Many children have a fantasy in the evenings, and they see monsters under the bed - but fears of the dark and others turn into a real problem in children who do not know how to fall asleep on their own. What should you do if you are the parent of such a child and are forced to sit by his bed every evening, holding the baby’s hand?
As evening approached, six-year-old Zora became restless and annoying. She put off the time for evening bathing and brushing her teeth as best she could. She demanded more and more books to read aloud, although it was long time to go to bed, and agreed to fall asleep only holding her mother’s hand. Even if her mother was sitting right next to her bed and holding her hand, Zora would declare that the sticker animals were “looking at her from the wall” or that the noise from the street was bothering her. Her stomach either hurt, or her legs felt strange, although before she went to bed, both her stomach and her legs were fine. A lot of time passed before Zora’s mother realized that her daughter simply did not know how to fall asleep on her own, and therefore she was seized with fear in the evenings.
Babies often behave the same way as Zora if they do not know how to fall asleep on their own. They have to invent all sorts of fears and complaints because they really need adults to stay with them until they fall asleep. For that matter, you yourself - unintentionally, of course - have taught your baby to be anxious in the evenings, because this is the only way he can prevent you from leaving, especially if you are not sure whether he can fall asleep alone, without your help.
The five-step plan is designed to help your little one feel comfortable and calm before bed. This plan can reduce children's anxiety in several ways. It includes:
- a light snack so that the child does not get hungry at night;
- takes time to read and cuddle;
- gives the baby a charm, a toy or a book that will help him relax until sleep comes;
- and two “sleeping tickets” for small requests and matters for which he did not have enough time before.
Finally, this plan doesn't deprive your son or daughter of your presence while they practice their sleep skills.
Why is your baby afraid to sleep?
Fears arise for many reasons. This may be overexcitation, overdeveloped imagination, strong attachment to parents, place of sleep and other factors. Many of them may seem far-fetched and banal. But it won't hurt to know the full list of possible causes of restless nights and phobias before going to bed in your own crib. Let's divide the main reasons for fear according to the age of the children.
Infant
Children from birth to 1.5–2 years of age show a negative attitude toward sleeping without their mother for the following reasons:
- The baby is cold and hungry.
- The baby is pissing himself, but mom doesn’t notice his wet panties.
- I'm used to being held in my arms all day. Without feeling the warmth of someone else's body, he cannot fall asleep.
- The newborn was overexcited: he did not sleep for too long or played noisily before bed.
- The baby has colic, stomach pain and gas.
- The bed is uncomfortable. Breasts are uncomfortable in a spacious bed, or the mattress is not suitable in terms of hardness.
- The baby got sick. There doesn't have to be a fever; perhaps he just feels unwell.
- The baby is used to sleeping in his parents' bed.
On a note! Children should sleep in a separate bed from birth. This is normal from the point of view of hygiene and the psychology of raising an independent personality. Place the cradle near you at night.
At 3–4 years old, you can carefully move your baby into a separate room.
Children from 2 to 6 years old
This is a period of rapid development of the kindergartener’s imagination and independence. He communicates a lot with his peers, other adults, and watches TV. An immature nervous system provokes fears due to the following factors:
- The baby sees monsters under the bed. This is due to the wild imagination of children.
- Lack of attention from parents. The little one started going to kindergarten and sees his mother less often.
- The baby is raising its parents. More often, parents of 3-year-old children face a test of endurance when another age-related crisis occurs under the motto “I’m on my own!” The child dictates to his mother where he will sleep and when he needs to go to bed.
- Unbearable mental load. After 3 years, kindergarteners attend clubs, dance, sing, learn English, that is, they actively develop under the strict supervision of their parents. By the age of 6, you need to learn to read, count, and take a course for a future first-grader using an enhanced scheme. It is difficult for an unformed psyche to withstand such a load. As a result, self-doubt and fears are formed.
On a note! Often young children do not understand exactly what feeling they experience at night. From fear, the heart beats quickly, breathing becomes difficult, and the desire to run to mom appears.
Talk about what fears and nightmares are with your 4-5 year old child. Explain that fear of something is a normal human reaction, you need to cope with it, and not hide under your mother’s blanket.
Junior schoolchildren from 7–8 to 10 years old
This is a time of enormous changes in life.
The reason for fear may lie in the following:
- Anxiety related to school. Most often, first and fourth graders are at risk for sleep disorders. For the former, the reason for anxiety is getting to know a new team, the academic load, for the latter - final exams from primary school and entering the secondary level, where there will be new teachers, difficult subjects.
- Socialization. After kindergarten, children spend more time alone, meet new people, make friends at school and in the yard. On this path, difficulties and misunderstandings with peers may arise. Children need parental support.
- Watching “adult” programs and movies. In the absence of parents, and even with them, children watch horror films, scary cartoons, and have nightmares at night.
- Computer games. Walking and fighting monsters have a negative impact on the baby’s psyche.
In addition, there are several other causes of night phobias that are not related to age. This:
- Life changes. Moving to another city, to a new apartment, changing the decor in the room, another bed, and so on.
- Psychological situation in the family. Most often, phobias are formed due to frequent quarrels between parents, especially if they occur at night. Children hear that mom and dad are sorting things out, they don’t understand what’s happening. The next night they find it difficult to sleep; they want to be close to mom and dad to prevent a quarrel.
- Ailments of the central nervous system, mental health. Restless nights often accompany children with mental and neurological diseases (autism, schizophrenia, ASD, hyperactivity).
- Psychological trauma. This is fear, surviving fires, earthquakes, wars. Newborn babies may be frightened by loud noises.
- Baby's temperament. Phlegmatic people are more sensitive to changes, separation from mother, and noisy games in the evening than choleric people.
On a note! You need to immediately wean your baby from going to his parents at night or being whimsical in his own bed. If the mother agrees to the baby’s terms several times, then the next nights she will definitely sleep in the toddler’s arms. The baby will understand that he can manipulate his parents.
The benefits of sleep and the consequences of hypnophobia
Sleep is extremely important for the human body. Deep and strong, it allows you to balance the work of all systems:
- balances the processes of excitation and inhibition of the nervous system;
- relaxes muscles;
- restores metabolism;
- strengthens the immune system;
- ensures the assimilation of information received during wakefulness;
- allows you to free brain tissue from toxins.
Thus, while in a sleeping state, the body rests, recharging with energy. Lost strength is being restored. The resulting effect can be compared to recharging a battery.
With somniphobia, the patient is deprived of this privilege. The disorder leads to fatigue, apathy, and decreased performance. Somniphobia is accompanied by irritability, constant fatigue, and depression.
In advanced cases, a person faces complete moral exhaustion and exhaustion. Memory, attention, and other cognitive functions suffer. There is a clouding of consciousness with hallucinations, delusions, and psychosis is possible.
Lack of sleep affects the physical level, causing:
- pressure surges;
- arrhythmia and other cardiac disorders;
- metabolic disorders, including obesity;
- endocrine disorders;
- dizziness, headaches;
- muscle weakness;
- blurred vision.
Even if the patient manages to fall asleep, he wakes up exhausted and tired. Phobia leads to disruptions in the body at a generalized level.
The inability to sleep takes a significant toll on an individual.
Sleep deprivation is considered one of the most sophisticated torture methods used during interrogation. In one of the American camps at the beginning of the 21st century, prisoners were subjected to listening to music, preventing them from falling asleep.
Age-related characteristics of fear
Night terrors most often begin in children after 3 years of age and end at 10–11 years of age. In some cases, the child is afraid to sleep alone from birth. If phobias and visits to mother’s bed at night continue in a teenager after 11 years of age, you need to seek psychological help.
Also, to find out the causes of fear, it is necessary to analyze when the child began to be afraid, which could provoke the phobia. Every age has moments like this. Let's give a few examples when fear is a normal reaction to growing up or changes in life or care.
| Age | What triggers fear | How does the baby behave? | How long does the difficult period last? |
| 1.5–2 years | 1. Weaning. 2. Refusal of night diapers. 3. Weaning off pacifiers and bottles. 4. Moving the baby to a separate room. | A one-year-old baby cries and asks to go to his parents’ bed. May be anxious, angry, and capricious in the evening and all day long. He feels deceived, lonely, unprotected. Scary images and nightmares do not haunt children at this age. | No more than 1 month |
| 3 years | 1. Adaptation in kindergarten and getting used to the nanny. | The baby feels fear during the day when he is left without parental care, with someone else's aunt and other children. He doesn’t want to part with his mother when she returns home after work, prefers to sit in her arms and play with her. He reluctantly goes to the bedroom, afraid to fall asleep alone and wake up in the morning without his mother. | 2–4 weeks, normally no more than 2 months. |
| 4–5 years | 1. Socialization in a children's group. 2. Development of imagination, imaginative thinking. | At the age of 4, children learn to make friends, quarrel, and make peace. Relationships with peers become a cause of anxiety. At the age of 5, kindergarteners fantasize wildly, come up with role-playing games with monsters, draw a lot, and at night they see daytime games in their dreams. It could also be nightmares. They are afraid to go to bed in the dark and ask to turn on the light. | 2-3 times a month after a very active day. |
| 7–10 years | 1. Entering school. 2. Difficulties in mastering the program. 3. Relationships with peers, teachers, parents. | The child worries about tomorrow or gets upset because of failures. At 7–8 years old, children’s rhythm of life and circle of acquaintances changes. This brings up a lot of emotions. | Occasionally. |
| 11–12 years old | 1. Hormonal changes. | The teenager cannot fall asleep for a long time, often wakes up at night in anxiety, thinking about the day. | Phobias occur periodically over several years. By the age of 14–15, the nervous system calms down. |
On a note! Dr. Komarovsky considers night terrors in children from 3 to 9 years old to be normal if they do not constantly exhaust the child and parents. He advises you to seek help from a psychotherapist if nightmares and hysterics intensify and become more frequent; any non-drug methods of calming and training to sleep separately do not help.
How to understand that the fear of the dark has developed into nyctophobia
Nyctophobia What to know about nyctophobia is the same fear of the dark, but irrational and very pronounced. That is, a person has no objective reason to be afraid, and yet he experiences intense and inexplicable fear.
Normal fear of the dark usually passes quickly: as people grow older, they learn to cope with it and understand when there are real reasons to be afraid and when not. Nyctophobia does not disappear on its own, it manifests itself acutely and can prevent a person from living a full life.
In this condition, several more symptoms may be added to the standard manifestations of fear. What to know about nyctophobia:
- severe and prolonged anxiety;
- panic attacks;
- insomnia;
- giving up social interactions, work, or hobbies if they require facing darkness.
For example, due to fear, a person may feel uneasy when he enters a dark alley, hears an incomprehensible rustling sound in the middle of the night, or walks through an unlit corridor after watching a horror movie. But at the same time he is able to cope with his experiences.
If a fear has developed into a phobia, emotions overwhelm a person so much that he may experience a panic attack when he sees that the night light has gone out. Or refuse to go to an important event because you will have to go out onto a dark street.
Only a doctor can identify nyctophobia. Psychiatrists classify this condition as a specific phobia in the DSM-5 Diagnostic Criteria for a Specific Phobia.
How to get rid of fear
If a child is afraid to fall asleep in his crib, parents need to become more attentive to the baby.
Ask your three-year-old why he is afraid to sleep alone, what worries him. Make a daily schedule and follow it strictly. Don't fall for childish tricks.
To solve the problem, you need to eliminate the cause of fears and arrange for the baby to sleep in a separate room. Pity and laziness are inappropriate here. Staying in a separate bed without a mother, in the nursery all night, is an important stage in raising a full-fledged personality. Otherwise, your son or daughter will grow up soft-bodied, indecisive, and mumble.
Causes
The causes of such a disorder can be obvious factors, as well as sometimes the most unexpected events in life. The disease can develop in early childhood. Many adults tell kids: “Calm down, otherwise I’ll leave you here and go away.” It seems like a harmless phrase that can stop a child’s hysteria. But it is precisely this that can become the first building block in the formation of that very fear of abandonment. At an older age, the impetus for the development of a phobia can be a breakup of a relationship or the death of loved ones.
It is very difficult to clearly determine why a person began to fear loneliness. But we can still identify the most common reasons:
Advice from psychologists
Recommendations from psychologists are aimed at creating a comfortable emotional environment for going to bed and overcoming fear, which is provoked by the child’s wild imagination.
Make friends with fears and monsters from dreams
Let him draw the monsters that live under his crib. Or make figures from plasticine. Play, give them names. But come up with entertainment where the monsters have positive roles.
Create a bedtime ritual
It could be a book, a lullaby or 100 kisses on the cheeks. The ritual may take a long time, but at this moment the child will receive maximum attention from you. You cannot skip the discussed method of going to bed for a single day. If the little one fell asleep in bed and came into the parent’s bedroom at night, you need to return the baby to the nursery and repeat the ritual.
Create a positive image for the night
Explain that he must sleep in a separate bed, because magic awaits him, a night fairy with a gift. In the morning, place a small surprise under your pillow.
Discuss tomorrow before going to bed
The child should fall asleep sooner so that morning comes faster. Talk about how you have a busy day tomorrow: going to the cinema, visiting, going to the playground, tasting ice cream. But in the morning, don’t give up on your plans, you need to keep your promises.
Appoint a night guard
A child's sleep near the bed can be protected by a teddy bear, soldiers, or a doll. Place the toy in the bed or next to the door. Discuss the story with your preschooler, and let him nominate his own defenders every night.
Change your child's interests in games and cartoons
You can’t just ban viewing or entertainment; you need to offer more interesting entertainment options that are safe for the psyche.
On a note! For sound sleep, the temperature in the bedroom is very important. Air heated to 18–22°C is considered comfortable. In winter, ventilate the room before going to bed, and in summer, turn on the air conditioner.
Advice from pediatricians
Sleep disturbances and anxiety in the baby in the evening are easily explained by mental, emotional and physical overexcitement. Small children do not notice that they are tired, they resist going to bed, but in fact they have been in need of rest for a long time. As a result, the baby becomes capricious, demands his mother in his bed, and going to bed turns into a scandal.
To avoid conflicts and hysterics, pediatricians recommend the following:
- Monitor bedtime and playtime in young children.
- Spend active time 1-2 hours before bedtime.
- Follow a daily routine on weekdays and weekends. You can discuss bedtime with school-age children.
- If your child is hyperactive, enroll him in a sports section, but do not attend training 1 hour before bedtime.
Question from parents! Is it necessary to treat a child if he is afraid to fall asleep alone? Children need medical help if anxiety and phobias plague the child night and day for a long time. Seek advice from a psychiatrist, pediatrician or neurologist.
Diagnosis of a phobia
The main method of diagnosis is a personal conversation with restoration of the full picture of the disease. It is necessary to tell a psychiatrist or psychotherapist how you feel before going to bed, describe your physical well-being and emotions. If the fear is caused by nightmares, it can be very difficult to reconstruct its root cause. Therefore, the doctor will look for any traumatic moments that are, in one way or another, related to sleep.
Many experts believe that yoga and meditation are good additions to therapy. A person learns to control his body and relax. Accompanied by aromatherapy and pleasant music, this method has a strong relaxing effect. Any hobby can be the key to getting rid of fear. Thoughts are busy with some interesting thing, attention is concentrated on a new object, there is less and less room for worry and anxiety. Long walks and physical exercise in the fresh air have a good effect on both physical health and emotional background, which has a beneficial effect on a hypnophobe.
And, of course, as with any mental disorder, personal attitude plays a huge role in getting rid of a phobia. You need to look to the future with optimism, believe in your own strengths and capabilities, then any fear will remain in the past.
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Advice from experienced parents
The following measures will help relieve fear:
- Stay close to your kindergarten-aged child all evening. Don't take him to grandma's or to visit him after kindergarten. It is important for the baby to feel your love and receive a sufficient portion of attention.
- Buy a book to read in bed. Don't get these fairy tales during the day. Read 1-2 pages before bed.
- If a child is scared by the emptiness under the bed, place a box with books and toys there.
- Stay close until you fall asleep completely for a couple of days, then you can talk or watch TV in the next room. The main thing is that the baby feels your presence in the apartment.
- To wean yourself from sleeping with light on, buy the dimmest nightlight. Turn it on before leaving the children's room. After the baby is fast asleep, turn it off and leave the baby in the dark.
- Equip the children's room with comfortable furniture and come up with a bright, positive interior. The child must have a desire to spend the night in a separate room. You can create an intrigue in advance, a couple of weeks before moving into the nursery: tell the baby that a surprise awaits you, and redecorate the bedroom.
- Leave the nursery door open all night.
- Put the youngest child to sleep in the same room as the older ones.
A shared nursery promotes the development of friendly, trusting relationships between brothers and sisters. Older children will be more responsible and independent.
This is interesting! According to research by physiologists and psychologists, children begin to feel real fear when they develop fantasy and imagination. Boys become fearful at 3 years old, and girls at 4 years old.
Treatment of autophobia
Of course, the fear of loneliness can be overcome. And this needs to be done as soon as possible. As soon as a disorder has been identified, you need to seek help. It is very difficult to get rid of phobias, especially of this kind, on your own. The best medicine in this case is the support of loved ones. Tips on how to get rid of autophobia:
- At the first manifestations of a phobia, a person needs to realize that it is not always possible to constantly communicate with people. Loneliness is normal.
- In order not to feel the full burden of this phenomenon, you just need to find something to do - a job, a hobby, or do household chores.
- A visit to a psychologist will help cope with anxiety and prevent it from developing into a more complex disease.
- You need to find some time for yourself in your life to break out of your daily routine. You can spend it in different ways: go to a store or cafe, meet friends, visit your family. In addition, this will additionally distract a person from gloomy thoughts about loneliness.
Psychotherapeutic approaches are based on searching for possible irritants - the causes of fear. Group classes are considered the most effective for autophobes. An awareness is developed that the patient is an independent person.
At the late stage of identifying and treating the disorder, a medication approach is used. The patient is prescribed antidepressants, sedatives and stimulants.
If you start treatment on time, autophobia will soon be left with only memories. This will not only preserve nerve cells and establish healthy relationships, but also eliminate the danger looming over a person’s life.
- social phobia - fear of society, pathological anxiety in front of various social situations;
- perform professional activities - ergophobia;
- blushing in public is erythrophobia.
- Dentophobia - fear of the dentist;
- autophobia - fear of loneliness;
- gerontophobia - fear/dislike of older people;
- mysophobia - fear of pollution;
- erythrophobia - fear of blushing.
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