Self-esteem is the most important aspect of the “I-concept” - a system of ideas about one’s personality, on which the degree of a person’s acceptance of himself depends. Our degree of satisfaction with life in general largely depends on how correctly we evaluate ourselves, whether we accept ourselves as we are.
It is unlikely that anyone will argue with the fact that it is difficult to feel and be happy if you are constantly doing something with an eye on others, expecting praise or fearing condemnation sometimes from complete strangers. It is almost impossible to succeed at anything if you don’t believe in yourself and are sure that your competitors will still do better, even if there is no good reason for it at all.
We talked with psychologist and training leader Tatyana Chursina about the levels and formation of self-esteem and found out how to raise it in different age groups.
From the personal archive of Tatyana Chursina /
Self-esteem and level of personality aspirations
American psychologist W. James developed a special formula for self-esteem: Self-esteem = Success / Level of aspirations
Where the level of aspiration is the level to which an individual strives in various spheres of life (status, career, well-being). The level of aspiration serves as an ideal goal for one's future actions.
Success is the achievement of specific results when performing certain actions that reflect the level of aspiration.
The formula shows that self-esteem can be increased either by reducing the level of aspirations or by increasing the effectiveness of one’s actions.
Personal self-esteem can be overestimated, adequate, or underestimated. Strong deviations from adequate self-esteem cause a person to experience internal conflicts and psychological discomfort. Often the person himself does not understand the true causes of all these phenomena and begins to look for reasons outside himself.
Obviously inflated self-esteem of an individual is marked by a superiority complex - “I am the most correct”, as well as by a complex of two-year-old children - “I am the best.” A person with high self-esteem idealizes himself, exaggerates his abilities and capabilities, as well as his importance to the people around him. Such a person ignores failures to maintain psychological comfort, maintaining his usual high self-esteem.
An individual with inflated self-esteem presents weaknesses as strengths, passing off ordinary aggressiveness and stubbornness as determination and will. Often such a person turns into an unattainable person for other individuals, becoming mentally deaf and losing feedback from others. He never listens to other people's opinions. Such a person attributes failure to external factors, other people’s machinations, circumstances, intrigues, but not to his own mistakes. Critical assessment of oneself by other individuals is unacceptable for him and he treats such people with obvious distrust, attributing all this to envy and nit-picking.
A person with high self-esteem sets inflated and impossible goals for himself; has a level of aspirations that exceeds its real capabilities. Such a person is characterized by such traits as conceit, arrogance, striving for superiority, aggressiveness, rudeness, quarrelsomeness, and rigidity. He behaves emphatically independently and this is perceived by others as disdain and arrogance.
An individual with high self-esteem is subject to persecution by hysterical and neurotic manifestations; he believes that he deserves more, but he is unlucky. He is often predictable and stable in his behavior, has a characteristic appearance: high head position, straight posture, long and direct gaze, commanding notes in his voice.
Obviously low self-esteem of the individual manifests itself in an anxious, stuck type of character accentuation. As a rule, such a person is not self-confident, indecisive, shy, overly cautious and, like no one else, more urgently needs the approval and support of others.
An individual with low self-esteem is easily susceptible to the influence of other individuals and thoughtlessly follows their lead. Often, suffering from an inferiority complex, he tries to self-realize, to assert himself at any cost, which leads such a person to be unscrupulous in the means when achieving goals. Such a person is feverishly trying to make up for lost time and prove to himself and everyone his importance and that he is personally worth something. His goals set for himself are lower than he can achieve. A person with low self-esteem often gets lost in his troubles and failures, while inflating their role in life. Such a person is too demanding of others and of himself, overly self-critical, withdrawn, envious, suspicious, vindictive, and cruel. Often such a person becomes a bore, annoying others with little things, and also causing conflicts, both at work and in the family. The appearance is characterized by a retracted head, an indecisive gait, and averting the eyes to the side when speaking.
The adequacy of a person’s self-esteem is established by the relationship between two opposing mental processes: cognitive and protective. The cognitive mental process promotes adequacy, and the protective process acts in the direction of the opposite reality.
The defensive process is explained by the fact that every person has a sense of self-preservation, which acts in situations of self-esteem to self-justify personal behavior, as well as self-defense of internal personal psychological comfort. This process also occurs when a person is left alone with himself, since it is difficult for a person to recognize the chaos within himself.
“I need” and “I want”
Most people have very little knowledge of their shortcomings, strengths, feelings and what they really want. A paradox arises: a person knows what he SHOULD do (go to work, be polite, respect his parents, etc.), but does not know what he WANTS to do. We must strive to bring our “need” and our “want” into line.
To achieve this, you need to learn to adequately assess each situation. If you have to go to work, but you don’t want to, try to understand all the reasons that cause this conflict. For example, you are tired, today is Friday, and you have had a hard week. Or maybe you don't like this job and don't have any interest in it. By understanding all the specific reasons, you can avoid internal conflict and reach agreement with yourself.
What to pay attention to when analyzing
Praise and criticism of yourself Please note whether you praise or criticize yourself more. You should definitely praise yourself, even for minor achievements. Childhood: were your parents happy or unhappy with you? Our mothers and fathers can, without malicious intent, create insecurity in us with their criticism. In any case, we need to analyze our childhood and start working on our self-esteem on our own. What qualities in other people attract you? An example should always be taken from the best. If you find it difficult to understand yourself, pay attention to how confident people behave. Communicate with successful and confident people, learn everything you need to gain confidence. What is your reaction to insults and insults? A self-confident person will not pay attention to insults and comments addressed to him. At most he will respond with the same coin. On the contrary, even a harmless remark can unsettle a woman with low self-esteem. How does the process of falling asleep occur? If you fall asleep without problems and nothing bothers you, then everything is clear - everything is fine with self-esteem. But if you can’t fall asleep for a long time and are engaged in introspection, then your self-confidence is clearly weak. Don't compare yourself to other people. And if you compare, then you need to be equal to the best. Take care of yourself. A new hairstyle, a stylish wardrobe and a toned body will increase your confidence in your attractiveness. And this is already half the success.
Create uniqueness. Be unique. No need to copy anyone, create your own unique world. Radiate positivity. Filter criticism. Don't take other people's opinions to heart. Often they just want to hurt and offend us. Always remain confident. Hang out with nice people. Surround yourself with positive people who give you good vibes
We humans are herd creatures and communication is very important to us. Be positive and you will attract good people. Practice psychotechnics (self-hypnosis, meditation)
It is no longer news that all life is built by the power of our thoughts. Work on your inner self. Let joy and confidence always reign inside, then your life will go as you wish. Be sure to love and appreciate yourself. And then life will give you gifts in return, and the most worthy men and good friends will be next to you.
Self-esteem of a young mother
What qualities does a person have that lead to success in society?
If a child cheats, what should parents do?
Reasons for the formation of low self-esteem: why it falls
There can be many reasons for low self-esteem. First of all, it’s a matter of deep-seated negative beliefs about yourself, which are difficult to find and pull out, work through and turn into positive ones. Destructive attitudes and ideas about oneself appear in childhood and accumulate throughout life.
The first category of beliefs is associated with helplessness (“I’m weak”), the second with defectiveness (“I’m somehow different”), the third with a lack of love (“nobody loves me”). And all of them can be formed under the influence of a variety of reasons and events related to both the inner world and external circumstances.
The most common reasons for the formation of low self-esteem:
1. Problems come from childhood
– neglect or excessive care, unfavorable psychological climate in the family, excessive criticism, very high standards, etc. In the family, the child must receive enough protection, support, care - the basic need for acceptance and love must be fully satisfied. If not, then it is difficult for him to independently cope with all the challenges of the world, grow up and form, developing healthy self-esteem.
Lack of attention and involvement on the part of parents can also create favorable conditions for the child to develop feelings of unimportance, worthlessness, and uselessness, which leads to low self-esteem. On the other hand, overprotection and reassuring a child of his exceptionality can play a cruel joke - finding himself in a hostile alien world, where no one admires or worships, the child can experience trauma and stop believing in himself.
The main reasons for the formation of low self-esteem in childhood: emotional coldness in the family, lack of time for parents to fully communicate, comparing the child with others, the formation of an “unattainable standard”, ridicule of what cannot be corrected (physical disabilities, psycho-emotional characteristics), scandals, divorce.
2. Conflicts, bullying
– at any age, which manifest themselves in different ways: from bullying at school to difficult relationships with loved ones and colleagues. If you constantly tell a person that he is unworthy and put him in situations where he will experience fear, helplessness, powerlessness, anger, his self-esteem suffers. Many victims of bullying, even when they become successful adults, deep down still have low self-esteem (but can hide their feelings well).
3. Psychological trauma
– emotional, physical, sexual abuse causes a feeling of powerlessness, loss of control and trust in the world, and, as a result, a decrease in self-esteem. But any event can act as a trauma - even failure in an exam for a child who grew up in love and excessively “greenhouse conditions” can become a serious test.
4. Media
– today the world puts forward quite serious demands, and social networks promote “successful success”, unattainable and unrealistic standards (thinness, beauty, professional skills, efficiency, ideality, etc.). And often, having seen enough of all this, people lose faith in themselves and live with low self-esteem.
5. Biological background
- all people are different: some cannot be penetrated by anything, while others remember the offensive comment of a passerby for years. Sensitive people, with a fine mental organization, more often suffer from low self-esteem, perceiving every little thing as a personal insult and having difficulty coping with troubles.
6. Features of thinking
– people with low self-esteem tend to criticize themselves and devalue their achievements. Therefore, even if something happens in life that proves their competence or success, they do not notice it. But on the other hand, every trouble or rudeness is perceived as another confirmation of their own negative attitudes.
7. Social isolation
– often for certain reasons (large volumes of work for freelancers, personal tragedies, loss of loved ones, etc.) people voluntarily “lock themselves at home”: they stop communicating with friends and acquaintances, withdraw into themselves, spend most of their time in their homes, go out walks only alone, stop attending events, etc.
It is difficult to get out of such a lifestyle later, and often the first steps of “entering the world” are accompanied by a decrease in self-esteem. For example, women who spend a long time on maternity leave without the opportunity to lead an active life then feel insecure in society and at work. What can we say about those who were forced to close their homes by serious shocks?
List of second order factors
| Designations | Name | First-order factors included in the formed factor |
| QI | Extroversion – introversion | A+, F+, H+, Q24 (E+) |
| QII | Anxiety - adjustment | C-, H-, L+, O+, Q3-, Q4+ |
| QIII | Cortertia – panthemia (“aliveness of the cerebral cortex”) Realism – sensitivity | A-, I-, M-, (E+, L+) |
| QIV | Independence - submission | E+, L+, M-, Q,+, Q2+, H+ |
| QV | Composure - naturalness | N+, (A+, M-, O-) |
| QVI | Subjectivism - realism | I+, M+, L- |
| QVII | Intelligence level | B+ |
| QVIII | High "superego" - low "superego" | C+, Q3+, G+ |
The content characteristics of second-order factors require analysis of first-order factors. The level of factors determines the place assigned to the factor in the structural-hierarchical model of personality. Finding second-order factors is possible by factorizing correlations between first-order factors. This process can theoretically be repeated until one or more unrelated factors remain.
Attitudes towards multi-level personality models are quite contradictory. Thus, J. Guilford had a negative attitude towards higher-order factors, since the reliability of correlations between primary factors largely depends on the experimental conditions, the characteristics of the groups being studied, cultural traditions and other side effects.
G. Eysenck, on the contrary, considers primary factors to be unreliable, since their content strongly depends on the specifics of information collection, the tests used and the methods of factor analysis.
Cattell's position can be seen as a compromise. He insists on the usefulness of multilevel models of personality, especially in solving practical applied problems. In these cases, the values of higher order factors must be specified by indicating the primary factors from which they are formed. For example, introversion will have a qualitatively different meaning depending on which of the first-order factors is more pronounced. A person whose factor A is more pronounced than factor H or F will be characterized as more reserved, timid in social contacts, shy in unfamiliar groups of people, but sociable in direct interpersonal contacts. Therefore, if we do not want to lose the predictive power of tests, we should use factors of different levels.
The identified secondary factors “extraversion - introversion” and “anxiety” have already appeared as primary factors in objective tests; they play an important role in Eysenck’s system. And if among the primary factors that have too specific content, those are found that have no correspondence in the factors identified from the Q-data, then with the help of second-order factors one can get closer to more fundamental factors. Based on the Cattell system, the main lines indicating the origin of the factors are determined:
a) constitutional factors (according to Eysenck and Cattell, they most often serve as characteristics of temperament in all its dynamic manifestations);
b) factors determined by the environment;
c) structural factors (the set of factors considered by Guilford, Eysenck and Cattell), according to the degree of their generalization, constitute a hierarchical organization of personality.
Cattell, thanks to statistical processing of second-order factors, also obtained third-order factors. However, to date, there are only two studies of third-order factors and nine factors have been obtained, eight of which correspond exactly to the second-order factors shown in Table 1. 2. The ninth factor is identified, but not interpreted. Therefore, we do not consider third-order factors.
Below are the substantive characteristics, compiled by R. Cattell, of the main second-order factors.
Through self-knowledge to adequate self-esteem
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Introduction
Perhaps you are familiar with the feeling of fear: “Nobody needs me? I can't handle this. What will others think of me?”, or, on the contrary, it’s something else: “I’m the best! I have no equal in this matter!” Or perhaps this doesn’t bother you at all, then you don’t have to waste time reading this article. But, one way or another, explicitly or implicitly, almost all people show signs of inadequate self-esteem.
This article is for those who want to escape from the yoke of suffering from creative unfulfillment and self-criticism, who are ready to listen to the opinions of the people around them and ask for help. And also for all those who want to interact harmoniously with the world around them, be confident in their own abilities, set realistic goals and be flexible in achieving them.
This article is about how Knowledge and Love help equalize self-esteem.
Self-esteem
What is self-esteem? I will give the most interesting, in my opinion, definition of all the ones I came across when selecting information on this topic. “Self-esteem is a person’s judgment about the presence, absence or weakness of certain qualities, properties in comparison with a certain sample, standard. Self-esteem reveals a person’s evaluative attitude towards himself, his character, appearance, speech, etc. This is a complex psychological system, hierarchically organized and functioning at different levels. A person acts for himself as a special object of knowledge. Self-knowledge is included in an even broader system of knowledge of the external world and implementation in the continuous interaction of a person with the world. Self-esteem is associated with all manifestations of a person’s mental life. The main means of self-assessment are: introspection, introspection, self-report, comparison. On this basis, a person self-evaluates himself, his capabilities, qualities, place among other people, results achieved in various spheres of life, relationships with people. Self-esteem also depends on a person’s development of reflection, criticality, and demands on himself and others.” [1] That is, self-esteem is a person’s subjective perception of himself through a local comparison of his qualities or character traits, interests, achievements or failures in communicating with other people. Of course, knowledge of oneself, one’s physical and mental strengths, as well as a system of personal values, allows a person to control and regulate his actions. But when all of our own knowledge and skills can be compared with the developments (experience) of other people, a conflict of our own interests unconsciously arises. For example, we observed a person, recorded a gesture we liked, a manner of behavior, a reaction or a style of communication - and then: “I’m not like that/that... smart/beautiful/sociable/interesting to talk to.” Or the opposite reaction occurred - “hmm... What a stupid person, he doesn’t understand the basics!” But this is just a moment in the endless flow of time, and we have already made a comparison of ourselves... Knowing oneself according to the “me and the other person” type is often fixed in a person for life and has a powerful emotional overtones, forming a dependence on the opinions of other people. This type of cognition is very unstable, situational and can serve as a source of conflict situations. It is very important in the development of self-knowledge and self-esteem to move to a higher level of comparison - of oneself with oneself, according to the “I and I” type. A person must learn to evaluate his qualities, actions, to compare what he was like “yesterday” and what he is like “today”: he committed a brave, decisive act, or, conversely, he became a coward. Or - which will be more effective for self-development - according to the principle: what he is “today” and what he can and wants to be “tomorrow”, in his most perfect ideas. But here it is very necessary to develop and improve internal techniques of introspection, introspection and self-education. Real, constructive self-criticism should always be conducted not at the level of “me and the other person,” but at the level of “me and I.” Comparison of the “I and I” type provides the most objective description of our behavior, assessment of acquired knowledge, existing desires and aspirations, as well as all the efforts made in achieving our goals. It's like the voice of conscience. But there are small nuances here too. In order not to play a game with yourself: “Why change something about yourself when you are already quite wonderful!” or “I won’t succeed anyway” - I suggest moving on through the pages of my reasoning.
Types of self-esteem
I draw your attention to the fact that self-esteem, regardless of whether it is based on a person’s own judgments about himself or interpretations of the judgments of other people, individual ideals or social standards, is always subjective. In psychology, there are different classifications of types of self-esteem, but for the purpose of this article the generally accepted ones will be sufficient. So, self-esteem can be: - underestimated (underestimation of oneself and one’s capabilities); - overestimated (overestimation of oneself); - adequate (normal), more or less corresponding to real behavior.
Next, I offer my own observations and sketches of behavioral traits of a person with clear signs of low self-esteem and a person with signs of high self-esteem (arrogance).
Low self-esteem
When selecting material for this section, I was guided by the characteristics of my own manifestations of low self-esteem. Going through different events and situations in my memory, experiencing them again and again, but from the point of view of an observer, I came up with the following list. I hope that after studying it, you will be able to look from the outside at similar manifestations in your life, at those situations that could cause you to feel insecure in your own abilities. After all, awareness is the first step to finding solutions and preventing similar reactions in the future. These are the most striking features of low self-esteem (feelings of inferiority), the manifestations of which can sometimes be characterized by diametrically opposed behavior.
Lack of self-confidence
1.1. Appearance and manner of dressing can be expressed in two opposite ways: - Defiant, eccentric, overly open and/or flamboyant style. All “shortcomings” (self-doubt, traces of sadness, frustration, dissatisfaction) are masked as much as possible, since no one should see a manifestation of weakness/worthlessness, except for the closest people. Self-rejection forces you to use masks, which, on the one hand, help you look more confident, but on the other, create additional tension. - Closed, discreet, overly modest, sometimes reaching the point of indifference to one’s own appearance. Preference is given to loose, closed clothing. Characterized by sad/serious facial expressions, stooped posture, stiffness/abrupt movements—a clear desire to hide one’s body and push the opposite sex away from it. 1.2. Difficulty accepting compliments and signs of attention Any manifestation of attention causes a state of discomfort - a feeling that there is nothing to praise for. Refusal to recognize and leveling of qualities that attracted attention. A suspicion arises that the display of attention was not sincere, and that this is just an attempt to support/make fun. 1.3. Difficulties in building close relationships, no matter whether we are talking about friendship or creating a family. Uncertainty and self-dislike are transferred to relationships with other people, which is expressed in suspicion and the search for manifestations of dislike, rejection, and misunderstanding. If they are found or thought up, painful experiences, resentments, claims and hysterics are generated. 1.4. Distancing from others, shyness is generated by the fear of interfering with/distracting someone from an important matter, of burdening someone, of being superfluous, or of being misunderstood, rejected and deceived. When communicating, there is constant tension, internal tension, and closedness. Such a person shares his successes and failures only with those closest to him. 1.5. Weak initiative/indecisiveness manifests itself in avoiding responsibility, or in sharing it with other people for fear of not completing the task, of appearing stupid, weak. It is easier to take part in activities where you do not need to show any creativity and innovative solutions, but only need to patiently work “the old fashioned way.”
Lack of faith in the future
2.1. Low demands on oneself Goals are mundane or absent altogether. A person is content with what he has, not believing that he can achieve something more. 2.2. Inability to record positive achievements, choices and results Life achievements are not noticed and do not bring self-confidence in the future. As a result, there is no opportunity to adequately assess one’s strengths, identify areas of creativity in which one has interest, and achieve high results. Such a person often recalls life’s failures, grievances, mistakes and missed chances. Often there is a feeling of self-pity due to the inability to independently build your own life and it seems that the best is already behind you.
Dependence on the opinions/attitudes of others
3.1. Due to the inability to adequately independently evaluate one’s own achievements, dependence on external confirmation of performance results manifests itself. For example, promotion in position, salary, positive opinion of relatives/significant others, and the like. The same dependence manifests itself in the form of a need for attention from a partner and friends (reminders of love, need and importance, devotion, etc.). 3.2. Other people's opinions are taken too personally. The desire to improve in order to please another, since the opinion of others is often a determining factor for certain mental states. The inability to please everyone creates frustration. 3.3. Any remark raises many doubts about the correctness of a choice, decision or action. This is followed by “giving up” and reluctance to take initiative. 3.4. Criticism causes painful experiences, feelings of inferiority, worthlessness, self-criticism, frustration, and depression. 3.5. Refusal of some privileges or rewards is associated with the fear that they will envy or have the opinion that it is unjustified and undeserved. 3.6. Inability to say “no”/refuse The inability to say “no”, especially when someone is showing attention, spending their own time and energy (for example, buying everything that a saleswoman in a store offers) or refusing to fulfill someone else’s request is another consequence depending on the opinions of other people. It can also be expressed in excessive attention to the comfort and emotional state of the interlocutor, maintaining an uninteresting topic. The desire to please everyone, fulfill all requests and provide all kinds of support can also be associated with the desire to please everyone. 3.7. Setting inflated goals, the implementation of which will require much more resources than planned, is caused by the desire to gain recognition from others. 3.8. Fear of doing something extraordinary, of being special in something because of possible rejection or condemnation by others.
Excessive self-criticism/self-criticism/guilt
4.1. Constant doubt about the actions taken, which are assessed as stupid, clumsy, incorrect, and far from ideal. What is happening is not a constructive analysis (not a search for the right solutions), but emotional self-criticism. 4.2. Attaching great importance to any of your defeats or failures leads to long experiences and reproaches for yourself for wrong choices and actions. In other words, making a mountain out of a mountain. 4.3. Feelings of guilt and self-criticism manifest themselves due to inconsistency with someone’s expectations (especially people close and significant to me): “Not so smart (successful, beautiful, good, etc.).” The feeling of guilt can be caused by far-fetched reasons, if you didn’t greet the person, didn’t look at them the right way, didn’t smile, didn’t call back, answered rudely, etc. There is self-criticism and thoughts like: “What could I have done wrong that they treat me like that?” relate? It’s so difficult to earn their attention! What’s wrong with me, what did I do wrong?” Let's try to draw a psychological portrait of a person with low self-esteem. When communicating, there is constant tension and internal tension. We are obsessed with the desire to please everyone, to please, to provide support. Overly attentive to the comfort and emotional state of the interlocutor. We depend on the opinions and attitudes of other people, as well as on external confirmation of the results of our activities. Prone to self-criticism and widespread (total) feelings of guilt. Touchy, envious, jealous. Feeling tired and depressed is common.
Inflated self-esteem or arrogance
Next, I present observations of a person with high self-esteem. You may be surprised that a person with arrogance observes his own reactions, evaluates them, and also makes efforts to level them out. But a little later you will learn about the multi-level nature of self-awareness, and everything will fall into place. So here are the observations. They are grouped into small thematic blocks: 1. Considers himself the smartest, which can be characterized by the following manifestations: - The desire to argue when someone expresses his opinion confidently, even if he has not yet been involved in the meaning of what is being discussed. It feels like some kind of indignation inside, to immediately say categorically: “No, it’s not like that!” — There is arrogance in the statements, with the internal question “What’s incomprehensible here?!” If a person has not accepted the information expressed, the desire to repeat it many times. — Reluctance to listen to people’s reasoning because of the feeling of one’s own omniscience and understanding. — When someone says “stupidity,” there is a desire to draw everyone’s attention to it, to ridicule it or to realize one’s superiority by quickly saying something more “correct.” — Misunderstanding of something or ignorance, recognized by other people, causes irritation (inner voice: “I know and understand this, and how can you not understand it”) and the desire to ridicule or somehow show that this is not normal, instead to sincerely help the person with your explanations. — The difficulty of listening and absorbing the interlocutor’s information is again due to conceit and the desire to realize oneself in demonstrating one’s knowledge, understanding, and abilities. — Subjectively perceived illogicality of thinking or “misconceptions”, lack of logical conclusions cause irritation. Inner voice: “How can you not understand/guess?”, “How can you think like that?” 2. Considers himself better than others: - Manifestations of low self-esteem or arrogance by other people cause irritation and condemnation, a desire to point this out to third parties and discuss and condemn with them. — Searching, noticing and getting irritated by other people’s imperfections. Presentation of the consequences and conflict situations that may arise due to such manifestations. Fantasies on the topic of how and what instructive, usually in an edifying and revealing style, could be told to other people about their imperfections. — Activity, initiative of other people, attracting attention to oneself causes irritation and envy. - If a person is superior in some way to a person with high self-esteem, then first there is an automatic leveling of this superiority, making them unimportant, insignificant, and also a simultaneous search for one’s own superiority in something else. The search for one's own superiority is carried out in the same direction as the superiority of the opponent. For example, “It’s okay that I do less push-ups, but I run faster.” For comparison opportunities, attention is automatically paid to and the results of other people's activities are calculated. 3. He takes criticism painfully: - If he turns out to be wrong, he experiences states of confusion and shame, the blood rushes to his face and the desire arises to “fail in this place,” that is, to disappear. Further, these states are replaced by self-accusation of haste in statements and the desire to justify or deceive that this is not what he meant. — Remarks, regardless of fairness, are met with irritation, a desire to point out to the source his shortcomings or that he is trying to limit freedom and needs. Or answer with something like “Look at yourself!”, or convict him of other “sins”. This can persist for a long time and wait for an opportunity to be realized. Particularly painful are repeated comments about similar “punctures,” which often occur between spouses or parents and children. 4. Others: - For any problems or difficulties that arise, he blames others, but not himself. — Outside help is taboo for him, because in order to accept it, he must admit his own imperfection (hence the difficulty of working in a team). - Rejection of praise for exceptional actions - “I’m always like, what’s wrong with that!” - Gets irritated when asked a question to which he does not know the answer at all or cannot answer as beautifully and fully as he would like. Further, he may try to answer in general phrases or pass off his assumptions and fantasies as real, reliable knowledge. - Avoids by any means direct competitive moments where losses are clearly possible. Let's try to draw a psychological portrait of a person with high self-esteem. Shows arrogance and pretentiousness. He is quick-tempered, often in a state of irritation and dissatisfaction with other people and circumstances. Prone to sarcasm, ridicule of other people and gossip. Egocentric, believes that everything should revolve around him. Jealous. The main difference in the behavior of arrogant people is that each of them considers below their dignity. For example, making excuses.
Features of the manifestation of inadequate self-esteem in behavior
At first glance, there are two completely different psychological formations: high and low self-esteem. But this is only at first glance. I'm sure you noticed some similarities between them. So, a person with high or low self-esteem:
- experience internal conflict and psychological stress;
- are in illusion about their capabilities;
— low need for self-development (reasons: lack of incentive/lack of faith);
- subject to exaggerated manifestations of signs of arrogance and self-doubt - a small social circle (reasons: self-centered/closed)
For the most part, we manage to combine both opposite poles of self-esteem. So, for example, if a person’s self-esteem at work or in communication with the outside world is low, he tries to compensate for it at home, becoming a kind of “domestic tyrant”[1]. And vice versa, if at home he feels signs of low self-esteem, he compensates for it in the outside world, so he may look proud to others.
What is often mistaken for low self-esteem and called “low self-esteem syndrome” or “victim complex” may actually be, on the contrary, inflated self-esteem: inflated self-esteem plus a tendency to take a victim position creates the illusion of low self-esteem.
Lack of confidence in one area of creativity is often compensated by arrogant behavior in another area. For example, a woman at work “looks like a gray mouse,” but in the kitchen there is an excellent cook who bakes cinnamon rolls perfectly. She does it simply magically. It may well turn out that her low self-esteem is compensated by her critical assessment of other people in terms of cooking.
Situationally inflated self-esteem can be provoked by a reluctance to “lose face” when, due to internal uncertainty, it seems to a person that not knowing or not being able to do something is a crime. And instead of learning, he reports that he already knows how to do everything. Unlike deception, this behavior will be unconscious, and the person himself will believe that he is capable of anything.
Thus, inadequate self-esteem in both its variants gives rise to:
- separation from others
- closedness
- lie
- lack of initiative
- irresponsibility
- egocentrism (self-obsession).
About the reasons for inadequate self-esteem
From a psychological point of view, the reasons for inadequate self-esteem lie in the limited perception of not only oneself, but also the world around us. Excessive confidence or lack of confidence in one’s own abilities does not allow a person to fully carry out his actions and achieve his goals. People who have inflated demands on life, overestimating their capabilities and abilities, often fail when they take on goals that are beyond their capabilities. Low self-esteem distorts the idea of your personality and the people around you. Such people set small goals for themselves and do not achieve anything significant in life, do not reveal their potential and do not realize their personal characteristics (self-actualization). In both cases, inadequate self-esteem hinders personal growth, because without knowing yourself, you don’t know what to work with. Having assessed the level of your aspirations (desires), it is equally important to realistically assess your capabilities and abilities. Their level depends on our life experiences: the ups and downs along the path of life. From the point of view of issiidiology [2], the reasons for inadequate self-esteem lie in the configuration features of a person’s self-awareness, and are also associated with the activity of low-frequency levels. According to Iissiidiology, the configuration of a person’s self-consciousness is a set of all active levels (ideas), and at this stage of human development consists of unconscious, personal, higher personal, subconscious and supraconscious levels. That is, our self-awareness is a multi-level structure. And each level of self-awareness corresponds to a certain “set” of so-called conglomerates - the constituent parts of our personality, which represent a very narrow (fragmented) range of a given level of self-awareness. In psychology, this is partly described by the similar concept of subpersonality. Low-frequency (unconscious and lower levels of personal self-awareness) levels of self-awareness are characterized in the form of instinctive, selfish and animal manifestations. This part of our self-awareness is characterized by very narrow views and fragmented ideas, and our identification with these levels prevents a constructive approach to life situations and circumstances, as well as effective life creativity. The specificity of the information that structures the unconscious part of our self-awareness determines the tendency to one or another type of inadequate self-esteem. In physiology, this is expressed through the characteristics of a person’s hormonal background. For example, when a person is prone to low self-esteem, there is a lack of production of norepinephrine and serotonin. It is difficult to determine the unconscious source of inadequate self-esteem, since the implementation of low-frequency levels is mixed with the implementation of mid-frequency levels, which are associated with our social activity (work, study, etc.), thus forming our behavior model. Despite the activity of the entire multi-level structure of our self-consciousness, we are potentially (with certain skills) able to choose which levels to identify with. Most trainings and psychological practices are aimed at acquiring the skills of identifying with certain conglomerates[3]. At each moment of time, not all conglomerates are manifested through our self-awareness at once, but only the most active of them at a particular moment. Our entire life and our entire future is connected with which levels of self-awareness we identify with to a greater extent. Identifying with the lower levels of self-awareness (the sphere of creativity of which includes extreme manifestations of inadequate self-esteem), due to the limitations of their ideas, a person is not able to think constructively, be in positive states, make far-sighted decisions and build friendly and open relationships with other people. All this, naturally, does not have the most positive impact on all life circumstances.
Transformation of inadequate self-esteem
Extreme manifestations of inadequate self-esteem are more often characteristic of adolescents. As life experience accumulates, self-esteem levels out to a greater or lesser extent. Its remaining features can also be transformed either through the acquisition of additional life experience, or through psychological practices and conscious work with them. You can easily find a description of psychological practices for leveling self-esteem on the Internet. I am closer to the principles of intellectual-altruistic development, based on iissiidiological concepts, so I will share how living according to these principles equalizes self-esteem. So, as can be seen from the name of the principles themselves, the main value of this direction of development is the cultivation of intelligence and altruism, which are interconnected. In addition, openness, honesty, initiative and responsibility are important supporting qualities. If you remember, the qualities generated by inadequate self-esteem (separation, closedness, lies, lack of initiative, irresponsibility, egocentrism) are exactly the opposite of these. The principles of relationships and methods of self-development, developed and applied at MICIAR (International Information Center for Intellectual and Altruistic Development) [4], where I have been living for more than three years and from my own experience feel their effectiveness for leveling self-esteem (and self-development), are aimed at developing the above-mentioned positive qualities generally). The entire intellectual-altruistic approach to self-development can be divided into two parts: the development of high-frequency levels (levels of higher personal self-consciousness and subconsciousness) and the transformation of low-frequency levels. The pillars of activating high-frequency levels are the study of Iissiidiology and the singing of Ayfaar songs[5]. Studying Iissiidiology helps to gain knowledge, deep ideas and beliefs, the understanding that everything around us depends only on us: all circumstances of life are objective, because they fully correspond to the configuration of our self-awareness. This means that there are no injustices in life, but only we ourselves are responsible for everything that happens to us. Singing songs, in turn, allows you to reveal highly sensitive potential and highly moral images, to touch the states of unconditional love and acceptance, tolerance and altruistic service to all the best that exists in people and human society. Conglomerates of high-frequency levels already have responsibility for all the circumstances surrounding them and the initiative to change themselves and these circumstances for the better. Therefore, the more these levels manifest themselves through our self-awareness, the more often we are responsible and proactive. They, in turn, direct us to action in various areas, constantly confronting us with certain tasks. Thus, a person with arrogance comes to understand that he is not so omniscient and omnipotent - self-esteem begins to level out, and for a person with low self-esteem it begins to increase, because it turns out that he can do much more than he thought. Initiative and responsibility generate life experience. And life experience levels out self-esteem. As our vital activity increases at high-frequency levels, new goals corresponding to them appear and a high-quality image of ourselves, who we want to be, emerges. This allows you to move away from assessing yourself according to the principle of “me and others” and move on to assessing “me and my qualitative image.” That is, we gradually begin to evaluate all our choices and actions from the position of whether they correspond to the behavior of our qualitative image and whether they advance us towards our goals, which also increases the level of responsibility and initiative. Activation of high-frequency levels automatically triggers processes to “pull up” low-frequency levels, in working with which, first of all, awareness (Observer state) is important. This state makes it possible to identify which levels of self-awareness are currently manifested, to carry out analysis and, if necessary, correction. If you find yourself with high or low self-esteem, try to write down manifestations of inadequate self-esteem in specific situations. Dedicate, for example, a month to this. Pay close attention to how it manifests itself in you, analyze and decide how you would like to act (imagine that there is a second chance to replay the situation again). Add new ideas about yourself to your high-quality image. This will allow you to develop and manifest the Observer state. When we have learned to identify and record the manifestations of our low-frequency levels and, in particular, inadequate self-esteem, we can move on to the next method of working with them. All non-positive levels are “afraid” of publicity. Therefore, in the intellectual-altruistic direction of development, the principles of openness and honesty are cultivated, which, through recognizing and voicing these reactions, make it possible to effectively transform them. For this, in particular, the technique of “Disidentification and Identification” is used, the meaning of which is to talk about your non-positive manifestations from the position of the Observer, express your reluctance to be them anymore, that is, to disidentify, and identify with the manifestations of your qualitative image. A similar technique should be done in a circle of people, just like you, who strive for self-development and self-knowledge, that is, who are able to understand you. Motivation also helps in working with non-positive levels, that is, the ability to explain to oneself, for example, the disadvantage of identifying with these levels. As a universal motivation for leveling self-esteem, there can be the idea that each person is unique - everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, no one person is worse or better than another. To form effective individual motivations, independent work is necessary. For a person with low self-esteem, it is necessary to record their achievements (for example, “Notebook of Success”, “Book of Happiness”) and those moments when low self-esteem did not allow them to achieve their goals. A person with high self-esteem needs, first of all, to pay attention to those situations when the position of other people was of better quality, and his arrogance did not allow him to achieve his goals. And I always remember that any manifestations in self-awareness are just stages of development. Everything is a necessary experience, and any low-frequency manifestations, when transformed, become an integral part of higher quality levels. We can say that if we add Love to arrogance, we will receive honor. And if you add Knowledge to low self-esteem, you get initiative.
Conclusion
Lack of self-confidence is a stupor, if not degradation. Striving to be better than others is evolutionary growth, self-development. It is more effective to strive to surpass yourself. Thinking that you are already better than everyone is a dead end. The desire for adequate self-esteem allows you to increase the effectiveness of all aspects of life's creativity. Its presence is a criterion for a highly developed person who does not need to prove anything, stick out himself in any way, or, on the contrary, hide from life. Such a person is sociable, friendly, open to people, purposeful and constructive. There is nothing that we cannot achieve in life, and manifestations that we cannot cope with! The most important thing is to take the first step, and if you have read this article to the end, then you have already taken the first step towards adequate self-esteem!
[1] For more information about the mechanisms of psychological defense, read the article entitled “Psychological protection of the individual. Defend or change?!” (https://www.iissiidi.org/#!psihologicheskaya-zaschita-1/c16c4) [2] Iissiidiology is the latest cosmological ideas about the universe and man. For more details, see the links: https://ayfaar.org/iissiidiology/anonsy-knig/item/516-vstupitelnoe-slovo-k-pervomu-tomu-iissiidiologii-ot-avtora, https://ayfaar.org/publikatsii/item /507-ob-iissiidiologii, https://ru.science.wikia.com/wiki/Iissiidiology [3]A conglomerate is an integral part of our personality, uniting a narrow range of levels of self-awareness. In psychology, this is partly described by the similar concept of subpersonality. [4] For more information about MICIAR, see the sites https://ayfaar.org/miciar, https://iiaidc.org/ru/obidei/o-novom-obshchestve
[5] For more information about Ayfaar’s songs, see the website https://www.ayfaarpesni.org/about-songs/?id=3, https://www.ayfaarpesni.org/about-songs/
Author Illiglarass
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How self-esteem affects us
What is self-esteem? This is a person’s opinion about himself, an assessment of his own qualities (advantages, skills), a certain degree of self-respect and self-acceptance, a sense of personal worth and competence (or, conversely, a feeling of worthlessness and ineptitude).
There are low, high and adequate self-esteem. And whatever it is, it is a fairly stable mental formation that does not change as easily as one might sometimes like.
American philosopher and psychologist William James, one of the founders of pragmatism, came up with the following formula:
Self-esteem = success ÷ level of aspirations.
The latter refers to the degree of difficulty of the tasks that a person considers acceptable to set for himself. The more complex the tasks, the higher the level of aspiration. Accordingly, in order to strengthen and grow self-esteem, it is necessary that all these tasks and aspirations be accompanied by success, i.e. what was planned was carried out, what was planned was implemented, the processes launched brought results.
And here we come to, perhaps, the most important quality of self-esteem - its adequacy. If a person evaluates his abilities unrealistically (overestimated or underestimated), then it will be difficult for him to correctly correlate his strengths with various tasks and environmental requirements
Accordingly, it will be difficult for him to achieve success, since in the end he will understand that he was solving trivial problems and his winnings are insignificant, or, conversely, that he will put a lot at stake, but the dividends received will not recoup the costs.
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Thus, inadequate self-esteem can lead to unrealistic (high or low) aspirations, which means choosing goals that are too difficult or easy. In any case, this leads to the emergence of a stressful situation (i.e. the situation itself may not contain anything objectively threatening, but its subjective experience will be associated with feelings of anxiety, lack of confidence in one’s abilities, a panicked mood and, as a result, uncriticism in assessing what has been achieved, errors in forecasts, etc.).
It is clear that no matter how you feel about yourself, a sudden change in the situation (stress) causes a natural mobilization of forces
But there is an important difference
A person with adequate self-esteem knows the limits of his abilities, strengths and weaknesses. And therefore, he competently directs and distributes forces - he does not set himself impossible tasks, rejoices at feasible (!) success, and does not hesitate to ask for help.
If self-esteem is inadequate, then the complexity of the situation increases significantly. The mobilization of internal forces occurs, but they are assessed incorrectly, and the result is not at all what the person expected.
For example, if you learned from childhood that strong people solve problems exclusively on their own, and only weak people need help, then in some new, completely unexpected case for you, you will habitually demand from yourself an immediate and successful solution to the problem. You will increase the amount of your excitement, use proven remedies, but this will not lead to a solution to the problem. More precisely, on the contrary, the problem will worsen, as the level of anxiety will increase, and it will become even more difficult to soberly assess the situation.
About the same thing will happen if you learned from childhood: I am a weak person and I can’t cope with almost anything without outside help. Anxiety and excitement will also increase, and this will also not give the desired result - due to the fact that the energy will not be directed to a direct solution to the situation, but will be scattered on the search for support.
What is self-esteem
In psychology, self-esteem is considered as a complex of a person’s ideas about himself, which were formed on the basis of comparing himself with others. These ideas play an important role in the formation of the image of one’s own “I” or self-concept.
Consciously or unconsciously, we always compare ourselves with others and evaluate ourselves from the position of “better”, “worse” or “the same as everyone else”. Important qualities that are significant for society are assessed first. For example, for a young man of the noble class in the first quarter of the 19th century, it was normal to talk about whether he danced the mazurka better or worse than Lieutenant Rzhevsky. But for a modern person this quality does not matter, and therefore is not appreciated.
Thus, self-esteem is based on socially significant values, without which it is impossible to recognize oneself as a person worthy of respect in a given society and at a given time.
It is clear that we can evaluate ourselves in different ways, especially since there are situations when we are satisfied with ourselves and like ourselves, but at other times some action makes us experience acute dissatisfaction, and we engage in self-flagellation. But self-esteem as part of a person’s self-awareness is a stable formation; although it can change, it does not depend on the situational attitude towards oneself. On the contrary, self-esteem corrects this relationship:
- A person with a high opinion of himself will say: “How could I do this, it’s completely out of character for me,” and will try to forget about the mistake.
- And the one who has low self-esteem, on the contrary, focuses on his mistakes, will reproach himself for them for a long time, and will think that “in life he is a crooked loser who really doesn’t know how to do anything.”
Individual characteristics of people with high self-esteem
If self-esteem is high, a person constantly tries to stand out, he is somewhat arrogant, always speaks out on any occasion, even if he is not competent in the matter, puts himself above others and tries to command.
Distinctive features of such people:
· They put their own “I” first and attach great importance to their person.
· They react inadequately to comments from outsiders; they will not like opinions that differ from their own.
· They are authoritarian and look down on others.
· They do not accept outside help, rejecting it even if they need it.
· In their opinion, they have no weaknesses, they see their negative qualities in a positive light, and try to pass them off as advantages.
· Self-centered, proud, thinking only about themselves, forgetting about others.
· They exhibit mannerisms in their behavior and act deliberately in many cases.
Sometimes you can hear that high self-esteem is better than low self-esteem. This statement does not always correctly characterize the situation; communicating and existing next to a person who has too high self-esteem is not always pleasant and comfortable.
What to pay attention to
Psychologist, psychiatrist Evgenia Streletskaya about healthy self-esteem and self-love:
1. Self-esteem is not only what we think about ourselves, but also our attitude towards ourselves, i.e. the emotions we feel towards ourselves. If you feel hatred, shame, disgust, or guilt towards yourself, you have low self-esteem.
2. Our self-esteem critically depends on how our loved ones treat us. If you are subjected to domestic violence, then you will a priori have low self-esteem. There can only be one way out: change the environment to a favorable one. The rest won't help.
3. There are 2 types of low self-esteem - namely self-hatred with specific precise negative beliefs (among which stands out the case with history, when, for example, someone called names, and the habit of scolding oneself + laziness) and the lack of positive ideas about oneself.
4. It includes several sectors. For convenience, you can highlight beauty (appearance), intelligence, achievements, character, highlights.
5. How is self-esteem formed? At the ages of 3 to 6 years, especially parents should give us a lot of real, reflective of our true self, positive assessments, which are at this evolutionary stage of the formation of the psyche an expression of genuine interest on the part of the parents.
Self-esteem structure
In the structure of self-esteem, psychologists distinguish two components: cognitive and emotional:
- The cognitive component (from the Latin cognition - knowledge) includes a person’s knowledge about himself, his abilities, skills, capabilities, weaknesses and strengths. This component is formed in the process of self-knowledge and largely affects the level of self-esteem. Inadequate self-esteem, as a rule, is associated either with ideas about one’s own “I” that do not correspond to reality, or with their unformedness.
- The emotional component is the individual’s attitude towards himself and various manifestations of his own personality. The emotions that we experience towards ourselves are very contradictory: approval and disapproval, self-respect or lack thereof, love or rejection of ourselves.
The differences between these two components are purely theoretical; in real life they coexist in inextricable unity - our knowledge about our qualities is always emotionally charged.
