Jealousy and human psychology, signs and causes of jealousy

Yulia Doroshenko, psychologist and sexologist, explains .

— Jealousy is a “Molotov cocktail” of emotions, one of the few passions that has survived technological progress.

Where does it come from? We become attached to both people and things that make us happy. But we are not used to expressing this, because it is considered ugly! And then jealousy comes into the picture. It is based on a damaged sense of self-esteem.

Moreover, for someone who is jealous, it does not matter much whether the reason is true or imaginary. Our brain doesn't see the difference when emotions are connected. Added to this is a feeling of abandonment and loneliness.

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“They chose me over someone else,” the woman thinks. This is followed by fear, disgust, and despair. These stages pass very quickly, overshadowed by anger and rage.

It’s hard for both those who are jealous themselves and those who have to live with a jealous person. On the one hand, a jealous partner will fill your shared existence with bright colors - no worse than in a love story. On the other hand, some people cannot cope with feelings to such an extent that they commit crimes motivated by jealousy. If your partner is very jealous, it means that all the hidden reasons for jealousy have come together (unless, of course, you cheated).

What to do? You need to spend a lot of time building trust in a couple and developing a strategy for dealing with scenes of jealousy. And, of course, find tactics to avoid outbreaks. For example, you can call your husband more often if you go somewhere alone, ask for advice on where it is better to go with your girlfriends or which store to go to for clothes, so that the jealous man is aware of your affairs. The main thing is that this relationship is worth such efforts.

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Jealousy in psychology

From the point of view of psychotherapy, jealousy is seen as a fear of loss and a painful desire to retain some benefit.

For example, in the explanatory dictionary D.N. Ushinsky defines jealousy as a combination of the following complex experiences:

passionate doubt about the fidelity of a lover or beloved;
lack of self-confidence and fear of being a less advantageous option compared to another potential partner;
excessive diligence, zeal, zeal.

The feeling of jealousy is very close in definition to envy and is divided into love, children's, national, sports and creative.

In all cases, jealousy is considered not as an independent phenomenon, but as one of the components of the feeling of love, when one or both lovers experience uncertainty about the future and their own significance for the chosen one.

In addition, jealousy can arise in people with possessiveness syndrome, as a pathological desire to control all aspects of their partner's life.

And there is also such a definition as “an attitude of jealousy.” This is internal tension and a person’s readiness for the worst outcome of a relationship (treason, betrayal) even when nothing portends trouble. Often, children who have experienced a parental divorce and people who have gone through a painful separation or divorce have this attitude.

How to deal with jealousy

There is only one universal advice about relationships - understand the problem in detail, go to a psychologist, discuss, observe, analyze, and work through childhood traumas. That is, as always, there are no simple recipes for relationships; you need a lot of work on yourself.

For example, a psychologist may say that to solve a problem with jealousy, you need to share your feelings with your partner: “I value the fact that you are afraid of losing me. But when you go into my phone, I feel like you don't trust me. Let's agree that the next time you get jealous of me, we'll discuss it. Let’s not check my social networks.” In the case of behavioral jealousy, this may work. But if a person is dealing with a clinical jealous person, he needs to get out of a potentially dangerous relationship rather than try to negotiate. In the case of clinical jealousy, you cannot do without a specialist.

Happinnes exists

Happiness can be different, sometimes it is a delicious dinner in a warm company, and sometimes it is your own apartment, to which it is pleasant to invite guests.
If you want one, come to the Airplane. Look at this happiness

Jealous - what does it mean?

To experience jealousy means to experience a whole range of contradictory feelings at the same time:

Doubt yourself : about your competitiveness, about your ability to find someone else if you lose. A person with low self-esteem needs constant attention and overcompensation for lost emotions. He needs his partner to experience the same dependence on the relationship as he does.
Fear : loneliness, loss, uncertainty, being used.
Be proud : believe that no one has the right to deceive, betray, leave and somehow infringe on rights and shake the comfort zone.
Envy : the person receiving more attention, feeling left out.
Show selfishness : putting your wants and needs first, regardless of the circumstances. Take and demand without giving anything in return.

Zealous pride is closely intertwined with the fear of losing status and falling in one's own eyes. Undesirable behavior of a partner is perceived as an infringement of one’s own rights and boundaries.

Jealousy - what is it?

To put it simply, jealousy is our fears. Fear. What exactly? Of what might happen.

Fear that a man will cheat and leave. And this condition prevents you from giving a man love and care. Fear prevents you from enjoying life and enjoying every moment.

And it’s as if the girl wants the same thing from a man at the same time (tenderness, trust, love, acceptance), but she herself cannot provide this to him. He arranges checks, always suspects, does not believe a single word.

And then the question arises: why does a man cheat? Indeed, why is he looking for what his woman does not give him, since she is too busy with suspicions and surveillance?

We are not trying to justify men at all. We just want to explain what often happens in many families and couples. Understand and accept, it's easy.

Types of jealousy. We look at the problem from different angles

In addition to the main concept, the psychology of jealousy is divided into four subsections:

Jealousy reversed . Simply put, a jealous person judges by himself: it is not difficult for him to hide his infidelities from his wife, and at the same time he is tormented by the obsessive thought that they could do the same to him.
Instilled jealousy . Jealous people of this kind grow up from children of nervous and unfaithful parents/single-parent families. Since the child has no other reference point for relationships, he takes them for granted and remembers that all men are unreliable (all women are flighty). And this problem is also common to people who grew up under the yoke of an oppressive parent. For example, a girl who spent her entire childhood listening to phrases from her mother in the spirit of: “all men need only one thing from you” will not be able to fully trust any partner.
Jealousy of an “adult woman” . A woman over 40 often begins to feel faded and uninteresting compared to fit twenty-year-old girls. At the same time, her male peer, on the contrary, feels more experienced and respectable, compared to penniless young students. So it turns out that the wife begins to live in a convulsive and jealous expectation that her husband, whose “gray hair will hit him in the head, and the devil in his ribs,” will find her a young replacement.
Jealousy is justified . This type of jealousy is synonymous with a broken heart. It so happens that people live together happily ever after, in mutual respect and comfort, until one of the spouses meets new love. No one is immune from this. It’s good if the partner, whose feelings have cooled, says so directly and does not lead a double life.

Types of jealousy

From a psychological point of view, jealousy, depending on its causes and manifestations, can be divided into 4 types.

Converted. This type is characteristic of a lover who cheats on his partner and considers his act to be the norm. He clearly understands that it is easy to face betrayal, so he is jealous of the person in advance.

Vaccinated. One of the partners is sure that jealousy is a normal feeling. Conviction is often based on the example of parents who were unable to save their marriage due to the infidelity of one of the partners. It is possible that the child was present during the scandals and grew up in a single-parent family. There is also a high probability that in childhood a person faced pressure from his father or mother. For example, a mother left her husband and child and preferred another person. And the father repeats to his son all his life that women are the same, they cannot be trusted.

An adult woman. When a lady notices the first signs of fading, she experiences serious stress, and if a young and pretty girl appears in her field of vision, not the best qualities of the spouse appear. The spouse adds fuel to the fire - often aging men try to impress young ladies in order to assert themselves, increase confidence in their charm, and gain emotions.

Reasonable. Develops as a result of the collapse of hope for a happy family. One of the spouses has found a different love, but does not dare to openly tell their partner about it. The second spouse understands that the marriage is over, but cannot let go of his loved one. Since no one wants to openly admit the fact of the destruction of the family hearth, the partners lead a double life. For one it means being jealous, for the other it means constantly lying.

Read more: What are karmic relationships and how to recognize them

To gain confidence, you need to find out if there is a reason for fear.

Normal or pathological?

Popular love dramas impose on young viewers the idea “if there is jealousy, then there are feelings.” This is a rather controversial statement, which, due to excessive romanticization, drives people into abusive relationships with pathological jealous people.

Abuse is a psychological term denoting a relationship where one of the partners exerts moral (and sometimes physical) pressure on the other. Manipulates, abusing his own position.

Jealousy is understandable and normal within reasonable limits, and if there are specific reasons. If the reason for a scandal is a five-minute delay from work, a harmless conversation with a colleague, or a fleeting glance from a passerby, this is already a pathology.

And there is also the so-called jealous delusion: when the fact of betrayal or its prospects is only in the head of the jealous person. His sick imagination and hypertrophied perception of reality makes him see betrayal where there is none. Men are most often susceptible to this type of jealousy. You might be interested in material about what it means to be a real man.

As for women, most often they are characterized by “delusions of love” of the opposite nature. It seems to a girl with such a disorder that she is desired and desired by all the men around her, and her personal object of desire is simply embarrassed to show feelings for such a popular person, which will eventually develop into imposing her own society without taking into account personal boundaries and standards of decency.

To summarize all of the above, jealousy is a pathology in cases where love is perceived by a person as a confirmation of his own importance both in the eyes of others and in his own.

A pathological jealous person is not self-sufficient and does not have stable self-esteem. If he does not receive confirmation of the love and importance of his own person in standard ways, then he begins to show jealousy or deliberately provoke a reaction from the outside.

The reasons that underlie jealousy

As a rule, several are combined

Low self-esteem. If for some reason a person comes to the conclusion that his partner preferred another, then he begins to be tormented by thoughts: “Why is this other person better than me?”, “If I were good, then he would not look at anyone else.” ..."

Internal attitude, laid down in childhood or adolescence: “You are all men/women like that.” Sometimes betrayal by a previous partner can lead to such confidence. Then the jealous person closes himself off from reality with this “red rag”, initially not allowing another option (“All men cheat”), so as not to get burned later (“I trusted him, but he…”), or even uses it to manipulate his partner, insist on your desires.

Projecting your own desire for outside sex onto your partner. How does this happen? A jealous person has a strict taboo on cheating. One’s own arousal or interest in other women (or men) is discarded, but since it is impossible to completely ignore the impulses of the soul and body, these desires are unconsciously attributed to the partner. “I want, that means you want too.” Sometimes jealousy can even manifest latent homosexuality.

Real cheating or flirting with someone else. In this case, jealousy is justified and becomes a means of protecting one’s living space. Often in a couple, the one who has been cheated on feels it very acutely, even without evidence of the partner’s “guilt” and without understanding the true reason for his experiences. After all, the attention and activity of his loved one leaves their relationship and is redirected in another direction.

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More details

Love or mistrust?

Despite the fact that jealousy goes hand in hand with love, these concepts are by no means synonymous. So how to distinguish love from mistrust? For clarity, consider the behavior of two married couples in everyday and everyday situations.

Mistrust is one of the reasons for jealousy

Example #1: At a party

The couple attends a party. The wife starts a casual conversation with one of the male guests (about the weather, the hero of the occasion, etc.). The husband also finds someone to talk to or joins the unobtrusive conversation, maintaining a friendly tone and picking up on his wife’s jokes.
The same situation: the wife starts a conversation with the man, but the husband intervenes quite abruptly in their communication. In some cases, the conflict may begin on the spot, but most often the wife will face a dissatisfied look and a scandal upon returning home.

Example No. 2. Meeting from work

The husband returns from work at the same time, but suddenly he is late without warning. His wife called him and found out what the reason was and when to heat up dinner.
The same situation: the spouse is late from work. His wife calls him at work and asks the boss what time he left his workplace. Asks his colleagues if he communicated with anyone during the working day. Upon returning home, the husband will face a scandal and a reprimand about selfishness.

Example No. 3. Personal space

Spouses enjoy spending time together: going to the cinema, attending social events or joint classes. If their interests diverge, then everyone calmly goes about their business alone or in the company of friends.
The spouses are forced to spend all their free time together, as one of them believes that this is an example of an ideal relationship. Any party's own interests and tastes are suppressed; meetings with friends in cafes and trips to football with friends are perceived as betrayal.

It is obvious that the behavior of the first couple is filled with love and trust, while the actions of the spouses of the second lack any common sense. The reasons for jealousy in all situations are far-fetched and are not determined by anything other than the desire of one of the spouses to completely capture the attention and freedom of the other.

Psychology of love and jealousy

Jealousy is definitely a negative feeling for the person who experiences it. It leads to fear, hatred, aggression, sadness, stress. Therefore, this emotion cannot be identified with love and considered an obligatory component of a relationship. By its nature, it is destructive for the jealous person, who tries to get rid of it, harming himself, his partner and potential competitors.

Are you ready to stop thinking about your problem and finally move on to real actions that will help you get rid of your problems once and for all? Then perhaps you will be interested in this article .

The basis of love is affection, the desire to spend time with a partner, to build a future together. Jealousy is born out of fear of losing it. It can arise for rational reasons - the coldness of a companion, secrets and omissions, flirting with other people of the opposite sex, reviews of mutual acquaintances about infidelity.

There is nothing bad or unnatural about such a feeling. It performs a natural protective function, saving the female from the risk of being abandoned with children, and the male from the need to raise someone else’s offspring.

Danger arises when jealousy is unreasonable and pathological. The reasons for this are complex psychological mechanisms that trigger the need to fully own a partner. The desire to become the only important person for your chosen one is destructive, and reduces the quality of relationships for the jealous person (due to the impossibility of fulfilling his demands) and the victim, who is tired of scandals and claims.

Manifestations of jealousy depend on the gender of the person. Men are domineering - they have such emotions due to the feeling of losing control over the girl. They believe the reason for this is the emergence of a competitor. The basis for women’s jealousy is a weakening of the emotional connection. If a girl is jealous, it means that she does not feel warmth and care from a guy. Women can hate and blame not only their lover for cooling their feelings, but also their girlfriends, friends, work and hobbies of their companion.

Male and female jealousy

Despite the fact that jealousy is a feeling that occurs equally in men and women, it manifests itself somewhat differently, depending on the gender of the jealous person.

Let's consider how jealousy is experienced by men and women.

Male jealousy

Psychotherapists identify four internal and external factors on which male jealousy is built:

Low self-esteem . The man believes that his girlfriend can easily find someone else who will be a better match in terms of appearance or income.
Alcohol, drug or gaming addiction . According to psychosociological studies, it has been found that men with addictions are most often terribly jealous. An unbalanced mental state forces them to seek pleasure in the adrenaline rush from various kinds of risks, including passionate swearing.
Ownership instinct . Any communication and attention from the opposite sex, or even a woman’s desire to communicate with her friends, is perceived by a man as a violation of personal boundaries.
Companion's behavior . Often, a woman herself can provoke her partner to jealousy by flirting with strangers. Sometimes both partners perceive this as a kind of erotic game, but often this only angers the jealous person more.

Female jealousy

Female jealousy is characterized by the following manifestations:

Constant vigilance . This behavior can be compared to playing private detective: the wife constantly checks her husband’s phone for new contacts, creates fake accounts on social networks to “promote” him for cheating, and controls every minute spent outside the home and work.
Filtering friends . The husband's single friends are perceived by the jealous woman as potential tempters who can introduce him to girls. Married people seem to be a threat to their usual way of life, since the spouse may see that someone runs the house better than she does.
Public showdown . Scenes of jealousy in a store, in front of children, family, visiting, on summer vacation. No norms of social behavior will stop a woman who wants to put her “presumptuous” husband in his place.
Working like a rival . When her lover stays at work even for a short time, the jealous woman already begins to imagine scenes of a stormy love affair with a colleague in her head. Sometimes the situation reaches the point of absurdity, and the woman constantly occupies an important telephone line, stopping by the office “on the way” to check what her husband is doing. If a husband has a pretty assistant or secretary working for him, then a jealous wife will definitely find a way to “drive” a potential competitor out of her workplace.

A jealous person is a vulnerable, fragile and unstable person, regardless of gender. A person can overcome his condition only through self-analysis and long work on self-control.

What kind of jealousy is there?

Jealousy can be behavioral or clinical. Behavioral is when a person is generally adequate and balanced, but may become jealous in a certain situation: for example, if a partner has become secretive or is constantly late at work. This happens in healthy relationships.

Clinical, or pathological, jealousy is a mental disorder. It is accompanied by total mistrust and results in uncontrollable aggression. In this case, the person is jealous for no reason and overreacts even to little things - for example, if the partner did not answer the call and did not call back after five minutes. Clinical jealousy does not depend on the behavior of the partner - the jealous person will come up with everything himself.

Behavioral jealousy can accumulate and develop into clinical jealousy.

How to recognize a pathological jealous person at the very beginning of a relationship? 10 sure signs

Pathological jealousy is a trait that is best identified at the stage of “candy-bouquet” courtship. This will make it easier for you to break this connection in order to protect yourself from everyday “Shakespearean passions.”

Your lover is a pathological jealous person if:

It controls all aspects of your life : who you communicate with, where you go in your free time, what you do on social networks. Moreover, control is sometimes carried out undisguisedly, under the pretext that lovers should have everything in common.
It shapes your social circle . If he doesn’t like one of your friends or girlfriends, the jealous person will persistently convince you to stop communicating or even set up a conflict.
Any deviation from the usual everyday rituals is a sign of betrayal . If your phone died at the time when it usually rings, and the conversation did not take place. If you didn’t go to the nearest grocery store, but went to a shopping center. If you smiled welcomingly at a neighbor in the stairwell whom he had never met before. Whatever the outcome, your loyalty will be questioned.
It monitors your movements throughout the day . And this is not just sweet concern and questions about how you got home - this is manic pursuit. The partner knows what route you take, what taxi service you use, where you usually get coffee, and what your work schedule is. He knows all your phones and the phones of your immediate circle in order to contact you through them if you suddenly fall out of the “access zone”.
He asks you to prove your feelings by setting an ultimatum : “Either me or your hobby!”, “What is more important to you - me or your friends?”, “If you don’t stop communicating with him, it means you don’t care about me.” If you have heard these phrases, it means you are being manipulated.
He speaks unflatteringly about all his ex-girlfriends . He, without mincing words, speaks about their character and behavior. At this point, your potential partner will most likely try to convince you that you are not like that and will definitely understand him in order to consolidate his position with your sense of self-worth.
He is not confident in himself as a partner, but does not try to change anything . By manipulating "what if" phrases, he tries to make himself look more caring, but he doesn't actually do any of that. For example: “If I had money now, I would take you to the ends of the world,” “If I earned a little more, I would give you flowers every day.” Often with these phrases he exposes himself as a captive of circumstances or a victim of the machinations of other people.
He believes that monogamy is a relic of the past . But the rule only applies to him.
Frequent and dramatic changes in mood : from screams and threats, the jealous person suddenly switches to crying and pleas for forgiveness. From insults and contempt - to appeasement with gifts and vows of eternal love.
Suicidal manipulation : threats to commit suicide in case of separation or to kill you and your new lover are another favorite lever of pressure for jealous people.

If you feel that your partner is manipulating you, and communicating with him gives you moral discomfort, end this relationship. Don't think that "true love can fix everything."

These points apply equally to both men and women. Of course, in the blossoming of a romantic relationship, jealousy can seem like a sign of intense interest or even part of a game. But what will happen later, when the relationship becomes more serious? Will you be ready to live under constant control, to think through your every gesture and spoken word?

Orthodox Life

What to do if groundless jealousy is exhausting and haunts you? Where does this feeling come from and how to get rid of it? How are jealousy and love related? And what should a person who suffers from someone else’s jealousy for no reason do? Olga Krasnikova, a psychologist and vice-rector of the Institute of Christian Psychology, answers these and other questions.

— Olga Mikhailovna, how and for what reasons does jealousy arise in a person?

- Let's immediately define the terms. In a relationship between two people, we encounter jealousy as an emotional reaction and jealousy as a feeling. There is such an expression as “a stab of jealousy.” It's about jealousy as an emotional reaction. These unpleasant pricks are always a signal to sort out relationships or yourself. Imagine the picture of a more or less healthy marital relationship: people get married because they love each other and want to be together for the rest of their lives. Such husband and wife are the only ones for each other. And the rest of the men and women become just people for them. Yes, the husband may note that this woman is attractive, and the wife that this man is pleasant, but they look at them like thousands of other attractive and pleasant people, nothing more. Therefore, there is simply no reason for jealousy here!

If there is love and harmony between spouses, it is unlikely that anyone will look elsewhere and look for some adventures for themselves. And there is hardly any reason to constantly distrust and suspect your spouse of infidelity. Of course, alas, there are exceptions to the rules, sometimes even a person in a happy marriage has crushes and infatuations. But still, these are precisely exceptional situations.

If one of the spouses experiences pangs of jealousy, this is a reason to understand the reasons. Think about it: does my jealousy have a real basis? My husband (or spouse) has lost interest in me and is really interested in another woman (man)? And if you understand that your spouse doesn’t look in any direction, that he still loves you deeply, but for some reason you were offended by how affably he communicates, for example, with his colleague on the phone, then Question for you: What causes you to experience this unpleasant jealous reaction? Do you have problems related to your self-esteem? Perhaps you felt vulnerable, or temporarily lost your sense of your own unconditional value as a person? This must definitely be dealt with.

Jealousy as an emotional reaction is an unpleasant phenomenon, but it is not difficult to cope with, and it is not necessary to immediately run to a specialist for help. If you pay attention to this signal and begin to understand its reasons, then, most likely, jealousy will no longer torment you.

But jealousy as a feeling is a long-term, deep and painful state. A person who immerses himself in it begins to have various painful thoughts, conjectures and fantasies that do not allow him to live in peace.

— Is it possible to say that jealousy as an emotional reaction is the first stage that can develop into jealousy as a feeling?

- It happens, but it doesn’t have to be. Jealousy as an emotional reaction has a specific reason. For example, a man was offended when his wife, as it seemed to him, spoke too flirtatiously to their mutual friend. This reason may be exaggerated and far-fetched, but, as a rule, it exists. But jealousy as a feeling can arise absolutely out of nowhere, when a person begins to invent something, fantasize, begins to suspect, track down, interpret completely neutral things as dangerous for himself. This is painful both for the one who is jealous and for the one who is jealous: it poisons everyone’s life and often leads to sad consequences.

— People who suffer from jealousy often come to you for consultations?

- More often than not, people come who suffer from other people’s jealousy - it’s very difficult when you are constantly suspected and watched over. And there are often cases when a person who has never cheated and never thought of leaving the family turns out to be so tormented by jealousy that he wants to run away.

- If this is a situation of groundless jealousy, then can a person do something? Or will no excuses, declarations of fidelity, or attempts to prove that there are any reasons to be jealous work?

— A person who is jealous usually can’t do much. Jealousy out of nowhere indicates that a person has psychological difficulties of a personal nature. Maybe he is not confident in himself, and therefore constantly compares himself with others. Or maybe this person himself is capable of betrayal (he has cheated before or is going to cheat) and, knowing that he himself is unfaithful, he suspects his spouse of infidelity. The most dangerous situation, in my opinion, is when constant, one might say manic, baseless jealousy is a symptom of a mental disorder or the onset of a disease. The difficulty here is that only a doctor makes a diagnosis, but jealousy is not considered a reason to consult a psychiatrist. Without starting treatment on time, the “jealous” person risks developing the disease, and the development of the disease can threaten both himself and his loved ones.

In any case, both sides suffer - the one who is jealous and tormented, and the one who is jealous, because in this situation almost nothing depends on him. There is no use making excuses or proving anything here.

If a jealous person has problems with self-esteem and with a sense of the unconditional value of his personality, there is no point in assuring him: you are my only one, I only love you - he still does not believe this, because he does not feel worthy of love.

It is difficult for him to accept, to admit that they can love him “just like that”, they can choose him as the only one who can remain faithful to him. That is, he begins to project his own inferiority complexes onto his loved one: “I don’t love myself, which means you don’t love me either.” And of course, he is afraid that at some point he will come to his senses, see all his inferiority and find himself someone better, richer, younger, kinder, smarter.

“It is clear that it is extremely difficult for a person suffering from the groundless jealousy of a spouse to live in such conditions. How to behave so as not to aggravate the situation, but, on the contrary, to help your jealous spouse cope with this problem? How can you avoid adding fuel to the fire and, through your actions, reactions, and words, not pushing towards the destruction of your marriage? What can and cannot be done under any circumstances?

— I understand that many people want a recipe, following which they hope to get a guaranteed result. But relationships are always a risk. There are no universal tips for “fixing” relationships - after all, all people are so different and the relationships between them are so different that each specific couple will have to develop their own ways of interaction. At the same time, look for the answer to the question “what should I do, what should I do?” a person will still be on his own through trial and error. If we begin to prescribe some “correct” actions, then this may prevent us from listening to ourselves and feeling our loved one. For example, I will say: “Under no circumstances show affection to a jealous person - positive emotions will reinforce his negative behavior, and he will become even more jealous in order to receive the tenderness he needs from you more often.” Logical? Yes. In some cases this may even work. But suddenly, you and your spouse personally have a situation of jealousy, where your intuition will tell you: “Come up to him, hug him silently, you both need it so much right now,” but your mind will immediately intervene: “Have you forgotten what was written in the article - no caresses?!” While reason and intuition argue, the moment will be missed, the problem will not be solved.

Or I will say: “You need to come up and kiss the jealous person so that he receives proof of your love.” And he was so rude to you that you don’t want to kiss him... but you should - the psychologist recommends it. It seems to me that instead of looking for “ready-made solutions”, you can try to trust yourself a little more - after all, we are the best experts in knowing ourselves and our loved ones.

You can ask yourself simple questions: How do I feel now, in this situation? What I want? What can I do? For what, from what I can do now, will I most likely thank myself later? What, if I do or don’t do, will I regret?

- How are jealousy and love related? Some say that jealousy is a terrible feeling that interferes with love, while others believe that jealousy is a manifestation of love and that if a person is not jealous at all, then he is a cracker.

“We have a lot of different distorted ideas about love. “Hitting means loving” - although violence has nothing to do with love. “If you feel sorry, it means you love” - although pity is not about love either. Something similar with jealousy.

I once came across an interesting phrase on the Internet: “Jealousy is not love at all, but rather the desire to have it or the fear of losing it.” But true love cannot be earned, it cannot be achieved, since it is a gift. And you can’t lose it either—it never ceases (1 Cor. 13:1–8).

As a rule, people who are jealous have distorted ideas about love. Because everything connected with comparisons, evaluation, setting conditions or “possessiveness” is not love. After all, if we love each other, if we chose each other, then where does mistrust come from? Many jealous people think that they love someone for something. And we must keep in mind that the culture of education pushes us to such a perception of love: they love the good, they love the beautiful, they love the rich. “Until I lose weight, who needs me, who will love me?”, “until I earn a certain amount, if I have a car, not this, but that, then who needs me?” This idea of conditional love often leads to jealousy.

There are other situations where jealousy is justified, since it signals that a problem is brewing in the relationship. Here the function of jealousy is to draw the spouses’ attention to the fact that something is threatening their love. For example, a wife begins to pay too much attention to her children or her mother, while her husband is neglected by her concern. Then the husband begins to be jealous - not of some hypothetical or real man, but of his own children or mother-in-law. And in such cases, the man is right, his indignation and jealousy are justified: the wife is really too carried away with motherhood or cannot separate herself from her parents.

“But it also happens that no matter how much time and attention a wife devotes to her husband, it will still not be enough for him, he will still be jealous, reproach, offended...

— Such jealousy is most likely a sign of infantilism, when an adult man behaves like a small child: mine, I won’t give it to anyone. The same thing occurs among women who begin to be jealous of their husband’s work, friends, hobbies - as if he cannot have any life of his own, and he must constantly sit next to her and fulfill her desires and whims.

In a family, it is very important to respect the right of each person to privacy, personal space, personal boundaries, personal time, personal interests. We are all different, and for some, one hour of personal time a day or several hours of solitude on a weekend is enough to feel comfortable, while others need much more time to escape from business, take a break from communication and restore their strength.

Loving people must have a sense of proportion in relation to each other and a sense of tact in matters of the other person’s personal time.

— Is it necessary to discuss and establish rules for openness or closedness of a couple’s boundaries in the early stages of a relationship?

— This concerns not only the topic of jealousy: the more young people discuss their relationships, the better they will know and understand each other. And the higher the likelihood that their choice will not be a mistake. You can, of course, not touch on the topic of relationships in your conversations, hoping that somehow everything will line up on its own, but after six months of living together it may turn out that the spouse lives in a completely different dimension, where there are different ideas about life, values, norms, rules So the more people talk, the better.

It is important to understand that jealousy can be a consequence of simple ignorance of your chosen one. When we do not have enough information, we begin to speculate about something, we become suspicious and suspicious. Ignorance is rich soil for jealousy. It takes time to get to know each other properly. Therefore, before getting married, it is important to ask the question whether we know each other enough, whether we can trust each other.

It is also important not to hide your own weak, vulnerable places from your loved one and to speak and warn about your characteristics as honestly as possible. If you have any traumatic experience associated with jealousy (or anything else), then it is better to warn the person about it in advance: for me, such and such things are very painful or unbearable. And if for another, these things, on the contrary, are normal, natural and he does not imagine his life in any other way, perhaps your relationship will not work out precisely for this reason - and of course, it is better if you find out this in advance.

— You have already said that jealousy, which is usually called unreasonable, still has some roots: self-doubt, low self-esteem, etc. Could this be due to internal traumas coming from childhood or from the experience of previous relationships?

- Certainly. After all, causeless jealousy does not have only an external reason. And there can be a lot of internal psychological and personal reasons. And of course, they may come from the past. If we talk about the loss of a sense of self-worth, about distortions of self-esteem, then most often this is associated with some kind of childhood traumatic experience. And here we can endlessly list different types of injuries that can directly or indirectly lead to jealousy in a relationship. Therefore, if there are no objective reasons for jealousy, but at the same time a person is tormented by this feeling, then in my opinion, at least for prevention, it would be good for him to contact a specialist and clarify whether this problem can be solved on his own, or whether it is rooted deep in childhood and It will be almost impossible to cope with this alone. Without the help of a specialist, a person cannot always see certain patterns in his life. Some people find it difficult to connect traumatic childhood experiences, such as being sent to a nursery, or being taken to grandma's for the summer, or having a little brother, with the fact that in adult life they find themselves jealous, intolerant of competition, afraid of loneliness, often experiencing a feeling of abandonment and uselessness, requiring from loved ones endless proof of their devotion and fidelity. In the lives of specific people, these events can be surprisingly connected, and jealousy can be a symptom of a more serious set of problems that must be dealt with.

- Is every feeling that we call jealousy true? Perhaps we ourselves often confuse concepts, and therefore draw the wrong conclusions and build the wrong tactics of behavior?

— This applies not only to feelings of jealousy: in general, our emotional intelligence is very poorly developed. Many people don't even know the names of feelings. During consultations, I often hear from patients the following definitions of their condition: “normal”, “nothing” or “everything is fine”. Then I take out a piece of paper with about 100 different names of feelings written on it and invite the person to choose what exactly is “normal” for him: tired, irritated, in good shape - I still don’t understand which of his feelings he considers normal for himself.

Here's another example. I teach a master class for adults, where we analyze different emotional reactions and feelings, try to understand how they differ, how to recognize them, how to respond to them correctly, and so on. And I invite people to show, for example, their irritation at 3 points out of 10 - that is, slight irritation. And suddenly one of the participants begins to stomp their feet, growl or scream. I ask: “Are you sure this is 3 points? What then is irritability of 10 points for you?”

People often do not know the amplitude of their emotional reactions, nor how emotions differ, how they are expressed, or what intensity they may have. They don’t notice, for example, when the irritation is weak - but they notice only when it reaches its limits, develops into anger or even hatred. In the same way, sometimes they do not pay attention to jealousy until it becomes threatening.

— Jealousy in a relationship between a man and a woman can lead to serious and even terrible consequences. But for some reason this feeling has been justified by humanity for centuries, including by great art. In your opinion, why does this happen?

— Probably because it’s not very common in art to glorify healthy relationships. It is not interesting for the “man in the street” to read about happy and blissful people who understand each other perfectly. Whether it’s Othello with his passionate, destructive jealousy - people don’t live boringly! It tickles the nerves and attracts attention.

But remember, for example, Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina. Yes, Anna herself is a vivid example of groundless jealousy associated with a number of complexes, with past relationships and so on. But the “minor” characters in the novel are personally mature people, from whom one can spy an example of more or less harmonious relationships. And it is this example that makes us think about a lot.

And if we talk not about art, but about real life, then many really believe that jealousy is an excellent indicator of love. Such people have no need to get rid of jealousy: they will romanticize it, cultivate this feeling in themselves, revel in it. Therefore, the question is always for a specific person: are you okay with being jealous? And if a person himself does not want to part with his jealousy, then how can anyone convince him? You can only help someone who admits that he has a problem and wants to deal with it himself.

Interviewed by Daria Barinova

THOMAS

What does jealousy lead to? Mental and physical problems

Constantly sorting out relationships based on jealousy can affect not only your mood, but also quite seriously spoil your quality of life.

Relationships in a couple become tense and nervous. The jealous person’s partner feels like he’s “on a powder keg”, expecting a new stream of reproaches and suspicions. This cools the ardor of love and, contrary to expectations, alienates lovers from each other.

It’s even worse when the couple’s child becomes a witness to scenes of jealousy. He cannot understand why mom and dad, who are supposed to love each other, scream and swear, completely ignoring him. This can seriously affect his psyche, making him closed, tense and complex. According to a sociological study, children who accidentally witnessed their parents' adultery carry their damaged trust through life. They are much more likely to experience difficulties in building harmonious relationships.

In addition, a jealous person, without suspecting it, can give his partner an attitude towards real betrayal. After all, receiving punishment for what you have done is not as unpleasant as constantly hearing accusations for something that happened only in the opponent’s imagination. Read more about guilt.

And finally, the fatal culmination is the breakup of the relationship. Sooner or later, even the most patient and understanding person will get tired of enduring hysterics and groundless reproaches.

As for the physical state, each outbreak of jealousy is a serious blow to the nervous, cardiovascular and respiratory systems.

During an outburst of jealousy, the brain experiences overload similar to the shock of hearing about the death of a loved one.

The immune system, under the pressure of constant emotional shocks, also weakens, as a result of which a pathological jealous person is at risk of developing the following diseases:

anorexia nervosa;
obesity or swelling due to hormonal imbalance;
frigidity/impotence;
stroke;
heart attack

Consequences of jealousy

Jealousy in relationships has been studied sufficiently by psychology. It has been proven that the lack of behavioral control among spouses is often a prerequisite for negative manifestations. And jealousy can really lead to the breakdown of a marriage.

The opinion of a psychologist is also important to take into account in case of aggressive manifestations on the part of a person who has distrust of his other half. Often it comes to physical violence, suppression of personality, which is a criminal offense. But the jealous people themselves receive no less negativity.

Studies have shown that as a result of an attack of rage, the body is subjected to a load comparable to the sensations of the death of a loved one. At the same time, the hormonal balance is significantly disrupted, the heart muscle suffers, blood pressure rises, weight gains and libido decreases.

Natalia

Why are people jealous?

And now we will try to figure out what to do if you yourself are a pathological jealous person. Recognizing the problem is the first step towards fixing it. The second step is to understand its nature.

So where does this feeling come from? Why are you experiencing it? There may be several reasons for this:

You are afraid of loneliness . You hold on to relationships painfully, constantly comparing yourself to other girls/men. Deep down, you think that your partner could leave at any moment, realizing that there are people in the world more worthy of love than you. I recommend an article about why love leaves.
You dwell on the past . It is difficult for you to accept the fact that your companion had a serious relationship before you. Women tend to be jealous of their men who were previously married or in long-term relationships; men tend to blame their beloved for their former “lovingness.”
You lack attention . Your object of desire, due to his busyness and social involvement, cannot always spend time with you. Because of this, there is a feeling of deprivation and obsessive thoughts and fantasies about cheating.
You are susceptible to psychological "transference" . You experienced the betrayal of a loved one, saw your parents or close friends divorce, and now you regard every member of the opposite sex as a potential cheater.

Now that you know all the components of your condition, you can begin correction. Below is a detailed guide to action with which you can help yourself. I also recommend material on working with anxiety and anxiety.

Factors that increase feelings of jealousy

Jealousy is a psychological factor that occurs in the presence of certain stimuli.

Therefore, it is important to know what problems the jealous person has, which causes increased aggressiveness. Often people themselves are to blame for the inappropriate behavior of their partners. For example, knowing about her husband’s insecurities, the wife will increase his suspicions by communicating with her successful neighbor on the landing. And a man, constantly lingering in the office, where a handsome secretary sits in the reception area, unwittingly fans the fire in his wife.

If a person is naturally jealous, every little thing becomes important: dreamy glances with which a partner sees passing representatives of the opposite sex, deleted SMS, get-togethers in the company of former classmates.

The fight against jealousy and trust as the key to strong love

Many women and men have their own idea of an ideal romantic relationship. But only a small part of people understand that a lot of effort will have to be made to translate these ideals into reality. The key point is to work on mutual and unconditional trust.

Talk about your feelings . People, even those closest to you, cannot always intuitively guess what you like and what you don’t. If the words or actions of your lover somehow offend you, say so without scandal or emotion, and ask them not to do that. Be straightforward and frank. This is not the case when you should use transparent hints.
Learn to listen . When your partner begins to share his experiences with you, listen to him calmly and without emotion. The more information you learn, the easier it will be for you to work through the problem.
Learn to prevent a quarrel . You probably remember in what situations your significant other begins to get nervous and frown - so take advantage of this information. If you know that your beloved is worried when you are late at work, call and warn if necessary. Learn to explain yourself before they come up with an explanation for your behavior for you.
Feel free to ask questions . If you have any doubts or suspicions, ask about it. For example, if you want to know what your spouse did while you were on a business trip, ask him about how he spent his time. But remember that this should just be a conversation, not an interrogation. Also, don’t constantly bring up your partner’s past – it simply doesn’t make sense.
What will conflict bring me? Ask yourself this question every time you are going to raise your voice to your chosen one. Remember that a person who speaks politely, measuredly and sedately looks more dignified than one who breaks into shouting and swearing.
Be interested in the life and interests of your partner . For example, if your companion loves computer games, ask him to talk about what exactly attracted him to the game, about its plot, etc. You’ll see - he will appreciate this kind of attention, because everyone enjoys talking about something that is really close to him.
Don't try to change a person to suit you . Undoubtedly, partners must learn to coexist harmoniously and adapt to each other’s interests, but this does not mean a complete renunciation of personal freedoms. If your chosen one does not suit you at the initial stage, think about whether it is worth developing a relationship in which you will be uncomfortable?
Protect your personal space and respect your partner's right to be alone . Don't be rude or pushy. Learn to say: “I would like to be alone” instead of “leave me alone,” and also do not impose your company on your chosen one.
Don't lie and don't let yourself be deceived . Remember that untruths always come out. It is impossible to build healthy long-term relationships on lies, even for good.
Be grateful . Say thank you to your partner for both small and big things. When your actions are appreciated, you want to do them again and again.
Focus on your common features : these could be tastes in art, literature, common hobbies and jokes.
Do something together : cook, go shopping, watch movies, go for a walk. After all, community and mutual understanding are what made you fall in love with each other.
Praise : for a deliciously prepared dinner, a promotion, a nailed shelf, or even just because your other half looks good. Everyone is pleased when their efforts are noticed.
Don't criticize publicly . Personal life is “personal” for that reason, because what happens in it should concern only partners. If you have accumulated complaints against your spouse, talk in private, but never sort things out in front of children, relatives or guests.

Hugging, holding hands and simply touching each other more often. Psychologists have proven that tactile sensations affect the degree of trust between partners.

How to get rid of jealousy

Jealousy will not go away on its own. It takes a lot of work to make relationships work.

You need to talk to your spouse more often about your feelings, and not hide the fact that some actions offend you. It is better to deal with the problem calmly than to wait for a storm.

Read more: How to forget a girl you still love

It is important not only to talk about your feelings, but also to hear your spouse. The experiences of both family members matter.

You cannot create provoking situations. If the wife is not happy about her husband’s departure for fishing with friends, and is jealous of his company, it is worth reducing the time of meetings or taking the woman you love with you more often.

It is advisable to avoid any provocateurs, treat your loved one with confidence, and do not hesitate to express your suspicions. There is no need to practice interrogation and constantly recall past mistakes; such behavior will only aggravate the situation and, possibly, lead to a break in the relationship. If you become the object of complaints, remember that the habit of making excuses has no effect; on the contrary, it provokes new conflicts.

It will help to solve problems by contacting a psychologist who will determine the causes and try to find a solution to the issue.

Positive and negative sides of jealousy

The danger of jealousy is that this feeling contributes to a loss of trust between partners. Suspicions and the resulting interrogations, the need to constantly check a loved one, attempts to invade his personal space lead to quarrels and scandals. When in a relationship, people expect understanding, support, and respect. Jealousy takes that away from the couple.

The feeling is destructive for the jealous person himself. It makes you live in suspicion and develops an inferiority complex. The fear of being used, thrown out and humiliated reduces a person’s quality of life, and manifestations of jealousy in the form of aggression and controlling behavior aggravate the situation.

The positive aspects of this emotion appear if it is given in small doses. Light, playful jealousy adds zest to flirting and makes your partner feel special. Emotion plays the role of a regulator of self-esteem, because it motivates a person to new achievements, stimulates him to become better and develop his strengths.

The Bible presents jealousy as a positive thing that encourages people to protect what is theirs. Art and literature view it in a negative sense, presenting it as a deeply destructive feeling that “sucks all the good out of love.”

But modern psychologists believe that this emotion in healthy doses strengthens relationships and is dangerous only in an unreasonable, pathological form.

The most common causes of jealousy

According to psychologists, people who themselves cheated on their partners are most often prone to jealousy. Naturally, this does not speak about all the reasons for jealousy; their list is wider:

lack of confidence in their attractiveness and low self-esteem force many to see in each interlocutor of their chosen one a potential threat and a real competitor;
Any changes in behavior make you wonder what they may be related to. And at this moment the most reasonable explanation for the jealous is the presence of interest on the side;
the lack of desire to have sex or the inattention of a partner, also, in the opinion of the jealous person, can only be caused by love for another person and sexual relations with him. At the same time, the goal is absolutely not to find out the reasons for this condition in your significant other, knowledge of which would help to overcome a difficult moment in the relationship together (illness, fatigue, business problems, etc.);
the inability to adequately express one’s negative emotions at work leads to the fact that a person lashes out at loved ones at home, often starting to find fault with their behavior and reproaching them for infidelity;
an exaggerated sense of possessiveness forces one to control every step of the chosen one, demanding reports and proof of fidelity;
lack of trust in a couple and the appearance of suspicion is the first bell that you need to listen to in order to make timely adjustments to the relationship and save your love.

Facts about jealousy

The phenomenon of jealousy has been well studied by family psychologists and psychiatrists. Interesting facts about him:

7-10% of men on the planet are pathologically jealous.
3-5% of people on Earth are not capable of jealousy.
Jealousy is bad for your health. It provokes stress and anxiety, causing the heart rate to increase, blood pressure to rise, and the load on the cardiovascular system to increase.
The degree of jealousy depends on hormonal levels. In women, it increases during pregnancy, because at this time she needs the protection and support of a man.
Jealousy is the second most common reason for the breakdown of relationships (the first is the financial situation of partners, quarrels about budget distribution). The reason for the breakup can be either a jealous person who does not want to put up with the “infidelity” of his other half, or a victim whom he tortures with pressure.
Jealous behavior is inherent in a person at the level of instincts. It is inherent in animals and has the same roots as rivalry.
Age affects the likelihood of encountering a jealous person. People over 30 experience this emotion half as often as young people.
Every fifth crime in the world is committed due to jealousy. The court does not consider it a mitigating circumstance.

Jealousy is a ubiquitous emotion that controls people's behavior. In moderate manifestations, it stimulates self-improvement, in extreme manifestations it destroys relationships and provokes crimes.

How to get rid of or tame this destructive feeling

You need to get rid of this feeling as soon as you notice the prerequisites for unhealthy jealousy.

It's best to start with your own changes:

develop and be an interesting person;
take care of yourself to increase your self-esteem;
get rid of complexes;
learn to love and appreciate yourself.

To save the couple and not harm the relationship with your jealousy, follow these recommendations:

talk more with your partner , ask his opinion, know how to listen and hear, together look for ways out of problematic situations and build your own model of an ideal relationship;
don’t be afraid to ask questions , be more interested in the work, hobbies and problems of your chosen one;
do not try to remake a person to fit your framework - look for common ground for a harmonious relationship in which both partners will be comfortable;
do not forget about the right of everyone in a couple to their own personal space and time;
never resort to lies , instilling confidence in yourself and trusting your partner;
pay more attention to your common interests , look for things that will tie you to each other even more tightly;
forget about criticism , more gratitude and admiration in words - and then your chosen one will always want to quickly return to the house where he is loved and appreciated.

In general, explain to yourself that it was you who was chosen by your partner and it is to you that he returns every day. Think about how you were able to attract him and do even more to keep him for life. At the same time, do everything together, building your relationship on love, mutual understanding, respect, fidelity and mandatory trust.

How jealousy manifests itself

Now let's consider how jealousy can manifest itself in addition to loud and demonstrative scandals designed for spectators and the desire to arouse pity for the jealous person from others.

Signs of unhealthy jealousy include:

checking your phone, pages on social networks, correspondence in instant messengers, etc.;
annoying calls every minute with a single question: where is the partner and what is he doing;
constant parallel verification of the correctness of the chosen one’s answers by calling mutual friends, colleagues and the partner’s superiors;
meeting your beloved home in a raised voice with unfounded reproaches and aggressive claims;
constant demand for evidence of love, fidelity and devotion, etc.

The list of these abnormal emotions and attitudes towards your chosen one can be continued. But the main thing is to understand that being always “under the hood” can bore even the most calm and balanced person, provoking him to make various decisions unusual for him: from extremes in the form of betrayal (if you listen, then at least to the point) and to banal separation and searching for a harmonious couple.

Pathologies associated with jealousy

Jealousy, within reason and if there are grounds, is a completely acceptable reaction of a person in love who values relationships and is afraid of losing his loved one. More questions (both for victims of jealousy and for psychiatrists) are raised by pathological manifestations of jealousy, which include:

obsessive fear of betrayal;
the jealous delirium of pathological jealous people.

In the first case, we are talking about a strong phobia, which can lead to a nervous breakdown or provoke a panic attack. The reasons for this pathology include:

examples of friends about cases of betrayal;
watching films about an unhappy love story with betrayal;
childhood problems projected into adulthood;
experienced betrayal in past relationships;
hormonal changes or postpartum condition that caused dissatisfaction with one's appearance, etc.

In fact, for such mentally vulnerable people with their complexes and experiences to arise as a reason for jealousy, the presence of prerequisites for betrayal is completely unimportant. It is enough for them to come up with their fear and develop this thought, plunging into the abyss of their fear of betrayal and loneliness. In such cases, the help of specialist psychologists is recommended, who will help you quickly cope with an anxious state and teach you to control your own emotions. If we talk about jealous delirium, then all the facts also reside exclusively in the mind of the jealous person and have no basis. The reasons for such suspicions also lie in low self-esteem and one’s own complexes, in which a fevered imagination draws non-existent stories of betrayal in great detail. Such a person needs constant confirmation of his superiority and will demand proof of love and fidelity from the chosen one. But in order to maintain respect and love in such situations, the couple will have to work through problematic issues with a psychologist.