In the modern world, the cult of physical and psychological perfection prevails. The basis is strength, energy, material well-being and success. In an effort to meet society's expectations, people are forced to hide their experiences and problems. This leads to a feeling of inadequacy, deprivation of necessary support and limited communication.
Loneliness is a reason to figure out what doesn’t suit you in the people around you, and those around you - in you. Instead of falling into depression, it is better to consult a psychologist or psychotherapist and solve the problem.
Loneliness in psychology is considered a factor that has a destructive effect on a person’s emotional state. Often this forced state becomes the cause of depression.
Depression, according to ICD-10, is a mood disorder. It is considered a disease if the following symptoms are present for two or more weeks:
- depressed mood;
- loss of interest in favorite work, hobbies;
- pessimistic ideas about the future;
- lack of desire to communicate, refusal of social interaction;
- destructive thoughts regarding personal achievements and appearance;
- sleep and appetite disorders.
It is possible to get rid of depression due to a lack of personal life, but for this it is recommended to seek advice from a psychotherapist. The longer a person is alone with negative thoughts and feelings, the more severe the symptoms of the disorder will be.
Experience of loneliness
Loneliness is experienced very painfully. This is a feeling that we want to escape from, and we do this by being distracted by something. We are helped by watching TV shows and movies, computer, mobile phone, travel, alcohol, work. All this helps to get rid of the unpleasant feeling. Because in solitude we experience that we are again thrown back to ourselves. In solitude I have only myself. I'm abandoned. There's no one around. I don't have a relationship, I don't have anyone I can talk to. Loneliness is the experience of not being in a relationship. This feeling can be especially acute in longing for something. If you love someone, you feel sad at being separated from them. I miss my loved one, I feel connected to him, but I cannot see him. My heart is with him, and without him or her, my heart is lost to a certain extent.
A similar feeling can be experienced during nostalgia, when we yearn for our native places. I experienced a very strong homesickness when, as a child of 11-12 years old, I was in a boarding school. It was warm and pleasant at home, I had relationships there, I had friends there, and I was at a boarding school far from home. I was away from home for a whole month. I felt like I was in a foreign world. The world was cold and I felt lost. All this time I was thinking what was happening at home, what my relatives were doing: now they got up, now they are having dinner, now the family has gathered at the table. And I was constantly in pain because I was separated from the part of life where I usually experienced warmth, where I had a feeling that I was part of this world. I felt incredibly lonely.
We can feel lonely at work if we are confronted with some demands, if there are some projects that we have not yet matured into. Where we feel insecure about them, and if no one supports us. Then we feel alone. If I know that everything depends on me alone, fear may arise that will accompany loneliness. This is the fear that I will turn out to be a weakling, that I will feel guilty because I cannot cope.
It's even worse if bullying occurs at work. Then I will feel that I am at the mercy of this, that I am on the edge of society and that I am no longer part of it.
Loneliness is a very big topic in old age, in old age. And in childhood. Children who are not met, children who are left alone when their parents are busy with something else, can feel helpless in their loneliness. Loneliness traumatizes children because alone they are not able to develop their self. They stop developing. A distortion occurs in the development of a child if he experiences long moments of loneliness. On the other hand, it is not so bad if the child spends a couple of hours alone, since this is an impetus for his development. This is exactly what reality is.
In old age, loneliness is no longer a traumatic factor and does not hinder development - but it does load. It can cause depression, paranoid feelings, sleep disorders, psychosomatic complaints and pseudodementia. It happens that pseudodementia is a person’s silence from loneliness. He used to have a family, he worked for decades, was among people, and now he sits at home alone. One of my patients, aged 85, was sitting at home alone. Being her doctor, so that she would not be completely lonely, I bought her a canary. She had a living creature. This canary helped her live a couple of years longer. She talked to her every day.
For most older people, TV serves as a “comforter”. But TV is communication directed only in one direction. And yet man, at least, hears human voices. And in any case he can say something to himself, even if no one will hear. I think this is not a bad form of overcoming loneliness, creating some kind of bridge, because it relieves the severity of loneliness. But, of course, this is an ersatz, a replacement. In old age, loneliness can be very depressing. Especially if he has lost the ability to see or hear. Can I imagine having to live in this state for a couple of years? When the only thing that will accompany me is back pain or digestive disorders. We can imagine how helpless we are in such situations. And here the question of the value of life really arises.
Do I know loneliness? If we ask ourselves: When was the last time I felt lonely? Is loneliness somehow present in my life? Maybe it is hidden behind some kind of businesslike everyday life? If I'm honest, I can probably detect it. Or I may discover that there were times when I was lonely. Maybe I haven’t known this feeling for a long time? Maybe it's alien to me? Or the other pole: maybe I really suffer acutely from loneliness? And it suppresses me so much that all the joy about life has simply disappeared that the question arises about the meaning of life.
When symptoms cannot be explained
Jesse inherited his uncle's fear of never waking up. Gretchen, on the other hand, carried a family history of the Holocaust into her depression. Within each of them lay fragments of traumatic events so pervasive that they could not be overcome in a single generation.
When someone in our family has experienced an unbearable traumatic event or experienced tremendous guilt or grief, the feelings can be overwhelming, beyond the person's ability to cope or overcome the situation.
It is human nature that when pain is too strong, we try to avoid it. However, when we block our feelings, we unknowingly inhibit the necessary healing process that would lead to a natural processing of the situation.
Sometimes pain lurks until it finds a way for expression or release. This manifestation of pain can be detected in subsequent generations, appearing in the form of symptoms that cannot be explained.
Not all of us have such dramatic traumatic episodes in our family history. However, events such as the death of a parent, the removal of a child from the family, the loss of a home, or even the deprivation of a mother's attention can have the effect of falling walls. We lose our support, and this cuts off the flow of love in the family. Long-standing family patterns are broken when we bring the source of trauma to light.
Loneliness among people
I can experience loneliness not only if I have no relationships with people. I can feel lonely during a holiday, at a party, even at my own birthday, at school, at work, in my family. Sometimes people are nearby, but something is missing. There is no meeting, there is no intimacy, there is no exchange with the other person. We are having superficial conversations, but I have a need to really talk to a person. We talk about skiing, about cars, but we don't talk about me and you.
In many families, we talk only about some matters, who should buy what, who should cook the food, but they are silent about our relationships, about what we care about. Then I feel lonely and in the family.
If no one sees me in the family, especially if we are talking about a child, then I am lonely. It’s even worse - I’m abandoned, because there are people around, but they are not interested in me, they don’t look me in the eyes. They only look at whether I do well in school and that I don't do anything bad. And this is how I was raised. I'm growing up alone.
The same thing happens in partnerships: we have been together for 20 years, but at the same time we feel lonely. The sexual relationship is functioning, but am I in the relationship? For the other person, is it about me - or only about himself? Or just about satisfying some needs? If we don't take the time to talk to each other like we did when we were in love, then we become lonely even in good relationships.
In every relationship there are times when loneliness is felt as the relationship moves more along a curve, going through ups and downs. We cannot be constantly ready to communicate with another, be constantly open to another person. We are immersed in ourselves, busy with our problems, feelings, and we have no time for anything else. But it could happen just when he needs it most. At this moment I am not there for the other, and the other feels lonely, maybe even abandoned in trouble. Such situations occur in any relationship. But it doesn't harm the relationship if we can talk about our different states later. And then we find each other again. But sometimes these moments remain wounds that we receive in the course of our lives.
We can experience loneliness not only when we are not in a relationship, but even when we are surrounded by people. And at the same time, we may not feel lonely when no one is around.
To understand loneliness, let's try to look at a person more deeply. Then we can understand why loneliness manifests itself in so many different ways.
Literature on the topic
In parting, I recommend reading the book:
- Jean-Michel Quinaudeau "Taming Loneliness."
- K. Grof and S. Grof “Frantic search for yourself: A guide to personal growth through the crisis of transformation.”
- L. Svendsen “Philosophy of Loneliness.” This book will help you not only understand the phenomenon of loneliness, but also find the boundaries between your Self and other people, teach you to understand yourself and others, take responsibility for your life (including loneliness), and explain the subtle patterns of loneliness and friendship, love , trust.
If you experience cognitive dissonance (internal mismatch, contradiction), and you probably do, then I recommend reading the article “Cognitive dissonance - what it is in simple words.” Some recommendations are also given there. To analyze the issues of fear and anxiety, jealousy, insecurity, I suggest reading the articles “How to get rid of anxiety - advice from a psychologist”, “How to get rid of fear - advice from a psychologist”, “How to get rid of jealousy - advice from a psychologist”, “How to become self-confident - advice from a psychologist."
Be a unique, self-sufficient, constantly developing personality, and then none of the possible loneliness will overtake you. Remember that you have many alternative choices. And this is wonderful, not scary!
Reasons for loneliness
Man is a creature that is, as it were, placed in the world. The main idea of existential philosophy is that it is impossible to be human without correlation with the world. To be human means fundamentally to be in the world, to be in connection with something or someone else. Without connecting with otherness, it is impossible to be human.
Heidegger defined “being here” (existence) in precisely this way. Heidegger often used the word Dasein instead of the concept Person to show that I cannot be if I am not connected with You or with This. To be here is to be at peace. In the world of my family, in the world of my city, in the world of my ideas and ideas. That is, being human is a fundamental relatedness. If something in this correlation is not functioning, then we experience a lack of something and may feel lonely.
But this connection is twofold. Martin Buber spoke about the “I-Thou” and “I-It” relationships: I relate to another person, just like me, and this is a personal relationship, or I relate to some thing, some business ( for example, “I’m driving a car”). That is, relationships have an external pole, but they also have an internal pole. I also need to deal with myself, I need not just BE in this world, but I must also be ME. We have a correlation outside and a correlation with ourselves. This idea can help you understand three reasons why loneliness occurs.
Firstly, loneliness is a violation, a disorder of relationships. When we are alone, we worry that there is either no relationship or that it is not developing correctly. A relationship with a person means: I am connected with this person through my feelings, I would like to experience the person in my feelings. I would like to be able to feel what motivates him and what he feels.
Let's think about the relationship with your child. I would like to feel how a child experiences and lives his life. I would like to participate in this, I would like to be close to him - because through closeness I develop a feeling about my child and his life.
Relationships are more than just relatedness in terms of feelings. Relationships always have a beginning, but relationships have no end. Relationships last forever. And it can be assumed that since I always remain connected to the person with whom I have or had a relationship, I can never be lonely. All the relationships that I had with other people were preserved in me. If I meet my ex-girlfriend after 20 years on the street, then my heart begins to beat faster - because there was something, and it still continues to be in me. Everything that happens in a relationship is preserved. And I can live by this. If I experienced something good with some person, then this is a source of happiness in my subsequent life. I can think about my mother, my father, with whom I had a good relationship, and feel a warm feeling.
However, if the relationship is bad, then I don’t want to remember them, I don’t want to go back to the past. Then I wish it weren't true. Then I lose contact with it. There seems to be a relationship, but it hurts me - and I turn away. And if I turn away, then the relationship no longer lives at that moment. Therefore, it may be that I will feel lonely, although I am or have been in a relationship.
There's another reason why relationships can make you feel lonely. What we have described so far is the outer pole of the relationship. But there are relationships directed inward—relationships with oneself. If I don’t feel myself, if I don’t have feelings, if they are muted, then I’m alone with myself. If I don’t feel my body, my breathing, my mood, my well-being, my fatigue, my joy, my pain - if I don’t feel all this, then I’m not in a relationship with myself. Then I am missing a fundamental, basic part of life.
This can happen if I have had an experience that caused pain - then I don’t want to turn on myself. If I have been offended, disappointed, deceived, if I have been ridiculed, then I feel pain if I turn towards myself. And it is a natural human reflex to turn away from what causes pain and suffering. We described this in terms of external relationships, but also in internal relationships I can withdraw from myself. And then I no longer feel myself, I am no longer in a relationship with myself. It can take me so far that I won't feel my body. I will feel my feelings to such a small extent that I will develop psychosomatic disorders. They always indicate that you are not feeling something very important. This is a signal: you don’t have to continue living like this, feel what hurts you so that you can process it. So that you can be sad, so that you can forgive - otherwise you will not be free. Migraines, stomach ulcers, asthma and other disorders tell me: don't continue like this. There is something very important that you must do first.
If I lose my relationship with myself, then I will no longer be able to feel myself. Or even worse - I can’t live a relationship with you either.
I cannot truly experience a relationship with another if I am not capable of resonance, if no movement arises in me, because the feelings are too wounded. Or because I never really had them. If my mother never held me in her arms, if my father did not have time for me, if I had no real friends, then I have a “dull” world of feelings - a world that has not been able to develop. Then my feelings are poor and then I am constantly alone. Because I don't feel very good (or not at all). Therefore, in relation to another person, my feelings are also flat. This is the second level of relationships that leads to loneliness.
But there is also a third level, which is above the level of relationships and which is also causally related to loneliness. This is the meeting level. This level is connected with the fact that I am I in a relationship. If in a relationship we can experience being together and feel the closeness of another person, then thanks to the I another aspect is introduced that “explodes” this pleasant being together: with all our connectedness and mutual striving towards, we realize that I am I, You are You, but I am not You. That difference that cannot be eliminated. It is eliminated, for example, in a symbiotic relationship, when I myself dissolve in you. But if I am I, then there is a boundary between us. Then I worry that, in principle, I am responsible only for myself, I am left alone with myself.
There is no second Alfried Langle in this world. Each of us is one and only. The way I am is unique and unique nowhere else. And this is the basis that can potentially make us alone in this world.
Where does the reluctance to live come from?
Gretchen had just such a case.
She took antidepressants for many years and attended group and personal psychotherapy sessions, but the symptoms of depression and anxiety did not go away. Gretchen told me she didn't want to live anymore. She was taken to a psychiatric clinic several times. There she was diagnosed with bipolar and severe anxiety disorder. The medications brought her some relief, but did not quell the powerful suicidal urge that lived within her.
Gretchen said her depression and anxiety prevented her from getting married and having children. In a firm voice, she categorically told me that before her next birthday she would commit suicide.
Listening to Gretchen, I became convinced that there was some very important traumatic episode in the history of her family. In such cases, I pay special attention to the words that the person speaks, trying to find clues to the traumatic event underlying the symptomatology.
When I asked her exactly how she intended to kill herself, Gretchen said that she would “evaporate” herself. “My body will be incinerated in seconds,” she said.
Because I have worked with many children and grandchildren of Holocaust survivors, I have learned to pay attention to such words. I asked if anyone in her family had Jewish roots or survived the Holocaust. Gretchen said no at first, but then she paused and remembered a story about her grandmother.
Grandmother was born into a Jewish family in Poland. Her entire family died in the ovens of Auschwitz. They were gassed - enveloped in deadly smoke - and incinerated. No one in Gretchen's immediate family circle ever spoke to her grandmother about the war or the fate of her siblings or parents. As often happens in such acute traumatic cases, they tried not to touch upon this topic at all.
Gretchen only knew the general facts of her family history, but never connected them to her anxiety and depression. It was clear to me that the words she uttered and the feelings she described did not originate within herself, but were the words and feelings of the dead members of her family.
