GBPOU Meleuzovsky Multidisciplinary Professional College

Self-esteem is a person’s idea of ​​himself, his qualities and capabilities. And despite the fact that one of the roots of this word is “self,” self-esteem is not formed independently, but on the basis of feedback from other people.

“The processes of self-identification, respect and self-esteem are not given to a person in absolute terms. This is always initially some reflection of it in the mirror of perception by others” (Semenovich A.V., Talents of the Children's Brain., 2016).

Let's figure out how teenagers' self-esteem is formed and how parents can help in this matter.

What is self-esteem?

Children look at the world, including themselves, through their parents' eyes. "Who am I? what am I? These questions interest any child, especially a teenager. He learns about this from other people. But what matters most to him is the opinion of the most important people in the world about himself: his parents. The child’s self-image and self-esteem are formed from the opinions, expectations, and attitudes of the parents. And sooner or later the child begins to see himself as others see him.

Numerous studies have confirmed that adequate self-esteem allows a person to take on new and difficult tasks, realistically assess their strengths and capabilities, sometimes fail and still win. Ultimately, we can say that self-esteem affects the ability to be happy. After all, a confident, loving and caring person is more likely to be able to build harmonious relationships with people, the world around him and himself.

A person’s self-image is formed constantly, continuously, throughout life. This is a changeable, mobile concept, and not an image fixed in the mind once and for all.

In early and preschool childhood, self-esteem is formed thanks to parental statements and attitudes. Why? Because children believe and absorb everything that significant adults say and think about them. In addition, they strive to meet and justify their parents' expectations. It is said that Vasya is a very kind and sympathetic boy, which means that this is so: Vasya believes this with a pure soul, and - what is important! really trying to be like that. And a child who is taught from early childhood that he behaves badly, incorrectly, develops self-dislike, and this interferes with learning, love, and building relationships with other people.

“Other children are like children, but mine...” the mother sighs, and the child’s heart shrinks with guilt, sadness and anger at herself: why am I like this?

Of course, parents say this not out of a desire to annoy their children. Most likely, their own parents also had the habit of criticizing and “educating” without measure, so they reproduce a similar style of relationship with their own child. The reason for overly critical upbringing can also be excessive demands on children, as well as one’s own inadequate self-esteem - therefore, one should not forget about “educating” oneself, but it is better to start with it.

Many children think that they are such “inferior” people. He took the cup and poured the milk, and immediately heard: “What kind of hook hands are you, you can’t do anything normally!” I started buttoning my shirt, but it turned out wrong... The child is in despair: “I can’t do anything!” Here the parents are “full-fledged” people, everything works out for them...” Only the parents forget that they were not born into the world as “ready-made” all-rounders.

Every parent, scolding their child, wishes him well. We all want the child to succeed in everything, and he would be able to do everything, know everything, understand everything, in general, would be such a super-adult - responsible, smart, hardworking, understanding... And right away, immediately - he was born and is already doing everything right ! Funny? Yes, it sounds absurd. But then where do we get so much discontent and irritation? It is difficult for us to come to terms with the imperfections of another person, but a child cannot live up to our ideals - simply because he is different. This does not mean that problems should be ignored and the world should be looked at through rose-colored glasses. Does the child have problems? Of course there is! Like each of us, every person. But there are no ideal people, and a hundredfold repetition of childhood shortcomings will lead to a bias in this direction, to a loss of self-confidence, to low self-esteem. And it will become very difficult to correct, adjust these character traits.

The nature of self-esteem and personality traits

The nature of adolescents’ self-esteem determines the formation of certain personality traits. For example, its adequate level contributes to the formation of self-confidence, self-criticism, perseverance or excessive self-confidence and uncriticality in a teenager. A certain connection between the nature of self-esteem and educational and social activity is also revealed. Teenagers with adequate self-esteem have a higher level of academic achievement, they do not have sharp jumps in academic performance and have a higher social and personal status. Teenagers with adequate self-esteem have a wide field of interests, their activity is aimed at various types of activities, as well as interpersonal contacts that are moderate and appropriate, aimed at learning about others and themselves in the process of communication. Teenagers with a tendency to strongly inflate self-esteem show quite limited types of activities and a greater focus on communication, which is of little substance. Aggressive teenagers are characterized by extreme self-esteem (either maximally positive or maximally negative), increased anxiety, fear of wide social contacts, egocentrism, and inability to find a way out of difficult situations. Data from numerous studies show that adolescents with low self-esteem are susceptible to depressive tendencies. Moreover, some studies have found that low self-esteem precedes or is the cause of depressive reactions, while others have found that depressive affect manifests itself first and is then incorporated into low self-esteem. It is known that starting from about 8 years of age, children actively demonstrate the ability to evaluate their success in various areas. The most significant of them were five: school performance, appearance, physical abilities, behavior and social acceptance. However, during adolescence, school performance and behavior become important for evaluation by parents, and the other three - for peers. Teenagers with adequate self-esteem have a wide field of interests, their activity is aimed at various types of activities, as well as interpersonal contacts that are moderate and appropriate, aimed at learning about others and themselves in the process of communication. Teenagers with low self-esteem are susceptible to depressive tendencies. Teenagers with a tendency to strongly inflate self-esteem show quite limited types of activities and a greater focus on communication, which is of little substance.

★Self-esteem in adolescents

What about our grown children and teenagers? That's who is "lucky"! If they scold a baby, they quickly forgive his mistakes - he is so cute! and small! And if a teenager is scolded, then he gets the “full program”, the intensity of educational actions increases... And this nasty child cannot be called “nice”. Day after day, irritation only accumulates, many parent-child relationships reach a state of war, and in war, as we know, all means are good. And... “Why are you listening to this music again?! Nothing good will grow out of you!!!”, “Look how you dressed? You look ugly! In this short skirt you look like a dead chicken!!”, “No one will ever be friends with you! You have a terrible character!”, “You will never find a husband! Because you have no brains at all! and you are very lazy! Of course, our “children” are not in debt, and will also find something to answer. Who will say it more painfully? Who will offend you more? What imprint will our “prophecies” leave on children’s souls?

Adolescence is characterized by sharp, diametrically opposed changes in self-esteem from a feeling of complete insignificance to absolute omnipotence.

This happens because self-identification in adolescence is just being formed. The boundaries of one’s capabilities are not clear, claims and ambitions are high, sensitivity to any statement about oneself is also very high. It is at this moment that the calm, kind attitude of parents towards a teenager is especially important.

Despite the fact that teenagers look and behave just like adults, they remain our children, and no less urgently need parental support, love, and acceptance. And although at this age the priority is the assessment of peers, parents remain a safe haven, a reliable rear, a safe place where you can gain strength, love and warmth - free of charge, for nothing, not for any outstanding merits or excellent behavior, but simply for that they exist in the world.

They expect parental approval and recognition, faith in their abilities, confirmation of intelligence, correct behavior, beauty, kindness and other various good qualities. In their expectations, they are very similar to kids, but they will never admit it. Thus, during adolescence, the influence of parents on a child’s self-esteem is very important!

★ Inflated self-esteem

When discussing the topic of self-esteem, we usually mean low self-esteem. What about the overpriced? It would seem that the higher a person evaluates himself, the more confident he feels, the more he can achieve. But it's not that simple. The fact is that a person with high self-esteem sets goals that are inadequately high for himself, and without being able to really calculate his own strengths, he may also be unsuccessful. The price of such “falls” is disappointment, a feeling of injustice, a feeling of hopelessness. Such people often blame the world around them, circumstances, but not themselves, for all their failures. Or, on the contrary, a person may think that it is possible and does not strive for anything at all - he is magnificent and just lying on the couch.

Inflated self-esteem is formed “thanks to” excessive adoration and praise of the child, when any deed, action and word causes a surge of delight in loving parents, regardless of the result. And when the time comes to face harsh reality, the child is offended and sincerely perplexed why everyone around him does not admire his extraordinary skills (which are no different from all other children). So overestimating yourself can also backfire.

How to evaluate your teenagers? And is it necessary to do this?

Let us repeat that a person’s self-image, self-esteem, is made up of feedback from other people. For full feedback, an assessment is needed (Semenovich A.V., 2016). But! Evaluation of an action, activity, and not the person himself. If there are no external, completely material markers of success or failure, a kind of insignia, specific criteria for the result of activity, the results, pros and cons of summing up are not obvious to the child - and even to the adult.

Our activities are based on the following principle: current need - desired, expected result. The expected result helps to choose a means to achieve it, to respond to internal and external obstacles on the way to it.

Comparing the desired result with the achieved result is assessment and control. This stage of comparing the obtained result with the desired one is one of the most important for a person’s mental activity at any age: it is here that feedback is formed. Essentially, these are the functions of analysis and synthesis.

We analyze - that is, we break it down into elements, evaluate, then synthesize - we draw conclusions for the future, we take into account experience, that is, we combine the assessed elements into a new picture.

Thus, assessment is necessary for regulating activity, for the formation of voluntary self-regulation, as well as for self-esteem.

★ How can parents help?

• Patience. Take mistakes and missteps as inevitable, but temporary difficulties. Realize the obvious fact - your teenager will definitely grow up and learn to clean up the dishes, make the bed, speak politely, stop wearing these terrible clothes and listen to such mediocre music, and will be just like all other adults. Only thanks to your efforts - with adequate self-esteem. And while all parents need patience, perhaps parents of teenagers will need a little more of it :)

• Be proud of your child and tell him about it often. Notice his successes (even the smallest ones!), tell him what he did well. This will help to form and maintain a positive attitude towards himself. Of course, admiration should not come out of nowhere. We praise for what the child has put diligence, effort, and work into.

• Believe in your child. Sincere confidence that a teenager is really smart, capable, kind, caring, able to cope with difficulties and become a worthy adult, does wonders - the offspring will really become like that. Children are very sensitive to unconscious impulses. Teenagers often don't believe in themselves, but your faith in them will give them the strength to move forward.

• We all easily notice what didn’t work out and don’t notice the opposite. Learn to notice what works well. To do this, write a list of the teenager’s positive qualities, skills, and actions (as long as possible). Update the list regularly. Positive feedback works more effectively than negative feedback.

• It is important that personal value and respect are not confused with actions. Separate actions from the person; the results of the activity are evaluated, not the child.

• It is necessary to skillfully support the strengths of character and appearance, and focus attention on them. “You are very mobile and cannot sit in one place, but you run the 100-meter race faster than anyone else.” “In my opinion, daughter, a short skirt doesn’t suit you very well. But you have gorgeous hair and a wonderful smile!”

• Allow your teen to make mistakes. He has the right to make mistakes, because he is growing and is just learning to do everything right.

• To do this, parents still need to come to terms with the sad fact that the child is not ideal. No matter how bitter it is to realize this, it is so. Well, a living person cannot be the best in everything, have a full set of “good” qualities and have no flaws at all. Otherwise it would already be a robot. This simple truth is easy to understand, but very difficult to apply to your child. “Well, this is, of course, true - for all the other children! “Well, my child could be better??!!!”

• What about education? Well now, can’t a remark be made? Of course, it is possible and necessary. Your feedback is very important. But it must be correct, without offensive statements, and note both what worked well and what could have been better. Teach your teenager to analyze activities and synthesize new forms.

• It is important to distinguish between education and an uncontrolled outburst of emotions. Education is when we explain to a child the boundaries of acceptable behavior and stop attempts to go beyond the limits, teach a teenager new activities, new ways of behavior, and suggest a solution in case of difficulties. What is important here is a calm, friendly tone, an atmosphere of cooperation and a huge supply of patience. And the outburst of emotions is just all these useless irritated complaints about “bad child” and indignant shouts in case of mistakes and failures.

• Use friendly phrases in everyday communication, such as: “I’m glad to see you”, “I like how you…”, “You’re my good one”, “It’s so good that we have you”, “Let’s stay together” , "I'm interested in your opinion". Thanks to these messages, the child feels that his parents love and notice him, appreciate him for simply being.

• Allow yourself to make mistakes and correct your mistakes. You don't have to be a perfect parent! What's wrong with your self-esteem? :)) In the end, we are all imperfect. We all try to become much better, but no one can become perfect. The most important thing to remember is that both you and your child are worthy of love and joy in this life.

Believe in your children! They will succeed.

Physical appearance and self-esteem

The need to reconstruct the bodily image of the Self, the construction of a male or female “tribal” identity and the gradual transition to adult genital sexuality are among the main tasks of the period of pubertal development. These tasks largely determine the development of adolescents’ self-concept, and in particular their self-esteem. During this age period, another person begins to occupy a very special place in the life of a teenager. This is related to the specificity of adolescents’ perception of the physical appearance of other people. And through the perception and understanding of another, a teenager comes to understand himself. In this case, the same sequence is maintained as in the knowledge of the qualities of another, i.e., first, purely external, physical characteristics are highlighted, then qualities associated with the performance of any type of activity, and finally personal qualities, more hidden properties of the inner world.

Scientists' opinion According to V.N. Kunitsina, in the image of a perceived person of any age, the main things for a teenager are physical features, elements of appearance, then clothing and hairstyle and expressive behavior. With age, the volume and adequacy of the assessed signs increase; the range of categories and concepts used is expanding; categorical judgments decrease and greater flexibility and versatility appear; in the physical appearance of another person, his clothes, hairstyle, signs begin to be noted that reflect character, originality, individuality, uniqueness. A teenager’s perception of other people can be determined by both objective and subjective factors: the nature of the emotional attitude towards the perceived person, the degree of development of the teenager’s cognitive abilities, his mental development, emotional and mental state and past experience. The attitude to perceive other people in a certain way can also be determined by the individual characteristics of a teenager, the influence of group opinion and stereotypes that have developed in society (Kunitsina V.N., 1968). It has been experimentally proven that the perception of the physical appearance of another person in the mind of a teenager is then transferred to the teenager’s perception of himself. Thus, it is precisely during this age period, when the most important transformations occur in the body, when the appearance of a teenager and his physical features begin to greatly excite the teenager, then the compliance of the child’s physical development with the standards accepted in his peer group becomes a determining factor in his social recognition and position. in Group. Awareness of the features of one's appearance also influences the formation of many important personality traits in a teenager (for example, self-confidence, cheerfulness, isolation, individualism). Sex differences . Starting from adolescence, girls' overall self-esteem is significantly lower than that of boys, and this trend is directly related to self-esteem of appearance. A number of studies have found that girls' self-concept correlates more strongly with assessments of the attractiveness of their body than with assessments of its effectiveness. For young men, on the contrary, the leading criterion of self-esteem is the efficiency of the body. This dependence is largely explained by the social role functions of men and women. But at the same time, it is necessary to take into account the mechanisms of social reinforcement derived from existing stereotypes, which are also supported by the media.

How to avoid a problem before it happens

In a scientific article by T.S. Pavlova’s “The Influence of Parents and Family Structure on a Child’s Self-Esteem” reflects the principles of upbringing that will help form a positive, adequate self-esteem of the child:

1. Give love and care.

   Love from those closest to you strengthens self-confidence and a sense of security. The fragile psyche of a teenager makes him feel constant fluctuations in his system of self-perception. Only the unconditional love of his parents will help him focus on positive self-feelings.

2. Believe in the child.

   Believe in him, he, in turn, will begin to do the same.

3. Encourage initiative.

   Children's initiatives are often thwarted by harsh remarks and unmotivated refusals from parents. This behavior gives rise to the idea that the child’s impulses and desires are wrong and inappropriate. Guilt and shame for aspirations give rise to avoidance of achievements and low self-esteem.

4. Tell your child what he can do.

   When he doubts that he will succeed, tell him otherwise. Your confidence will set the stage for building self-confidence.

5. Verbally note significance.

   You can silently love and appreciate your child, but he will not understand it. Therefore, it is important to verbally express how proud you are of him, appreciate him, love him, and believe in him.

6. Teach your child to objectively evaluate their strengths and weaknesses.

   Formed adequate criteria for assessing oneself and others are the key to future healthy self-esteem. Show your child by example that people have a set of advantages and disadvantages. But it is important to accept and love all sides of your personality.

Portrait of a man with high self-esteem

A person with too much self-esteem can be easily distinguished from the crowd. It is distinguished by the following characteristics:

• overconfidence that does not correlate with the complexity of the situation;
• inadequate attitude to criticism addressed to oneself;
• conflict;
• perfectionism;
• speech with an abundance of pronouns “I”;
• blaming others for one's own failures.

People with inflated pride are proud and arrogant. They will not accept help from others.

Manifestations are always a straight back and a forward chin. “Daffodils” can spend hours in front of the mirror admiring themselves. They love to be photographed and know how to pose for photos.

What to do if a child is worried about intellectual abilities or sports?

The principle of compensation is at work here. If it doesn’t work in one area, we look for one in which it will work. Examples of compensation from parents, friends and acquaintances play an important role. Remember Steve Jobs' speech about how difficulties propelled him to much greater success? Such stories motivate us to look for “our own” areas, develop and achieve results.

Is it worth demanding from a child harmonious development in all areas or is it better to give the opportunity to do what he likes and does well?

At the first stage, it is better to let him develop in what he likes, especially if there are questions about self-esteem. It is important for a child to feel the euphoria of success and realization of opportunities. At the next stages, tasks from other areas can be offered as a challenge and a new step.

It is also necessary to take into account the type of nervous system of the child. People with certain types of nervous systems cannot stand the same type of long-term activity, but they happily take on new tasks. This is also worth considering.

Is high self-esteem also associated with self-doubt?

High self-esteem, most often, is a disguise for low self-esteem. Often the aggressive, defiant and boorish behavior of a teenager means uncertainty about what he really looks like. This is corrected in group classes.

Can low self-esteem be corrected?

Fortunately, this is not a death sentence; you can work with it and improve it at any age: school, teenager and adult. It is successfully corrected.

How?

Most often, complex work occurs. First, it is necessary to teach parents to give positive assessments and respond correctly to successes and failures so that the child feels supported. Then the child comes for individual consultations or group trainings. Group work is also useful for those who have difficulties communicating with other children.

How to make your self-esteem adequate - tips

High self-esteem brings a lot of trouble to a person. The sooner you identify this character flaw and begin to correct it, the greater the likelihood of getting rid of the problem yourself.

Awareness of the problem

A person will not be able to properly assess his own strengths if he does not realize the lack. To do this, after any action taken, try to look at yourself from the outside.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

Psychologists give the following recommendation: put yourself in the shoes of your interlocutor and think about how you look in his eyes. You may not be as brilliant as you thought you were.

Respect other people and their opinions

Teach to appreciate not only your own, but also other people’s virtues. This is absolutely normal. You can't be the best at everything.

A man’s high self-esteem is characterized by this feature. They are more susceptible to the spirit of competition than women. Stopping in time and giving in to another is an important aspect of adequate male self-esteem.

Listen to healthy criticism

Taking offense at criticism from outsiders is the wrong tactic for a person who has decided to stabilize his own self-esteem. You need to listen to the words of others. Find motivation in their reproaches to correct your own mistakes.

Be self-critical

Learn to look at your own actions with an open mind. Dryly evaluate decisions made and words spoken. It's the same with appearance. Accept shortcomings, but don't blame them.

Remember that you have strengths. Cons are evidence that you are human and cannot be perfect.

If you fail, analyze your actions

In case of failure, carefully analyze what led to it. Evaluate the entire journey. Adequate self-assessment of your activities will help you work on yourself and achieve new results.

Compare yourself to the most successful people

A surefire way to lower your self-esteem is to realize that there are people more successful than you.

If you are a good IT specialist, take a look at the achievements of Bill Gates. A medical professional may want to consider the work of Henry Marsh, a renowned neurosurgeon who has written several best-selling books.

Accept that you are not the most successful in your own field. You have room for improvement.

Stop competing

The desire to be the best, to show oneself in front of colleagues and the boss is one of the reasons for high self-esteem.

Stop paying attention to other people's activities. Focus on your own achievements and aspirations.

Don't impose your opinion

Adequate self-esteem of a person is characterized by the ability to communicate with people. Listen to the opinions of others and do not impose your own. If, in your opinion, the other person is wrong, give him advice, but do not tell him what to do.

A child is worried about his appearance - what to do?

Teenagers mostly worry about their appearance—another characteristic of age. The body changes quickly, they no longer recognize themselves in the mirror and they need time to accept the new image.

But if changes or some features are experienced painfully by a child, then it is important to understand: is the problem real or is he imagining it. If it’s real, for example, acne, then you should consult a doctor together for advice and support your child on the path to recovery. If the problem is far-fetched, consider an individual consultation with a psychologist.

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How is a child’s self-esteem formed and what influences it?

The process of child development and the formation of self-esteem is divided into two periods: preschool and school. Before school, the child is focused on significant adults, and his self-esteem directly depends on their words and feedback. The child still has little contact with his peers and does not fully understand what he does well and what he doesn’t do well. Therefore, it is considered normal if a child comes to school with somewhat high self-esteem - this is not a problem, but a feature of his age.

Then, when the child goes to primary school, he begins to compare himself with others, receives feedback from peers and teachers, his self-esteem decreases somewhat and becomes adequate, because now it is based on experience. At this moment, an attitude towards oneself and one’s activities is formed, therefore it is very important what kind of “charge” the primary school teacher gives: criticizes or, conversely, praises the children.

How to communicate with someone with high self-esteem

In everyday conversations with a narcissist, you don't need to use any special strategies. If you have an adequate assessment of yourself, the behavior of your interlocutor will not anger you, but will even amuse you.

When you need to get results from a conversation, use one of the following strategies:

1. If your interlocutor is a junior employee, knock down his self-confidence. Do it calmly and reasoned. Using a specific example, explain the oversight in his behavior.
2. When talking to a colleague at the same level, support his point of view while voicing your own. For example: “Yes, you can do it, but look at my point of view... Together we will achieve great success.”
3. When talking to a narcissistic relative, don't be afraid to talk about personal feelings. Openly say what bothers him about his behavior.

Adequate self-esteem is an aspect of normal life in society. If you notice that you react harshly to criticism towards yourself, and perceive comments as an insult, try to cope with this feeling. Listen to the advice of others, soberly evaluate your own actions - this is how you will overcome high self-esteem.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

Self-esteem and pedagogical assessment

The question of the influence of pedagogical assessment on the self-esteem of adolescents is also of interest. In Russian psychology, this issue was comprehensively studied by B. G. Ananyev, who identified two main functions of pedagogical assessment: orienting (impact on the intellectual sphere) and stimulating (impact on the affective-volitional sphere of the individual). The combination of these functions forms the child’s knowledge of himself and his experience of his own qualities, that is, self-awareness and self-esteem. The teacher’s evaluative influence also affects the developing relationships between children in the class, their mutual assessment, expressed, for example, in the popularity and reputation of each individual student. E. L. Nosenko’s research was aimed at identifying the mechanisms of connection between a teenager’s self-esteem and the success of his education. The researcher did not limit herself to the general thesis about the influence of self-esteem on the decrease in the effectiveness of a teenager with low self-esteem due to his lower self-confidence. The author suggested that the mechanism of influence of self-esteem on the effectiveness of a child’s intellectual activity is based on the emotional experiences that accompany the teenager’s activities. Research results have shown that the level of self-esteem of adolescents significantly affects both the qualitative indicators of the effectiveness of intellectual activity and the time it takes to complete it, if there are emotional factors in the situation (for example, the stress of failure, increased responsibility for the quality of activity, etc.). Adolescents with low self-esteem have lower indicators of the quality of activity in emotional situations at a statistically significant level than adolescents with high self-esteem, and the time required to complete the activity is longer. The author explains this tendency by the worse adaptation of adolescents with low self-esteem to emotional situations, which leads to the emergence of emotional tension, which negatively affects the quality characteristics of the time it takes to complete an activity.

Source: Rean A.A. "Human Psychology from Birth to Death"

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