Fear of sex - how to deal with it. Part 2

This article will be useful to anyone who has encountered fears in intimate relationships and wants to overcome them.

Fears in the sexual sphere can lead to anorgasmia, premature ejaculation, inability to enter into relationships, loneliness, depression and even suicide attempts.

The most common fears are:

• fear of not conforming to cultural or social norms
• fear of rejection
• fear of violence
• fear of the unknown
• fear of having sex and not meeting the other's expectations

Fear of cultural inadequacy

A client who professed Islam approached me. She complained of depressed mood and anxiety. The client studied at the university, was successful, worked, and maintained a good relationship with her parents.

I worked with her feelings and beliefs using cognitive behavioral and art therapy approaches, which can quickly bring about improvement in situations like this. There was no result.

I was already thinking about recommending medical help, when the client admitted that she had fallen in love with a young man of a different religion, that she was experiencing strong sexual attraction, but suppressed it within herself, was ashamed and afraid. She felt confused because she did not want to give up her faith and was sure that the young man would not accept her religion. She didn't know what to do.

We carefully analyzed the internal conflict, talked for a long time about her personality, values, and ideas about happiness. This helped her make a decision.

First experience ↑

Fear of losing virginity is a fairly common phobia. Not only girls, but also young boys suffer from it.

What girls are afraid of:

• For the fair half of humanity, fear of first sex is caused by objective reasons - physical pain, fear of getting pregnant, fear of being abandoned by a man.
• Girls may be raised too strictly, and in addition to the fear of physical pain, there is added torment over the condemnation of their parents. Sex is seen as a dirty and base process that carries more negativity than positive emotions.

What guys are afraid of:

• A young man is most often afraid of “losing his face” before having sexual intercourse with a woman for the first time.
• The fear that an erection will suddenly weaken or ejaculate too quickly causes many men to avoid women.
• They are afraid of not satisfying their partner, of disappointing her.

A trusting and deep relationship with a loved one will help you get rid of the fear of sex. Girls especially should not rush to lose their virginity. It's better to do it too late than too early.

Guys who avoid intimacy with real partners need to increase their self-esteem and get rid of psychological problems.

Fear of sex - fear of not conforming to social stereotypes

The Internet and popular culture offer countless stereotypes that have nothing to do with reality:

• “sex should last thirty minutes - no more and no less”
• “my body should be 90-60-90 to be attractive”
• “many sexual partners are the key to one’s own attractiveness”

In the recent film “I'm Losing Weight,” a young man breaks off a relationship because of a girl's appearance, finds the “ideal of sexuality,” but ultimately loses love. And the heroine, through working on her body, comes to her real self, to the feelings that were hidden in the depths. She meets her fears and ultimately becomes herself, free from the opinions of others.

How to increase self-esteem

Genophobia: the essence and symptoms of the disorder

It should be pointed out that fear as such is a natural and normal reaction of a healthy body. However, the biological nature of a living creature does not imply and rejects the presence of fear of sex. Fear of sexual intercourse is not a protective “idea” of nature. Genophobia is an irrational, groundless, inexplicable fear without any basis.

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However, such a disorder exists, and fear of intimacy in varying degrees of severity is inherent in almost 15% of the world's inhabitants. And this indicator only reflects the number of people who overcame their shame and shared their existing problem with doctors. How many people actually experience an obsessive and uncontrollable fear of sex - science does not know for sure.

Genophobia is a rather peculiar phenomenon. This term refers to various abnormal conditions associated with a person’s sexual life. This disorder may manifest itself as an exaggerated fear of engaging in sexual relations for the first time. This phenomenon is most often characteristic of young girls who have no previous experience of intimate contacts.

Genophobia can also manifest itself as a gigantic fear of sexual life in general. A man or woman suffering from this type of disorder has usually had sexual experience. But due to some conscious or completely ununderstood circumstances, they are seized with panic horror at the mere thought of potentially possible sexual intercourse.

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A feature of genophobia is the conditions for the emergence of obsessive fear. Panic anxiety affects a person not only directly when meeting a representative of the opposite sex. The phobia “rewards” the person with painful suffering when she hears any talk about sex, sees scenes of intimate meetings on television, or reads stories describing intimacy. Panic horror paralyzes the sick subject when he has thoughts about the upcoming “bed” continuation of the relationship with a cute and beloved partner. Such an individual may wake up in a cold sweat if scenes of intimacy appear in his dreams. Genophobia is a strange phenomenon also because a sick person may experience tender, fiery feelings for his chosen one, but he cannot decide on the logical continuation of a love relationship because of overwhelming and uncontrollable fear.

Genophobia not only complicates a person’s life and does not give the opportunity to experience all the beauty of being on earth. An obsessive fear of intimate life prevents normal relationships with the opposite sex, does not allow you to start a family and have descendants. Genophobia often deprives a person of the meaning of life and forces him to think about the meaninglessness of existence, causing the patient to contemplate suicide.

Another danger of this disorder is that the pathological fear of sexual activity cannot be overcome independently by using willpower. The fear of sex is firmly rooted in the subconscious of the individual, and, as we know, a person is not given the ability to consciously and purposefully control the processes occurring in this layer of the psyche.
That is why, in order to eliminate the fear of sex and return a person to a normal existence, it is necessary to consult a doctor in a timely manner.

Fear of violence

A client who experienced sexual abuse many years ago was unable to open up and trust the partner she had fallen in love with. She couldn’t find the strength to talk about it, because there was pain and unshed tears inside. She was unconsciously afraid of repetition.

How to overcome your fear of sex? In such a situation, a soft, delicate conversation, psychotherapy, and work with psychological trauma and its consequences are useful. A person must form the position “you can’t do this with me”, “I can protect myself” - allow yourself to get angry, express emotions, recognize your own value, realize your own psychological resources.

Fear of sex and its causes

psychological trauma received at an early age .

This could be violence committed against a child or seeing a sex scene that caused shock , as well as a suggestion from parents or other adults that sex is an obscene, shameful activity that can only be done after a stamp in the passport.

Experience is the son of difficult mistakes...

Fear of sex can develop from memories of past bad experiences and often haunt girls, preventing them from starting new ones.
Important! Often the first sex is not entirely pleasant - painful, awkward, uncomfortable - and the memory of this makes you dwell on the negative and does not allow you to enjoy the process.
Panic over repeating past mistakes cannot force girls to engage in sexual intercourse.

Rudeness and unpleasant words spoken by a man during a quarrel or in a fit of anger about inability in bed can also cause a psychological block before sexual intercourse.

Complexes and self-doubt

Girls often have complexes about their appearance - imperfect figure, cellulite, wrinkles, stretch marks and other imperfections . Sometimes a girl is so fixated on the fact that her partner will notice all the “imperfections” of her figure that she cannot proceed directly to sex. Girls are also afraid of disappointing a man, becoming a terrible mistress and a “log” in bed.

Fear of pregnancy

Despite the many methods of contraception, they still sometimes fail. Therefore, many girls are afraid of getting pregnant after one sexual intercourse. This fear is mainly born from the fact that you don’t trust your partner or don’t know him yet.

Rape

This terrible humiliation cannot be without consequences. As soon as a young man touches a girl, all the details of the rape appear before the eyes of the unfortunate woman, and sex, of course, becomes impossible.

Fear of trying new things

In couples with experience, sex becomes less frequent and sensations become dull. Take a closer look - do you know everything about your partner? It is important to experiment, imagine and implement. Couples who live new experiences together (travel, meet new people, engage in creative activities) are more satisfied with their life together.

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Signs of fear of intimacy

Persons suffering from fear of intimacy, instead of joy from intimacy, feel an increase in anxiety and panic. Emotional coldness syndrome is often confused with female modesty or feigned indifference in order to evoke even greater desire in a partner. Fear of intimacy can occur in both men and women. A phobia can be recognized by the following symptoms:

• choice in favor of loneliness: the lack of intimacy in relationships is compensated by immersion in other areas of life (career, hobbies);
• deep emotional relationships are replaced by numerous superficial connections;
• avoidance of making serious commitments in relationships;
• if a marriage is concluded, then the behavior in it is purely formal: the intimate phobe keeps the partner at a “safe” distance, avoids conversations on personal topics, has sex without emotional involvement;
• if the connection deepens beyond a comfortable level, initiating a quarrel with the goal of a temporary or permanent break.

Fear of not living up to another's expectations (expectation of sexual failure syndrome)

A young married couple came to the reception. They complained about misunderstandings, conflicts, and dissatisfaction with sex.

It turned out that each partner is focused on the ideal image of the other, which lives in his head. He more often mentally communicates with a virtual copy of his partner than with him himself, and answers questions for him as he imagines. The woman wanted more stimulation of the clitoris and did not like the taste of sperm during oral sex, but she was afraid to say so, so as not to offend the man. The man sought to ensure “dynamics”, not really feeling what he wanted.

Don’t be afraid to be “uncomfortable” for others, that’s the only way you will become yourself.

Women's fears4

It is completely in vain that many people associate a woman’s reluctance to share a marital bed with her husband with fatigue, whims, or even frigidity. It turns out that almost a third of sexually mature women are simply afraid of sexual contact. Experts call such female fears “erotophobia.”

In it, however, as in the appearance of any other phobias, it is all to blame for the subconscious, experienced psychological trauma, which to one degree or another was associated with sex. In some cases, inexperienced girls may avoid sex solely because people simply tend to be afraid of everything unknown. This fear goes away immediately after the young “coward” finds herself in the hands of a skilled and experienced partner for the first time.

If the fear of stress accompanies a woman into adulthood, it is considered abnormal, indicating the presence in the person’s subconscious of negative attitudes that assure her that sex life is humiliating, shameful and can only bring pain. Such formulations can be caused by numerous circumstances. Of course, the moment of loss of virginity occupies the palm here, especially if it was accompanied by particularly painful sensations. Such a bad experience can forever cement the association between the words “sex” and “pain,” and it is they that lead to the fear of sex.

Rape has an equally detrimental effect on attitudes towards sex. Severe humiliating stress is remembered for a long time, and such psychological trauma can accompany a woman throughout her life. Only an experienced psychologist can save a woman from the severe consequences of rape. It is very difficult to force the subconscious not to include memories of a terrible event with every male touch, even if it is filled with extraordinary tenderness and affection.

When discussing how fear of sex appears, we cannot ignore the characteristics of children’s upbringing. Even parents who are not puzzled by excessive asceticism or fanatical faith try to instill in girls the idea that sex is not one of the “good” activities. In most cases, they do this because they are afraid that their daughter will become sexually active too early. But it also happens that the mother or grandmother simply never enjoyed their intimate life. So it’s not surprising what good things they can pass on to their heirs in this case.

There are also cases (they can be considered exceptional) when the father interferes in his daughter’s sex education, with the same talk that sex is bad. To some extent, they can even be understood, because they are simply, on a subconscious level, jealous of their brainchild for a stranger.

By and large, regardless of which parent instilled in the child thoughts about the shamefulness of sex, the fact remains that sex becomes a threatening factor for an older woman. Such ladies, even after marriage, tend to minimize the fulfillment of marital duty. Ideally, it would be for them to copulate only a few times in their lives, and then only to produce the planned number of children.

We must not forget that the fear of sex will never leave a woman if her sexual contacts are accompanied by rudeness. Hurtful words casually thrown at her are also dangerous:

• You can't do anything in bed;
• You are like a log;
• How disgusting it is to sleep with you.

After some time, a man may completely forget about the words uttered in anger, but a woman will remember them for many months, and sometimes even years. Here, a man is in no way saved by justifying his actions with anger or a bad mood.

After such words, she begins to feel humiliated and useless to anyone, so, along with the fear of discovering cellulite in front of her husband from nowhere, a fear of sex in all its manifestations appears.

How to get rid of fear of sex

1. Discuss fears openly with your partner.
2. If you're hesitant to discuss it with your partner, talk to a close friend or counselor first.
3. Love and accept your body. Masturbation is normal!
4. Study your body. How can my partner guess what I like in sex if I don’t know it myself?
5. Find out the other person's feelings about sex and share yours. Your partner won’t be able to get into your head, and you won’t be able to get into his.
6. Share your sexual fantasies with each other.
7. Adjust your beliefs, be flexible. Sex is normal, necessary, beautiful and healthy.
8. Accept your aggression, the desire to possess others.
9. Be yourself. Explore yourself, trust yourself. Respect the rules and norms of society and choose what makes you happy.

How to overcome panic and anxiety ↑

And yet, how to cope with the fear that fetters the mind and body? If sexual phobias are obsessive in nature and interfere with a peaceful life, you can first try to cope with them on your own.

The following methods will help you overcome fear:

• deep introspection and reflection on the causes of fear;
• focusing on the positive aspects of sex life;
• establishing a trusting relationship with a partner, talking through problems and contraceptive issues;
• creating a relaxing environment before intimacy;
• increasing self-esteem independently or through training;
• studying books on sexology.

Can't take your mind off your thoughts about your baby even for a minute? Read all about parents' fears for their children. What is the cause of fear of rejection? Read here.

Read the article about the fear of punishment for a mistake and methods of getting rid of it.

If you still have a fear of sex, it is wise to turn to specialists; you should not put off a happy intimate life until later. A sex therapist or psychologist will be able to diagnose the problem and select the optimal treatment option.

Sex is an important area of ​​human life, the basis of a harmonious family union, so there is no need to hush up problems. A fulfilling sex life is possible if partners trust each other and do not hesitate to talk about their phobias.

Why am I afraid of relationships?

There may be several reasons to be afraid of relationships. Traumatic experiences from the past can negatively affect new acquaintances. If your previous relationship was toxic and you were humiliated by your partner, you will find it much more difficult to enter into a new relationship because you will carry in your memory the negative emotions associated with the previous difficult relationship filled with negative emotions. What to do in such a situation?

We must definitely learn again what trust is. Fear of love can ruin even a promising relationship, which is why it's important to define your expectations and needs. You won't build valuable relationships on lies and uncertainty.

How to overcome a phobia ↑

It is possible to overcome the fear of intimacy by following these procedures:

1. Transfer fear to paper

If there is no opportunity (or desire) to talk with loved ones, you should work with the fear of intimacy using a sheet of paper on which all the features of the manifestations of fear of intimacy are recorded in detail. You have to write as if you were opening your soul to your best friend.

But you can make it even simpler - draw your fear of intimacy. All this will allow you to get rid of internal tension and initiate positive emotions.

The procedure can be repeated any number of times until a positive result is achieved (a decrease in the magnitude of fear or until it disappears).

2. Work on self-esteem

The goal is to feel like a full and complete person. “Say goodbye to distortions in your perception of yourself” - this technique is focused on working through negative thoughts and prejudices about yourself.

We must remember situations where a person felt complete confidence in his abilities and most positively assessed himself, his own behavior, as well as people who gave high marks to the person and praised him.

As soon as uncertainty and a negative assessment of oneself arise, it is necessary to say goodbye to them and focus on the positive situations and manifestations recalled in memory.

3. Direct “meeting” with fear

A person must “go through” what scares him. The more he resists and avoids situations and events that frighten him, the stronger the fear. The main motto should be: “Do what you fear most.” And you need to analyze every detail of the situation (you can do it as in point 1).

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A special personal position will help to overcome the fear of intimacy, including the following:

• awareness and perception that in a situation of close relationships, a person tends to hide from emotions behind a wall of coldness;
• complete silence is not the best way to control one’s emotional state; interaction with other people can bring personal benefits to a person;
• we need to pay special attention to situations when you want to hide and realize whether this is really necessary or is an automatic uncontrollable reaction;
• it is necessary to interact with your partner in a special way: talk about cases of discomfort in close relationships, the desire to avoid certain situations, etc.

Often the fear of intimacy continues throughout the entire period of a person’s life. The root of the problem is hidden behind traumas received in unsuccessful relationships: with parents - in early childhood or later; with other people - when intimate relationships are broken with subsequent disappointments, resentments and wounded pride.

It is important to make timely attempts to combat intimate phobia.

How does coitophobia manifest?

It is not always possible to notice the symptoms of a phobia with the naked eye, unless a person, of course, openly says “I’m afraid of sex.” But there are points that cannot be ignored. A clear sign is a complete rejection of sex and mentions of it, which is called erotophobia. Sexual relations bring fear to such a person, and he himself will not understand why.

Also a sign of a phobia is promiscuity, when a person is afraid to build trusting, strong relationships, but for some reason cannot cope with the desire for sex. This is intimate phobia, in which losing virginity is not scary, but building normal relationships is scary.

“I’m afraid of first sex” can be said by a person whose phobia is accompanied by excessive concern about some defect or feature of the body. Sometimes there is the influence of gymnophobia - fear of nudity and fear of the touch of other people.

Sexual phobias are accompanied by a feeling of panic, fear, and very strong horror. Physiological manifestations may include shortness of breath, trembling, rapid heart rate, and excessive sweating. People who admit “I’m afraid of losing their virginity” can often limit themselves not only in intimate relationships, but also in any contacts with people around them.

Rape trauma syndrome

Rape is a fundamental violation of the body and mind of the victim. After rape, virtually all survivors experience intense psychological reactions. While not everyone reacts the same way, most people follow a poorly structured three-step path. One way of thinking about the journey from acute trauma to reorganization and finally resolution is known as rape trauma syndrome. As with post-traumatic stress disorder, rape trauma syndrome significantly increases the risk of developing poor mental health. Phobias most often occur during the reorganization phase as survivors try to rebuild their lives, although they can develop at any time. The journey through rape trauma syndrome is very personal and can take months to years to fully resolve.

Treatment

Countertophobia is a complex disorder that requires specialist intervention. The patient turns to a psychiatrist or sexologist. Of course, he won’t say: “I have contraphobia, please help me.” But it is within his power to point out oddities in behavior. If the case is advanced, it is necessary to convince the patient of the advisability of treatment.

Initially, the specialist determines the cause of the disorder. The treatment tactics depend on it. If the cause of the phobia was a case of violence, then one should understand the structure of the agraphobe’s fear. The patient retains a negative emotional charge: thoughts, feelings accompanying memories of the trauma.

The psychotherapist eliminates emotional stress using various techniques: psychoanalysis, cognitive behavioral therapy.

But there is also bodily memory. This is the strongest tension in the body, from the heels to the top, constraining, paralyzing, which a person experiences when remembering a traumatic experience. Body memory is eliminated through hypnosis, body-oriented therapy.

Only through complex psychotherapy is it possible to free a person from negative memories and instill in him a new model of behavior, thus relieving him of the disorder.

Coitophobia in men

It’s not just a girl who can say “I’m afraid for the first time.” And if in women the fear of sex can be associated with physical problems, then in men sexual phobias lie in psychological problems.

• The cause of coitophobia can be improper upbringing in the family, when the despot mother terrorizes the child, and when he grows up, due to the fear of being absorbed, sexophobia is formed.
• Often men are afraid of sexual intercourse due to the fear that nothing will work out in sex, which will lead to ridicule of his penis and humiliation. Every guy has this fear at some point, but most men can overcome it. Erophobia is especially strong if there has already been failure in sex in the past. This greatly affects a guy's self-esteem, but does not affect his desire to have sex. That is, he thinks “I want sex, but I’m afraid.”
• Low self-esteem in a guy is also the cause of phobia before sex. A man may think that a woman is too good for him, too smart and beautiful, and that he is too bad for her and will not be able to satisfy her. And this “I’m afraid” spoils his entire personal life.
• Another cause of coitophobia is fear of blood. A man is afraid to have sex during the menstrual cycle because of disgust. Some people consider sex during menstruation unaesthetic, while others are simply afraid of blood. Then sexual relations may be incomplete.
• Fear of sex may be associated with fear of virginity. If girls are afraid of pain, then guys are afraid of the girl’s reaction to his body movements. They are afraid of causing the girl pain and discomfort, which is why sexphobia arises. So you shouldn’t twirl your finger at your temple when you hear a guy say “I’m afraid of losing my virginity,” even though losing my virginity is physically painful only for women.