Feeling fear is a normal human condition. But when fear becomes pathological, constantly haunts and interferes with normal life, doctors talk about the development of a phobia. You can even be afraid of loneliness, and this problem, unfortunately, is increasingly common in the modern world.
Why is there a fear of loneliness? How do you know if you are susceptible to this condition? And most importantly, how to deal with it? Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Nikolai Chadayev these questions to the FAN .
Photo from the personal archive of Nikolai Chadayev /
What is the fear of loneliness called?
In medicine, this condition is considered a mental disorder and is defined by the term autophobia. If translated literally, the term is interpreted as “fear of oneself.” In fact, a person is afraid, of course, not of himself, but of being left alone with himself. Loneliness gives him severe discomfort and causes anxiety.
“The causes of autophobia lie in childhood,” comments clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Nikolai Chadayev. “It occurs against the background of psychological trauma, most often more than one. It appears in people whose parents left them alone for a long time or abandoned them in childhood. And already in adulthood, a person’s trigger goes off when he finds himself in a similar situation. For example, someone close to you leaves, and this reminds you of the past, the stress you experienced. As a result, fear “turns on.”
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What claustrophobes say
People suffering from this pathology depend heavily on it, so they build their entire lives taking it into account. This state of affairs puts pressure on the psyche no less than the phobia itself, leading to breakdowns.
Tatyana, 27 years old : Wherever I enter, I always look around, looking for escape routes. Having found them, I make sure that they are free. If the door is closed, I start to get nervous, shortness of breath appears, and my heart beats like a hunted hare.
Andrey, 35 years old : I always walk up the stairs, I never use the elevator, no matter how high I have to climb. I reassure myself that this is useful! I also can’t go down the metro, and due to the use of exclusively ground routes, I’m often late.
Olga, 40 years old : Despite my age, I can’t stay alone at home or on the street, because I’m afraid of losing consciousness. One of my relatives always has to be with me, and my husband accompanies me to and from work.
Mikhail, 28 years old: I don’t use a personal car during rush hours because of traffic jams.
Larisa Ivanovna, 52 years old : I have had claustrophobia since childhood, but over the years it has become worse. In addition to the fear of being alone in a closed room and an elevator, there was added the fear of the subway, plane, vehicles, crowds, tight clothes, that I would not be able to take off a bracelet or ring, etc. I’m so afraid of being alone in my own apartment that in a panic attack I can run out into the street at any time of the day. But the worst thing is that if before I could somehow control such fear, now I can’t.
Claustrophobia cannot be triggered. Of course, there are times when it goes away on its own. Some individuals get rid of it on their own, but it is still wiser to turn to specialists.
At-risk groups
According to the specialist, people of any age who have previously suffered psychological trauma or serious stress are susceptible to fear of loneliness. But most often women are susceptible to it due to mental characteristics and genetic factors. Deep in the subconscious of every woman is the need to create a family and have children. This need is formed evolutionarily. And even if a woman denies it, deep down she may feel dissatisfied with her life and worry that sooner or later she will be completely alone. If the search for a life partner does not work out or a situation arises when the spouse leaves for another woman, autophobia may appear against the background of previously experienced stress.
Another risk group is older people, whose social circle is usually limited due to age or health status. And if children or loved ones pay less attention to the elderly than they would like, this can also trigger the onset of a phobia. Especially older people are afraid of being left without communication and moral support. They are afraid of not getting medical help at a difficult moment, and this all leaves a serious imprint on their psycho-emotional state.
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Ways to stop being afraid of loneliness
In this case, the source of fear is not in loneliness itself, as in the prospect of being left without a partner, but in the fear of being alone with oneself. How much confidence, motivation and vitality lies within the woman herself?
The fear of being left alone, alone with your experiences and failures, forces you to look for a partner who will take on the role of a protector, a deliverer from difficulties and all sorts of troubles. However, to implement this scenario, constant difficulties and incidents are necessary, but this obviously leads to failure.
Identifying your own fears and experiences can also push you towards a positive outcome of events, namely the desire to set a goal and work through all your fears. For example, if a girl is afraid of being left alone and without financial support, she should direct her efforts to obtain a new profession that generates income. If a young woman is generally dissatisfied with herself and is afraid of being left alone because no one will be able to please her, this is a good reason to work through all her internal fears and complexes and spend her energy fighting them.
A love union will never be happy if the starting point for its creation was the fear of being lonely.
This is similar to the panic of a drowning man who grabs everything in sight and waves his arms, but his actions do not bring a positive effect.
What needs to be done to make the fear of loneliness go away? The answer is simple - nothing. Allow your fear to exist, don't try to pretend it doesn't exist. Awareness of the problem is the first successful step towards solving it.
Ask yourself:
- Am I comfortable staying in this state for a long time?
- What benefits does fear bring me?
- What do my fears say?
- Do I want to work on myself so that my fears leave me? Or am I happy with everything that’s happening? The more honest the answers, the more effective the work on yourself will be.
Don't try to find salvation in others, it is in you.
Rest assured, when you strengthen your strong-willed qualities and work on your weak character traits, changes in your attitude and even in your appearance will not take long to arrive. The desire to be afraid and feel sorry for yourself will no longer arise. Continuing self-development, you will move in the right direction, and there is no doubt that on your way you will meet an equally confident and harmoniously developed partner.
Symptoms of autophobia
“The main symptom is an uncomfortable state when a person is alone,” comments Nikolai Chadayev. - He may experience restlessness, anxiety, and headaches. As a rule, people try to fill the vacuum that has formed around them with some kind of activity. But it doesn’t save, and the feeling of deep loneliness does not go away.”
Typically, these symptoms are sufficient to diagnose a mental disorder. There are also tests for autophobia, but there is no need to resort to them if a person feels these emotions while alone.
Signs of the development of the disease in loved ones will be the characteristics of their behavior. If, while seeing you off, a relative or friend asks you to sit a little longer, stay “a little longer,” asks when you will come next time, or complains that you are paying too little attention, there is every reason to suspect the development of autophobia.
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Change the picture
Thought writing and chanting techniques can help you if your fears are expressed in words. But what if the obsessive fear is a picture in your head? In this case, you need to modify this picture, or replace it in another way. For example, if you imagine a doctor telling you a diagnosis, imagine that you and the doctor are having a pleasant conversation. If you imagine yourself dying, imagine yourself at age 101, smiling, rocking in a rocking chair, surrounded by family. If you imagine not having children, imagine sitting with your child on your lap and stroking his hair.
Or close your eyes and imagine that your fear has taken physical form. Make it a cloud right in front of you. Watch the cloud begin to float away. Imagine that the farther the cloud floats away, the less obsessive fear you have, and the more comfortable you feel. Choose images that evoke pleasant emotions in you and allow you to relax, so they can displace your fears and anxiety. Another useful approach is to play the image that frightens you again, but change what frightens you to grotesque humor, like in cartoons.
Once you have been able to reduce your anxiety through writing, singing, and imagery, or other changes, turn your attention to other aspects of your life. If you don't, your mind may immediately return to your fears. So try to switch to some other activities as soon as possible.
These techniques can only be beneficial over time. Some obsessive fears seem so strong that you won't be able to let them go right away. However, if you practice this approach consistently, you will be able to put your irrational worry into perspective.
Should you fight your fear of loneliness?
Any psychological discomfort can “transform” into a more serious mental disorder over time. And therefore, of course, it is necessary to fight the problem. In relation to autophobia, this is due to a number of reasons.
Firstly, a feeling of constant anxiety and loneliness can lead to depression, and against its background, suicidal tendencies often develop. Secondly, scientists have established a direct relationship between phobia and the development of neurodermatitis - chronic inflammation of the skin, which becomes not only an aesthetic problem, but also causes physical discomfort.
And finally, autophobia in a person destroys both his own life, makes it “purposeless”, deprives him of joy, and the life of loved ones, towards whom discontent and claims of inattention and indifference will constantly pour in.
How to deal with the fear of being alone at home
Therapy for autophobia can be based both on the use of antidepressants and psychostimulants, and on psychological influence. Vivid signs are removed with medication. Psychological influence helps to overcome fear itself. Experts advise patients:
- Learn to correctly perceive your loneliness. You don't need to do anything. The main thing is to understand that being alone is natural and normal.
- Get a pet that will make the patient needed by a cat, dog or other animal. You don't need to do anything special. Help your pet, and he will help you brighten up your loneliness.
- Spend more time for yourself and your loved ones.
Help yourself. If it is difficult to cope with fear on your own, you can always turn to a psychologist. Autophobia, with the right therapeutic approach, can be cured in a few sessions.
Treatment of autophobia
Fear of death and loneliness is treatable. There are various techniques that can bring relief to a person.
- Auto-trainings . Self-hypnosis techniques help improve well-being, gain self-confidence, and reduce the manifestations of fear. However, it is impossible to cure autophobia with auto-training alone.
- Psychotherapy . To treat the fear of loneliness, psychotherapeutic techniques are used, working with a psychotherapist in groups or individually. According to existing statistics, psychotherapy helps a person recover from autophobia, but recovery takes time. On average, psychotherapeutic treatment should last for two to three years.
- Taking antidepressants . Medicines are used as an aid in the treatment of mental disorders and should only be prescribed by a doctor. It is important to understand that they alone cannot cure the disease and will not help get rid of the cause of the disorder. The doctor can recommend them to improve the patient’s psycho-emotional background, normalize his reactions, and well-being. But they should only be used in combination with psychotherapy.
“With severe autophobia, thoughts of suicide, and deep depression, a person needs to see a psychotherapist,” notes clinical psychologist Nikolai Chadayev. — My original method helps to cope with a phobia much faster than traditional psychotherapeutic methods. An improvement in the condition is noted already in the fourth or fifth session.”
With a mild degree of disorder, a person can help himself. It is important to expand your social circle, find new acquaintances and hobbies. A person should have a hobby, thanks to which he can communicate with other people. This could be dancing, singing, handicrafts, drawing, interest clubs. Then the feeling of loneliness will arise much less often.
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You can help your loved ones in the same way: find something you like that will distract you from sad thoughts. And Nikolai Chadayev believes that the only way to prevent the fear of loneliness is the care of parents for their children. Since the cause of the disease is stress experienced in childhood, it is important for parents to pay as much attention to their children as possible, love them, communicate, try not to leave them alone and, of course, never abandon them. Strong parental love in childhood serves as the best protection against many psychological problems in adulthood, including autophobia.
Recommendations on how not to be left alone after divorce
- Life goes on
For many representatives of the fairer sex, the main goal in life is to create a family. This is expressed not just in the form of a stamp in a passport, but in a friendly, love-filled common home and created comfort. If there are disagreements in the family and things are heading towards divorce, this often seems like a complete collapse for the woman, she loses self-control and the will to live disappears. This is a fundamentally wrong position. Life doesn't end after divorce. A completely new period begins, and what it is like will depend entirely on the attitude towards it and the measures taken by the woman herself.
- Accept the situation
During and after a divorce, it is extremely important to maintain common sense and not let negative emotions get the better of you. Allow yourself to understand and accept the thought: if you are unhappy in your marriage, then a miracle most likely will not happen, and a breakup is the surest and best way out of the current situation.
- Don't go to extremes
To make the right decision, you should pause and weigh the pros and cons. Being alone for some time after a divorce is necessary in order to rethink what is happening and analyze your mistakes. You should not rush into the arms of the first person you meet, this is guaranteed to lead to repeated disappointments.
- Don't be afraid of gossip
Most likely, your divorce will provide food for discussion for gossip lovers. It is unlikely that you will be able to avoid this, so there is no point in fighting it. Be wiser, ignore and do not pay attention to the whisperings of ill-mannered people. Know one thing, that after talking about you enough, this incident will be forgotten forever and you will no longer be disturbed.
- Love yourself
Any woman going through a divorce is puzzled by what is happening. But in this situation, it is very important not to go too far and not to start reproaching yourself for everything that happened. Being negative, blaming and morally humiliating yourself is not the answer. Using these methods, you can earn depression and plunge into the muddy swamp of your fears and worries for a long time. Know that the outcome of any event depends solely on your attitude. Look at everything from a positive perspective - the glass is always half full.
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- Communicate
After a breakup, do not stay alone for a long time, do not protect yourself from communicating with friends and acquaintances, maintain contact with relatives, and share news with work colleagues. The more people you surround yourself with, the faster your moral recovery will take place after a divorce has occurred.
- Alone or lonely?
Not every marriage can be called happy. The feeling of being alone can also be present if you are in a couple. Ask yourself, are you familiar with the following conditions?
- you hardly talk;
- you have no common interests, the two of you are bored;
- you feel like a black hole of indifference is absorbing all your dreams and aspirations.
Think about what exactly you expect from marriage. Probably, printing in documents is not the main goal. Every woman would like to be loved and love in return. And this is a matter of human relations, not bureaucratic formalities. Therefore, it is necessary to understand the distinction between concepts such as “being alone” and “being lonely.”
- Take care of the children
If you have children, you will never be lonely. You can find entertainment and enjoy life with your children, surprise them and surprise yourself. Also communicate with other parents and do not refuse joint activities.
- Look for hobbies
Allow yourself to take a break from your worries and find something you love, get creative, find hobbies that will benefit you and lift your spirits. When you have an activity that brings you joy, people who share your interests will appear around you.
- Go on a trip
It is necessary to let go of the past and leave all the grievances in it. To do this, the situation must radically change. The best solution would be to travel. Get ready and go to a new city, or maybe to a country, switch all your emotions to exploring a new area. And then it will become easier for you to overcome the disappointment of an unhappy marriage.
- Look to the future with optimism
After a difficult divorce or separation, it is important not to plunge into depression, but to maintain positive thoughts and tune in to a new stage in your life. You should change your attitude towards your ex-marriage and realize all the mistakes you have made so that the negative experience does not happen again.
