Few people in the modern world have not heard of such a disease as depression.
But to diagnose depression, especially in another person, however, it is the actions of loved ones that determine how quickly a person will come to his senses.
There are special methods to help a person get out of depression and cope with a difficult condition.
How to recognize hidden depression? Find out about this from our article.
Content:
- Depression: what is it?
- How do you know if you are depressed? Common symptoms of depression
- Forms and causes of depression
- Is there a difference between male and female depression?
- How is depression expressed in women?
- How is depression expressed in men?
How to get a boyfriend, husband, man out of depression?
If your friend or husband is depressed, you should adhere to the following principles:
- You can't feel sorry for him. It is important for a man to realize his strength even in moments of weakness. Feelings of pity destroy self-confidence, so it should not be shown.
- Problems need to be identified. Representatives of the stronger sex often find it difficult to realize the existence of problems; they often keep them silent. A loved one should support the man and make it clear that the presence of difficulties and difficulties does not in any way affect his status in the eyes of others.
- Do not require confirmation of depression. Pressure and the desire to impose help will push a man away; he will withdraw into himself, which can cause his condition to worsen.
- Words of support. It is necessary to praise a person even over small things, say compliments and words of gratitude, and encourage them. It is necessary to point out strengths and support them in any endeavors.
People who are depressed should be spoken to calmly and confidently. Communication should be easy, you cannot put pressure on a person, shout at him or accuse him that he himself is to blame for his problems.
Depression: what is it?
Depression can be described in dozens of ways, using professional and clinical terms, statistics, artistic comparisons, and the patient's point of view.
William Styron (novels “Get Dark,” “Sophie’s Choice”), who had the opportunity to experience the dark sides of the disease, said well about depression: “In severe depression, the suffering is completely unimaginable for someone who has never experienced it. They sometimes kill because they are unbearable.”
Depression does not choose between rich and poor, unknown and famous. The paintings of Vrubel and Filonov, Van Gogh and Picasso are painted with alarming shades. Acute emotions can be heard in the music of Beethoven, Schumann, Tchaikovsky, Bach.
Depression is a disease that takes away the joy of life and makes people childishly defenseless. At least that's how patients describe it. “I don’t feel anything, I get up in the morning and don’t know what to do with myself. And if I start things, I can’t finish them. I cry for any reason. “I have absolutely no strength,” says the young woman.
Depression is a timeless and age-independent disease. This is a mental storm that covers, taking away strength and desire to act. The size of this storm is frightening. In the world, according to various estimates, up to 350 million people . The World Health Organization (WHO) reports that in 2021, depression came in second place after cardiovascular diseases.
How to Love Someone with Bipolar Disorder
It is impossible not to pay attention to this self-confident charismatic. He pursued you with all his passion, and he managed to impress you not only with his lively wit, but also with a surprise trip to Africa on safari. Imagine your surprise when, after just a year of marriage, your partner turned into a weak-willed inhabitant of the sofa. He watches helplessly as you, in splendid isolation, complete the creative renovation he started, and only occasionally makes comments about how maybe it shouldn’t have been done. And in general to come together.
The entire life of a person with bipolar disorder (and this applies to both men and women) is a seesaw, a rollercoaster of dizzying highs and painful lows. Each slide has its own degree of steepness: for some, the contrasts are not so strong, and they retain a normal human appearance almost all the time. Others are first taken out of touch with reality (mania with psychosis), and then thrown into the abyss (severe depression).
What not to do if your partner has bipolar disorder
Expect consistency.
He won't be there. If you dream of “taming and domesticating” a bipolar person, you are in vain. Even the most conscious and well-treated person needs a certain amount of adventurism. This is a person doomed to constant search: for himself, for a place in life. You shouldn’t expect him to patiently climb the career ladder in a big company for 10 years and complete all the things he started. But you have a chance to become the main constant in his or her life (such people actually really need something constant).
Argue.
When a person is in mania, it is useless to argue with him. At this moment you are a mere mortal, unable to appreciate the genius of his ideas. And if there are signs of psychosis, any conversations are pointless. Only potent drugs will help.
Support the madness.
The opposite tactic is also very dangerous: encouraging and supporting madness. Traveling all over India by bike? A business selling walrus tusk souvenirs? In mania, a bipolar person is ready to rush to carry out any crazy idea, and you may even like it at first. But if you are healthy, this will be a great adventure for you, and for him it will be a trigger that can trigger a real attack of psychosis. Or suicidal depression.
What to do if your partner has bipolar disorder
Look for balance, establish a routine.
The golden mean probably sounds boring, but you have to stick to it in everything. Most likely, it is you, as a more balanced person, who will have to establish and maintain an adequate routine for living together: eat normal food on time (and not cake with champagne), go to bed on time, alternate work and rest, and if things get worse, take mood stabilizers. Your partner's health depends on this routine: the more stable his daily life is, the fewer attacks he will have.
Channel your energy.
It is useless to prohibit inventing adventures, but you can take on the role of an expert who rationally assesses the prospects of new ideas.
It can be occupied, for example, by drawing up a detailed business plan and collecting information. If a person is still inadequate, he will spend his energy on diagrams and sketches and calm down a little. And if he remains critical, maybe he will come up with something truly brilliant.
Keep track of your finances.
In mania, a bipolar person can easily waste the entire family budget on cute trinkets. Psychologists strictly advise that during an attack (which is usually only a few weeks) you confiscate your partner’s documents and bank cards and even block the Internet.
pros
Perhaps the most “creative” diagnosis. A wide range of emotions and wild imagination help such people become inventors, entrepreneurs, and actors (if they have talent, of course). On the rise, this is a holiday person and the soul of the company, who will pick you up in his arms and carry you towards adventure.
Minuses
The climb never lasts long. The main problem of living with a bipolar person is instability: he either works around the clock, or doesn’t work at all, then comes up with a dozen things to do, then abandons them, leaving you to deal with the consequences.
People with bipolar disorder can be not only creators, but also swindlers and graphomaniacs, as well as pathological liars and incorrigible cheaters.
A manic person changes lovers as easily as he changes all his other hobbies. Those who have known each other for six months and couples with 10 years of experience and three children are not immune from this. The craving for novelty and adventure does not always lead them to good things.
How do you know if you are depressed?
The line between “normal” sadness and depression as a disease is unclear, but there are symptoms that distinguish one from the other. Depression is a loss of interest in what is happening. A person functions in a slow rhythm, looks at the world gloomily and pessimistically, sees the future only in dark colors.
Common symptoms of depression
The most commonly cited symptoms of depression are:
- Feelings of loneliness, indifference, sadness, or regret about something
- Feeling tired and losing energy
- Reluctance to communicate with other people, even with relatives and friends
- Lack of interest in daily activities and responsibilities
- Constant feeling of dissatisfaction, tearfulness
- Excessive agitation, irritability, uncontrollable attacks of aggression
- Loss of appetite and sleep, decreased libido, weight loss or gain
- Inexplicable feelings of guilt, a sense of worthlessness of existence, helplessness, hopelessness, anxious and suicidal thoughts.
A diagnosis is the first response to signs of depression. The disease is diagnosed if at least four symptoms appear simultaneously and persist for at least two weeks.
Forms and causes of depression
The spectrum of depression is as wide as the number of patients diagnosed. We talk about depression when someone experiences mood swings associated with the season (seasonal depression) or psychologically traumatic situations (psychogenic form). The cause may be a difficult event, for example, the loss of a loved one (endogenous form), or biochemical changes that occur in the body in case of illness (somatogenic form).
Is there a difference between male and female depression?
There is no conclusive evidence indicating that female and male depression are different forms. Symptoms may be the same in women and men. However, statistics show that gender largely determines susceptibility to depression.
There are social, psychological and biological differences between the sexes.
Social differences
Experts say that up to 65% of cases of male depression remain undetected. This is evidenced by the fact that men are less likely to seek therapeutic help. Largely because they are ashamed of the symptoms and prefer to get out of depression on their own. Therefore, compared to women, they more often fall into alcohol and drug addiction.
Psychological differences
Male and female brains differ in their approach to problem solving. Women explore the cause of a difficult situation, analyze the past and consider its aspects. Men take concrete actions to solve the problem. In a hopeless situation, they are much more likely to attempt suicide. Forensic experts estimate that up to 80% of suicide cases occur in men.
Biological differences
Biological factors, such as physical appearance or hormonal factors, may also influence the development of depression differently in men and women.
How is depression expressed in women?
Depression occurs twice as often in women as in men. This is due to gender characteristics, hormonal factors, psychological perception of reality and behavioral style.
Factors influencing female depression:
Family status
This is one of the most common risk factors. Single women are less likely to experience depression than married women, while the opposite is true for men. This is explained by the influence of social roles. It is worth noting that this phenomenon is almost never found in certain cultural circles, for example, in Mediterranean countries, where women's care of the home is traditionally valued.
Family relationships
The risk of developing depressive syndrome in women is associated not only with the fact of marriage, but also with the quality of family relationships, which is often influenced by difficulties interacting with a partner. Lack of intimacy, trust, and protracted family conflict cause stress, which deprives a woman of a source of support and reduces self-esteem.
Professional situation
Unemployment increases the risk of developing depression. It has been proven that work makes women resilient to negative life events. It organizes, develops activity, determination and a sense of control.
Thought processes
Gender differences in thinking styles also contribute to the development of depressive disorders. Women typically have lower self-esteem than men and respond to negative events by focusing more on themselves and their emotions than on actions. It is more difficult for them to independently distract themselves from disturbing thoughts and, thereby, improve their well-being.
Postpartum period
Another risk factor is the postpartum period. This is influenced by pain associated with childbirth, rapid hormonal changes, and changes in the body. The confrontation with a new social role and the need to mobilize strength to take care of the child also act as stress factors.
Menopause period
This period is characterized by isolated depressive syndromes. Women who previously suffered from depression, had severe premenstrual tension, and experienced severe postpartum symptoms are more likely to experience such symptoms.
How is depression expressed in men?
Men are generally more likely to achieve power and success than women. They do not like to admit weakness, so they are less likely to talk about their experiences.
Factors influencing male depression:
Partnerships
Research shows that the most common cause of depression in men is problems in their marriage or relationships. Arguments and quarrels cause men physical discomfort, so they try to avoid them. And if it doesn’t work out, they withdraw into themselves and cannot get out of depression.
Sex
Depression causes a man to lose interest in his own body and, as a result, in sex. Antidepressants against this background only worsen the situation. Sometimes there is an increase in libido as a way to improve mood.
Pregnancy and children
It has been found that one in ten men experience psychological problems when becoming a father. The need to devote more time to mother and child leads to fatigue and the inability to concentrate on work. Depression is aggravated if the partner is in a similar state, if the relationship is not going well, or if there are financial difficulties in the family.
Lack of work
Losing a job, no matter the reason, can be extremely stressful. Research shows that one in seven unemployed men becomes depressed within six months of losing their job.
Retirement
Reaching retirement age and retiring can be difficult for a man, especially when his partner is still working. It is difficult for him to independently adapt to new living conditions.
Temperament
Depression is often found in shy men who do not have permanent relationships, and who find it difficult to defend their rights and get settled in life.
Symptoms and signs of depression in women
Women with depression may experience symptoms that include:
- Restlessness, irritability, frequent tears for no reason.
- Sleep disturbance (insomnia or hypersomnia).
- Constant sadness or anxiety.
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities, including sex.
- Fatigue and decreased energy.
- Feelings of helplessness, guilt, hopelessness and worthlessness.
- Loss of appetite and weight, or overeating and weight gain.
- Suicide attempts or thoughts of death and suicide.
- Problems with concentration, memory, or decision making.
- Persistent cramps, headaches, or digestive problems that do not respond to treatment.
Symptoms must cause significant distress or impairment of functioning in social, occupational, or other important areas. Symptoms of postpartum depression may also include:
- Feeling of anger.
- Leaving loved ones.
- Feeling alienated from your child.
- Worry about harming the child.
- Feeling guilty for not being a good mother or doubting your ability to care for the child.
Is it possible to overcome depression without the help of a doctor?
There is no medicine that is ideal for every patient. But this does not mean that there is no way out of depression.
To overcome depression, you need to acknowledge it. The disease reminds us that the dark side of reality is no less a part of our existence than its bright colorful sides. Depression can be an opportunity for mental and spiritual growth. However, if left untreated, the condition can develop into a serious mental illness.
Unfortunately, only 50% of patients undergo treatment. A person suffering from depression finds himself in a kind of vicious circle: the disease requires energy and will, which are absent. Therefore, people cannot always heal on their own by simply “pulling themselves together.”
Several treatment methods are used for depression. However, it is up to the doctor to decide what will be best in a particular case. In less severe cases, you can limit yourself to lifestyle changes. In difficult situations, pharmacology and psychotherapy come to the rescue. Severe depressive conditions require hospitalization. Treating depression is a long process. But when you see a doctor, 80-90% of patients recover.
Prenatal and postpartum depression
All psychiatric drugs cross the placenta and reach the developing fetus. Therefore, during pregnancy, women should understand how this medication may affect the developing fetus.
Photo by Sergiu Valenaș on Unsplash
But any possible risks associated with taking medications must be weighed against the risks associated with not taking them. In some cases, depression carries greater risks than the medications used to treat the disorder.
Approximately 10% to 15% of new mothers experience postpartum depression (within three to six months after giving birth). Sleep deprivation, the dramatic changes and stresses that come with motherhood, and changes in hormones can all contribute to depression. Treatment can improve the quality of life for both the mother and her baby.
How to cope with depression on your own: advice from a psychologist
If you really want to get out of depression, you can do it yourself. Moreover, if the patient himself does not take any actions aimed at recovery, then neither a psychologist nor a psychiatrist will help him.
How to act in different situations?
If depression is opposed to happiness, give yourself more happy moments.
Happiness in relationships
How to cope with depression if it is the result of a toxic relationship? It is worth trying to resolve misunderstandings and resolve conflicts. If this is not possible, try to limit contact with toxic people as much as possible. If you live under the same roof with such a person, do everything in your power to free yourself from a destructive relationship. If they are work-related, change your job, even if you have been working on it for many years. Work is no substitute for health.
Happiness in communication
On our planet, many creatures lead a solitary lifestyle. But we are a herd species, which means we need people to keep us mentally healthy and happy. Sometimes it only takes one person to get out of depression. His warm participation, acceptance and kindness work wonders. Don't isolate yourself. Find such a person around and establish a trusting relationship with him.
Happiness on a plate
Food affects how we feel. If your diet is based on unhealthy foods, your chances of getting out of depression are almost zero. Changing eating habits is difficult, but you can do it in small steps. Replace cola with water and natural juices, pizza with grain bread, sweets with fruits and nuts. Gradually you will turn nutrition into a healing diet. Beware of the temptation to drink alcohol. It will give temporary relief, but in fact, it will only worsen the condition.
Running for happiness
Just as there is no happiness without a healthy diet, there is no happiness without physical activity. You don't have to spend half a day at the gym. A short walk three times a week is enough to revitalize the body. The oxygenated brain produces endorphins - hormones of happiness. This is why runners feel euphoric after a run. All you need is vigorous exercise, preferably outdoors. Exercise for at least 30 minutes, 3-5 times a week.
Happiness in four paws
Pets help you get out of depression. It's hard to deny the calming power of a cat's purr. And interacting with dogs helps maintain mental health, reduces stress levels and increases self-esteem.
Thanks to an animal in the house, we focus on it and not on negative thoughts. Pets give warmth, unconditional love and joy, never judge and forgive everything. Therefore, their role in the treatment of depression remains undeniable.
Happiness is all around us
In a serious condition, we sometimes do not notice how cluttered the space around us is and how chaotic our lives are. Declare war on depression by doing a big housecleaning. Try to get rid of things you haven't used in over a year. Carry out similar cleaning in documents. Organizing an archive of papers, letters, photographs will give you a feeling of stability and control over your own life, and will definitely improve your mood.
Happiness in nature
When everyday life is full of worries and problems, nature gives us the strength to fight them. Fresh air, forest and sunbathing, trips to beautiful places have an amazing effect.
Green therapy helps you relax and reduces stress levels. Mental state improves gardening. In London there is Sydenham Park, where medicinal gardening sessions are held. “This is an oasis of peace. When you come here, the outside world ceases to exist for you,” says a woman who first came to the park as a patient and now works there as a volunteer. This is a great example for doing something useful in nature.
Learn more about how to cope with depression in our video:
How to get a girl, wife, woman out of depression?
To support your girlfriend or wife, you must follow these recommendations:
- Talk about it. Women are more willing to admit that they are depressed. Try asking a few leading questions: “What happened?”, “When did it start?”, “How can I help you?” The conversation should reflect your position of participation and support in the girl’s problem, without any pressure on your part.
- Look at others. After you have found out the reason, try to choose a suitable film, similar to the girl’s situation, where in the end everything is resolved successfully. Women are much more susceptible to the experiences of other people, so the resolution of the situation by the hero on the screen will be partially perceived as personal.
- Let the girl be "weak". Ask the girl/woman about her upcoming activities and actively offer your help. Screwing in a light bulb, going to the store, cooking dinner - these are the little things that will bring a girl a feeling of care and allow her to feel like she is behind a stone wall.
You can fight a depressed state of mind with the help of shopping and friends. You need to convince your friend to start taking care of herself and taking care of her appearance.
The woman must be convinced that she needs to say goodbye to the past. A new life begins for her, which is full of many possibilities.
How to help a loved one overcome depression?
If you have anyone in your family who is depressed, show your concern. The main thing is to see a doctor who will help establish a diagnosis and plan treatment. This must be done, if only because the patient himself often does not recognize the symptoms visible to others and is not able to perform such an activity on his own.
Treatment for depression is all about taking the time to release difficult emotions. Decreased motivation to perform daily tasks or socialize are the most common symptoms of the disease. Supporting a loved one is expressed in being close, not judging, showing empathy, and helping in everyday affairs.
Sometimes it's difficult. Nevertheless, try, because human health, and sometimes even life, is at stake. The important message is: “I’m here if you need help.”
What should you definitely not do?
As you already understand, depression is not the same as a bad mood. Depression is when a person does not want to live. When he wakes up and doesn't understand why. When he doesn’t care what he looks like, when he doesn’t have the strength or desire to perform the simplest actions.
Someone will say: “He’s just lazy.” Because this condition is often associated with laziness. The most destructive thing for people experiencing depression is misunderstanding. That’s why it’s so important not to use expressions that make a person feel even worse.
What statements should you avoid?
"You're exaggerating"
This means: “The problem is imaginary.” By saying that nothing special is happening, we make the other person feel guilty. We make it clear to him that reality simply needs to be revised, but he does not want to make any effort for this.
"Don't act like a child"
To behave like a child means not to be able to cope with difficulties on your own. Meanwhile, adults experience much more difficulties than children, who are not yet aware of them, and feel the problems much more strongly. They perceive irritating factors differently, they have different awareness and different emotions.
“Come on, you’ll figure it out”
You can deal with the mess in your room, not the mess in your shower. Depression is not like cutlery that can be laid out in a kitchen drawer. Realizing the disease, a person has to deal with a huge layer of problems, including problems from childhood. Even with the help of a psychotherapist, this process can last more than a year.
"Go to a party"
Activity for depression is recommended. But you're dealing with a person who has to fight himself just to get out of bed. Don't try to drag him out somewhere. Most likely, the matter will not go further than tying shoelaces. Meeting people is the last thing a person wants to do if they are feeling unwell. So respect his decision if he refuses to leave the house.
"Normal people don't have problems"
Meanwhile, it is normal to experience not always pleasant feelings. The situation in which a person finds himself and from which he wants to get out is normal. All you can do is help him with this. And if you don’t want to or can’t, don’t make it difficult for him.
"You don't have enough work"
It is naive to believe that depression can be overcome with a busy work schedule and willpower. Of course, work helps you not to think about bad things, at least temporarily. But it’s not enough to just get out of bed and find something to do to make the problem go away. At best, it will be delayed for an hour or two.
“Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself!”
Why not? Any person has the right to this. Problems, bad mood and well-being often cause the need to cry and complain. In this case, our duty is to stay with the person and listen to him patiently.
“Who has it easy now?”
You argue that a person has no right to feel bad because troubles and misfortunes happen to everyone. Thus, you deprive him of the right to his own experiences. You make him feel guilty because there are wars, hungry children and coronavirus in the world. But the point is not that it’s difficult for everyone now, but that it’s bad for him specifically.
“I can imagine how you feel now”
No, you have no idea. A person who has not experienced depression himself or been close to someone who has suffered from it usually does not understand what he is dealing with. Being angry at our boss or feeling tired is not the same as how someone suffering from depression feels.
"Don't do this, I can't look at you"
One of the most selfish messages. “I don’t care how you feel, I don’t care. And I feel bad looking at you” - this is what you convey to the person. At best, it means: “I feel sorry for you.” Think about whether these are the words you would like to hear in a similar situation?
How to behave?
It is impossible to behave with a person who is deeply depressed in the same way as with a healthy person; a special approach is required here. Psychologists advise observing the following rules when communicating with a depressed person:
- Do not analyze the patient’s behavior and do not give life advice, and under no circumstances condemn the person for his inactivity and apathy.
- Try to distract a person’s attention from his internal analysis to some external one, try to cheer him up, make him happy, but do not do it intrusively.
- Provide not only moral, but material assistance , help with cleaning or cooking, picking up children from kindergarten or jackets from the dry cleaner, just sitting next to a mug of tea and so on.
- Do not respond to possible aggression and negativity and do not take it personally.
- Don’t make fun of a person’s worries and fears, don’t be dismissive of a person’s lamentations, but try to seriously listen to him and sympathize with him.
- Ask what exactly can be done to help him and alleviate his condition .
- Do not forget about yourself and do not allow a depressed person to suck himself into the quagmire of his life and his sorrows.
Depression is a serious mental illness that cannot be cured in a couple of days.
Therefore, you need to stock up on patience and forgiveness . Even if a person does not make contact, you need to be persistent and patient and not give up trying to reach him.
It is also worth reminding of your presence, so to speak, to always be invisibly nearby. Sometimes even just knowing that there will always be someone who will help and support him has a healing effect.
What you need to understand when communicating with people who are depressed:
Literature to help
To help better understand the nature of depressive disorders and their different shades, we have selected a few books that you will enjoy:
Andrey Kurpatov “Say NO to depression!”
A bestseller by a Russian practicing psychotherapist and TV presenter, in which he describes his professional experience in treating the disease and advises getting rid of it without medication.
Jon Kabat-Zinn "The Conscious Path Through Depression"
Psychiatrist Jon Kabat-Zinn talks about practices developed in the meditative tradition of Buddhism. Using meditation in therapy, he confirmed its effectiveness in treating depression.
Antoni Kempinski "Melancholia"
This is a book about depression, sadness and neurotic conditions that arise in the lives of people of different ages. Despite the fact that a Polish psychotherapist wrote it in the 70s of the last century, it is still relevant.
Michael Cunningham "The Clock"
The novel, which won the prestigious Pulitzer Prize, is overshadowed by the film adaptation starring Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore and Nicole Kidman. Meanwhile, the book version of The Hours delves even deeper into the recesses of the mind controlled by depression, presenting its different types. After all, everyone suffers from depression differently.
Robert Leahy "Beat Depression Before It Beats You"
A guide written by a practitioner and professor of clinical psychology and psychiatry. The author covers common problems caused by depression and explains how to solve them. This is a must-read for those who are experiencing symptoms of the disease and see no way out of it.
Matt Haig Falling in Love with Life. How to Learn to Live Again When You're Almost Destroyed by Depression"
The true story of the author - a man who survived a crisis, overcame depression, survived and learned to live again.
Loretta Breuning “Happiness Hormones. How to train your brain to produce serotonin, dopamine, endorphin and oxytocin"
Almost everything that makes us feel great is associated with one of the happiness hormones. The author, a clinical psychologist and researcher, suggests several ways to increase them. The book will teach you to experience happy thoughts and feelings, even when the world around you does not give you reasons to smile.
Depression is a serious chronic disease with a tendency to relapse. It will not go away on its own and therefore requires treatment. The sooner help comes, the greater the chances of recovery. It is important for a person who is faced with a problem to remember that life is precious, and he is not alone in life. With the support of doctors, family and friends, there is always hope that the disease can be overcome. This happens very often.
How to Love Someone with Anxiety Disorder
You met a nice girl with whom you finally felt warm and cozy. Sensitive, attentive, for the first time in her life she put your apartment in order and, it seems, is ready to care for and cherish it, like her own mother. However, the comparison with your mother is not the most encouraging, because pretty soon she begins to control you in the same way. You can no longer hang out at the bar after work, because she won’t let you go, scared to death that someone will beat you up and rob you. However, she herself doesn’t go to parties either, because she can’t stand loud music and large companies. And at some point, an attempt to correct the mess she caused at home causes real hysterics.
This may not just be a “severe character”, but an anxiety disorder - a widespread and diverse mental disorder: from generalized anxiety disorder to panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive disorder and various types of phobias.
Each anxious person has their own main fears: some are shaken by the company of new people, others by worry for loved ones. Constant worry exhausts and leaves little energy for useful activities, so you shouldn’t expect high energy and efficiency from them.
Some people will find fearfulness and impressionability very cute, but don’t flatter yourself too much: anxiety has another side - aggression aimed at self-defense. This side is especially pronounced in anxious men: they, as a rule, are also economical and caring, but the level of control (for your own good!) can reach despotism.
A common way to cope with anxiety is through numerous rules and rituals, which reach the point of absurdity in obsessive-compulsive disorder. This is not a whim, but a relatively effective way to cope with the situation: the performed ritual calms you down and gives you a feeling of control over what is happening. This is definitely not worth laughing at. After all, when you say a prayer to calm yourself before an important event, or sleep with a textbook under your pillow before an exam, you are doing the same thing.
What not to do if your partner has an anxiety disorder
To be left alone with problems.
Being left alone with fears is the main nightmare of the anxious. Dr. Spock's "the best way to stop a tantrum is to not react to it" doesn't work here. You, of course, will save yourself from an unpleasant sight, but the relationship is unlikely to last long after this. And if you stay nearby, embodying understanding and calm with your whole appearance, they will definitely appreciate it. Holding your hand firmly and leading you away from an unpleasant place may be enough to stop a panic attack. It is important to listen to the entire stream of consciousness and say something reassuring.
“Feed” anxiety.
If you yourself are quite anxious, you will have a very difficult time. It is important for the anxious person to believe that there is a person nearby who controls the situation better than him. And if you easily become infected with panic and begin to voice new terrible versions of what is happening, then he will lose the last ground under his feet.
Save from all adversity.
Sparing your beloved or loved one from all hardships (from nervous work to a couple of hours in an apartment alone) is also not a solution at all. Anxiety has a dangerous feature: fueled by fears, it grows, capturing new spaces. This is called “generalization”: first a person is afraid of white mice, then of the laboratories in which they live, and in the end he cannot cross the threshold of the university. Thus, the anxious person risks driving himself into a corner and finding himself in complete isolation.
What to do if your partner has an anxiety disorder
Don't escalate.
Since you are together, find out what exactly scares your partner and never abuse it.
Keep me posted.
Regularly communicate when you arrive home, what important things you are doing and why you are in a bad mood. This way you will save your and her or his nerves. After all, when an anxious person does not know what is happening, his brain draws the worst version possible. By the time you return from an unplanned meeting with a friend, a team of volunteer rescuers may already be looking for you.
Create a safe environment.
The sensitive psyche of an anxious person cannot tolerate overload. She can be “closed” even from an excess of positive impressions, for example, at a stormy holiday. Therefore, it is extremely important that the home is a quiet and cozy place where you can relax.
Support in the fight against fears.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy suggests fighting fears using the “wedge by wedge” method: accustoming yourself to frightening situations. But this needs to be done gradually and in truly safe conditions, no “throw you off the boat and let him learn to swim” (they will never forgive you for this). The support of a partner creates this feeling of security, and in general it’s great to expand the boundaries of an interesting world together: for example, climb onto a beautiful roof arm in arm with your loved one and overcome your fear of heights.
pros
Anxious people are considerate, empathetic, and responsible. They try to foresee everything and prepare for everything simply because they cannot do otherwise. They will find a way to save money for a rainy day, will always notice when something happens to you, and will take a warm jacket for you on a trip. If you value care and are not afraid of some degree of overprotection, then you will be comfortable together.
Minuses
The reasons for fear and anxiety may have nothing to do with reality, and then guardianship turns into hysteria or domestic terror. Anxious people can be rigid and controlling in their attempts to protect themselves from anything threatening. They torment loved ones with interrogations and prohibitions. It’s not for nothing that at psychology lectures they like to cite the example of Chekhov’s “Man in a Case” - a rather difficult character.
Pathological jealous people are also often anxious people.
And if you even accidentally put your loved one in a situation that is unbearable for her, for example, you get stuck in an elevator on the 20th floor because she is afraid of heights, you may be physically harmed by heels and nails.
Who should I contact?
You contact a specialist. If a word, a conversation can help you (it makes sense to start with this) - you need a psychologist, if words are not enough, you need a psychotherapist. This is already a doctor with experience in psychiatric work. A psychiatrist appears on stage in extreme cases: such as, for example, suicidal feelings, a suicide attempt. “Any action in the form of auto-aggression or hetero-aggression (aggression against oneself or another person) must be examined by a psychiatrist,” explains Lyubov Frolova.
Often everything ends with the first stage - a trip to a psychologist. It helps some, but does not help others, and the person generally becomes disillusioned with psychological help. He develops the belief that specialists in this profile are unable to cope with his problem. What to do? Here it makes sense to talk about the quality of psychological and psychotherapeutic services in the country. And about the culture of turning to such professionals. Many people do not understand the difference between a psychologist and a psychotherapist.
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“A psychologist treats only with words. The psychotherapist treats both with a pill and with words. A psychiatrist most often uses medications, such specialists are overloaded, deal with difficult problems, and have little time, usually they do not have time to engage in psychotherapy,” says Lyubov Frolova.
Depression can develop gradually: a bad mood becomes habitual and constant. A person begins to ignore study, work, some holidays, events. Social connections are disrupted. After starting treatment for depression, most patients' condition improves within 4-6 weeks.
How to Love Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
Like depression, this disorder is more common in women. But don’t forget that a quarter of all “border guards” are men. Finding yourself in a relationship with a “border guard” or “border guard” is as easy as shelling pears: these are emotional, sociable guys who literally cannot live without love. But they quickly become disappointed (or disappointed), and therefore periodically remain in active search. The essence of their relationship style is perfectly described in the book “I Hate You - Don’t Leave Me”: a constant storm of emotions and contrasts.
Today you were a princess and a dream come true for him - and a week later he calls you an arrogant egoist. In the morning she sings in the bathroom, and in the evening she complains that she has been unhappy all her life and is not understood by anyone. The peculiarity of border guards is the comprehensive predominance of feelings over reason. At the most physical level: their amygdala, the part of the brain that is responsible for emotions, mainly negative ones, is overactive. Their thinking is colored in black and white, at every single moment everything is either perfect or too bad.
Borderlines have difficulty understanding who they really are and what they want from life and from you: this is called identity disorder. It is very painful. Often border guards cause physical harm to themselves just to numb their mental pain.
To maintain balance, the border guard needs to “attach” to a more stable person and look at himself through his eyes. No partner will be able to fully compensate for the deficit that has been going on since childhood, and therefore the relationship will not be easy. But this does not mean that they are doomed to failure. Provided there is sufficient awareness on both sides, there is a chance to learn how to smooth out rough edges.
What not to do if your partner has BPD
Ignore.
Being hysterical from a border guard is not only pointless, but also dangerous. If you leave, slamming the door, it will be perceived as “gone forever, no one needs me, why live.” It can even go as far as suicide threats, which will seem like banal blackmail to you. This may be true, but always remember that most border guards have actually attempted suicide. Some of them risk becoming the last. Emotions are so strong and unstable that they drown out the voice of reason completely. Accusations made in hysterics cannot be taken seriously. When the storm subsides, the border guard will most likely completely forget what he said.
Provoke.
The psyche of a border guard is easily excitable and unstable, and therefore they easily succumb to provocations. If you push your opinion or argue aggressively, then a banal finding out who is going to the store will turn into an analysis of your relationship from the first day you met. With a stream of abuse and the most sophisticated accusations.
What to do if your partner has BPD
Acknowledge the reality of his feelings.
No matter how absurd the drama unfolding out of the blue may seem, for the border guard all the experiences are absolutely real. At this moment he feels rejected, lonely, practically non-existent. Just admit it - the borderline rarely finds understanding for his feelings, which are always “too much” for others, and will be grateful. You can also simply distract yourself from intense experiences: not always, but your favorite movie or good sex will save you.
Connect your mind.
In psychotherapy, the main methods of helping people with BPD are teaching techniques to control emotions and training logical thinking. You can also help your partner with this by calmly (without moralizing!) talking through and explaining conflict situations.
A reality check helps a lot: using specific examples, explain that there are no real reasons for his fear (for example, of being left alone and in poverty for the rest of his days). It is important to remind that bad moments will pass, and life will move on.
pros
Many people with BPD are bright, strongly feeling, and creative. They are easily carried away by both people and activities, they love the new and unusual. With them you definitely won’t get bored from the lack of emotions and events in your life together.
Minuses
They are manipulators. Since childhood, border guards have become accustomed to the idea that they must fight for care and attention by any means necessary. And if you don’t give them enough of this (and it’s impossible to give them, because too much is required), heavy artillery can be used against you, and before you know it, you will find yourself guilty of all the ills of the universe. Stalkers who pursue those who have rejected their love are also often people with BPD. Their self-esteem is so strongly tied to their chosen one or chosen one that they are unable to let it go.
Belief in a magic pill
In any case, we must admit: treatment depends on the severity of the stress. “If there is an earthquake and you are in the middle of it, everyone understands that there is a need for all types of help. But an earthquake, the collapse of the world, can also happen in a figurative sense, in a psychological sense, in your head. You must try to realize the extent of your defeat. And then go to the doctor, choosing a specialist with medical training. And he is preparing for drug treatment.
At the same time, drug assistance must be supported by psychotherapy, then in 90-95 percent of cases we will be successful. “If the treatment is just a pill, that’s 50 percent success. If treatment is just a word, it’s also 50 percent. Only a combination of factors can help. And success will be 95 percent, as a doctor I cannot guarantee 100 percent cure,” says Lyubov Frolova.
“But if you read the forums on the Internet, then almost everyone has faith in a magic pill, in 90 percent of cases, and for any disease. A hypertensive patient will come to the doctor and demand: “Doctor, give me this medicine so that I can immediately be cured and look 20 years younger,” says the psychotherapist. – And the doctor, from the point of view of such a patient, is a magician. We shift responsibility to the doctor. He should wave his wand and I should be good as new. This again comes from social immaturity. The most common request we have is “doctor, give me hypnosis so that I can be cured.”
A person may be disappointed in treatment - not because the doctor or antidepressant is bad, but because the person expects something different from the treatment. He is waiting for magic. But let's be real: there are no magic pills or magic words.
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