Perfectionism: what it is, causes, features of the disorder, ways to control the condition

Always achieve better results, strive to do more and more perfectly, demand the impossible from yourself - this is how perfectionism manifests itself in human behavior. On the one hand, this seems like a positive feature. After all, if a person strives for the best, he can achieve serious heights in his career, business, and social life. But most often, too high demands on oneself lead to completely different results: dissatisfaction, disappointment in life, depression.

Why is this happening? Why is perfectionism dangerous? How to identify it in yourself or a loved one and how to get rid of it? Victoria Witte answered these questions to a FAN

Photo from the archive of Victoria Witte /

Perfectionist - who is it?

In simple words, this is a person who strives to achieve the ideal result in everything. The meaning of the word perfectionism is based on the Latin term perfectum, which translates as “perfect.” Such a person has an excessively high level of motivation, which most often manifests itself from early childhood.

Study with straight A's and get a red diploma or maximum scores on the Unified State Exam at all costs. Go above and beyond to achieve the coveted position. Step on your own moral values, for the sake of a higher goal. Put on a mask every day and be a chameleon so that others will definitely approve, understand and appreciate the efforts made.

Such people who, from school, strive to obtain the external attributes of success, are endowed with the “excellent student syndrome.” However, studying with straight A's and graduating from school with honors at any cost does not mean gaining a strong knowledge base. But achieving a good position and devoting yourself entirely to work does not at all mean becoming happy. The very word “syndrome” hints at ill health, since the motivation that guides the person is in this case excessive.

“Everything needs moderation,” comments psychologist Victoria Witte. — There is a healthy level of motivation when we develop and move up the career ladder with pleasure and without violence. And there is an unhealthy one - when our internal light bulb heats up to such an extent that it almost bursts from overvoltage.”

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Count the pros, not the cons

When we start to panic because we are far from ideal, we should stop and evaluate what has already been achieved.
Perfectionism is motivated by the fear of not being good enough or the fear of getting a bad grade. Fact

: if we start to bother ourselves with shortcomings and shortcomings in our work, most likely there will also be many good sides. The same applies to the assessment of other people.

An excellent example is provided by Rita Pearson, a teacher who works with problem students. Here is her TED talk with Russian subtitles:

Instead of criticizing for shortcomings, it is better to praise for achievements.

What does perfectionism mean for a person?

A perfectionist is characterized by excessive demands on himself and others. In his understanding, there is no good work result. The result should only be excellent, and if it is not, then it is terrible. And most often in such black-and-white thinking, it is the black color that predominates.

A perfectionist sees only his own failures and pays utmost attention to them. Compares himself with others, focuses on the most successful, the most worthy, the very best. He is often gnawed by envy when he sees more successful people, or considers their achievements more significant than his own. In order not to experience this painful envy, he seriously limits his circle of contacts. And he perceives colleagues, friends and even close people as competitors.

The pursuit of excellence can allow you to achieve success in your professional field or business. But even this success does not bring moral satisfaction to the perfectionist. Due to his personality characteristics, he is inclined to devalue his own achievements, consider them an accident or a temporary “clarification” that will soon end. And if he realizes that he has achieved success, he believes that he is now obliged to confirm it all the time. Otherwise, he will disappoint the people around him.

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How to cure perfectionism with a psychologist: therapy

Fear of a perfectionist
Treating perfectionism on your own is quite difficult, because to do this you need to constantly adhere to the recommendations of a psychologist. However, you will not find any other way. If you turn to a psychologist with your problem, then he, of course, will have different methods of work. First of all, he will conduct psychoanalysis and only then prescribe therapy. As a rule, it is aimed at changing thinking and behavior. Moreover, a specialist will definitely select a relaxation technique, because a perfectionist constantly experiences tension.

Examples of perfectionism

“Perfectionists are often characterized by rigidity of thinking,” says psychologist Victoria Witte. “Such people are not capable of creativity or searching for alternative solutions. They often get “stuck in the past” and live in their own world, while the world around them has already changed significantly.”

A 70-year-old owner of a small store can be considered a perfectionist, who does not allow his subordinates to ask for a salary increase, does not change anything in his own business for years, and works the old fashioned way. But he considers himself “head and shoulders above” those around him, since back in Soviet times he received a “good education” or worked in a “serious position.” At the same time, there is a constant turnover of staff in his store, the team is a mess, and customers and subordinates laugh at him behind his back.

Fact. Perfectionism is often associated with workaholism. Such people completely devote themselves to work, forgetting about the other side of life: family, friends, relaxation and even their own health. Perfectionist careerists were Leo Tolstoy, Friedrich Nietzsche , and in recent history , Steve Jobs .

It is important to set strict limits

Setting boundaries is guaranteed to get rid of perfectionist obsessions.
It is important to determine how many resources we are willing to spend on projects and work. In life, boundaries are flexible and blurred, and you can always spend a little more time, put in a little more effort and invest a little more money to do your job a little better and move further.

It is important to conserve resources, here are the five most valuable of them and ways to save them:

Time: set a time limit and set a deadline.
Information: determine the final amount of information required.
Money: Set a limit on the amount of money you are willing to spend to complete a task perfectly.
Energy: determine how much effort you are willing to expend to achieve a goal.
Support: Think about what help is needed and how to thank everyone who provides support. At the same time, it is important not to fall into the trap of someone else’s perfectionism - you should not allow yourself to be helped for free.

The Perfectionist Paradox

“According to Tal Ben-Shahar , psychologist and author of the book The Perfectinist Paradox, the paradox is that such a person can be both successful and unhappy,” notes Victoria Witte. “We are all constantly under invisible pressure from society. We believe that we should look younger, earn more, and smile constantly. But what happens if you get rid of these attempts to always do everything right? Is success really that important if you don’t get satisfaction from your work?”

In an effort to always be the best and avoid mistakes, the seeds of procrastination can develop. This is what psychology calls attempts to constantly put off important things “for later” because there is a fear of doing them not in the best way. Or avoid situations in which the perfectionist sees the threat of his own shame, believes that if he does something wrong, he will definitely be judged and decided that he is not perfect.

Perfectionism and procrastination go hand in hand. And the more a person worries about his failures, the more often he tries to avoid important projects, public speaking and other “dangerous moments”. Ultimately, this negatively affects his career and increases self-doubt.

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How did the term come about?

In psychology, perfectionism began to be studied in the 19th century, but long before that, this term appeared in philosophy. Let us note that psychologists and philosophers have different understandings of what a perfectionist is. From a philosophical point of view, this is an ideal that every person should strive for. Proponents of perfectionism were Kant, Leibniz and many other philosophers.

Leonardo da Vinci's famous painting “The Vitruvian Man” (1492) is also a manifestation of perfectionism, since in it the scientist depicted the ideal proportions of the human body.

The terms “perfectionism” and “perfectionist” are derived from the English word perfection, meaning “perfection” or “improvement.” Initially they were used in philosophy with a positive connotation. In psychology, perfectionism is considered as a feature of the psyche that potentially reduces a person’s quality of life.

Pedantry and perfectionism - what is the difference?

“A perfectionist and a pedant are similar in their rigid thinking, anxiety and low self-esteem,” the expert comments. “But little things and details are important to a pedant, and besides, he evaluates himself. For a perfectionist, the assessment of other people is much more important. His way of thinking is dominated by the need to avoid judgment from others, and the result turns out to be more important to him than the details.”

In ordinary life, a pedant demands perfect order in everything. It is important for him that the documents are filled out accurately and without corrections. At work, his desk is a model of cleanliness, with every item in its place. At home, his toothbrush stands at the right angle in a clean glass, and his spoon lies strictly parallel to his fork.

A perfectionist will not pay attention to such trifles. It is important for him that the book he is working on is written perfectly, and that the renovation he has started in his own home is perfect.

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Achievements of goals

To shift targets from the prevention field to the assistance field, four actions are sufficient:

Draw a table with three columns: prevention, positive results, promotion.
Define prevention goals. To do this, you need to remember everything that you don’t like in life and what you have to put up with, what you want to avoid, and what to change, and write it down in the first column. Prevention goals contain negation and often have the particle “not.”
Describe the positive results we want to achieve and add them to the second column.
Using the information in the first two columns, reformulate the preventive goals into promoting ones and write them in the third column. Important: new goals should not contain the word “no”.

Can perfectionism be considered a personality disorder?

“In psychiatry and clinical psychology, perfectionism is considered a manifestation of ambition, one of the ways of overcompensating for an inferiority complex,” says psychologist Victoria Witte. “But I’m not inclined to label people.” Today a person shows signs of perfectionism, and tomorrow he becomes a happy businessman who has worked through his problem, achieved success and feels satisfaction from it.”

It is much more important to understand why people develop an excessive desire for perfection. According to the expert, its foundations are laid in childhood. If a child is often criticized, tightly controlled, his freedom and self-expression are suppressed, his work is devalued and he is scolded for mistakes, there is a high probability that he will grow up to be a perfectionist. And throughout his life, until he realizes his problem and decides to fight it, he will experience difficulties in communicating and perceiving himself.

At the same time, it is a mistake to consider perfectionism only an “individual characteristic” or a simple shortcoming. The emotional stress that a person experiences for years seriously affects his health, lifestyle and can cause quite tangible negative consequences:

development of psychosomatic diseases . This risk is due to the constant tension of the body and psyche with which a person lives. He is forced to be active all the time, spending much more energy than he replenishes. But this cannot go on for long. At some point the body malfunctions and the person ends up in a hospital bed;
loneliness and suffering . Constantly tormenting thoughts about one’s own imperfection, dissatisfaction with oneself, and low self-esteem do not allow one to build normal relationships with other people. A perfectionist may be lonely simply because he experiences discomfort when communicating with others, as he considers them better than himself. Or it doesn’t allow people to go through a tough casting process to become friends. Finally, he simply does not allow himself to rest and have fun, and therefore often finds himself alone;
loss of interest in life and activities.

“What happens to a computer when it overheats? - Victoria Witte comments. — It turns off, cools down and reboots, and sometimes it may not turn on at all. So it is with a person: sooner or later he loses his activity and energy.”

Against the background of perfectionism, anxiety and depression often develop, which lead to even greater threats to health and life: constant fatigue, insomnia, anhedonia - a condition in which everything that made you happy before does not bring pleasure. One of the most dangerous consequences of psychological problems is an existential crisis - loss of meaning in life and the associated likelihood of suicide.

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How to get rid of the feeling of perfectionism?

There is usually no need to treat perfectionism. At least it's not a mental disorder. Psychologists give several useful recommendations that will help you overcome the perfectionist within you:

Look at the pros and cons of perfectionism . Think about what benefited you from this and what didn’t. How does all this affect your life?
It's important to move away from all-or-nothing thinking . It is not always possible to complete tasks 100%. For complex ones this is simply impossible. You are human and have the right to be imperfect or not complete a task.
Try to do something less than ideal on purpose . It will be difficult at first, but then it will become easier. This way you will cultivate humility and modesty.
Look at the whole picture, not just the parts . Don't get hung up on the little things, otherwise you can get bogged down in them.
Celebrate your successes and think less about failures.
When you think that you are worthy of something, then think about whether you really need it. Maybe you just want something because it's a good ad or because others have it.
Learn to prioritize . You cannot complete 20 tasks with equal value. Always pick a few and focus on them.
Reevaluate your values. Consider whether something is really important. How valuable will it be to you over time?
Consider worse options. What will be the consequences? Will something terrible happen if you fail?
Always focus on the process and think less about the results. You need to appreciate all events, even the most unpleasant ones. This will be an incentive for you to grow and learn.
Recognize limitations. Learn to value yourself and accept living conditions. Understand that you won’t always be able to control the situation; something will still not go according to plan.
Cast aside all doubts and replace them with respect and self-love. Know yourself, and do not create an ideal image for the outside world.
Perfectionism requires a person to experience only specific emotions . You must understand that any emotion can exist and you cannot choose what exactly to feel. Accept them openly and don't judge yourself for it.
Healthy relationships should be your priority. Show everyone the real you. This is the best way to get closer.
Think body, mind and soul. Learn to take care of yourself - your nutrition should be correct, you should rest, have fun, and lead an active life.
Don't think too much. Just do it and that's it. If you do nothing, you will never know what will happen as a result.
Your vocabulary should not contain the words “must”, “should”... Change them to “I want”, I choose.”
Perfectionism and the desire to control everything are associated with children's attempts to cope with anxiety. You are already an adult and not so helpless. You can do better things to manage your anxiety.
Fear should not dictate your behavior . You may feel embarrassed, but you still need to act. There will be mistakes anyway because they don't define your worth.
Formulate core values and goals . You must allocate time, resources and energy correctly. You should have ideals simply as guidelines, and not as absolute truth.

How to identify a perfectionist and help him

According to Victoria Witte, there is a multidimensional perfectionism scale created to diagnose this condition and determine its level. However, this test was created a long time ago - even during the formation of psychology as a science. Therefore, it is incorrect to consider it the main diagnostic method.

“For me, it serves as an additional diagnostic tool,” the expert notes. “And it cannot replace a personal conversation, a biographical method and anamnesis.”

And in order to get rid of perfectionism and fill your life with positive emotions, the specialist advises following a few simple rules:

set priorities . Try not to put everything on yourself, cut off or delegate less important tasks to other people, and do the important ones yourself. Distribute energy wisely;
learn to relax . Alternate work and rest. Choose the relaxation method that you like. Try breathing practices, auto-training for muscle relaxation;
don't compare yourself to others . Appreciate your uniqueness and the uniqueness of others. Rejoice in your successes, and perceive mistakes and mistakes as experience;
praise yourself . This is also important. Keep a “thought diary” and write down in it what emotions negative situations caused you, and what result this led to;
please your “inner child” . Learn to enjoy life. Find a hobby, something for the soul, which you will do only for pleasure, and not for the sake of results;
Spend time with pleasant people , like-minded people. Try to be in nature more often.

And don't take life too seriously. Many problems will go away on their own, and everyday life will sparkle with new colors if you perceive life not as a race for perfection, but as an interesting game or an exciting adventure.

Take a look from the outside

An effective way to get out of the web of perfectionism is to look at the situation from the outside. Here are a few ways to do this:

Take a break and put the current task aside. It is important to give the brain time to rest and open the way to the subconscious.
Switch your attention and move away from your projects, do something else. For example, when working intellectually, it would be good to take breaks for physical work: cleaning the house, washing dishes, and so on.
See through someone else's eyes and show someone your unfinished work.

A fresh perspective will help you focus on the task as a whole and not get lost in the details. Looking from the outside, we can evaluate the work already done and tune in to further goals.

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Rules for dealing with perfectionists

Perfectionists can be difficult for ordinary people to understand. Therefore, communication between them can be difficult. If there are perfectionists in your circle with whom you would like to establish contact, pay attention to the following tips.

Respect their differences

All people are different: each with their own characteristics and cockroaches in their heads. If a person is different from you in some way, this is not a reason to make fun of him. You may not accept someone else’s picture of the world, but you must respect it.

Therefore, be calm about manifestations of perfectionism, even if they irritate you. Never tell a person that he is doing nonsense, do not teach him or stand on top of him. Only if he asks you for help can you give him careful advice.

Praise more often

Perfectionists are very critical of themselves and sensitive to the opinions of others. Even when they do something perfectly, they still doubt their abilities. Praise and public recognition of their achievements will help them believe in themselves.

Praise them sincerely and emotionally, the more they really deserve it. For you this is a trifle, but for a person it is like a balm for the soul.

Don't discount their experiences

As I already said, perfectionists are characterized by increased anxiety. They can worry a lot about little things and obsess over details. There is no need to try to calm them down by saying “it’s a small thing,” “don’t pay attention,” “it’s not worth your worries.”

If you want to help and support a person, say that you understand his feelings and offer help in a meaningful way.

Also take a look at our article on what self-esteem is. This is a very relevant topic for perfectionists.

Tips to help overcome perfectionism

Of course, we are talking about “bad” perfectionism, because there is no need to fight “good”

First of all, it is necessary to study the world around us
. Not only from books, films and other fantasies of other people, but also in direct reality. It should be clearly understood that one’s own and other people’s ideas, as well as theories, hypotheses and instructions, are only simplified models of reality, which in itself does not particularly correspond to them.
You shouldn't give up your ideals, but you shouldn't strive for them either
. The ideal must be “used” as a guide, and nothing more. So, if you want to play the guitar like Yngwie Malmsteen, you must understand that you will most likely never have exactly the same guitar, exactly the same equipment, the same opportunities for constant practice, or the same finger shape. and the opportunity to perform at the same venues; which means the sound of your music will be completely different from that of your idol - at best, it will be more or less close to him.

Is the “disease” dangerous?

“Healthy” perfectionism is not only not a dangerous state, but in a sense “ideal” for a person. Such a perfectionist, in particular, has a quality that is valuable for the present time - resistance to stress. If perfectionism takes the form of a mental disorder, then it is definitely harmful both for the “patient” himself and for the people around him.