Why does fear of intimacy arise, and how to get rid of intimate phobia?

• Causes
• Types of fear
• Self-correction methods
• Working with a psychologist
• Conclusion

Some people have a fear of intimacy. Any mention of sex is disgusting. Initially, the disease manifests itself as a fear of engaging in sexual relations for the first time. Another case is when a person experiences fear of sex life in general.

Genophobia - fear of intimacy

Fear of intimacy is otherwise called genophobia. This is an irrational disease that is recognized as a deviation from the norm. Unconscious fear of intimacy prevents a person from living fully and enjoying every day. Interferes with building normal relationships with members of the opposite sex. But a psychologist will help correct the situation.

Causes

Women fear intimate relationships much more often than men. This is due to the characteristics of upbringing. From the age of 12, girls are taught by their parents that sex is an immoral act. They are convinced that losing your virginity before the age of 18 is shameful. Old-fashioned parents argue that intimate relationships are possible only after marriage. They believe that a wife should be given to her husband pure and virgin.

If a girl grew up in a family without a father, and her mother constantly changed boyfriends, she will have the opinion that men only need sex from women. There will be a fear of being used by a young man, so in the future he will begin to avoid intimate contacts. She will form an association that sex is a path to unhappiness and loneliness. A girl or an adult woman will be afraid of an unwanted pregnancy.

Other reasons that influence the development of fear of intimacy:

1. Rape. After this, the person will experience disgust towards the opposite sex. Girls usually succumb to rape. After such a traumatic event, they will perceive all men as a potential threat.
2. Low self-esteem. It is the root cause of the development of an inferiority complex. A person is afraid of disgracing himself during first sexual intercourse. This is especially true for men. They worry that they won't get an erection or won't be able to satisfy their partner. As a result, they completely refuse sexual relations.
3. Fear of contracting sexually transmitted diseases (HIV, AIDS, syphilis). Some media propagate that any kind of sex leads to infection with incurable diseases. Patients worry that even contraceptives will not be able to prevent them.
4. Personal negative experience. The first unsuccessful intimacy, several painful sexual acts with inexperienced or too persistent partners influence the development of genophobia. Unpleasant sensations experienced during intimate intimacy force a person to avoid any sexual contact in the future. For men, negative experiences may be associated with criticism of the penis. Being still inexperienced, he does not know how to give pleasure to his partner, which is why he suffers a fiasco. But if a woman is wise, she will not make such a remark.

Another reason is poor sex education for young people. They have to learn about sex life on their own with the help of information on the Internet. On women's forums, the first sexual intercourse is described as painful and very unpleasant. After which the girls experience fear and try to delay the moment of first sex as long as possible.

Men are stopped by the fear of the unreliability of contraceptives and the rapid onset of the first orgasm. Worried that the first sexual intimacy will last no more than 5–10 minutes, they are afraid of embarrassing themselves in front of the girl and seeming incompetent.

Signs

Avoidance behavior takes different forms, sometimes the person himself does not understand that the observed reactions are the result of his fear. For example, a coitophobe experiences real headaches or pain during sexual intercourse. Referring to this, he refuses intimacy. Women mistake coitophobia for frigidity, and men for physical health problems.

Some individuals refer to asexuality or a special worldview in which sex has no value, causing disgust. They say that this is their conscious choice, a rejection of “human passions.” In this case, a person can live quite comfortably because he really believes in it and stops worrying. But, as we understand, he is unlikely to be able to start a family.

If someone tries to persuade a coitophobe to have sex, or a person tries to force himself, then he experiences somatic reactions:

• dry mouth;
• dizziness;
• headache;
• tremor of the limbs;
• chills;
• tachycardia and arrhythmia;
• pressure surges;
• shiver;
• chest pain;
• sweating;
• icing of extremities;
• feeling of suffocation;
• feeling of wobbly legs;
• confusion;
• problems with formulating thoughts;
• a feeling of unreality of what is happening;
• presyncope and fainting.

At this point, a panic attack may occur. Human reactions become unpredictable. Some scream and become aggressive. Others cry, try to run away or hide.

It is important! The patient cannot relax during sex or foreplay.

Types of fear

In psychology, there are 2 types of fear of intimacy – intimate and emotional. The first is usually formed in individuals with such qualities as sincerity, intimacy, sincerity, trust and personal depth.

Fear of intimacy takes two forms. The first is the complete absence of sexual relations. Formed for the following reasons:

1. Excessive shyness. Mention of sex makes people feel awkward. Outwardly, this is manifested by a shy smile, reddened cheeks and strange behavior.
2. Distortion of ideas about sex. The main sources of information are pornographic films, which do not always correctly depict the intimate process.
3. Physiological problems. It occurs when a person experiences unpleasant, painful sensations during the first and subsequent sexual intercourse.

Some people focus on the negative. Instead of enjoying intimacy, they think about their own shortcomings. As a result, sexual intercourse is truly unsuccessful.

Another form is short-term sexual relationships. Orientation towards open relationships, when partners are united only by sex. They also avoid communication on personal topics.

Emotional intimacy is the inability and unwillingness to build a trusting relationship with a partner. Such people prefer complete isolation. Incapable of taking responsibility for others and even for their own lives. Sexual emotions are felt like a drug, so partners often change. Deep relationships are scary, so people try to avoid them.

You're always pretending, it's different for each person

Is it possible that, deep down, you have no idea how to be yourself?

Are you so used to hiding parts of yourself that you don't accept that you end up molding yourself into a shell that you want other people to want?

It's called Marilyn Monroe syndrome. Everyone who knew her had their own interpretation of who the “real” Marilyn was. Girl next door, siren, very smart woman (really)…

But the only truth was that she was lonely, and she felt like no one really knew her.

And this is how this syndrome works in your case. If someone didn't like the image they wanted to see in you (and which you generously provide), how can you be offended?

You just laugh at them and say: “Well, you never knew the real me, anyway.”

Self-correction methods

The nature of the help depends on the cause of the phobia. If this is poor information, you should contact a qualified

For those who have low self-esteem, working on themselves is suitable. Remember in what situations you felt confident. Instead of self-criticism, a sexologist. Now there are many possibilities for this. You can contact the doctor using social networks and get a consultation online. Another option is to take a webinar on sexology, choosing a topic that interests you. Try to analyze your positive qualities and external attractiveness. You should not rely on model parameters. You need to be able to find the positives in yourself and present them correctly. A beautiful hairstyle, sexy lingerie and makeup help girls feel more confident. For men - stylish clothes, chosen to highlight their assets.

Other tips:

1. Try to get closer to your partner on a spiritual level before having sex if you are afraid of being used. Spend more time together. Experts advise practicing with exercises to test your level of trust. Remember, a loving person will not cause harm. And previously painful sex will turn into tender lovemaking.
2. Engage in sexual relations only when both intimate partners are ready for it. Before the first time, you should not abuse alcohol. Be sure to use contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancy.
3. Talk to your partner about sex. Do not remain silent about discomfort, but talk about it immediately in the process of intimate rapprochement. This will help the partner, especially the male one, take action and better understand the other half. Overcoming fear through joint efforts is a great solution.

If a woman develops coitophobia due to pain in the genital area, she should consult a gynecologist. He will help you find out the true cause of the discomfort and prescribe appropriate treatment.

A condom is essential for a safe relationship.

Working with a psychologist

Those who have developed a fear of intimacy as a result of violence should definitely consult a psychologist. Because these people will not be able to help themselves. But other patients with fear of intimacy also need to consult a psychotherapist.

He will prescribe cognitive behavioral therapy. It consists of 2 parts - individual lessons and homework.

During the first session, the client will need to answer the following requests:

• why am I afraid of sex;
• what will happen if I engage in intimate sexual relationships;
• why am I embarrassed about losing my virginity early;
• who said that you can only have sex after marriage;
• why I find it difficult to trust my partner;
• why any thoughts about sex make me disgusted;
• who said that the first sexual experience is always painful, etc.

Talking about this will help the doctor understand the patient’s negative attitudes. His task is to change the client’s type of thinking and behavior pattern. Explain that sex is an integral part of relationships between adults and there is nothing shameful about it.

Homework may include:

• reading professional literature about sex, sexology;
• checking the level of trust in a partner using special exercises;
• visiting museums of erotica and sex;
• listening to lectures in the field of sexology and relationship psychology;
• studying the Kama Sutra and other encyclopedias about sex, etc.

Hypnosis techniques will help girls who have experienced rape overcome genophobia. Since it is very problematic for such patients to change negative attitudes. This will allow you to get rid of the traumatic past and set yourself up for a happy future.

In the process of a hypnotic trance, the doctor relieves a person of destructive qualities: resentment, self-criticism, guilt, and lack of self-acceptance. Helps to gain a feeling of freedom, independence, lightness and security. As a result, the patient ceases to be afraid of intimacy and learns to appreciate every lovemaking session with a partner. He will begin to perceive sex not as a painful injury, but as a way to get pleasure.

Diagnosis and treatment of sexual disorders

Before the advent of drugs like Viagra, Levitra and others, such disorders were treated exclusively with sexual therapy. At the very beginning, various sexual dysfunctions were tried to be treated with the help of psychoanalysis. Very quickly, the physiologist Ivan Pavlov, and then the psychologist Burres Frederick Skinner, developed a behavioral theory, which in the 60s, thanks to William Masters and Virginia Johnson, developed into a very coherent therapy for the treatment of sexual disorders. Thanks to this therapy, many sexual disorders in men began to be treated very effectively and quickly.

Psychotherapy is usually prescribed as a treatment for sexual behavior disorders in men.

Until Viagra appeared, there were no effective drug treatment options, only behavioral therapy, sometimes combined with cognitive techniques. Medications were occasionally added to treatment, prescribed by psychiatrists to reduce stress and anxiety. As soon as drugs such as Viagra and Cialis appeared, they helped solve the problem of the second stage of sexual behavior, but still did not solve the problem of the first stage - lack of urge or sexual desire.