Victim psychology: causes, symptoms and how to get rid of it

Do you constantly feel like you have no control over the situation or that other people are out to get you? Or do you feel like bad things keep happening to you no matter what you do? If you find yourself blaming other people for events or situations in your life, you may have what is called a victim mentality.

People with a victim mentality feel like bad things keep happening and the world is against them. You may feel like everyone is against you, whether it's your partner, your colleagues, or even your family or friends. Even if you can do something to improve the situation, you never take responsibility for anything and feel like everything is out of your control.

You can take things personally, even if they are not directed at you. You may be thinking, “What did I do to deserve this?” You may also often feel resentful.

Chances are you've been through a difficult time in your life or experienced trauma, but at the time you didn't have coping strategies and you developed a negative perspective or victim mentality. It made you believe that life just happens to you and that you are not responsible for what happens in your life.

Even when people come and try to offer you solutions, you're likely to come up with a list of reasons why those solutions don't work and leave those who offer help frustrated or wondering what went wrong.

You may even question why you continue to behave this way. In fact, there are probably some additional benefits to not changing the victim's mindset. You may receive sympathy or attention for your suffering because of what happened to you. You may feel relieved that others are offering you help or encouragement. You probably never want to feel vulnerable again, so it's easier to play it safe.

This article discusses what victim mentality is, the signs and symptoms of this mindset, and how you can learn to eliminate some negative thought patterns.

What is victim psychology?

Although victim psychology is not a recognized diagnosable condition, it is a common term and has other alternative names such as victim syndrome and victim complex.

People with a victim mentality have three beliefs:

Bad things have happened in the past and will continue to happen to you.
Others are to blame for your misfortune.
There's no point in trying to make changes because it won't work.

People who have a victim mentality find it easier to wallow in negativity than to try to save themselves, and you may even impose this mindset on other people.

At its core, the victim mentality is rooted in trauma, suffering, and pain most of the time. When you experience a traumatic situation, usually at the hands of other people, you may learn that you are helpless and that nothing you do in the future will change the situation.

It makes you feel vulnerable and scared. You decide not to take responsibility, even if there are some actions you could take.

My experience

To get rid of the victim complex, I used the same plan that we discussed. It was difficult at the very beginning, but with each week and month it became easier. At first I had to force myself, fight fears, guilt, complexes and other problems. It was especially difficult to learn to take risks, try, give up stability in favor of potentially better things. It was also not easy to change my social circle, but without this change would not have been possible.

I recommend that you make your own list of specific problems that you have to deal with. And work through each element step by step.

Is the victim mentality constant?

It's understandable that you might feel this way after a series of traumatic events, but the truth is that there are always several factors involved in any bad situation. While you may not have been able to control what happened to you in the past, it is likely that you have some degree of control over what happens to you in the future.

For example, if you have been unsuccessfully trying to find a job, there is an opportunity to learn from what didn't work so that you can try to make some changes in the future. In contrast, a person with a victim mindset will have little interest in taking actions that can lead to improvement.

Additionally, when other people try to help you, you may fall into self-pity and argue that it won't work. In other words, what you really want to do is just feel sorry for yourself rather than strive for any meaningful change.

Although it is normal to feel bad about what happened to you and to try to cope with difficult emotions. Anyone with a victim mentality must find an end to self-pity and work toward change and healing. Otherwise, your feeling of victimhood and powerlessness will accompany you for the rest of your life.

The truth is that life will never stop challenging you, and if you feel like nothing you do makes a difference, then you will go through difficult times for the rest of your life.

One of the most common signs of victim psychology is ongoing sabotage and negative thinking. The good news is that this is not a hereditary trait; rather, you have learned to behave this way. You were probably a victim at one time, but you don't have to remain a victim.

The victim blames others for his current situation, even if others had nothing to do with it and are themselves to blame (or at least partially).

Yes, your rights were violated and you did not deserve what happened to you. You deserve empathy and compassion—and understanding. And you can give these things to yourself without waiting for someone else to give them to you.

Scarlet Sails

One girl, aged 8, was told that one day a prince would come for her on a ship with scarlet sails and take her to a distant country. The girl walks along the shore for years, waiting for a miracle. In the village no one likes her and they even consider her crazy.

What prevented the girl from going to another country on her own and finding a prince there? But no, it’s better to stomp along the shore and wait for years for HE to land “in scarlet shorts, on scarlet sails.”

Do you find it funny? Me too. What conclusions should the child draw after this? You will say that this is only in foreign literature. Nothing like this! Ours is even worse! Read Russian fairy tales: “In the dungeon, the princess is grieving. And the brown wolf serves her faithfully.” The absence of any action regarding your life is welcome!

Victim psychology - main features

If you're unsure whether you have a victim mentality, here are some potential signs to look out for:

You blame other people for how your life is going.
You feel like everything is stacked against you.
You have trouble coping with failures.
You have a negative attitude towards most situations.
When someone tries to help you, you lash out in anger.
It makes you feel a little better when you feel sorry for yourself.
You tend to hang out with other people who also like to complain and blame others.
You find it difficult to make changes in your life.
You feel like you lack support from other people.
You lack self-confidence or low self-esteem.
You feel that others must accept that you have been a victim.
You want the people who did you wrong to admit what they did.
You have a very black and white view of other people.
You lack empathy for other people's problems.
You tend to overthink situations.
You are passive as you go about your days.
You think the world is an unfair place.
You are very attentive to what might happen.
Emotionally unavailable to other people.
You feel like failure is constant.
You have a constant feeling of helplessness.
You have a penchant for disasters.
You always feel that other people in life are better off than you.

Ways to overcome

How to get rid of the victim position in psychology? How to overcome the desire to play the role of a victim from a psychological point of view?

First of all, you should shift your attention from external causes of failure inward. This is the only way to understand what fears and limitations prevent you from living a full life.
You need to start working on yourself, try to overcome negative attitudes on your own.
Determine for yourself what exactly success in life consists of. Believe in yourself, be positive.
Strive in every possible way for self-realization in society, career, relationships.

Psychological behavior of the victim

Below are some of the most common ones:

Tendency to blame other people.
Don't take responsibility for your life.
Be vigilant towards other people and react broadly to little things.
It's very good to recognize when people have bad intentions.
Feeling like everyone else has it easier than you, so you don't try to take action.
A feeling of relief when you receive sympathy or pity and seek it out as a result.

Psychology of the victim

What attitude accompanies the victim mentality?

Here are a few approaches to be wary of:

Feeling overly pessimistic about your future.
Feeling of suppressed anger.
Feeling entitled to the sympathy of others.
Feeling protected no matter what other people say.
Feeling like there is no point in looking for solutions.
Seeing people as black and white or good and bad.
Reluctance to take risks.
Exaggerate the risks of situations or how bad they might turn out.
Constantly suppress yourself.
Feeling of learned helplessness .

Cheburashka

“Suddenly a wizard will fly in in a blue helicopter and show a movie for free. He’ll wish me a happy birthday and probably leave me five hundred popsicles as a gift.”

Question: what stopped you from buying ice cream yourself? What stopped you from going to the movies? Of course, 500 popsicles can cause diarrhea, but at least one popsicle could be bought without a wizard? No! Everyone is waiting for happiness to fall on them.

Here's another example about a birthday.

Victim Beliefs

Finally, let's look at the beliefs held by people with a victim mindset. Below are the most common beliefs that you can hold if you have this mindset.

In a sense, this is a mindset based on learned helplessness.

Bad things always happen to me.
There's no point in trying to change because I can't do anything about what's happening.
I deserve the bad things that happen to me.
Nobody cares about me or what happened to me.
I don't know what to do to change something.
I have no choice what happens to me.
I have to accept what is happening to me.
I can't change my life.

Cinderella

Cinderella, despite the fact that she is the legal heir of all property, endures bullying from her stepmother (victim behavior). When the stepmother rudely refuses Cinderella's request to go to the ball, she runs into an abandoned garden and cries bitterly (victim behavior again).

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a magical fairy appears, gives Cinderella a dress, shoes and a carriage, and sends her to the ball. Cinderella meets the prince.

The prince falls in love with Cinderella at first sight! The girl has a unique chance to become a princess. But she prefers to run away again into slavery to her stepmother, because (attention!) she is afraid that the prince will not like her old dress. What stopped you from telling the prince that it would be uncomfortable to dance in the dress the fairy gave him (or spill wine on the dress)? What stopped you from asking the prince for a new dress? What prevented you from going and calmly changing clothes (and doing it BEFORE 12-00)?

The child’s conclusions after reading the fairy tale: you need to endure, no matter how much they bully you, only then will you be good. You cannot say “NO” and defend personal boundaries. You need to live your dream and wait for the prince to save you.

What causes victim thinking?

Below are some of the most common reasons.

Experiencing past trauma where this thinking developed as a coping mechanism.
Multiple negative situations where you had no sense of control.
Constant emotional pain that makes you feel helpless or trapped, causing you to give up.
When someone has betrayed your trust in the past, you feel like you cannot trust future people (especially your parents or partner).
Secondary gain after the initial period (for example, making others feel guilty to gain attention).

Psychology of the victim - consequences

Below are some of the most common results that can happen if you persist in this mindset:

Feelings of guilt, shame and depression.
Feeling disappointed in the world.
Feeling hurt and that people don't care about you.
Feeling resentful towards other successful people.
Feelings of depression, isolation or loneliness.
Problems in relationships or problems at work because others feel manipulated or blamed.
Poor health or self-destructive behavior.
Feeling like you thrive on drama and refuse to make changes when faced with failure.
Persistent negative emotions such as fear, sadness and anger.
Trusting therapists or authority figures can take a long time.

Surrendering to fear

fears
can keep a person in a victim position : fear of making decisions, fear of making a mistake, fear of not meeting a new partner, fear of worsening one’s financial situation, and others.
“If fear is stronger than discomfort, many people continue to endure the inconvenience,”
the specialist notes.

Photo pexels.com

How to stop the victim mentality

If you identify with all the signs and symptoms of a victim mentality, you may be wondering how to improve your mood.

Below are some tips to help you cope better and move into a better mindset:

Choose to either leave situations or accept them.
Speak up to take back your power and make a difference.
Read self-help books such as The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.
Forgive yourself or others who have harmed you (not accept, but rather forgive) to reduce hostility and trauma reactions.
Seek help from a therapist to help you deal with past trauma.
Develop your emotional intelligence .
Take responsibility for what you can control in a life situation and how you respond.
Take control of who you spend time with.
Practice self-care to treat yourself with compassion and kindness .
Practice self-love and see yourself as a worthwhile person.
Get into the habit of journaling to help you get rid of bad feelings.
Start letting go of things that don't align with your values or your life goals.
Make yourself a priority and take care of how much energy you expend.
Identify personal goals that you can strive to achieve.
Figure out how to get the same benefits you got with a victim mentality (like self-care).
Practice gratitude for what you already have in life.

How to help someone with a victim mentality

It can be frustrating to try to help someone with a victim mentality because they don't take responsibility for their life and seem to blame everyone else. However, this is only because there is a lot going on below the surface.

Here are some ways you can help:

Show empathy and acknowledge that they have faced painful events in the past.
Don't call them a victim as this will only make the situation worse.
Identify specific unhelpful behaviors such as blame-shifting, complaining, and denying responsibility.
Let them talk and share their feelings.
Don't apologize if you don't feel guilty about the situation.
Set boundaries and don't let them invade your personal space.
Offer to help find solutions, but don't try to protect them from bad outcomes.
Help them think about goals or ways to change their lives.
Ask lots of questions to explore and get them thinking (For example, what are you good at? What have you been good at in the past?)
Validate their feelings rather than dismiss them.
Encourage them to talk to a therapist if they have trauma that has not been addressed in the past.
Prepare for the conversation and don't let bad dynamics get carried away.
Don't attack them and be gentle, let them grow with your support.

Rapunzel

A girl with very long hair lives in a high tower (almost 18 years old) and is waiting for someone to save her. I don’t understand what prevented the girl from tying her own braid to a hook on the wall (and it was there!) and going down (like climbers going down a rope)?

The child’s conclusions after reading the fairy tale: solving problems on your own is difficult or even impossible. You have to sit in a tower and wait 16-18 years until someone jumps up and evacuates you from dangerous territory.

What to say to a person with a victim mentality

Below are some phrases you can use:

“I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm here to talk."
“I have about an hour to talk if you want to try and figure this out.”
“I can’t solve this problem for you, but I’m here to help you solve it.”
“I care about you, but we seem to be rehashing the same thing over and over again. Can we come back to this later?"

Forecast

The position of the victim is one of the most comfortable, because there is always a “good reason” for one’s own mistakes. Therefore, it is often difficult for a patient to part with this “title”.

It is possible to help a person with the syndrome. If you consult a psychotherapist in a timely manner and follow all his recommendations, the patient can return to a normal, healthy life. But quite often this also requires the help of friends, family, and loved ones. They must stop sympathizing and assenting to the patient's pitiful speeches. Instead, during the conversation, you should ask direct questions that will help the person evaluate all his actions and thoughts adequately. Only in this case will the eternal victim finally turn into a healthy and cheerful person.

Reasons for maintaining a victim mentality

Why maintain a victim mentality if it makes you feel bad? The truth is that a victim mentality can bring many secondary benefits.

Below are some of the reasons why deep down you don't want to change.

This allows you not to take responsibility for your life.
People will try to help you and solve your problems for you.
You may be addicted to drama in your life.
You may prefer to avoid anger and instead find it easier to feel upset or sad.
Constant sacrifice makes you feel valued by others.
It has become a coping mechanism or a habit that cannot be unlearned.
You are afraid of facing the anger, shame, fear, or sadness that is at the root of your victim mindset.
It got you through some really tough times and now it's just a habit.
If people think you're struggling, they won't criticize you.
Helps avoid conflicts with others.
You are more likely to get what you want in situations.
Less is expected of you if everyone knows you're struggling.
People won't burden you with their problems if you already have many of your own.
You influence people when you play the victim.
It makes others care about you.

Is it possible to overcome the syndrome?

To help a friend or colleague with victim syndrome, you should develop behavioral tactics. You cannot show pity or agree with the words of the victim. You need to let the interlocutor speak out, ask questions that contain specifics regarding his condition. Such behavior will help the individual look at the world more realistically, begin to think, and feel his own responsibility. However, it is possible that a turn of events will occur that the victim will begin to avoid conversation and will find a “vest” with which to cry and get support.

A person tries on many roles. The role of the victim is the complete opposite of a happy person who has achieved certain heights, does not give up, and is able to soberly assess the situation. A happy person is the creator of his own life. To become happy, you need to realize the presence of the syndrome and want to get rid of it. This will take a lot of effort.