do something for others.

However, the desire to help each other is atrophying in modern society. The population grows in proportion to the increase in the level of narcissism. Such a phenomenon as a selfie focuses the individual on his own “I”, and the absorption of television content forces one to compare oneself with the characters on the screens. “Why the hell are they rich and I’m not?”

Since childhood, we compare ourselves and others. Me and my relatives, me and my classmates, me and passers-by. But the media raises the bar, forcing us to compare ourselves to movie stars and models. Hence narcissism and the need to constantly stick out one’s “I”.

Narcissism is also characterized by a lack of empathy for people. Such individuals do not show sincere pity and sympathy, even vowing to be with someone through thick and thin until death separates them.

I don't feel sorry for anyone. Am I a narcissist?

No.

External indifference can be caused by various factors: grief, depression, resentment. It can also serve as a mask to hide vulnerability.

Science has found that true narcissists have a missing or malfunctioning amygdala in the brain.

The amygdala is a region of the brain that plays a key role in the formation of both positive (compassion, pleasure) and negative emotions (fear, anxiety).

Problems with the amygdala are also found in psychopaths. Calmly! These are not necessarily serial killers (although most of them have psychopathic disorders).

Psychopathy is a syndrome characterized by callousness towards others, decreased ability to empathize, self-centeredness and superficiality of emotional reactions.

There are so-called functional psychopaths. They live among us. The difference between them and subclinical psychopaths is that the former control the “dark sides” of their personality. Moreover, composure and prudence help them build a career.

The difference between clinical forms of psychopathy and antisocial personality manifestations is visible in brain scans.

But even people with a normal amygdala may experience a need for increased attention to themselves. Psychology professor Jean Twenge, author of the book Generation Me, conducted a large-scale sociological study. His results showed:

Narcissistic personality disorder occurs three times more often among current twenty-year-olds than among those who are 65+ today; Students in 2009 are 58% more narcissistic than students in 1982.

The thirst for self-affirmation increases every decade:

My opinion is extremely important.
I deserve high earnings.
I must become famous.
I will marry only an ideal woman (an ideal man).
I must be in demand.
Today I need this subject for happiness.

Although it is much more important to ask yourself:

How do I live? What do I want from life?
Who am I?
Can I improve?

Ok, I understood everything. What to do?

First of all, eradicate the “I” thinking. Think back to the romantic period of your relationship when you first met or started dating. Then you studied the facets of each other’s character and were sensitive to your partner’s opinion. An amazing metamorphosis took place: two “I” united with common goals and dreams and became “WE”. "We get married". "We will live by the sea." "We will give birth to a son."

The romance passes and the ego comes out again. But believe me, suppressing it does not mean being spineless or giving up on your goals. By giving up “I” thinking, you will return harmony to your relationships.

What saves humanity from destruction in tragic moments of history (wars, natural disasters, etc.)? That's right - consolidation. Individuals become a society, pushing differences into the background. The picture of the world from the position of “we” is more complete and objective than from our own bell tower. “We” is stronger than “I”.

In the face of danger and misfortune, it is not just spouses who unite, but entire nations. Remember this when building family relationships.

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (published in Russian under the title “Map of Love” in 2011), John Gottman gives seven recommendations on how to maintain a relationship.

Draw a “love map”. Instead of counting the cracks in the boat of love, think about what you are doing to fix it. Don’t mindlessly dump your problems on your spouse. The more you strive to understand your partner’s desires and feelings, the greater the response you will receive.
Cherish love. Offensive words and annoying character traits instantly come to mind. Especially in quarrels. If you want to save your relationship, think about why you fell in love with the person. Write down on paper a list of reasons why you appreciate him.
Be considerate of each other. Spouses know each other as they know themselves. If you see that something is wrong with your significant other (the partner has become deliberately talkative or, on the contrary, silent), do not miss it. Do not arrange interrogations or forced psychotherapy sessions. Just be there, create conditions so that your loved one wants to share their experiences.
Take the relationship for granted. You are together, you are a couple. Your decisions and actions affect your partner. Don't act selfishly. Always take into account the position of your spouse, consult and come to a common denominator.
Dot the i's. “You throw your socks away!”, “And you don’t know how to cook!” — mutual reproaches end in quarrels. Don't criticize - offer a solution. “Honey, let’s buy a laundry basket shaped like a basketball hoop?” “Honey, let’s sign up for a cooking class?”
Look for a way out of the deadlock. Both are to blame for the problem. Always. Pouting like a mouse on a grain and building walls of imaginary indifference is a dead end. Without the ability to forgive, relationships are doomed. Know how to lay down your arms and throw out the white flag.
Create shared meanings. In a relationship, the distribution of roles is important: everyday (I pick up the children from kindergarten, and I cook dinner) and spiritual. A family differs from a romance in that two people do not just spend time together, but unite their lives with a common meaning. Their dreams and desires are inseparable from each other.

There is no “I” in a family—there is a “WE” in a family.

The true essence of man

But the human self carries within itself another part, pure and flawless - the True Self. And if the ego is a person’s weakness, then the True Self is his strength, his creative component and the path to genius. Besides everything, when a person comes to his true essence and follows the path of life's destiny, external intention turns on, and then the whole Universe helps the person. As you can see, in this case there is no longer any need to defend yourself and bend the whole world under you. I hope the arguments are compelling, shall we continue?

The Nature of Selfishness

Our life is a chain of defending selfish interests.
Day after day we worry about our own benefits, in the whirlwind of life's troubles we look for loopholes to satisfy our needs. Of course, this is egoism in its pure, “dictionary” form. There are two things we care about in this world: getting pleasure and avoiding pain. If we don’t get the first, we will be bombarded with the second, and we, remembering the “charms” of negativity, are desperately motivated to halve our life set. So why is selfishness considered a negative character trait? Isn’t the pattern of skipping from minuses to pluses a concentrate of wisdom? What a great one! Thick and infused. But here the logic of the average person stumbles over incorrect inputs. In his eyes, the world is not only black and white, but also flat, two-dimensional. At one pole there is a conditional official who robs the state, at the other there is Mother Teresa, who has forgotten about herself for the benefit of others. Although, for the sake of a lyrical digression, in our country the first option often seems quite good. Thus, the world is divided into unconditionally bad and frankly good. Meanwhile, reality is indescribably more complex and multifaceted. “I won’t tell you about Mother Teresa...”, but sometimes even maternal love is just a cover for the desire to increase self-esteem that has fallen below the baseboard. On the other hand, a universally condemned person who committed unsightly crimes could act in a similar way, based on fairly pure motives, the vector of which is directed towards those around him.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

Not a single psychologist, not even the most “Harvard” or “Oxford” psychologist, is able to master the human soul.
We all ultimately live for ourselves. But the question is not to understand a particular person and put a label on him, but where is the line between reasonable self-love and what is called selfishness. Your own shirt, and this applies even to the righteous, is still closer to the body, and no one has yet opened courses for jumping above one’s head. However, the aforementioned line is not so blurry. Egoism can be called a conscious and felt ideal of life aimed at realizing exclusively one’s interests, without taking into account the needs of other living beings. An “egoist” who inserts the opinions, desires and needs of other people into the worldview paradigm, and, moreover, represents both as elements of the general system of reality, is no longer an egoist.