Does a child need to be an excellent student? Is this always a good thing? What is the excellent student complex, what features can be used to identify this syndrome, what types of excellent students are found, and how to help an excellent child.
It is believed that being an excellent student is good. But excellent students often do not look happy, and the excellent student complex, formed in childhood, accompanies a person throughout his life.
“If I don’t get an A, I’m a loser.”
“We spend our whole lives trying to achieve excellent results from ourselves and our children, and then it turns out that the “excellent student syndrome” is bad. Why?
“Before I changed my profession and encountered psychotherapy, I myself suffered for a long time and unknowingly from the “excellent student syndrome.”
I remember when I went to first grade. All the children go and rejoice: flowers, “adult” life ahead. And I was immediately afraid of getting a bad grade, although no one scared me about it. There are photographs from the very first day of school: me with a bouquet in one hand, with the teacher’s hand in the other and with an unhappy face. Then, as an adult, I experienced terrible jitters during all exams.
– But the desire to study well is really bad?
– It is believed that excellent students are drawn to knowledge. But if you carefully observe people with “excellent student syndrome”, it turns out that they do not need knowledge, but a grade, and the highest one at that. For them, the highest value is acceptance, approval and love. Such a person is convinced that if he is not an excellent student, they will not love him.
Even before school, a child with “excellent student syndrome” wants to be first always and everywhere.
There can be two scenarios for the development of this syndrome. If a child does not have the potential to be an excellent student, he gives up and the thought turns on: “I don’t want to study at all!” - such a reverse side of his way of thinking.
The second scenario is that the child tries to complete the task at any cost because he is afraid: otherwise his parents will not love and approve of him.
However, do not confuse the “excellent student syndrome” with perfectionism.
A perfectionist strives to do everything perfectly, but will not do it at any cost, and an “excellent student” will “go over corpses” in order to achieve an “A.”
A person with “excellent student syndrome” will achieve an “A” by any means - he can cheat, spy, or cheat. Or take a page out of the diary, start a separate diary for parents (now this won’t work with electronic diaries), but do not show other grades other than excellent grades at home.
This is not acceptable for a perfectionist. Perfectionists focus on the work itself, while people with “excellent student syndrome” focus on the result and the perception of this result by others.
Children and adults susceptible to the “excellent student syndrome” often perceive a task as a kind of competition in which they must win, while having a negative attitude towards “competitors.” A perfectionist thinks more about work, and not about the fact that he has rivals.
The most dangerous belief that is formed during the “excellent student syndrome” is that a “B” is not a grade at all.
It would seem that there is something wrong with a B, but inside the child a binary system is already working: all or nothing, if I don’t get an A, I’m a nonentity. And, even if the parents scold only slightly, the child can eat himself by the time he gets home from school.
Excellent student in life
The adult excellent student complex affects all areas of life, causing a number of problems:
- In personal life . An excellent student tries to achieve perfection in everything, trying to change his partner, raise children, and create a perfect household. The concept of ideality does not coincide among people, so conflicts, nervousness and depression are possible.
- At work . People with an excellent student complex are usually ambitious workaholics who are ready to sacrifice their personal lives for the sake of an ideal job. They do not tolerate criticism, other people's successes, or being ignored. They are set as an example for employees, and the colleagues themselves do not approve of such zeal. The lack of constant approval is difficult to experience.
- In raising children . Parents with an excellent student complex are very demanding of their own children. They put a lot of effort into achieving high results from their children and are very worried if their children disappoint them. Children with a strong psyche can express protests, and weak children acquire psychological problems, including excellent student syndrome.
- In communicating with people . Perfectionists rarely have friends. They criticize those who do not live up to the ideal and compete with their peers. However, they require constant recognition and do not accept negative feedback.
As you can see, the excellent student complex does not bring happiness.
"Excellent student syndrome" in adults
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– It’s clear whose love the child is trying to earn by getting straight A’s. And whose love is a young mother trying to earn when she begins to make her child ideal - torturing him with the right construction sets, early development and English from the age of eight months?
– She is trying to earn the love of either her parents or that “great parent”, the image of which is in the head of each of us. Sometimes, even being an atheist, a person seeks approval and love from such an image.
Very often, growing up to prove to the whole world that they are not insignificant, such mothers will prove to everyone that they are the best mothers in the world.
To do this, their child must be the best: best dressed, learned the most English words at 8 months.
And, unfortunately, there are also a lot of churchgoers with “excellent student syndrome.” They live by the principle: “Every Sunday I must be at the service, if I don’t come to it, the Lord will punish me.
I must bring a list of my sins to the service and account for them.” Of course, I’m exaggerating a little, but their thoughts are developing precisely in this direction.
- “If I do something wrong, I will be punished.” How does a religious idea turn into a construct in which there is no place for love?
– The idea could have arisen from a real (and not in words) lack of love in the family, from the fear of loving oneself, because there is always the risk of “getting a bad mark”, of being “not the best”; due to the inability to endure suffering. The thought is formed: “Love is painful, it is impossible to love” and the behavior of people who grew up in a lack of love: they themselves do not know how to love and are afraid, but they really want to get what they did not receive.
At the same time, they are sure that love must be earned. But the fact that God loves everyone, whether they are excellent students or poor students, as, for example, in the parable of the prodigal son, is not clear to them.
But there are many saints who were not good at science since childhood. These are Sergius of Radonezh and John of Kronstadt.
The Lord gave them the experience of being unable to learn, and when they lived and accepted this experience, they were given both knowledge and abilities.
Forecast for the future
An excellent student at school gradually develops into an excellent student. In the new team he meets people who also study well, but for them the highest grade is not an end in itself. Our excellent student senses serious danger. He will work incredibly hard to achieve success, defend his Ph.D. thesis, and will continue to be held up as an example to everyone. Then from an excellent student he will turn into a perfectionist: his every step and word must be verified to the smallest detail. And so the perfectionist goes to work. Woe to his colleagues who did something at the wrong time or not in full. However, it is the failures of others that will give him pleasure.
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If such a person is able to climb the career ladder and finds himself in the status of a manager, the staff of his subordinates will change regularly, because it is difficult to match the level of a perfectionist boss. He stays at work late, he doesn’t have days off, and he continues to work on vacation. He will demand the same from his subordinates. Employees who are not ready to work in such conditions will look for a new job, because even the highest salary and prestigious position will not force an ordinary person to work to their detriment.
Hereditary scenario
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– The behavior of an excellent student is often a hereditary scenario, which in Russia dates back to Soviet times.
There were times when our society lived from five-year plan to five-year plan, and they tried to fit even that into four, or better yet, three years. This was the case during industrialization and after the war, when it was necessary to restore the country.
Results and pace were demanded from people, while no one took into account needs, did not think about safety, and certainly did not look at the abilities of each individual person and at what price everything was given to him.
As a result, a whole generation developed the belief: “We should have become excellent students, but we couldn’t, so our children are obliged to make this dream come true.”
This is our Russian ancestral dream: sometimes you work with a client, and the image of some great-grandmother pops up, who was convinced that “you need to study well, otherwise you will become a janitor.” And this belief is passed on to grandchildren and great-grandchildren until someone realizes and changes this system.
Now people come to me who spin like squirrels in a wheel and cannot at all understand what talents and abilities they have. They live in isolation from themselves, and their only goal is to be the best. At the same time, the pressure intensifies in each new generation, and this idea turns into neurosis.
Of course, there were no five-year plans in the West, but there is a syndrome. And there were terrible examples of worship of leaders - their “great fathers”. The “excellent student syndrome” generally develops favorably in the age of wars and industrialization, when parents experienced some kind of troubles, generational trauma and could not give their children enough emotional presence.
Or it happens differently: the parents studied well, but for some reason the child cannot cope. And they start telling him: “Look at us!” But at the same time they hide some of the information and don’t tell them that they didn’t always have straight A’s.
The scenario with the “excellent student syndrome” can be absorbed literally with mother’s milk: sometimes it happens that the child has not yet started school, they have not yet begun to really teach him anything in kindergarten, but the syndrome already exists.
Ilya Bazenkov
Some parents believe that children, like vessels, can be filled with their unfulfilled dreams and aspirations. Michael Nichols (psychologist
)
Excellent student syndrome or excellent student complex is noticed, as a rule, in adults, and not in children.
Sometimes it is also called the excellent student complex, because... it occurs more often in women. The explanation is simple. A child with an excellent student complex is convenient for adults, because... He tries with all his might to meet their requirements, to always be good. But in adulthood, an excellent student complex can seriously complicate life. The essence of the excellent student syndrome (complex) is not that one always does everything perfectly, but that the main need is to receive good grades from others.
One of the most common requests to psychologists is: how to get rid of the excellent student complex?
How to stop wanting to be good for everyone in order to get a good assessment of yourself?
First, let's figure out why it occurs. How parents and other adults create excellent student syndrome in a child.
A necessary condition for getting rid of excellent student syndrome is awareness of its causes.
So how do adults contribute to the formation of this syndrome?
The child came from school.
- How are things at school? “I got a B in history today.” - How? Why four and not five? You're making me sad. But Petya only gets straight A's.
The child was putting things in order in his room.
- Why didn’t you put this book on the shelf? I'm not happy with you.
The teenager washed the dishes, but the problem was that there was a stain on one plate.
- Badly! All dishes should shine! You made me very sad.
And there is something else. Every day, adults inspire the child that he must constantly be good for everyone, always meet others halfway in order to get a good assessment of himself.
This is how parents and other adults contribute to the formation of the excellent student syndrome (complex) in children. And with the best intentions. They want the child to grow up successful, cope well with his responsibilities, do everything well and be no worse, if not better, than others.
Research shows that a predisposition to excellent student syndrome can also be congenital, associated with the type of temperament and individual psychophysiological characteristics of a person.
But it arises in childhood as a result of communication between adults (primarily parents) and children. And if in childhood and adolescence the excellent student syndrome is often not noticed and even welcomed by the adults around the child, then in the future it brings significant disharmony to a person’s life.
MAIN SIGNS OF EXCELLENCE SYNDROME
- increased sensitivity to criticism, even if it is minor; - constant fear of failure, often leading to the refusal of any activity for fear of not being able to cope; - a tendency to often compare oneself with others, to be jealous when someone else is praised; - unstable self-esteem, highly dependent on the opinions of others; - the very first failure can cause a depressive mood and refusal of further attempts to continue doing something; - getting stuck on the experiences of your failures, even minor ones; - a constant need to meet the expectations of others.
Of course, the severity of excellent student syndrome varies.
In extreme pathological cases it does not occur very often. But even if expressed moderately, it still complicates life, leads to limitations in one’s own capabilities and difficulties in relationships.
TYPICAL PREREQUISITES FOR THE FORMATION OF EXCELLENCE SYNDROME
1. The often repeated attitude that love must be earned through good deeds. And the more “correct” you are, the more they will love you.
2. One or even several close adults are pathological perfectionists who strive to raise a child in their own image and likeness.
3. Frequent and strong reprimand of the child for mistakes and failures. Pushing him to excessive self-criticism, to a style of thinking according to the principle - “if I did the right thing, then everything would be fine”, “if I tried, then everything would work out”, “if I thought carefully, then everything would turn out differently” .
4. Too high demands on the child. His parents expect him to be “perfect.”
The formation of the excellent student complex occurs in childhood, and most often begins to manifest itself in early adolescence.
Sometimes the excellent student syndrome is confused with moderate perfectionism - the desire for an ideal result. Indeed, extreme perfectionism and excellent student syndrome coexist together. But perfectionism, naturally not expressed in a pathological form, can be quite normal - a person tries to do everything well, to achieve the best result. But the “excellent student” is not concerned about the result itself, but about the grade he will receive; he always needs an “A” in life. And as a result, the goal shifts from the result to the assessment of this result by others.
People suffering from an excellent student complex often turn into a twitchy neurotic who is very uncomfortable with life. He constantly worries about failures, both imaginary and real. The meaning of his life is to be an excellent student, get straight A's at any cost, and fight for them. And if there is a risk of getting a different grade, then he may not take on anything, and, for fear of failure, may refuse to implement his plans, ideas, and even career aspirations.
And it’s not easy for those around him. How to live and communicate with a person who reacts painfully to any criticism, even to the point of falling into depression? And praise addressed to other people makes him feel jealous.
Alas, the pursuit of academic results, expressed not in knowledge, but in grades; parents' vanity; Teachers' persistence in the struggle for academic performance - all this creates fertile ground for the cultivation of excellent student syndrome. Of course, not all children and adolescents acquire this syndrome, even if the environment contributes to this. Much depends on the innate characteristics of the individual.
A child with a strong type of higher nervous activity is more stable; a teenager can resist through typical teenage reactions, so much so that the adults around him “don’t think it’s enough.” But there are many people who suffer from an excellent student complex. Even in a mild form, it brings disharmony into the life of both the person himself and those around him.
There is a persistent myth in society that school grades are an indicator of a person’s intelligence and his future professional success. BUT THIS IS NOT SO!
These facts are confirmed by hundreds of studies conducted in different countries:
1. School performance is not an indicator of a person’s future success.
2. School performance is not an indicator of intelligence.
Recent research at the Higher School of Economics has shown that the professional success of graduates does not depend on their grades during their studies. See the article on our website “Intelligence, academic performance and professional success.”
It was said above that a predisposition to the excellent student syndrome (complex) can be congenital. But often parents, who themselves suffer from an excellent student complex, pass it on to their children through upbringing, projecting their own fears of receiving a negative assessment for their child. In this case, the parents' excellent student complex manifests itself in fears of not looking like an “ideal parent” in the eyes of others, primarily teachers.
There is a continuous struggle for academic performance, where the main importance is given to grades, and not to the child’s actual knowledge and interests. Often this applies not only to school grades, but also to other aspects of life. The main thing is to look appropriate in the eyes of others.
But it’s hard to fight the acquired excellent student complex, so people live under this burden - increased sensitivity to critical remarks, touchiness, dependence on the opinions of others, always afraid of not getting an “A” (and because of this, often giving up some of their intentions and desires).
So, dear parents, is it worth demanding from your child that he always receive only A’s? Have you always met the expectations of others in everything? But sometimes it happens when close adults, because of some, in their opinion, failure of the child, begin to “blackmail” him with their health. “Oh, your marks make my heart ache,” says a loving mother or grandmother, without even suspecting what she is shaping in the child with these words.
And in the end, what is more important to you? The health and mental well-being of a child, harmony in relationships with him or the number of A’s in a diary, especially since they do not determine a person’s success.
Often parents like the excellent student syndrome, although they are not aware of its existence. Really, what more do you need? The child is obedient, studies well, and sincerely worries if something doesn’t work out for him. A dream, not a child! And adults don’t realize that the most important thing for a child is not the result of his activities, but the desire to be good and “approved.” And he develops the feeling that they love him only for his “A” grades, and not for himself. Make a mistake and you will lose love
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There is a fear of making a mistake, of making the wrong choice. And this fear is often reinforced for life, along with self-doubt and fears of “looking wrong,” “doing wrong,” and even “thinking wrong.” In extreme cases, the fear of making mistakes can turn into a real phobia.
In his life, a person with an excellent student complex experiences a feeling of insecurity, it is difficult for him to build open relationships with other people, and he often thinks that he may turn out to be worse than the expectations of others.
A person who was taught in childhood that he is loved only for good grades, for obedience, for some successes and achievements, in later life it will seem that someone needs him only because he meets the expectations of others. Hence the low or unstable self-esteem, the feeling that he is not loved, not appreciated, not recognized.
There is an unwillingness to fail, a fear of difficulties and self-doubt.
How to get rid of an excellent student complex in a child?
1. Praise your child not for grades, but for results.
“It’s very good that you got an A.” “It’s very good that you coped with the test.” Do you feel the difference?
2. Be interested not in grades at school, but in the process of studying, what new things you learned, what was interesting or uninteresting, difficult or easy.
3. Never link assessment of academic results (and not only academic results) with assessment of personality.
4. Do not compare your child with other children, do not set them as an example.
5. Do not judge your child for any failures; rather, support him.
6. If a child is painfully worried about a grade he received at school, or because of something else that he didn’t succeed in, then you can try to devalue the failure, show the child that it doesn’t really matter and, especially, not influences your attitude towards him. For example: “You think you get a C in math, so what?” Just don’t devalue the child’s efforts to achieve results; on the contrary, it’s important to show him that he’s doing great, even if he didn’t complete everything with an A+.
You don’t love your child because of his grades or because he is obedient, neat, polite, a good student, etc.?
How to get rid of the excellent student complex as an adult?
1. Realize. that some of your feelings, emotions and actions are caused not by the real situation, but by fears of not being liked by others, not meeting their expectations. The excellent student complex takes you back to childhood, and you are afraid of not meeting the requirements of your parents or teachers.
2. Figure out whether the people around you really expect you to always perform “excellently”? By the way, we often tend to attribute to others what they do not actually think.
3. Allow yourself the right to make mistakes and not always be a perfect person in everything and always.
4. Realize when you are controlled by the excellent student syndrome, and when your actions and emotions do not depend on it. In other words. put your excellent student complex under conscious control.
5. Stop expecting constant approval from people around you and compare yourself with others. In fact, it is not you, but that same child who has developed the feeling that he is loved only when he does everything perfectly, should be the best.
6. Want the excellent student complex to stop controlling you. Start fighting it, take action.
The most difficult thing in getting rid of the excellent student complex is giving yourself permission to not always live up to the expectations of others.
By the way, we often invent these expectations ourselves. A person with excellent student syndrome attributes to others something that they supposedly expect from him. He believes that if you always do good things to those around you, then they will do the same to him. But in life this does not always happen. And why should other people live up to your expectations? Where do the legs of this belief come from? Is it not from our childhood, when we were taught that we must always be good, and for everyone?
A person with excellent student syndrome often cannot start doing something new or finish what he started. The reason is simple. He needs an A, that is. we must strive for the ideal. But the ideal is far away and not always achievable, at least in his imagination. And next to us are people who, from the point of view of an “excellent student,” are slacking, but at the same time feel confident and achieve success. What feeling does an “excellent student” have? That's right, most often there is resentment and a feeling of injustice.
But life is not always fair, especially from the point of view of “excellent students.” Decide what is more important to you: always achieve results even to the detriment of yourself or your own interests.
Learn to prioritize where your personal interests come first.
Add more selfishness to your actions. Without it in moderation, life is not very attractive, just like food without salt.
It’s impossible to please everyone, and why would you? Think about how you can use your excellent student syndrome so that it not only hinders your life, but sometimes helps you achieve your goals. Precisely our own, not strangers! He can help you do something better than others. But you just need to do this for yourself, to realize your goals, and not to earn the approval of others, who most likely will not appreciate it. By the way, many people are irritated by excessive perfectionism. especially when it is imposed and demonstrated. A person with excellent student syndrome can often irritate others because... places increased demands on others. And who likes it?
If excellent student syndrome is controlled, then it is quite capable of not only ruining life, but also helping in some way. But he cannot be given complete freedom.
The excellent student complex can cause the so-called impostor syndrome.
It seems to a person that his successes and achievements are undeserved. Therefore, he devalues them, is embarrassed, explains them by chance or some external circumstances. This should not be confused with modesty. In the case of impostor syndrome, a person is truly unsure of himself and his right to success and achievement. Modesty is manifested by a person consciously, but impostor syndrome is not realized.
How to recognize “excellent student syndrome”
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– How to distinguish a person with “excellent student syndrome” from a real excellent student?
– A person with the syndrome does not accept criticism. He often experiences uncertainty: his condition is like a swing, where the thought “I am the best” is quickly replaced by the thought “I am a loser and a nonentity.” If you need to start a new business, a person with “excellent student syndrome” falls into a stupor - because he does not know in advance whether he will do an excellent job.
Another important sign of the “excellent student syndrome” is jealousy of the successes of others: “How come this person did better, but I can’t keep up with him?” The child begins to rejoice at other people’s failures and envy.
We envy when we see someone did something that we could have done, but didn’t. Either we would like to do it better, but we didn’t succeed, or we wanted to do it perfectly, and someone did it. Envy is an inevitable consequence of the “excellent student syndrome.”
Another sign is when a child begins to become very dependent on praise. For example, he begins to have tantrums when someone does not appreciate how he performs household duties. Although his responsibilities are small - take out the trash or feed the cat.
There is also a fear of failure - for example, a child honestly prepares for an exam, but gets a bad mark. Because he started writing, made a mark and understands: he will no longer get an A for this work. And he doesn’t need another assessment.
To notice the “excellent student syndrome” in yourself, it is useful to develop awareness.
It is very useful to periodically ask yourself: “When was the last time I was happy?”
Sooner or later you notice that your life is an endless race for results, but there is still no joy from the results, the need is not satisfied.
How the status of an excellent student develops into a syndrome
Assessment at school has an important stimulating value - every student should strive for high grades. Getting an A is pride for an average student and the norm for an excellent student. Getting an A for an excellent student means nothing, but getting a lower grade means shame and reproach. Paradox: an excellent student is not rewarded for his high academic performance, but is scolded for his lack of it.
This means that you need to not only constantly do your homework, but constantly surprise them with something. The lack of originality is instantly noticed by everyone. And it is absolutely unforgivable to make a mistake:
— teachers express their opinion about insufficient preparation;
- parents look for reasons for lack of effort;
- peers rejoice at the mistakes of those who study better.
It turns out that an excellent student is a child whose mistakes are “expensive.” School performance is reflected in personal relationships in the family and at school. Just getting straight A's is no longer enough; you need to win competitions and Olympiads. But soon those around them get used to such victories. Something new is expected from an excellent student.
Remember the chess queen rule from the book “Alice Through the Looking Glass”? “You have to run as fast as you can just to stay in the same place! If you want to get to another place, then you need to run at least twice as fast!”
In life, it is not always possible to run faster than yourself. There may be a dead end ahead.
Deadlock 1. Human capabilities have limitations. Efforts often do not lead to results. Dissatisfaction with oneself appears.
Deadlock 2 . One mistake can change a relationship. Instead of support and help, the child receives ridicule, remarks and reproach. Correcting an error does not change the relationship. For the child, the priority becomes not the activity itself, but the attitude of others towards it.
Deadlock 3. Activities performed well go unnoticed. And, on the contrary, poor quality work is noticed by others.
Deadlock situations cause nervous tension in the child, which is fraught with various types of disorders. The excellent student complex is firmly established and becomes the basis of an adult’s personality.
Excellent students on the honor board
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– Does modern school cultivate the “excellent student syndrome”?
- Very often, unfortunately. Sometimes parents are even afraid to go to parent-teacher meetings.
Parents come and sit all sweaty, worried that they will now name their child and scold him in public. And then they dump their shame and anger on the child.
Fortunately, some teachers are now abandoning the practice of discussing children in front of everyone. All children have different abilities and opportunities, but at the same time equal rights.
And, by and large, publicly dissecting a child at a meeting is a kind of teacher manipulation, an attempt to put pressure on parents so that they put pressure on their children, and the children get motivation to study.
A teacher may also have excellent student syndrome, and then an inner voice shouts to her: “You must become a good teacher, the best teacher of the year, you must have the best students!” As a result, there are laureate teachers who have a lot of awards. But not all students can withstand their pressure. Unfortunately, in this case, the teacher realizes his “excellent student syndrome” through his students.
– How does the excellent student syndrome affect the current corporate culture, where there is “best salesman of the month”, “best office manager”, “best division of the quarter”?
– It fits very tightly, I can confirm this as a former HR person. When working with personnel, there is such a concept - “non-material motivation”. It is impossible to endlessly increase employees' salaries - the needs are still growing and the person, in the end, will not be satisfied. Then the employer begins to come up with some “tricks”. One of them is taken from our Soviet times, when portraits of leaders in production hung on the honor board.
The same honor boards appear, and the material incentive can be very small - for example, an extra day for vacation. This is beneficial for the corporation.
Excellent student at school
In elementary school, it is easy to be an excellent student: early successes are based on preschool education and proper motivation and do not require effort. Over time, ease of learning disappears in most children; learning requires effort and perseverance.
There are three types of excellent students:
1. A natural excellent student is a child with naturally well-developed mental processes: memory, thinking, imagination. He quickly “grabs” educational material, approaches all tasks creatively, and has good speech. He completes his homework fairly quickly and quickly fills gaps in knowledge. For a natural excellent student, studying does not cause difficulties, and if problems arise, he quickly solves them. School is easy and interesting for a child.
2. A persistent excellent student is a child who receives high grades due to his efforts and perseverance. A child sits for hours on homework, goes to extracurricular classes, completes extra projects, and all this just to get the coveted A. A persistent excellent student may not be able to withstand such a load: the nervous system begins to fail. Such a child has no free time, friends or hobbies.
3. Excellent student at the request of parents . Some parents are confident that their child should be an excellent student. High grades are achieved by any means: tutors almost from elementary school, completing assignments instead of a child, pressure and strict control over a son or daughter. An excellent student is involuntarily afraid of bad grades, since behind them there is a harsh reaction from his parents. School causes anxiety and, in some cases, fear. In pursuit of grades, parents often forget about the child himself.
The child eventually receives the status of an excellent student and is simply obliged to live up to it. He has no choice, since he is an example for his classmates. This is required by parents, teachers or one’s own ambitions.
The excellent student complex appears, most often, in excellent students of the second and third types and less often in natural excellent students.
How to motivate and not devalue
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– What words or actions can provoke “excellent student syndrome” in a child?
- For example, when they tell a child every time: “When you bring an A, you’re doing great, there will be a cake for you!” At the same time, it is broadcast that, for example, a four is not a result at all. And so any efforts of the child are devalued.
Punishment by deprivation of sweets or a tablet if there is no “A” is also a provocation.
It happens that after receiving a bad grade, a child is ignored, so that when he comes home, he encounters his mother - the Snow Queen.
For greater reliability, they scare the child: “If you study poorly, you will become a janitor!” At the same time, academic success is clearly linked to further success in life and career.
It happens that parents give their child pocket money for an A, and here the “A at any cost” principle comes into play most quickly.
– How to properly motivate a child to study?
– There is no need to focus on super results, there is no need to say: “You must be the first, the best, then we will be proud of you.” Even if a child doesn’t get first place in competitions, we should be happy that he participated in them honestly and to the best of his ability. You need to reward for any good grades, and for B's too.
I have a classmate who now teaches at Skolkovo and teaches businessmen how to make millions. He is a successful business coach and regularly travels to the Silicate Valley. So at school he was a C student. That is, there is no direct connection between a child’s grades in school and his future success in life.
It is important to talk to your child about love for no reason, so that he understands that he is loved because he is, and not because he brought an excellent mark.
My daughter is a first grader, they don’t give them grades, but they give them stickers. And so she comes from school and says: “One girl has 20 stickers, and I have 15, and I also want 20!” And I can already feel which way the wind is blowing, and I tell her: “Think about the guys who have 5 stickers or none. Has this made them worse?
That is, I say all the time: “I’m very pleased that you have so many stickers” (I don’t devalue success). But at the same time I try to make her understand:
the mark is not equal to the person. There are many things in a person. One studies with straight A's, and the other rides a horse or sings like Orpheus.
Otherwise, a chain reaction results: at work you owe your boss, you need to bring more money to your family; You need to be an ideal housewife at home, children must study ideally...
As soon as one person with “excellent student syndrome” appears in the family, the whole family is affected by the spirit of internal competition.
We brand ourselves as a loser, and he shouts at us: “Accept me, relax, stop fighting me!” It’s like with sins - we struggle and struggle, and changes begin only when we accept ourselves, including those who are rejected and weak.
When a child receives a bad grade, do not scold him or say the phrase “next time you will get better.” Tell us about how you got a bad mark, remember how you felt then. Tell him that you understand perfectly well how upset he is right now. That your grades did not prevent you from getting ahead in life, getting your current job, starting a family, giving birth to him.
There is a wonderful English proverb - “don’t educate children, educate yourself.” Don't torment your child with directives, just set a personal example.
But if a parent talks about the benefits of a healthy lifestyle with a cigarette in hand, the child very quickly understands that there are double standards.
In addition, try to diversify your child's activities, do not limit him only to school. Try to notice your child’s abilities from childhood. If he draws, send him to a drawing club, but don’t develop even these hobbies in a directive manner. If a child doesn’t want to go to class today, there is no need to force him.
If a child goes to a class and changes his mind a month later, there is no need to scold him - it is normal for children under fifteen to change their decisions and interests.
This is how a child tests the boundaries of his capabilities and abilities, this is normal.
And in general, remember that evaluation criteria may change over time - “what is good for a Russian is death for a German,” or what was valued yesterday turns out to be completely useless today.
Debriefing
What are bad and good grades? These are simply numbers showing preparation for a particular subject at a particular time. After receiving each mark, it is important to analyze it and reveal its meaning. For example, a student received a C in math. The primary task of parents is not to scold the child for this, but together with him to understand why such a grade was received. Perhaps he spent little time preparing, did not learn the material, did not understand the topic, or was distracted in class. Once the cause is identified, it will become clear what needs to be improved and what to pay attention to. That is, the assessment should not become an indicator of abilities and knowledge in general, but a mechanism for identifying strengths and weaknesses.
Doesn't show initiative
Normal behavior The child carried out your instructions according to the instructions and ran for a walk, without even asking you whether he did everything correctly.
Already a syndrome He even tries to do creative tasks at school according to a template. You notice how the child redraws pictures, as if using a carbon copy, because he believes that doing everything according to example is good. He participates in role-playing games according to a previously memorized scenario - again, the child acts according to the instructions, afraid to make any changes to it so as not to make a mistake, and his handwriting changes depending on who he is sitting with.
How to fight Focus on creative activities: enroll your child in drawing or modeling. Approve when a student deviates from generally accepted patterns. Take examples of great people who were initially thought to be a little crazy, but then they proved that thinking outside the box is the best path to success.
- How to protect your child from the flu
The more the child communicates with peers in an informal setting, the more his imagination will work and the fear of going beyond the “correct” will disappear. Therefore, even if it is difficult to send your child out for a walk, do it forcibly - set aside a time when he, regardless of whether he has lessons, must communicate with his peers.
Talks about good grades while hiding bad ones
Normal behavior A child, hiding a “less than ideal” grade, tries to completely avoid the topic of school, without talking about what he did there, who received what grades, what the teacher said, etc.
Already a syndrome In the stories about how he spent the day at school, you will not hear stories about entertainment, games during recess, or what the teacher said interesting. The child talks about grades and emphasizes that he was the only one who received 12 points or, having learned a verse at recess, recited it better than anyone else. Regularly tells stories about classmates' academic failures.
How to fight When you check your child's diary, sit behind him and hug him, and only then open it together. So, even if there is a bad grade in the diary, the baby will feel that his rear is protected and will stop being afraid that if you see a bad grade there, you will stop loving him. Be sure to tell him funny stories from your childhood and how you also received bad marks and how you told your parents about them.
- How to quickly tone yourself up after the holidays
Let your child play team games (football, curling, paintball, twister) more often - so he will understand that the result does not always depend on him, and that the result is influenced by the efforts of all participants. This means that defeat is not always his fault.
Causes of the syndrome
Excellent student syndrome develops in preschool childhood, and its first manifestations are noticeable already at school age.
There are 2 groups of reasons that provoke the development of this syndrome:
Parent errors:
Unfulfilled Expectations
“Since childhood, I dreamed of becoming a ballerina. But parents could not afford to pay for classes. Therefore, the dream remained a dream. But now I can send my daughter to ballet school. Let him study, reach heights and make my dream come true.”
Vanity
“My son should be better than other children. He must get straight A's and be the pride of the school. After all, in our family we are all academics and professors. The son should not be different from us.”
Ambition
“I want to be proud of my child in front of my friends and relatives. That’s why it’s so important for me that he pleases me with excellent grades and sporting achievements. Let everyone know what a wonderful mother I am.”
Excellent student syndrome in mom or dad
“I’m used to doing everything perfectly: from drawing up quarterly reports to cleaning the room. I want my child to be the same. I learned how to complete any task without a hitch. I will strive for this, even if I have to go into conflict with him.”
Stop overly controlling and limiting your child, while continuing to ensure his complete safety and harmonious development. Always know where he is at the moment and where he has been during the day, instantly contact if necessary and listen to what is happening around him using the “Where are my children” application.
Personality Features
“As a child, I was a timid, insecure boy. He remained that way throughout his adult life. I always think that I’m doing something wrong, I constantly double-check the work I’ve done, bringing it to perfection. I find it very unpleasant when comments are made, even if they are fair. I immediately want to cry and run away somewhere.”
New friends are constantly appearing
Normal behavior The child makes new acquaintances, but old friends are a priority for him. In his social circle there are children who are just as “strong” as he is, and he gladly follows their example, looking up to them in some ways, sometimes recognizing their superiority and not being jealous when adults praise his friends.
Already a syndrome A child makes a new friend every week, or even several. Moreover, all these children are weaker in character or worse in some way. Surrounding himself with such friends, he feels superior to them, thus standing out from the general background, hoping for this to receive the praise and approval of his elders. Like, you’re a great son, smarter, faster or smarter than Petya.
How to fight Enroll your child in sections that are interesting to him. And not because the children of your friends go there. In this way, you will create for him a communication environment in which there will be no less “strong” children in swimming or chess. During such classes, the child will learn to lose, and after defeat, get up and strive for the result (the coach will demand this), and not for its evaluation.
“Excellent students” among adults: advice from psychologists
The psychology of the excellent student syndrome is such that a person carries the desire to do everything perfectly and thereby earn praise and approval from childhood into adulthood. Only now he needs to get an “A” not from mom and dad, but from his husband or wife and boss.
More often this concerns females. A girl with excellent student syndrome strives to curry favor at work, to keep the house clean and tidy, and to become an ideal wife for her husband.
Naturally, it is extremely difficult to succeed in all areas of life. Therefore, a person sacrifices his rest and personal time to cook a pie according to a signature recipe or do an annual report in place of a sick employee.
Things continue to pile up, and the “excellent” student finds himself in a vicious circle of stress and anxiety.
So is it possible to fight excellent student syndrome in adults? Can. But only if the person himself realizes the need to change the current situation. Otherwise, he will continue to live in his usual conditions of “struggle for the top five.”
Psychologists advise:
Realize that everything comes from childhood
Namely, your desire to earn praise. To pat you on the head and tell you how smart you are. It is important for an adult to learn to praise and encourage himself, and not wait for approval from others.
Remember: the attitude of others will not change if we do not bring every matter to a state of ideality. In the end, this is not why we are loved and appreciated.
Work on your self-esteem
On your own or with the help of a psychologist. It is important for “excellent students” to learn to follow their own value guidelines without being afraid to make mistakes.
Learn to relax
Learn to relax and “disconnect” from work problems and household worries. It is important for the brain to “reboot”, otherwise it will not be able to function normally.
Compare yourself only to yourself
What have you learned over the past year? What skills and abilities have you acquired? What new did you learn?
Do not strive to perfect any work
If such a desire arises, make a mental stop and ask yourself: do I really need this or is the excellent student complex getting the better of me again?
Don't be afraid to try new things, experiment
It is necessary to realize that any action is an experience that helps a person gain confidence in himself and his abilities. And mistakes are inevitable when you start learning something new.
Listen to yourself first
Your desires, your aspirations.
Change your attitude towards criticism
Don’t immediately perceive it negatively, but analyze it. Perhaps there is considerable benefit for you in critical comments.
Don't attribute thoughts to others that they don't actually have.
Few people really expect you to be “ideal” and “good.” Everyone makes mistakes, and people understand this.
Stop blaming yourself for any mistake
Give yourself room to make mistakes. Use the “but” principle: “Yes, I didn’t manage to submit the report on time, but I did it efficiently and without errors,” “Yes, I scratched my car today, but I didn’t get into a serious accident.”
How to identify this syndrome in children and adults?
identify excellent student syndrome in a child by the following manifestations:
- He is very worried about any grade below an A.
- Easily sacrifices entertainment and socializing with friends in order to do homework or study for a test.
- Strives for high grades and praise from the teacher.
- He is sensitive to the successes of other children and begins to speak negatively about them.
- Refuses to complete tasks if there is a risk of falling into a situation of failure.
In an adult, an excellent student complex is noticeable by the following signs:
- Takes on extra work on weekends, makes reports for sick employees in order to earn the approval of superiors. At the same time sacrificing personal life and free time.
- He tries to bring any task to perfection, be it cleaning an apartment or drawing up a project.
- Gets upset over the slightest mistake or failure.
Losing is much more useful and interesting than winning. Not being an “excellent student” is a serious skill that will come in handy in life. Because victories are a byproduct of the experience we gain from mistakes and defeats. Successes, in principle, only confirm what we already know and can do. Mistakes, defeats, losses contain a huge potential for new knowledge, skills and self-understanding. It is important to learn to use your losses as steps towards accepting and understanding yourself,
– Natalia Mishchenko,
former “excellent” student, writer, author of a series of books about the development and formation of personality.
Are you losing your nerves?
— If a child complains of a headache, how can you tell whether it’s “from nerves” or something more serious?
- This is one of the most common complaints - headaches affect approximately 20% of children aged 5-7 years and more than 50% of adolescents. Only a doctor can determine the severity. Any headache is a reason to consult a neurologist. The cause may be not only psycho-emotional stress, but also vascular disorders, infections, and injuries. A terrible symptom is a growing headache, accompanied by vomiting, loss of consciousness, and convulsions. This can be the beginning of serious diseases: hemorrhage, meningitis, brain tumor. In this case, urgent medical attention is needed. Often, headaches are associated with heavy school workloads, non-compliance with the daily routine and nutrition, chronic lack of sleep and, again, parents’ excessive demands for the success of their children without taking into account their individual characteristics. Therefore, sometimes you can save a child from headaches by simply adjusting the daily routine and reducing stress. If your child complains of a headache, start with simple remedies: sweet tea with mint and lemon, a sedative herbal medicine, or 1-2 glycine tablets. If it doesn’t help, you can give a one-time painkiller. And be sure to visit a neurologist. Self-medication is dangerous!
— Is the increased aggressiveness of modern children a reality or a “horror story”?
- Alas, this is reality. In 10-20% of cases, parents come to the appointment with complaints that the child has become more aggressive and uncontrollable towards the end of kindergarten or in the primary grades of school. This is also a consequence of uncontrolled computer use. Sometimes in a conversation it turns out that the child spends 5-6 hours a day in front of the gadget screen. Addiction to computer games is similar to drug or alcohol addiction, and a psychiatrist deals with such problems. Of course, you can allow your child to sit at the computer, say, 1-2 hours a day. But it is better to encourage real communication with peers.
