What to do if your mother died: how to survive death and move on if it’s bad

Many people at a certain stage of life are faced with a difficult question: “How to survive the death of your mother?” It’s hard at any age, and it always seems to us that we didn’t prove something, didn’t show it, didn’t have time. The death of a mother is always a shock, even if we do not immediately realize it. It seems to us that if this happens, it won’t be soon, but life often makes unexpected adjustments.

Stages of Grief

Some of the five stages you will have to go through:

Disbelief. When a mother leaves the world, her child, regardless of age, does not believe what happened. It seems that all this is a dream, my mother just left the house and will return soon. Even on the day of the funeral, standing in front of an unearthed grave, a person refuses to believe what happened. It feels like everything that’s happening is a bad dream.
Addiction. Time passes after my mother's death. The one who lost her begins to slowly get used to his mother’s absence. But the awareness of death never appeared; out of habit, my hand reaches for the phone to call my mother. I want to share something with her, talk, come visit (if living separately). And then, the person remembers that there is no one else to go to, no one to talk to, since his mother is no longer there.
Humility. Gradually, the orphan begins to come to terms with the death of his mother and realize the loss. And then, along with pain and bitterness, a feeling of guilt comes.

One of the most difficult periods is self-reproach, guilt before the deceased mother.

Stages of experience

Sadness after the loss of a loved one has specific phases and it is important to go through them in order to find peace of mind. Children, friends and spouse go through the same stages after the death of a husband. To know how to get out of stress after a funeral, you need to understand the features of these stages. It is important to understand that a normal process takes place in a person’s soul on the way to returning to his former life. If any of the stages is delayed, then you need to seek help from a psychologist. There are five stages in total:

Shock, misunderstanding of the situation.
Negation.
Accepting loss, experiencing emotional pain.
Easing pain.
Repetition.

Misunderstanding of the situation

At the first stage, it seems impossible for a person to accept the loss; as a rule, he refuses to believe what happened. The mourner has little understanding of who he is and why he is here. It is important not to focus on his misunderstanding, because this is a normal reaction for such a situation. You can give him sedatives, hold his hand, and don’t leave him alone.

The latter is important because there may be attempts to follow the deceased, and soothing phrases cannot help. It is necessary to let the person cry, there is no need to try to get him away from the coffin as quickly as possible. The mourner must be allowed to go through the state of grief.

It is strictly forbidden to stop or block crying, which can turn into hysterics.

Negation

At the second stage, the person is already aware of the loss, but his subconscious still refuses to accept it. Therefore, he can see the deceased among a mass of people or hear his steps. You can't be afraid of this. If you dream of a deceased person, then this is not bad, because in a dream there is a kind of meeting with him, and it becomes easier. If the deceased does not dream, it means that a blocking process has occurred somewhere and the mourner needs help. It is necessary to talk to the grieving person as much as possible and support him. If this does not help, then you need to convince him of the need to contact a specialist. Often a person says that he cannot calm down and cries. It is important to ensure that this does not happen constantly.

Adoption

At the third stage, pain is accepted and lived through. It comes in waves, and it feels like the pain either disappears or comes back with renewed vigor. After experiencing grief for about 4 months, psychological exhaustion may occur. Then there is a feeling that a favorable period will never come, it will not be like before. There may be a feeling of guilt towards the deceased. A person begins to think that he could change something, but the fact of death cannot be changed, and all that remains is to come to terms with it. Aggression directed at others may also arise. The mourner begins to look for the guilty and blames anyone.

Support from loved ones

The feelings described above are important for recovery, but only if they last for a short period. Therefore, to successfully pass this stage, support from relatives is necessary.

Fading pain

At the stage of pain easing, the loved one is completely perceived as dead. Gradual adaptation to the new life is being built. It becomes easier to meet other people, a person begins to look at the world through a new prism, devoid of sadness. If all the stages are completed correctly, then they remember what the deceased was like during life, remember the pleasant moments associated with him. It seems to a person that he has completely learned to control his misfortune.

Repetition

During the second year after the sad event, all the stages experienced are repeated, but in a milder form. On the day of the first anniversary, a repeated feeling of grief is possible, but the difference is that the person has already learned to control this feeling, and in the middle of the second year the feeling of guilt towards the deceased may recur.

If all stages go well, then by the end of the second year the grief ends. This does not mean that the deceased is forgotten, it just becomes easier to perceive the absence of this loved one in the life and remember only the good moments associated with him.

Feelings of guilt - justified or not

The mother died, but her child remained and cultivated a feeling of guilt. It seems to him that during the life of the parent the child did not show due care and respect. Somewhere, an orphan could offend his mother with a harsh word, forgetting to call or visit once again - this eternal lack of time. In general, he lived his own life, and my mother remained on the sidelines. A person, thinking about this, gnaws at himself, his sense of guilt grows every day.

Stop! If you continue like this, you can go crazy, in the literal sense of the word. All adult children, sooner or later, are separated from their parents. This is natural; a person creates his own family, which requires attention. And this does not mean that the parents are deprived of the attention of their son or daughter, it’s just that the child has become an adult.

As for harsh and rude phrases, there is no person who has never been insolent to their parents. Even the most well-mannered child, growing up, begins to defend his point of view and is capable of hurting his mother’s feelings with a careless statement. No wonder there is an expression - a conflict of generations. It is inevitable, especially in the child’s adolescence. But what can I say when adult children sometimes say harsh words out of resentment or in a fit of anger.

Everyone goes through this. Cultivating a sense of guilt in oneself is a thankless task: after all, the mother no longer cares, and the orphaned person only becomes more upset, which can lead to health problems.

Improve your condition

Usually people find it difficult to say anything and are afraid of such a situation. In order to reassure a person who has experienced the death of a loved one, one must speak to him sincere, natural words. Fussing and trying to entertain him with conversation is strictly prohibited. Sometimes the mourner just wants to be silent, then it’s better to just sit next to him and hug him. Tactile contact is important in support and will greatly improve the bereaved person's condition. It happens that a person himself begins to talk a lot, talk about his pain, in this case you need not to disturb him and let him speak out fully. It is not recommended to say the following phrases: don’t cry, calm down, don’t be so depressed, everything will pass, you’ll get your life back together.

Tactile contact is important in support

It must be taken into account that when a person learns of a loss, at first it does not seem true to him. Therefore, some statements addressed to the deceased will be offensive and even insulting to him. They can also be perceived as betrayal. At this time, the mourner’s feelings are heightened and it is necessary to competently inform him about what is happening and what to do next.

The reaction to such a message may be hysteria, or in some cases deep calm. Such calmness is a normal reaction caused by shock; it is a kind of mental protection. It is also possible that stress will cause your hair to fall out. Later, the realization of what happened will come, which will be accompanied by a feeling of loss and tears, and this must be experienced. Over time, the pain will subside and good memories will remain.

How to come to terms with your mother's death and not become a hostage to memories

Mom died, the familiar world collapsed. In the case of living together, it is impossible to stay in the apartment where the mother recently walked. At night her steps can be heard, sometimes it seems that the mother is calling her orphaned child. The orphan constantly thinks about her, remembers everything, down to the smallest detail, starting from childhood. At some point, the realization comes that you can no longer live like this, but the memories haunt you.

The best way to get rid of obsessive thoughts is prayer. If a person is Orthodox, reading the Psalter about the repose of the deceased is mandatory. This is a huge spiritual help to mother’s soul and a distraction from her own, obsessive thoughts and memories.

A change of scenery will help you avoid becoming a hostage to memories. If you have the opportunity to leave the apartment where your mother lived, you should take it.

As for coming to terms with death, it will never come fully. The pain dulls over time, but does not go away completely. The most difficult period is the first year, when the pain is especially severe. Further - it’s easier, she begins to slowly retreat. This is comparable to a dying fire: even if there are only coals left, just one spark is enough for the fire to flare up again.

How to live if a loved one has died: advice from psychologists

When a mother passes away, it is very difficult for the orphaned person. Here's what psychologists say about this:

Be sure to speak out. Accumulating pain and remaining silent is the worst thing a person can do. What is left unspoken accumulates, resulting in an emotional explosion that, at best, can lead to a nervous breakdown. At worst, treatment in a psychiatric clinic.

Talking about what happened, within reasonable limits, allows you to cope with pain faster.

Release the deceased. After the death of his mother, the orphan is consumed by guilt. Much was left unsaid; mother was not given as much love and tenderness as she would have liked. Painful memories, self-flagellation, regular trips to the cemetery and watering the grave with tears begin. Only this does not make it any easier for anyone, the deceased has no need for such manifestations of feelings, and her child is depriving himself of moral and physical health.

Sometimes you just need to let go of a deceased loved one. Mentally thank him for all the good things that happened, and accept the fact of death, no matter how hard it is. Say to yourself mentally: “my mother died, but I continue to live on.” For her memory." Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting and not worrying, you just shouldn’t torture yourself.

For prolonged depression (more than six months), you need to consult a psychologist for help. People cannot always cope with grief on their own; they should not be embarrassed to ask for help. The longer this is delayed, the worse it is for the grieving person.

No matter how it sounds, your own life does not end with the death of your mother. And it’s worth thinking about how your son or daughter will live it: savoring their grief or enjoying every day.

Advice from psychologists

I can’t get over my mother’s death: what should I do? Not everyone finds the strength to overcome the pain of loss on their own . Advice from psychologists helps you cope with your worries and move on with your life.

Is it possible to survive the death of a child and how to do it? Find out about this from our article.

What to do?

Many adults find themselves in a complete stupor when they learn about the death of their mother.

Often close people and friends try to protect her children from deciding all organizational issues.

This position is wrong . At the moment of bereavement, it is activity that helps you not to dwell on your grief and to be distracted.

Therefore, initially you should load yourself with solving issues related to organizing the funeral. After this, you can deal with hereditary problems, disassembling things, etc. All this will help occupy your thoughts.

For some people, preserving the atmosphere that existed when their mother was alive helps them cope with pain. In her house or room, all things remain in their places.

Someone, on the contrary, decides to get rid of any reminders of the loss . This is not a manifestation of ingratitude, but only an attempt to reduce the significance of the loss.

How to cope with loss?

To accept the loss and come to terms with it, you need to understand the following points:

Each person's pain is unique , so you should not look for universal recipes for getting rid of suffering and listen to the advice of other people. You need to develop your own line of thinking and behavior that will bring tangible relief.
You should not expect that everything will change within a certain period of time. For some, the feelings subside after a month, for others after two years. It's important to give yourself as much time as you need.
There is no need to try to replace your mother with other people . Her place will forever remain empty and this is a fact that cannot be disputed. Children, spouse, friends will help you move on and find meaning for existence, but they will not replace your mother.
You should not be afraid for your state of mind if you periodically feel the presence of the deceased nearby. It may seem that her voice is heard, her silhouette is seen, her smell is felt. This is normal and will subside over time.
If you can’t cope on your own, you should find a good specialist. It will help you cope with this difficult stage of life and get out of depression.
You can't give up, no matter how bad it gets. Even the most severe pain goes away sooner or later.
The thought that life has no meaning is cowardice. It is the ability to withstand any difficult situation and find the strength to move on that demonstrates a person’s will. It is important not to forget about the sense of duty. There are almost always people or even animals worth living for.
Don't hold back your tears . Tears help to throw out accumulated emotions and get some relief. Both men and women at any age have every right to cry out their grief.
Need to believe . You don't have to be a religious person to believe in the existence of another world. None of us knows where people end up after death. Perhaps they really see us and protect us from all adversity. The death of a mother does not mean a loss of contact with her. This connection lasts forever.
You need to remember your responsibility to your mother . For any woman, the main meaning of life lies in her children. She dreams that they will always be healthy and happy. For the sake of my mother’s memory, it is important to learn to live again: to enjoy every day, to move towards my goals, to raise my children.

How to let go?

Usually, it is possible to let go of a person only after going through all the above stages of grief.

If the pain of loss still does not leave due to obsessive thoughts that haunt you, you can go to the cemetery and talk with the deceased. Often this helps free the soul from worries.

Psychologists also recommend writing letters to the deceased. In them you can not only remember the past, but also talk about your present. This will create the illusion of communication and help cope with the feeling of loss.

How to deal with feelings of guilt?

I blame myself for my mother’s death: what should I do?

Often people build a cause-and-effect relationship between an event that happened and their own actions or inactions.

For example, a mother dies while she is home alone.

The son blames himself for the rest of his life for the fact that he could have changed the situation if his mother had lived with him. This is an absolutely wrong position , since we cannot influence all the many factors that make up our destiny.

In addition to the factor of loneliness in the apartment, other aspects were also present in this situation: old age, heart problems, etc.

No one can foresee, calculate, predict, evaluate all those numerous nuances that ultimately lead to the death of a loved one.

The issue of death is within the purview of God. to change the fate destined for someone from above. Accordingly, there is no point in blaming yourself.

How to ask for forgiveness?

Often negative thoughts about the lack of attention to the mother during life, about the bad attitude towards her, about offensive words addressed to her do not allow one to live in peace . There is a desire to go back to the past and ask for forgiveness.

But this is impossible to do. But you can come to the grave and talk about everything that worries you. It wouldn’t hurt to go to church and talk to the priest.

Another way to ease the soul is to talk to the deceased before going to bed . Perhaps she will come in a dream and give a sign that all grievances have been forgotten.

Pay attention to your physical condition

Simple advice to those whose mother has died: listen to yourself. Instead of delving into suffering, it is better to think about your own health.

Some begin to drown their grief in alcohol, others refuse to eat, and others become addicted to energy drinks. A month of living like this is enough to significantly undermine your health.

First of all, you should refrain from drinking alcohol after the death of your mother. Mom passed away, but would she want her son or daughter to destroy themselves through the green snake? The answer is obvious, a mother did not give birth to her children so that they would drown their grief in wine.

Excessive consumption of energy drinks will lead to heart problems and sleep disturbances. The person becomes irritable, aggressive, and nightmares are possible. In rare cases, it comes to visual hallucinations. But does a healthy, perhaps married, person need it... Hardly.

The gym is a very good distraction from sad thoughts. If the orphan has never been there, now is the time to sign up for classes. A person will maintain not only physical, but also moral condition through exercise.

How to help someone cope with the death of their mother

Someone simply needs help, because a person cannot cope on his own with the death of such a close and dear person. And others do not want to see anyone, preferring to experience what happened alone.

A person who decides to support an orphan should know the following:

Willingness to listen is not an imposition. It is necessary to be close, but not try to force a person to have a frank conversation if he does not want it.
In moments of grief, people become very emotional. An orphaned person can be hurt by the most innocent word, to which he would not have paid attention before. You should be careful in your statements.

If a person whose mother has died becomes increasingly emotional, he should hint at a visit to a psychologist or a trip to church. This is done gently and tactfully, without pressing on the orphaned person. In theory this is easy to maintain, but in practice it is quite different. A person is not always willing and ready to accept support.

Analysis of the mourner's behavior

Grief is not a way of life, but a process. If it turns from ordinary grief into a complication, you should sound the alarm.

The four stages of normal, uncomplicated grief look like this:

The presence of dynamics of the human condition.
Periodic retreat from painful reality.
Six months after the death of the mother, the grieving person begins to show the first positive emotions.
The phase of acute grief is replaced by a return to a full life.

If six months pass and there is no dynamics, this indicates complicated grief. There is such an expression as “frozen in grief.” A person begins to think that he cannot be happy, thus he betrays the memory of his mother. It’s even worse if the orphan says that his life is over, stops caring about his appearance, and neglects his home. In this case, you need to seek professional help.

How to help a child?

Death for an adult is a difficult but understandable loss.

For a child, loss, especially of a mother, is the worst of all troubles , because the child does not yet fully understand everything that is happening and this makes him feel more terrible.

How to help your baby?

Psychologists believe that at such moments it is very important:

stay close to the child, supporting his emotional state,
listen to his wishes,
control his condition,
try to answer his questions reliably,
share with him impressions about what is happening in an acceptable, accessible form for the baby,
be tolerant of pranks and open to feelings.

Afterwards the pain will dull a little.

Important! It is necessary to preserve his memories of his mother - collect her photographs and favorite things, often talk about her habits and desires, go to her favorite places.

Priesthood Councils

People are afraid of death, both their own and those of loved ones. They involuntarily think about what awaits at the end of life’s journey, how to help a deceased relative. And after my mother passes away, her fate after death is even more frightening.

The priests say that you need to pray for your dead mother. On the first night after death, the orphaned person must read the entire Psalter. For forty days it is obligatory to read the Psalter daily.

Prayer is real help, but people put pagan customs (a glass of vodka and a piece of bread, curtaining mirrors) on a par with Orthodoxy. There is no need to do this; you can help your deceased mother like this:

Up to forty days, submit customized notes of repose daily.
Order Sorokoust, the more the better.
Regularly order memorial services in the church.
Pray for the repose of the soul at home.
Give alms.

Of course, this is not only done within forty days. Commemoration is also obligatory; it is a huge help to the soul of the deceased.

When death occurs from old age, it’s one thing. It is completely different if the mother dies due to a long illness, for example, cancer.

The Orthodox say: “cancer goes to Heaven just like that.” It is believed that a person suffering from cancer endures incredible suffering on earth. And then, after death, he goes to Paradise, having been cleansed by his suffering from the torments of hell.

It's difficult to talk about how to cope with the death of your mother. Everyone experiences it differently, but you can’t plunge headlong into grief. Prayer is salvation for the soul of the deceased, and for the mourner who has lost his mother.

Nature arranges it in such a way that one generation replaces another - everyone is destined to survive the death of their parents. Not everyone can cope with this stress on their own, so a psychologist’s advice on how to cope with the death of a mother will be useful to everyone who is faced with the bitterness of loss.

About personal...

I was so busy building a career and finding my own personal happiness that I never thought about the fact that I could lose my mother. It seemed to me that my mother was eternal... But life brought me back to the harsh reality: my mother has not been with me for four years. She died of cancer. And even all three years while we were fighting her illness, I couldn’t wrap my head around how the person closest to me could just disappear somewhere...
Of course, it seemed to me that I was ready for this loss. I saw her terrible torment in the last days of her life and even mentally tried to let her go, because I read somewhere that at such moments it is better not to hold loved ones with your emotional love and give them the opportunity to go to another world with a calm soul. I understood that separation was inevitable, but when that very day came, it was a shock for me.

Yulia Rubleva, psychologist, about how things are with the experience of grief in our society:

“I hear the same thing from clients all the time - “I was forbidden to cry.” They tell me how “Dad died, but I didn’t cry.” Why? “I had to hold on and support my mother.” All these stories have the same consequences: as a rule, it is depression of varying degrees of severity and a lack of resources for the present, since they, like treasures in a chest, are buried in the past. In our culture, valor is not noticing very strong feelings. Undoubtedly, this is due to the country's wild, violent history in the last century. But now is peacetime, and the survival strategies are still the same, military ones. It is customary to experience the death of loved ones courageously, calm faces at funerals are considered correct, crying is shameful, and howling out loud (which is the most healing and correct thing for a loss of such magnitude) is impossible.”

I found out that I was actually in grief 1.5 years later. I got into a hot air balloon accident, survived, and when they brought me, lying down, home to Moscow, I needed the help of a psychotherapist - I could not sleep, all the time “remembering with my body” the moment I hit the ground.

When we dealt with post-traumatic syndrome, question number two arose. I said: “I don’t have a bright memory of my mother, I want to correct this situation.”

After that session, I started crying and cried for many hours every day for a week. Dad was surprised: they turned to a psychologist for help to make things easier, but his daughter was hysterical.

Then it seemed that what was hidden under drugs, alcohol, phenazepam, adrenaline, sex and the “celebration of life” sobbingly came out of me.

Yulia Rubleva, psychologist:

“The most important thing, the most difficult thing is to admit that you need time and a break. That you fell, but you can’t get up. That it hurts you so much that you can no longer pretend that nothing is happening. And here it is important and necessary to allow yourself not to be a good fellow, not to hold on. You need to allow yourself to cry. Lie with your nose to the wall. Hit your fist on the table.

To say “I’m alive, I devoted years to his illness, and now I want to live.”

Saying “I’m angry that you died and left us alone.”

Say “I miss you so much, I miss you so much, I’m crying for you”.

Where do problems with clear memory come from and what are “bad and good mothers”?

My mother drank - it was such a semi-bohemian lifestyle that led to illness, addiction - this topic also worries me very much, and I am preparing material on it.

The scale of the addiction became clear only when, after 40 days, I came to sort out her things, and empty vodka bottles fell from the closet and from the blouses onto the floor.

A year before her death, she was diagnosed with liver disease and was banned from everything. She didn't last long and told her beloved man that she didn't want to live with such restrictions. And eventually she reached the stage when, when I came to visit her, I saw her in delirium tremens.

My most beautiful, gentle, smartest, most talented mother.

Children should not see their mothers in this state.

To realize and accept that it was her choice, her fate, her illness, and that you are not to blame for anything, and she is also not to blame for anything, it almost happened only now, at my 42 years old.

And then, all my life, I had complaints and resentments towards her, and a lack of answers to a sea of children’s, women’s, and various questions, and accusations, and a feeling of guilt - for the fact that all this comes out, and not a bright memory.

Because after my uncle, my mother’s younger brother, also died, my grandparents and their parents, who lost both children, became very bad. And no one was particularly interested in how I felt there. I had to stop being a granddaughter, change roles with them, and day after day, for five years, carry their black hole with me.

Thank you for your support, dad, but my resource then ran out, and then, after they left, I recovered – physically and mentally – for another five years.

By the way, a feeling of relief when loved ones pass away, who had a difficult time leaving or with whom it was difficult during life - this also happens and is also normal. Another feeling that simply exists, and you don’t need to forbid yourself and scold yourself for being “callous.”

We are living people, and we contain the whole spectrum of emotions.

And I don’t go to funerals anymore - there were 10 of them in 12 years, two of which I arranged myself. Since then I say goodbye to people mentally, but I don’t want and can’t be close to death.

How to survive the death of your mother: advice from a psychologist

The moment came when I felt that I didn’t know how to survive the death of my mother; I needed the advice of a psychologist like air.
For many, this awareness of the need for outside help does not occur immediately, but after a certain time. For me, this stage came after six months of melancholy. It would seem that it was time to come to terms, but for some reason it only became harder for me, and I began to collect information that would help me get out of depression:

1. Don't be alone with your grief. Even if you want to lock yourself at home and cry, look for someone with whom you can have a heart-to-heart talk. You are going through a difficult emotional period and it is normal to seek support from others. It may be awkward for the other person to continue the conversation for fear of causing you additional suffering. Don't ask for active dialogue. Your task is to speak out, share your feelings of longing and memories. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you feel that you need the help of a professional psychologist.

2. Don't try to rush the grieving process. Don't rush to get your life back on track, give yourself enough time to accept the situation. Don't compare yourself or listen to others compare how long it took someone else to mourn. Each situation and each person is individual: some can smile after a week, others remain in apathy for years.

3. Keep the memory of your deceased mother alive. Yes, she is not around, but she will remain in your heart. Record fond memories of her, treasure her favorite little things, learn to bake a pie using her signature recipe. Collect stories related to her from her friends and acquaintances. This will help replace the pain of loss with a feeling of light sadness and establish a connection with your mother on a new level.

4. Take care of your physical well-being. Grief is very exhausting and leaves an imprint on your health. Allocate 7-8 hours of sleep, eat normally, and at least occasionally engage in physically active activities.

5. Analyze which moments without your mother hurt you the most. Perhaps you always went shopping together before. Or on Sundays we went to the cinema. Or every evening we had a tea party with our favorite cookies. Make a similar list and try to avoid such situations alone - invite friends, call relatives. Fill the void with communication!

6. Change your usual schedule of activities and hobbies. If you used to meet with your mom on weekends, sign up for yoga classes at this time. Find a new hobby, meet interesting people, visit unusual places in the city.

7. Remember that your mother did not want to hurt you by leaving. Imagine what emotions she would experience looking at her child’s happiness! Live life to the fullest as if it were watching you from above!

There is nothing new or unusual in the advice of a psychologist on how to survive the death of a mother. But it happens that it is a recommendation, opinion or hint received from the outside that opens up the path of mental healing for you, forces you to re-analyze the situation and your condition and find the strength to live on.