Every fifth woman in Russia suffers from violence - moral and physical. Look around and you will see one of these unfortunates, perhaps even in your surroundings. Slouched shoulders, wary eyes, pursed lips - a typical image of a victim. What is her partner like?
“All adults come from childhood. Therefore, when parents build relationships with children based on manifestations of power, control, discipline, perfectionism, moralization, and not empathy and feelings, then this becomes the norm in a person’s life in relation to their partner. For a child who was belittled in the family, given slaps, whose opinion was not listened to, compared with other children, not praised or pitied, rudeness and pressure will become part of adult life. In most cases this is what happens. Therefore, learning to notice warning signs in a man’s behavior is important not only for your peace of mind, but also for the sake of future children. There are many signs of a personality prone to tyranny. I’ll focus on the main ones.”
Controls every step
Over time, he will begin to decide everything for you, and you will not notice how your desires gradually fade into the background, and then completely dissolve in time and space.
A tyrant man has very clear ideas about what a woman should be like next to him. He will describe your behavior almost down to the instructions. “I won't like your dress. Change your clothes!”, “Stop saying hello to the concierge, I don’t like it,” etc. A strong, energetic woman is unlikely to be subdued. But if you start playing giveaway, you will have to live by the will of such a man, and it is unlikely that you will be able to extricate yourself from this story without losses. “Any coercion or disrespect of a partner is a serious problem.
Controlling men use a range of behaviors and display a wide range of attitudes in life. One of the best ways to tell how deep a male control problem runs is to look at his reaction when you start demanding better treatment.” LUNDY BANCROFT, clinical psychologist, author of the books Tyrant Husbands. How to stop male cruelty" and "Why is he doing this? Who is an abuser and how to resist him"
Signs of a domestic tyrant
The most important “bell” of the beginning of abuse: a man treats you, an adult, like a parent suffering from overprotection, takes care of, controls, “educates.” Perhaps guardianship seems to you like “caring” or even a sign of love, but alas, sooner or later prohibitions and punishments will appear. Here are some “red flags” - signs of a tyrant:
- He undertakes to solve your problems even without your request, as if you yourself are not capable, condescendingly dismissing you
- He knows better than you what you need and what is best for you, and he is trying to impose this vision on you.
- He tells you what to wear, how to behave, where to go, what to do. And how did you live without it before?
- The man controls your actions - he constantly calls, asks for an account of what-where-when-why you did
- They will check your phone, email, correspondence on social networks
- A man criticizes and evaluates your hobbies, tastes, style, figure, abilities
- He encourages you to “improve” - to “correct” points he criticized or to cultivate in yourself what he likes. From “it wouldn’t hurt for you to go to fitness” to “why do you need this university - it’s better to learn how to cook”
- He praises you from above, like a child: “well done,” smart girl.”
- The man is jealous / claims ownership of you, as if he bought you - “you are mine”, “I won’t give you to anyone”, etc.
- He “forbids” you something. It doesn’t matter whether the prohibition is directly expressed or whether he asks, explaining that he is “worried” and “nervous”
- He criticizes your family and friends, slanderes them and tries to limit your communication with them
- The man insists on respect for him as the “main thing”, on the fact that his opinion is by default correct and binding - “because I said so”
- Indirect: He often accuses you of disrespecting him when you disagree with his opinion.
- He directly declares himself the “head of the family” and demands “obedience”
- He accuses you of lust for power
- A man is always right, does not apologize for his actions, but demands an apology from you
- If he does apologize for something, he still makes you feel guilty: “I lost my temper because you provoked/pushed me”
- His promises to improve always contain conditions for you: “this will not happen again if you …”
- A man manipulates, making you feel guilty, using silence, anger, demonstrative resentment, pressure on feelings (pity, love)
- He often shifts responsibility for his actions/emotions/mood onto you/other people/circumstances
- His jokes “bite” - they contain derogatory overtones for you
- A man accuses you of inadequacy, mental abnormality, stupidity, “female logic”
- He loves to talk about how “a woman should...”
- He believes in fundamental differences in the “nature” of men and women and explains his or your behavior by this difference
- The man says: “I will never offend you”, “I will never hurt you”
- He threatens divorce/breakup if you “behave badly”
Requires report
A tyrant easily violates a woman’s mental and physical boundaries. For example, he can check her phone and correspondence, ask her to report where she spent time and with whom. He does not recognize personal freedom, so you can forget about personal interests - dance school, fitness, theater studio. The tyrant will deprive you of friends, relatives, hobbies, leisure, work in order to make you dependent on him. By the way, hoping that you will be able to change such a man is a waste of time. Not only does he not feel guilty for such an “intrusion,” but he also, in principle, does not understand that he is behaving rudely. At the mental level, he is not allowed to realize this.
Patience is not an option!
Submission to the tyranny of a despot husband is a voluntary renunciation of one’s own happiness and hopes for a successful life for children. A woman living in a marriage with a man who oppresses her must first of all realize the fact that she has every right to adequately rebuff the tyrant, even ending the relationship, and this will only benefit both her and her children. Otherwise, household members will face constant stress, conflicts, somatic and mental illnesses, and a repetition of the pathological situation in the family life of children.
A consultation with a qualified psychologist or psychotherapist helps to understand the true reasons why a woman is unable to resist domestic tyranny. The specialist will identify hidden factors that prevent a woman from feeling like a free person and work on effective and safe behavior patterns. A good psychologist (psychotherapist) helps to find inner potential , through which a woman can model her independence. Freed from oppressive psychological attitudes, the victim of family tyranny finds financial and other resources in order to live a calm, happy life without guilt and fear and provide normal conditions for the development of his children.
Don't be left alone with your problems. Having realized that the circumstances of your family life do not suit you, ask for help - you have every right to live according to the laws that you set for yourself, to live a full and vibrant life and to be happy!
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Stingy with emotions
The tyrant is an emotional greedy person. He does not want to invest in a relationship or does it at a minimum; it is more important for him to receive more than to give. He is more likely to devastate a woman, feed on her energy, rather than give love and share joy. Basically, all his worries revolve around himself and his feelings in his relationship with you. For such a man, kind words, attention, and compliments are always not enough, although he himself is incapable of love. Surprisingly, you will have to make excuses for insufficient depth of feelings.
What to do if your husband is a tyrant
Often, women, due to low self-esteem, do not try to change the situation and leave their husband who does not suit them. So they live for years with their husband, a tyrant and despot. Most people easily condemn such ladies for their weakness of will, but often in practice the situation turns out to be difficult to painlessly break the connection once and for all. And there are many reasons for this. Initially, the problem is that the tyrant chooses as a companion a chosen one without ambitions, calm, focused on marriage, household chores and creating family comfort. He really gives the girl everything at the beginning of the relationship. A despotic man looks after her very beautifully, skillfully creates a picture of an ideal person, bestows gifts, fulfills wishes, and indulges women’s whims. Corresponds 100% to the image of a passionate lover and standard spouse.
Gradually, over time, patriarchal relationships will be established in family life. At first, this looks quite adequate: the man is the breadwinner, earns money, and the wife takes care of the housework. Then the children appear. The wife's entire circle is imperceptibly eradicated: friends, colleagues, relatives, just friends. After the tyrant husband shows his true face, he can assure that he will improve, but if the wife behaves correctly, and after that she continues to occasionally show her attention, show care, and will begin to give gifts. The wife will think that her husband has come to his senses and corrected himself, but in reality this is not the case.
The main reasons that prevent a wife from changing her life are:
- low self-esteem;
– naivety that a husband can be remade;
– presence of small children;
– subconscious contentment with the role of the victim: there is no need to take responsibility for the family, make decisions, the woman enjoys scandals with subsequent reconciliation;
– financial dependence on husband;
– lack of work,
– memories of the initial good relationship and the conviction that the spouse will improve, becoming the same;
– lack of friends and relatives who could help;
– feeling of one’s own guilt for the fact that the spouse has become different;
– lack of self-confidence;
– fear of being alone and lack of understanding of what to do next.
If a woman sees a way out in continuing to live with a tyrant, then she has the following options for behavior:
The first is to submit in everything and submit to your husband.
The second is to win your position and be able to stand up for yourself.
The choice remains only for the woman.
You can make life easier with a tyrant, but only if you decide to fight back. To do this, you need to contact a psychologist, with whom you can analyze each specific situation, drawing up a specific action plan.
Psychologists advise not to take a subordinate position in the family, not to lower your head and not give in to slack. As soon as a woman shows weakness, the tyrant will go on the offensive, so you need to become a strong person and love yourself.
Focused only on myself
He wants to deal not with your entire personality, but exclusively with that part of it that he likes. The partner thus becomes something functional for him. The tyrant will make up for his internal deficit at her expense - intelligence, emotional warmth. He is a priori an exploiter: he cannot give himself something here and now - he will definitely demand it from you. The tyrant was unfairly, in his opinion, demoted. You can be sure that this topic will be the main one for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And you must listen, reassure and admire his invaluable merits. And this can last for months, while he may not be interested in the woman’s affairs and concerns.
Domestic violence against women
This phenomenon occurs frequently in all countries of the world. Despotism in the family manifests itself everywhere in verbal humiliation, physical tyranny, spiritual, economic bullying, with the aim of gaining complete control, instilling fear, regardless of social status, age, financial status, religion. According to statistics, psychological violence in the family occurs mainly against the fairer sex. The “victim-tyrant” relationship format for many women becomes the only way of communication, preventing the woman from realizing the true state of affairs.
The way he talks
- aggressive, predatory, “vampire”, “cannibalistic”, “hunting” vocabulary slips into his speech. (“Consider this my selfish desire to become smarter, powered by your battery”, “Good luck hunting NN”, “I would have eaten you”, “my boss sucked all the blood out of me”, “Men are predators, hunters, everyone needs one thing and also".),
- often uses the words “admire”, “respect”, “envy with white envy”,
- likes to use words in superlatives (“absolutely”, “wonderful”, “wonderful”),
- uses “technical” vocabulary (this observation from Sam Vaknin: “likes to talk about himself in mechanical terms - “machine”, “efficient”, “punctual”, “result”, “computer”, “optimal”).
- can be very talkative, trying to attract everyone's attention. Or, conversely, remain “mysteriously” silent.
- Tanya Tank, author of the trilogy “Fear, I’m with you. A terrible book about the fatal and irresistible"
Psychology of a male tyrant
The main feature of people of this psychotype is an insatiable desire for power, manifested in dominance over those who are weaker. In cases where this is not feasible with strangers, everything is transferred to the family. And in order to maintain power, the oppressive husband resorts to domestic violence against women: physical or psychological. This is how relationships develop in a couple, where the wife is the victim and the husband is the tyrant.
Why is this happening? An analysis of the psychological portrait of a despot-husband will help you understand the cause-and-effect relationship.
Human complexes are formed in childhood; the behavioral models of parents become the standard and manifest themselves in adulthood. The son simply copies his father. Many psychologists believe that there is a genetic predisposition to aggression, dominance in relationships and, as a result, psychological violence against women in the family.
The question arises, why do the fairer sex tolerate this? The victim seeks to grasp at the illusory “hope”, which most often is the fear of change. The choice between constant humiliation and freedom is a great responsibility, for which, for various reasons, people are not ready. For example, there is nowhere to go, no means for independent existence, and then it is necessary to decide what is better than imaginary material well-being or peace of mind. In such a situation, the victim cannot change anything on his own; he will need the help of a family psychologist. It is important to understand that if it does not change, you should not hope for changes in the family.
In order to recognize a tyrant in time, you need to:
- Have inner core and self-respect. This will help you get out of a toxic and draining relationship without losing yourself.
- Be able to see reality, and not justify your partner’s actions, plunging yourself into even greater illusions.
- Don’t be afraid to go to a psychologist and get competent advice. The first step to freedom can be the support of friends.
- Remember that serious relationships involve two people. And if you don't feel comfortable wearing them, look for another man.
Published on the portal parents.ru
Tyrant husband - advice from a psychologist
Whether it makes sense to continue living with a tyrant husband is, of course, only women can decide. But it won’t hurt all the ladies to think: is it worth ruining their lives for the sake of such a man?
If the husband is a tyrant, then he is a subtle psychologist and a real “chameleon”. During the first date, it is difficult to recognize a tyrant in a man. Outwardly, he looks like an exemplary family man: caring, courageous, strong, generously giving, loving and appreciating his chosen one. He strives to quickly take on his beloved responsibility and after a short time calls for marriage. The girl falls in love with such an ardent boyfriend, not paying attention to the first alarm bells.
How to behave with a tyrant husband? It is quite difficult to leave such a man. He will not let go of his “victim” easily. In each specific case, it is necessary to take into account the type of tyrant.
Conventionally, tyrants are divided into those who:
– controls everything;
– insults and humiliates;
- opens his arms.
Controlling tyrant. Such a man is characterized by endless questions: “What did you do? Why was you delayed and didn’t call on time? Where were you? This is not the entire list of questions to which the wife must give a constant report. And if a woman cannot get in touch in a timely manner or avoids answering, then a scandal will occur in the family. A controlling tyrant constantly torments his chosen one with jealousy and prohibits communication with any men, including classmates, neighbors, brothers, and acquaintances. Some friends are also blacklisted and will be ordered to stop communicating with them.
Over time, even this will not seem enough for the husband, and he will begin to periodically check his phone, social networks, read SMS, and monitor calls. It is important for him to keep his wife’s life under control; nothing should escape his eyes. With picky insistence, the husband begins to check his wife’s makeup, hairstyle, and outfits. He is not happy when his wife looks attractive to other men.
Humiliating tyrant. This type is endlessly insulting and humiliating. He prefers to assert himself at the expense of his wife’s low self-esteem. Caustic remarks, hurtful words, insults, and verbal humiliation are common manifestations in family life. With undisguised pleasure, the tyrant husband will poke his wife into her shortcomings, pointing out her constant mistakes. It will be difficult to please him, and sometimes even impossible. He will always find something to complain about and point out to a woman: she made up too brightly or unnoticed, she over-salted the dish, she dressed tastelessly, she didn’t immediately respond to an SMS, she didn’t show herself well in bed, and so on.
Humiliation does not always occur in a pretentious or aggressive form; they can be done in a playful manner with the smile of a moral “sadist” on his face.
The husband is a tyrant, spreading his hands. This type of tyrant is the most terrible, because a man, without thinking about the consequences, can easily raise his hand against his wife for no apparent reason, for example, the wife looked the wrong way, said the wrong thing, or simply remained silent. Such a man does not feel guilty about himself, believing that his wife asked for it and deserved such treatment by her behavior.
Tyrant husbands are often addicted to alcoholic beverages, which worsens family life and contributes to physical violence. Often a tyrant husband combines within himself a mixture of two or three of the above types.
If a woman notices the above-described signs in her partner’s behavior, this should prompt her to think: is she a victim of psychological and physical terror.
He is a tyrant, you are a victim. That's how the world works
Your state of victim is the only thing that attracts a tyrant. As long as you feel like a victim, you can’t get out of the trap. The more trapped you are, the more you feel self-doubt, worthlessness and uselessness.
And it will always be this way until you resolve the state of the victim within yourself.
As soon as you stop being a victim, you will easily fight back the tyrant and you will gain self-respect.
In 20 minutes we will find the reason for your “victim” behavior and understand what to do with it so that it ceases to exist in you.
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