Why a man is jealous: answers from a psychologist

The relationship between a man and a woman is often tested by jealousy. A common situation is that a guy is jealous of a girl’s friend, both hers and his own. The reasons are not always related to the girl’s provocative behavior. They may be hidden in the subconscious of a young person. If strong jealousy interferes with further relationships, then you cannot do without consulting a psychologist.

Why is a man jealous of his woman?

Male jealousy at the beginning of a relationship causes tenderness, a smile, and can raise women’s self-esteem. But representatives of the fair sex do not even think about how much this funny animal called “jealousy” is capable of growing in size and manifestations. And then the jealous man no longer causes awe - he becomes a real tyrant, a bore, an insecure person from whom you want to run away. What is a man's jealousy? What are its causes and types? What signs in a relationship shouldn’t be ignored? And, most importantly, how to deal with this “disease”?

Getting to the root cause

If you have analyzed your behavior and have not found anything prejudiced in your actions, think about it: maybe it’s not about you at all, but about your spouse’s past?
Perhaps his fear is based on memories from childhood, when the betrayal of one of his parents destroyed a strong family? It is possible that your chosen one had to deal with the fact of betrayal in a previous relationship. In this case, it is also possible to correct the situation. Talk to your husband frankly, and if it’s a matter of past traumas, reassure him of your fidelity and reliability and set him up for a positive scenario for a future together. Tell your husband that you love and appreciate him and will never betray him.

However, if past trauma has had a serious impact on a person and prevents him from building healthy relationships, be prepared that your family may need counseling from a psychologist. In our country, this practice is not as widespread as, for example, in the USA, but you should not be afraid or embarrassed about contacting a specialist. Sometimes just a few sessions help to truly “reformat” the mind and set it up for a positive scenario.

Signs of male jealousy

Latent jealousy is a normal physiological feeling. It is inherent in absolutely every individual. We are jealous of our things, friends, loved ones - what we have or want to have. This is laid down from childhood. When a mother took someone else's baby in her arms, resentment, anger, and envy awoke inside her own child, resulting in whims or hysteria. But it’s one thing when, growing up, a person regulates jealousy, and another thing when he cultivates it in himself, slowly growing roots into this manic feeling.

During the candy-bouquet period, you won’t immediately understand with whom you are building a relationship, but psychologists advise paying attention to some behavioral aspects of a man:

in the presence of potential danger (other men), the jealous man’s pupils dilate strongly and suddenly, his cheeks turn pink, he lacks air, sweating is pronounced, his heart rate increases, the timbre becomes deeper, lower, even frighteningly growling;
he often reacts negatively and critically to your transformation in appearance;
the man gets very emotional about your delays at work, being late after school, going to see your family;
often takes offense, remains silent, trying to make you feel guilty;
as soon as you get together with your friends or parents about your business, he immediately tries to interrupt your plans, arguing that he wants to spend more time together.

Ignoring these harbingers can lead to the fact that as soon as a man becomes your legal spouse, family life will take a completely different turn.

Jealous husband: what does it look like?

“I called you for half an hour! Who have you been talking to for so long? You won’t be able to convey to him that you were chatting with your mother. You must answer on the first call, and never part with the gadget under any circumstances. And if it runs out of charge, you can’t avoid a scandal with a man!
“Have you posted photos from the sea on social networks? What do you need it for? Do you need new acquaintances, vulgar comments, looks from strangers? Until you remove it, there will be no calm.
“Did you wink at this passerby? Why is he staring at you like that then? Did you wear this sweater on purpose? I already accept you with your past, and you still continue to behave so obscenely!” The sad thing is that there is nothing criminal in the so-called “past”, but the very fact that a man (God forbid!) got you as an unchaste person will drive him crazy.
“Why did it take you so long to get back from the pharmacy? Who do you tell that there was a line - there is never one there! Did it also take you 20 minutes to get to the entrance? Walk here for 5 minutes at an accelerated pace!” At the same time, the jealous person constantly looks into the eyes, trying to catch the lie. There is simply no point in making reservations or making excuses - the brain does not respond to adequate information.
“Who is this knocking at your friend’s door? What kind of guy rated your photo? Why are you commenting on this? Who did you open a personal message for?” Your man will check all social networks, track your actions, monitor SMS. The motto of a jealous husband: if you close pages from him, there is definitely something to hide!
“Why are you dating your girlfriends again? I don’t want to see them - prostitutes, drunkards, bitches!” Even if a man accepted your girlfriends at the initial stages of the relationship, then your meetings will be limited.

You get the gist - living with a jealous person becomes simply unbearable. When a guy is jealous of his chosen one for everything in the world, his personal life is put to rest. Visits with parents (why else?), girlfriends, and colleagues are prohibited. Forget about corporate parties - all they do there is drink and seduce each other! Do you have a joint project with a male colleague? So you wanted it yourself! You like this actor from the film - pack your things and go to him, but why would he give in to such a little thing like you!

Of course, not every man is a pathological jealous person! But a woman should be wary of such “manifestations of concern”! Remember, if today you are beaten with words, the time may come when you will be punished physically!

What kind of jealousy is there?

Jealousy comes in different forms. The mild form only excites and excites the senses, but more intrusive, severe forms frighten, irritate and cause misunderstanding among the fair sex.

Types of male jealousy:

Reasonable.

Such jealousy has a basis or logical explanation. If a woman stays overnight with her friends, often goes to clubs without her partner, drinks alcohol, openly flirts with other men, jealousy of her partner is guaranteed, and this is normal!

Or, for example, a woman remained on good terms with her ex-boyfriend. And there seems to be nothing wrong with that. But why then does a man continue to be jealous of the past, because at that time you didn’t even know him? There is an explanation for this:

he understands that you were close to that man in every way, and this hurts;
there is a constant comparison with your former boyfriend, which keeps you in suspense;
any gestures you make towards your ex will be perceived as a potential risk of losing you.

If you think this is an innocent friendship, face the truth and mentally switch places. Here male jealousy is absolutely justified - he will not tolerate any “greetings from the past” on his territory. And don’t even try to make friends with your men - they have no use for it!

Unfounded.

Such jealousy does not pose a real threat, however, there is little pleasure in it. This applies to men who have an unresolved intrapersonal conflict that has been going on since childhood. Such emotions are especially characteristic of people born in large families, where they had to fight for attention to their person. Good deeds, illness, excellent behavior, grades, etc. Such “disliked” children, in their opinion, transfer this model of attitude to their partner in the future. Unreasonable male jealousy brings discomfort to both himself and his chosen one, because it is built from scratch.

Exaggerated.

It is more difficult to live with such a jealous person, because a man does not show his jealousy in public. He endures his wife’s company in company with a smile on his face, but at home he turns into a real brawler and despot. If you kissed his brother on the cheek when leaving, your man has already mentally put you to bed, get ready for a real interrogation with passion!

Pathological.

This is the most dangerous male jealousy. He doesn’t need reasons or fantasies - he is sure that his woman is cheating on him. The behavior of the partner does not play any role here - the chosen one will still harass her. Such jealousy is dangerous because, in addition to moral humiliation and terror, a woman suffers the fate of physical violence. A man intoxicated is especially scary - any words from his chosen one will provoke outbursts of aggression and anger, which can have the most dire consequences.

How to recognize a pathological jealous person:

bans on everything: leaving the house, telephone conversations, beautiful clothes, working in a male team, girlfriends, going to a pharmacy where the pharmacist is a man;
sudden outbursts of rage and threats of physical violence against the chosen one and her (imaginary) lover;
real surveillance of your woman (we're not just talking about the phone, pages on social networks and wiretapping, but real stalking).

Of course, we are talking about a mentally ill person. Your arguments and logical explanations will be accompanied by even greater resistance and bitterness. After all, the thought definitely lives in his head that his wife is unfaithful to him, and everyone around him knows about it and laughs at him. Sooner or later, his stressful state will result in something big and terrible, from which it is better to escape in advance.

Way out

This problem is of great importance for both the guy and his girlfriend if they are committed to a long-term relationship. If a guy cannot cope with his jealousy on his own, then a visit to a psychologist is necessary; the couple can come to him together. Before this, you need a frank conversation to decide on your future:

whether the couple is going to get married;
are there any reasons for separation;
they will simply date indefinitely.

When future prospects are outlined, the position of the couple’s friends in relation to them will immediately become clear - they will be close or at a respectful distance, which will reduce the reasons for jealousy.

Also effective measures are:

a conversation between a guy and his friends about their attitude towards his girlfriend;
increasing the time the couple spends alone;
clear identification of personal boundaries beyond which friends have no way;
mutual provision of signs of attention, both material and intangible.

The social world dictates the rules of communication. Selfishness, as a way of survival, increases regardless of gender. Women try to solve problems without giving their partners the opportunity to help and learn about them in order to avoid male control. Women are not used to considering their friends to be 100% interested, so they trust them more than their loved ones. Result: having learned about the scale of the lie or hidden information, the husband becomes jealous of his friend. What to do? Who and what is the problem? There was no betrayal! Today you will get answers to these questions.

The situation can be viewed from different angles. Jealousy is a protective reaction of the body: from the threat of an upcoming showdown with three or more participants in the triangle, the breakdown of the union due to the wife finding a substitute for her husband, and other negative situations that cause neurosis. If a husband is jealous of male friends, although he has not shown such aggression before, then the reason is not in him.

What are the causes of male jealousy

When the chosen one has all the signs of a jealous person, all that remains is to find out the reasons in order to understand how to deal with it.

Male psychology allows us to answer the main question: why a man is jealous of his woman.

So, 12 main reasons for male jealousy:

Self-affirmation at the expense of a woman. A man creates scenes of jealousy only in order to take it out on his chosen one for his lack of success, for the fact that he does not reach her level. In appearance, age, professionally, society.
Heightened self-esteem. It is impossible to prove anything to such men - they are too arrogant and hot-temperedly perceive any wrong look or movement towards other men. If you hug a childhood friend when you meet, you are guaranteed the title of “girl of easy virtue.”
Low self-esteem. This reason borders on pathological self-doubt, when a man feels like a complete insignificance that no normal woman can love. Why are you in a relationship with him? Looking for some benefit? And when you get it, humiliate him and leave for a more successful male? The behavior of such a man can vary from whiny, crushed to angry and aggressive.
Emotional stagnation. This is a case when a man was taught from childhood to suppress his emotions (screaming, resentment, tears, etc.). Psychologists say that it is jealousy that becomes a lightning rod. If a man is stingy in showing emotions, his jealousy will know no bounds.
Own polygamy. Men are hunters, conquerors, winners, women are nuns, guardians, faithful companions. But in society this position has long become shaky, and men, realizing this, become real alarmists. They tend to try all situations on their family, which sometimes makes life unbearable.
The desire to manipulate your spouse. Everything is simple here - a man has not received affection or care from his chosen one for a long time, so a secret weapon called “jealousy” is used. It allows a woman to perk up, prove her love, and give the necessary tenderness. Usually this is done by the fair sex, but it is also inherent in men.
Psychological trauma. Fear of loneliness, unhealthy atmosphere in the internal picture of the family, lack of friends, humiliation of peers, etc. You ask, what does jealousy have to do with it? Such psychological traumas lead to the fear of losing the existing relationship, and, as a result, constant distrust of the partner. The guy in this case is jealous of the woman towards everyone: a friend, a salesman, a taxi driver, etc. Such men can be called deeply unhappy people.
The woman has already cheated once. Such an unpleasant aftertaste never leaves a man’s memory! Therefore, do not be surprised when he turns from a “darling” into an annoying partner who wants to know and control everything that happens.
Ownership feeling. Differs from a despot in the absence of aggression. Usually it is difficult to drag such a man into a noisy company; he criticizes all sorts of attempts by his woman to prettify and dress up. “Who are you wearing lace lingerie for? Not good for yourself – only for me!”
Despotism. Here, jealousy has nothing to do with mistrust; the partner simply likes authoritarianism. Orders must be followed unquestioningly - no red lipstick, male friends, or skirts in the wardrobe. The logic of a despotic jealous man sounds like this: if a woman refuses to carry out an order, it means that she has already found someone else.
Copying parent relationships. This is the case when one of the parents cheated on the other (it doesn’t matter who), and the other knew about it and suffered. A man lives according to this scenario because he is programmed for it.
Mental disorders. A man is completely involved in his delusional ideas, where he is sure to be cheated on. This can be a harbinger or accompanying symptom of schizophrenia and other mental illnesses.

As you can see, dear women, there are many reasons for male jealousy. But if you can determine the origins of this insidious feeling, it will be much easier for you to deal with it!

If you cannot determine the cause of jealousy that is destroying your relationship, consult a psychologist. If love reigns between people, there should be no talk of any shame. Let your family find the harmony and mutual understanding that you so lack!

Is it possible to date a jealous person?

A difficult question with no exact answer. This largely depends on the girl herself.

How does she feel in this relationship? Feels constant anxiety, psychological pressure? Or maybe the guy started to show aggression? In this case, it is necessary to immediately end the relationship. There is no need to hold on to your chosen one.
Some girls like to wonder if a guy is jealous. So they feel that the young man is afraid of losing them, will pay attention, and show concern in the event of a long absence.