Gestalt is an unresolved problem from the past. The word "gestalt" is translated from German as "image". This is what they call unprocessed psychological trauma. Because of it, an obsessive complex of images and unreacted emotions is formed in the present, which does not give peace. Closing the gestalt in a relationship means dotting all the i’s.
In simple terms, gestalt is some kind of unfinished situation from the past that interferes with the present. Moreover, the gestalt itself can be in relationships with parents, and this is reflected in love relationships. It is the first problem (childhood trauma) that is most often encountered among requests in a psychologist’s office. However, unfinished experience in personal relationships often worries people. So, how to close the gestalt in a past relationship with a man or woman? And is it possible to do this yourself?
What does it mean to close the gestalt in a relationship?
Closing the gestalt means going back to the past, living through a traumatic situation and ending it. Only after a person receives answers to all disturbing questions and expresses everything that has accumulated, he will be able to let go of the past and live happily in the present.
Example. Without explaining the reason, the man left the girl. He stopped answering calls, ignored messages, avoided meetings and did not make contact if a girl came to his work. After a while, she retreated, but the main question remained unanswered: “Why did our relationship end?” Since then, the girl has not been able to start a new relationship because she is afraid that it will end just as unexpectedly. She is also constantly looking for a reason within herself and has already made a small list of what is wrong with her. But she still can’t be sure that this is the case. In general, continuous doubts and a return to the past. Unclosed gestalt as it is. In this case, closing the gestalt means understanding why the relationship ended.
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Returning to the story with the Dalmatian, your psyche compared individual spots and formed the image of a dog from them. But why, once you see this dog, can’t you share it back?
Because one of the basic formations of gestalt is the desire for completion. So, for example, the waiter perfectly remembers the visitor’s order while fulfilling it. But he immediately forgets what he brought him, as soon as the plate touches the table. Having completed the order, the waiter closed the gestalt. And before that, he helped him focus on the order.
Signs
It seems to you that you are walking in circles, stepping on the same rake - these are the main signs of an open gestalt. The essence of the phenomenon is that with an incomplete gestalt, subconsciously the person himself again and again creates conditions similar to those of the problematic situation from the past. And he himself finds people who will help him lose the situation. He repeats the traumatic story over and over again, wanting to understand it, but it all ends the same way: the story ends approximately in the same place as the last time.
But what other signs can you use to suspect an open gestalt in your relationship with a man/woman:
- Resentment. Moreover, it can manifest itself like this: “I won’t call him myself,” “Fuck off, I still have to sort things out with her, waste time on her,” “Take a photo of me so that he understands who he lost,” “I saw his new girlfriend , well, she was scary,” “Is this her new boyfriend? Hmmm." That is, resentment is always closely related to anger, unexpressed claims, and aggression. Sometimes innocent people get targeted.
- Subconscious comparison of the current partner with the previous one. You yourself may not always notice this, but if phrases like: “But he always knew how to calm me down”, “But she cooked better and hugged more tenderly” slip through, it means that the past has not yet been left behind. And even if the comparison is negative, it means that you have not yet let go of your ex-partner. For example: “You always understand me, but my ex didn’t understand any hints or direct requests.”
- Mentioning your ex too often. It doesn't matter where or in what context. If you come back to this again and again, it means the wound has not yet become a scar. This same group of signs includes behavior in which a person continues to be interested in the life of his former partner through third parties or social networks.
Interesting! Many people believe that if a person often dreams, then this indicates an open gestalt. In fact, this is not necessarily the case; on the contrary, such brain actions may be an attempt to live through the trauma, to react to it at least in a dream. Our subconscious often fights trauma in this way.
How to complete the gestalt in a relationship yourself
So, how can you independently close the gestalt in a relationship with a man or woman when breaking up? The same techniques can be used. Subconsciously, many people themselves turn to this. However, let's look at what is more common in one case or another.
With a man
Many women act on the principle of “wedge by wedge”, or rather “man by man”. They are looking for someone who will outshine the previous one, who will make them forget about their past partner, and in general about everything in the world. There is a restructuring of the gestalt. Another young man becomes a significant figure. True, this method also has disadvantages. First, you will again fall into the comparison trap. Secondly, subconsciously you yourself can interfere with building new relationships. Because of this, psychologists rarely advise using this method, but in some places you can find such recommendations, and it helps someone.
With a woman
If women more often “kick out” a man with a man, then representatives of the stronger sex choose work or some kind of hobby as an alternative.
They try to make friends, hobbies, and work the meaning of life, a significant figure. But there are also dangers here: the risk of suppressing emotions rather than getting rid of them, which will aggravate your condition and the likelihood of becoming a workaholic. The latter, in advanced cases, transforms into a form of addiction and a means of escaping reality. But again, this method helps some. Important! When closing the gestalt in a relationship with a man or woman using the methods described, do not forget to consciously work with manifestations of trauma. For example, learn to catch yourself thinking when you want to visit your ex-partner’s page on a social network again, and divert your attention to something else, forbid yourself to do this with all your might.
Why doesn't the gestalt close?
You need to understand that the unclosed gestalt feeds on your energy of attention. The more attention you pay to an event (upcoming or past), the more energy moves there. The attention of our brain is finite, so from a number of other things there is an outflow of energy towards an unfinished situation.
And where there is more attention, there is more energy. This is why the brain quickly forgets positive events. And negative memories remain for a long time.
Therefore, gestalts should be closed. People who are depressed or depressed for no apparent reason very often direct their thoughts in destructive directions. Unfinished situations distract their attention. And I have no strength for my current life.
To avoid such situations, you should complete things completely. Don't leave any tails.
How to close the gestalt of past relationships
If you can get in touch with the person who is the center of the unfinished gestalt, then you can use the writing technique. You may have heard something similar before - the technique of writing without an address. In our case, when the object is reachable, the letter will have an addressee. It is also important to adhere to three rules for writing an appeal:
- Sincerity. Talk to yourself first. Throw away everything “I didn’t really want to”, “I’m not offended by anything”, “Yes, it’s painful to worry about everyone here” and the like. Admit to yourself the feelings you are experiencing. Then write about those same feelings and thoughts in a letter. It is important to admit to yourself and to him (her) not only what you are experiencing now, but also what you experienced in relationships, what you were always silent about, what bothered you, what you liked, when you yourself were wrong and what you blame yourself for , what you were offended by, etc. And you can start by describing the present moment: “I’m scared to write this letter to you. I am afraid that my feelings will remain misunderstood and will be ridiculed. It's scary to bare my soul, but I need it. Please help me free myself - read this letter.”
- I-statements. This technique is used to prevent and resolve conflicts. The point is that instead of “You statements,” you need to say “I statements.” Then any of your requests will not look like complaints or accusations, the person will be more willing to make contact. For example, instead of “You ruined my whole life,” write: “Since we broke up, nothing has been going well for me, I feel insecure, I’m often sad and sad, I’m angry. It seems to me that this is due to the fact that we were never able to calmly talk about everything. Let's meet sometime and dot the i's?"
Note! The I-statement technique is also useful to use in current relationships. For example: Instead of “You don’t care about me,” say “I worry and feel unwanted when you don’t respond to my messages. Could you pick up the phone more often, call back or send an SMS?” The I-statement scheme looks like this: your emotions in the first person + specific conditions, situations, human actions (maximum details and minimum generalizations) that bother you + your wishes, suggestions for resolving the problem situation.
- Please reply to the letter. As an example, I suggested adding a request to listen to you at the very beginning of the letter, and now at the end you can write another request: “Please answer me.” But still be prepared for the fact that the person will not answer.
If the letter remains unanswered, write a second letter, but without an address. You don’t have to think about any rules and don’t be shy in your expressions. And after writing and reading it out loud to yourself, you can destroy the letter in the most cruel way. An alternative is to imagine your partner on the chair opposite you (you can sit a doll and stick a printed photo of your ex on it) and say everything you wanted. The same techniques are suitable for those who physically cannot make contact with the object of an incomplete gestalt.
Neutralization of Gestalt
To complete the gestalt you need:
- realize your need
- clearly form (order) the gestalt
- complete or remove the gestalt.
To get rid of unfinished experiences, Gestalt therapy offers three steps: forgiveness, farewell and gratitude.
- Forgive – get rid of anger and resentment.
- Let go of what is emotionally depressing and move on.
- Remember the good things and feel gratitude for what happened.
Learn to express feelings
The main purpose of this is to realize the need behind the feeling. Don't suppress your feelings, but live and let go. Tell someone about your experiences. Emotional involvement interferes with completion. Realize and accept things as they are. Indifference to the gestalt helps to successfully deal with it.
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One of the resolution options is to write a letter addressing the problem (it is not necessary to send it), the second is to meet and clarify unresolved issues with the person.
spring-cleaning
Make your list of unfinished tasks and plans. Select 3-4 tasks and get started. Dedicate your weekend to clearing out unfinished business.
Start by completing relatively simple gestalts. Do everything you wanted, but put it off all the time, forgot what you didn’t have time for. Buy a cactus, make cookies, paint peonies, throw away or donate unwanted items.
Complete 1-3 Gestalts per month to do some spring cleaning in your life.
Revision of priorities and desires
Perhaps what you dreamed of before is no longer needed, and you are still languishing with an unfulfilled dream. Desires often come and go. What is received too late no longer brings the desired joy.
When you really wanted something, ask “What did you really want at that moment?” Perhaps your deepest desire was inspired by another pressing need.
Find out what unfinished things are still important to you. If they take time, do them and plan them in detail. For the rest, decide if you will ever do it. If in doubt, discard this idea and let go of “not your dream.”
Taste it
An effective way to free yourself from temptation is to try it. Translate your dreams from fantasy into reality and try. Especially if thoughts about them have not left you for many years.
If you wanted to take up dancing, take it and sign up for it. It's never too late to do what you love. On the other hand, perhaps after a couple of dance lessons you will realize that this is not your thing, but it would be more interesting to take drawing classes.
Move on
The basic principle of Gestalt therapy is “here-and-now”. This means living with your eyes wide open, aware of the present. Without constantly being distracted by the past and without fantasizing about the future. This means paying attention to the things and people around you.
There are many exercises to practice this principle. For example, pay attention to how you walk, how you place your foot on the asphalt, whether you do it in a hurry or leisurely.
Break the vicious circle
Start behaving differently. If you feel a repeating scenario in your life or relationships, then something needs to change. Apply a new strategy to avoid repeating past mistakes.
If you demanded a lot from your partner and didn’t get what you wanted, stop demanding, start giving more yourself. Sometimes when you've been trying to solve a problem for a long time, it's good to let it go and not worry about it anymore. The solution may lie on the surface or come from the outside from a casual acquaintance.
Turn on your imagination
If you can’t complete an action in real life (the company has closed, the person has moved), imagine how it could end . Imagine the situation and play it out in your head. You can also write a story about it or create an art piece.
Act out the scene. Psychodrama uses the stage performance of episodes from life to work through traumatic events of the past, unfinished situations, fantasies and dreams. Recreate or simulate some real situation. Even watching a film with a parallel situation to yours and experiencing it will be effective.
Mistakes that are best avoided
We have already mentioned that a mistake can be trying to knock out a wedge with a wedge. In addition to suppressing emotions and other dangers, there is another one - you can become an open gestalt for someone. You should not use a person for your own purposes.
The second popular mistake is “hold on, man” (true for girls too). Many people, especially men, suppress their true emotions in every possible way. A mask of indifference will not lead to anything good. Sooner or later, the subconscious will throw out everything suppressed. And it’s impossible to say exactly what this will result in: a nervous breakdown, illness, a quarrel with a random person, or something else.
