Pleasant moments and beautiful photos together, passionate nights and tender touches, memories of mutual “Yes”... How all this warms the soul while you are in a relationship - and what severe pain it causes when the decision to divorce is made. It seems that life will no longer sparkle with the same bright colors, will not be filled with the same light and joy, will not bring so much tenderness and smiles. Is it so? How to survive the period of separation and breathe deeply again?
Each couple comes to divorce in their own way - everyone has their own reasons, their own arguments and their own motivation for this decision. However, divorce never comes as a bolt from the blue.
There are always prerequisites. There is always intuition. There is always the opportunity to return everything.
You know, it's like cooking. Imagine that getting to know each other is kneading dough, adding various ingredients to it for the taste, aroma and structure of the baked goods. The decision to get married is the moment you put your cake in the oven. You check, set the temperature, preheat the oven, turn on convection if necessary. And marriage itself is the time when you bake the cake...
And it seems that everything is simple - I set a timer and turned off the oven at the sound signal. But there are force majeure events! The same goes for divorce - if a burning smell starts to come from the oven, then something is going wrong. And the sooner you smell this smell, the greater the chance of saving your culinary masterpiece.
But now the masterpiece has burned down. Happens. Does this mean you'll never be able to bake something as delicious as you planned? No, you absolutely can do this. And therefore, you should not equate your separation with your ex-spouse to grief on a universal scale. Yes, this situation is very sad, unpleasant - and you need to live it, let it go and prepare for the moment when you can knead the dough again.
How to do it? Is it possible to close once and for all those issues that won’t go away? How to survive a divorce and become happy again? I offer you four steps to help you prepare for your new life.
We went through a divorce. What's next?
Your recovery may take a couple of months, six months, a year or even two. Believe me, you will feel it when it happens. Until then, be energized and developed, invest time and resources into becoming the best version of yourself as an individual, as a professional and as a woman.
But don’t put off the goal “To meet your dear, only, dear person and build a long-term, happy relationship with him, which will later develop into a family.” Start moving towards this goal now.
Here is my author's algorithm for a happy marriage.
- Determine the starting point - your roles and mistakes in the relationship. You will do this in the 5 steps that we discussed above. Of course, it’s more effective to turn to a specialist - this way you can analyze your mistakes much deeper and from different angles, and the process of analyzing your roles in relationships and working on mistakes will go much faster.
- Conduct a subtle internal and external transformation of yourself. This point includes not only the gym for “minus 3 kg,” but also the ability to present oneself, creating a harmonious image and acquiring the right, giving energy, mastering self-presentation skills, external and internal transformation. It is at this step that you prepare to meet the man of your dreams - you clear your emotions, upgrade your image so that it matches your goals, learn to communicate and correspond with men, go on dates successfully, etc.
- Entry into the world of men. At this stage, you need to learn how to quickly determine whether a potential “suitor” is suitable for your purpose or not. It is also here that you begin to actively meet and communicate. Moreover, your task is to do everything to be an interesting and desirable woman, to inspire men to communicate and get closer. Aim for 10-15 dates per month.
- The stage of creating relationships that lead to marriage.
- Marriage itself and deepening, improving your relationship with your husband throughout your life.
It seems that the algorithm is simple and every woman knows about it even on an intuitive level, but this is only imaginary simplicity. So get rid of all the emotions that are associated with past relationships (we discussed how to do this above). And then write to yourself 5-7 steps that you will take in order to pass the first 2 points of the algorithm.
Remember the proverb “They knock out a wedge with a wedge”? The same thing happens in relationships - in order not to sit and dwell on the past, you need to think of the desired future for yourself and move towards it. And then there will be no place or time left for worries.
How do men cope with divorce?
Modern society today perceives the breakdown of marriage as almost the norm. At the same time, any factors can become reasons for breaking the “chains” of Hymen, from minor domestic discord to domestic tyranny or betrayal.
Depression after divorce manifests itself as a persistent decrease in mood, inability to concentrate, and slowness of speech. A man simply doesn’t want to do anything; nothing can give him pleasure.
People are accustomed to believing and instilling in their offspring from childhood that men are not subject to emotions, they are strong and persistent. In fact, men can sometimes experience the breakdown of a family more strongly than their counterparts.
Depression after divorce in men occurs due to loss of stability, wounded pride, change in social role, longing for the past, children, which leads to a change in the divorced person’s behavioral pattern, his character, and habits. Some men, after being freed from the bonds of Hymen, immerse themselves entirely in work, others plunge into a “whirlpool of passions,” and still others fall into “alcohol networks.”
After the divorce, men are prone to self-destruction; they cease to value their own existence and often commit ridiculous, dangerous acts. Another unpleasant, but often encountered scenario is the inability of a man to completely let go of his ex-wife. He can secretly spy on his ex, study her online life, and interfere in her real life. In the worst situations, such men can threaten their spouse with suicide if they do not return everything back.
The picture can become more complicated if there are joint offspring who are having a hard time experiencing a parental divorce. In addition, children often become hostages of the scenario played out by their parents, the subject of speculation and blackmail, which has a detrimental effect on the mental health of children. If a man was the initiator of the breakup, then the burden of guilt regarding the children begins to weigh on him.
Depression after a divorce from his wife can overtake the male half for various reasons, the key ones are given below:
– disruption of the usual way of life;
– feeling of uselessness;
– fear of losing their offspring (often women play an ugly game, using their own children as a weapon and a means of punishing ex-spouses, preventing them from meeting, pitting children against their fathers);
– if the spouse was the initiator of the breakup, then this can significantly lower a man’s self-esteem;
– if the initiator was the spouse, then an oppressive feeling of guilt arises before the offspring;
– disappointment in the inspired desire for a “free life”, the understanding that freedom did not live up to expectations, and the new companion is no better than the previous one.
Depression after divorce can be expressed in men by the following manifestations:
– violation of mental operations (decision-making skills, concentration, and ability to remember suffer);
– abuse of alcoholic beverages or other psychoactive drugs;
– attacks of anger and aggressiveness, directed not only at one’s own person, but also externally;
– loss of interest in the professional environment, hobbies, career achievements, material well-being;
– persistent feelings of guilt, pangs of conscience or a feeling of inadequacy;
– nutritional disorders;
– decreased potency;
– chronic fatigue, loss of ability to work;
- suicidal thoughts.
Work and new schedule
Plunging headlong into your professional activities is one of the best options to avoid depression and to more easily overcome the state of shock after a divorce. A temporary business trip will help you refresh your thoughts, get distracted, and change your surroundings. If a man has already had a hard time with a divorce, then a new blow may affect his performance. Here it is useful to change your field of activity and try your hand at a new area.
When you put all your energy into your work, it’s hard to think about anything else. You can loosen your grip immediately after thoughts about your ex-wife stop causing pain.
The face of depression
Each couple separates in their own way, some are already living a separate life while married, and divorce is just a legal formality.
And for some, the news of a breakup becomes a real tragedy that needs to be accepted and somehow survived.
In any case, after the breakup of a family, men and women experience a psychologically difficult time. The question arises - how to return to normal life and harmony within yourself?
In some cases, the “victims” of divorce become depressed.
Psychologists define this illness as an affective state accompanied by the following symptoms:
- negative emotional background;
- passivity of behavior;
- changes in cognitive ideas;
- change in the motivational component.
To put it simply, a person sees life in black terms without any chance of a happy future. Therefore, he has a bad mood, sad notes and loss of strength. Any attempts to encourage the “poor fellow” to take any action come across the question “why, if nothing will change anyway?”
How to become happy after a divorce and return to a normal life?
The first time will be the hardest; you shouldn’t be too demanding of yourself during this period. But you need to understand that relief will definitely come and you will become happy. Time heals even other wounds, everything will calm down, the resentment will pass, a new life will begin. It is important not to mess things up, maintain self-respect, restore self-esteem if it has been greatly shaken by divorce and believe in the best, which is just around the corner.
To recover quickly from a divorce, you need to solve all the pressing problems as efficiently as possible. Sit down and think carefully about what tasks your ex-husband performed and what you now have to do yourself. Write down all the problems and ways to solve them. When you realize that you can handle most tasks on your own, this will fill you with confidence and contribute to the speedy restoration of self-esteem and return to normal life.
Quote Frustration will either destroy you or lead you to success - it all depends on what you choose.
Karen Covey.
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What should a woman not do after a divorce?
- Don't bring up the past. Thank your husband and life for the experience you have and let go.
- Don't try to restore the relationship. As we said above, before breaking, you need to weigh everything very well and not cut from the shoulder. Don't let your emotions change your decision. You can’t mend a broken cup; trying to get everything back doesn’t lead to anything good, but only exhausts and completely destroys the relationship.
- If your husband has left for someone else or simply left, there is no need to return him and keep him with blackmail and threats. Deceive and manipulate diseases. The truth will be revealed sooner or later, but it will take a long time to restore self-esteem and your own psyche after such games.
- Don't throw yourself into the pool headlong. Do not immediately look for a replacement, and especially do not enter into casual relationships, as in the previous example - the price is too high.
Stereotypes about divorcing your husband
Psychologists say that divorce is much more painful for a woman than for a man. Firstly, this is due to the characteristics of the female brain and greater emotionality compared to men.
Secondly, a woman receives a large share of negativity from those around her, who, at this difficult moment, diligently paint her the unpleasant prospects of divorce.
Why is being a “divorcee” bad?
- A divorced woman, and even one with children, must feel shame. Well, how could it be otherwise? Do they really divorce beautiful, sexy, good housewives and excellent mothers? Such thoughts make you feel inferior due to the entrenched stereotype that they don’t leave normal wives.
It will be especially difficult for a divorced woman if the divorce was initiated by her husband, because such a situation requires even more sympathy and pity for the poor, abandoned
Psychology of divorce for women
Times are changing and today people are much more relaxed about divorce than before. The psychology of an emancipated woman allows her to feel like a full-fledged member of society, even if she is not in a relationship. Indeed, women get an education, can get their dream job and do not depend on their father or spouse.
But, although, from a financial point of view, a breakup is no longer a ruin for a woman, the moral side of the issue is still painful, the burden of the problems experienced is as great as it was a hundred, two hundred years ago. The psychology of love and affection remains the same; issues of raising children also need to be resolved without harming the latter. Society, although it does not put pressure as much as before, still remains quite skeletal in matters of family and looks with distrust and condemnation at women of a certain age who have never married or are divorced.
Quote I have never been married, but I always say that I am divorced, otherwise people will think that there is something wrong with me.
Elaine Busler
“And I wasn’t very sad about the breakup. Everything is fine with me?"
Of course, separation is not always painful. Breaking up a relationship can even cause a feeling of relief and joy: “Well, it’s finally over! Finally, I can move on with my life in peace.” This can happen if the relationship was traumatic or faded away gradually, on its own. And if this is exactly what happened to you, then everything is fine with you too. People are different and can react to breakups differently.
“In general, I think that I was very lucky. We lived together for 2 years, but for the last year there was no relationship at all - different friends, different hobbies. Like neighbors, hello-bye, both cooled off. And then she was offered a job in another city, and of course I didn’t go with her. Now we are friends, no offense or complaints, we parted peacefully and mutually.”
— Ivan, 29 years old
What to do if you have a child
As long as a man goes through a divorce, the litigation with the child lasts. Psychologists are sure that the situation of a joint baby directly depends on the emotional mood of the parents. Women often turn their sons and daughters against their ex-husband, refuse civilized communication, and forbid the man to see their children.
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
In this situation, it is better to step back, give her the opportunity to exhale, calm down, and look at the situation with a cool head. After this, you can take action. The child must communicate with the father; a sane woman will not refuse this to the parent. But the situation often turns in the opposite direction, when it is necessary to obtain visits through the courts.
Communication and socialization
When getting married, men often abandon their usual circle of friends and acquaintances. But after a divorce, you can restore relationships, establish contacts, and renew old friendships.
If it is easier for women to go through pain alone, then for men the best way is communication. What else will help relieve pain:
- New acquaintances;
- journey;
- a change of scenery;
- camping;
- Meeting with friends;
- heart-to-heart conversations;
- vacation.
Contrary to popular belief, it is better for guys to stay away from relatives at such times. Relatives and friends are more likely to side with your ex-wife and will certainly remind you of her. To leave fresh wounds alone, it is better to go on vacation with friends.
Advice! Divorce is not the end of life, but just another stage. It's time to pull yourself together and get through the pain.
Recommendations on how to survive a divorce for a man may seem strange to girls. After all, they are used to savoring emotions, feelings, and indulging in depression and melancholy. This helps them let go of negative experiences. Men succeed in this much faster after a divorce.
Advice from psychologists for peace of mind during divorce
The psychologist's main advice is to accept divorce as a fait accompli. Bad decision: tearing up photographs, ostentatiously throwing away gifts, burning a wedding dress. Remove objects that cause pain from your eyes. Let go of your spouse mentally, wish yourself and him life changes. Discard thoughts about his return, leave self-flagellation and worries in the past.
Other relevant tips
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Fill your free time
Instead of self-criticism, find an exciting hobby: tailoring, drawing, cooking, sports. If you stay in thoughts about the past, you can quickly fall into a prolonged depression. There is no desire to pursue a hobby, but your own work excites you? Devote time to it - perhaps your zeal will lead to a jump up the career ladder.
A pet
Useful advice, especially for those who work from home. If you have dreamed of a cat or a dog, then it's time to realize your dream.
Society
Falling into worries about separation, women often forget about friends and relatives. No need to fence yourself off! Discuss your feelings with loved ones and get support from them.
