Complexity always has two sides. One pushes us to change and development. The second is an obstacle to your dream, destroys self-confidence and prevents you from living life to the fullest. The habit of exaggerating our shortcomings and downplaying our strengths, like many things in our behavior, is rooted in childhood. To understand how a person can tame his complexes, let’s look at what it is to have complexes, from the point of view of the psychology of Daria Milai.
What are complexes?
A complex is a mental distortion of a person’s ideas about himself, most often arising in childhood as a result of a negative assessment of those around the child, which is stored in the person’s subconscious.
This term was first mentioned in 1895 in the work of I. Brier and Z. Freud “Study of Styles” and was defined as a set of ideas, thoughts, memories that remained partially outside the control of consciousness.
The very concept of “complex” was introduced into psychoanalysis by Carl Gustav Jung.
Jung believed that complexes can appear as a result of traumatic situations. Traumas are imprinted in a person’s subconscious and then manifest themselves in the form of bodily and behavioral reactions.
Freud believed that any complex is not a personality pathology, but is a manifestation of the healthy formation of individuality.
Concept
In the psychological dictionary you will find the following definition - this is a group of mental processes formed on the basis of deep factors influencing the development of the psyche.
Speaking about complex people, we assume that they have a distorted idea of themselves and the surrounding reality, which arose in the light of specific experiences. On the foundation of these distortions, a whole system of beliefs is born, which collectively influence the emotional state, perception of the world, and motives for actions.
The root cause of complexes is most often a specific psychological trauma of the past. Once having experienced mental pain, we consciously or unconsciously develop a certain defense mechanism that should protect us from repeating such an unpleasant situation.
Types of complexes
All complexes can be divided into physical (a person’s external data) and mental (mindset).
Physical
They affect a person’s physical characteristics, his appearance and body features. For example, weight, parameters, height, physique, nose, ears, eyes, hair.
Mental
Affect the mental and emotional spheres, prejudices. As an example, you can take a guilt complex, the position of a victim, self-doubt, and so on.
There are the following signs indicating the presence of a complex in a person:
- Feeling awkward, shocked;
- Irrational behavior;
- Psycho-emotional stress;
- Physical stiffness.
2 options for the manifestation of complexes
- Conscious (the object of the complex is conscious)
- Unconscious (the object of the complex is not realized).
According to Paul D. McLean's model, the human brain can be divided into three parts:
- R-complex, reptilian brain or action brain;
- Limbic system or emotional brain;
- Neocortex.
The reptilian brain manifests itself in a person’s desire to possess everything, the instinct of reproduction, aggression, and the struggle for power. Primitive complexes arise here.
The limbic system is responsible for the regulation of the autonomic nervous system, motor skills of internal organs, smell, control of emotions and behavior. Here complexes of mistrust and fear of expressing oneself arise.
The neocortex records incoming information. All conscious complexes are recorded here.
Reasons for appearance
Almost all personality complexes come from childhood, this also applies to appearance complexes. Any remark, bad deed or word from adults towards children remains in the subconscious for a long time. These fears accumulate and increase in size. There are many reasons for the appearance of a complex about appearance.
Psychologists identify the main reason - this is the fear of possible ridicule from others. Not only appearance can cause general amusement, but also a person’s behavior itself. People try not to be seen by their acquaintances and friends. They will try to change their appearance and behavior just for the sake of friends, because they do not want to hear constant ridicule.
If a person experiences this almost every day, it is necessary to think not about changing his appearance, but about changing his social circle. Many acquaintances are simply not worth listening to, and some are not worth paying attention to at all.
People's opinions can also be dishonest. They may be seeking revenge or simply being jealous. In the heat of the moment, they say unpleasant words that make you think and cause complexes about your appearance. People who talk about negative aspects of their personality may themselves have complexes. You must first understand yourself and determine the cause of the problems. If this can be done, the person will understand that he came up with a lot for himself. And the complexes are just his fantasy. When the problems pass, they will disappear too.
Inferiority complex
A person with an inferiority complex is prone to excessive self-criticism, a negative perception of himself as an individual, and self-deprecation.
A person is completely sure that the people around him are more beautiful, smarter, have a good figure, well-developed muscles, and have good body proportions. It seems to him that there is nothing to praise and love him for. A person who has this complex may be subject to other people's manipulations and pressure from other people. He is self-obsessed, constantly criticizes himself and feels insecure when around others. A person is determined to be reproached and humiliated.
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Signs of an inferiority complex
- Diffidence. A person is afraid to act. He does not understand what actions should be taken to achieve results. He considers himself not smart and talented enough, and does not believe in his own strength.
- Constant pressure. Due to lack of self-confidence, a person cannot cope with the situation and believes that he cannot change something on his own. This leads to additional worries, despondency, and emotional devastation.
- Increased self-criticism . A person constantly looks for flaws in himself and does not notice his merits. It seems to him that he is worse than others. Gradually, he becomes fixated on his experiences and stops noticing the good and interesting things that happen to him and around him.
- Belittling one's merits. Without seeing his strengths, a person sets himself up for failure in advance. He is sure that nothing will work out for him. Such a person expects only approval and support from others and, in order to receive it, abandons his needs and aspirations.
Take care of youself
There are many ways to make yourself more attractive. Sometimes it’s enough just to start taking care of yourself: change your clothing style, choose colors and styles that are more suitable for your body type and skin color, get a haircut. Start looking after your health: proper nutrition, facial care and moderate exercise can bring you the desired shape and clear skin, as well as a good mood, increased self-esteem and the habit of smiling. And a smile is the best decoration.
Instead of worrying about your appearance, experiment with style, think not about how to fix yourself, but about how you can take care of yourself. Agree, the desire to become the best version of yourself is better than the desire to meet other people's standards.
Superiority complex
Here the opposite is true regarding the inferiority complex. A person with a superiority complex, on the contrary, appears outwardly arrogant and dominates people.
A person considers himself better than others, that he is superior to others physically and mentally. Such people look down on others. They differ in their manner of speech, presenting words with an arrogant air. People with a superiority complex have an inflated sense of self-importance. Their perception of themselves does not correspond to reality, but rather to their dreams. Such people always look neat and behave decently, but they will never miss the opportunity to put another person in his place, pointing out that he does not live up to the required level. This is a defensive reaction to feelings of inferiority.
How to raise a child without complexes?
A person who had a difficult childhood wants to give his children a better upbringing than the one he received from his parents. However, with the advent of his own children, he notices with horror that he is acting according to the schemes that his father or mother used. What will help? Only conscious learning and conscious self-education.
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Tips for parents
Complexes appear in children from the age of two, when parents expect their child to meet their expectations, but do not take into account age characteristics. Often, the requirements for the baby are too high and inadequate. Children develop especially strong complexes at six or seven years old, when they start going to school, and also during adolescence.
- Parents form similar complexes in their children:
- The most common complex of dissatisfaction with one’s appearance: voice, height, body parts;
- If you notice signs of a complex in your baby, it is best to immediately contact a psychologist.
Actions of parents towards children that cause complexes: ridicule, criticism, insults, lack of faith in the child’s strength.
There are complexes that arise exclusively during school: the complexes of the excellent student, the poor student, the passive observer, the black sheep.
One way or another, all complexes are related to distorted self-esteem. To raise a healthy person, there must be an atmosphere of trust, support and approval in the family. A person must know that he is loved and accepted for who he is. Even if it doesn’t do everything perfectly and doesn’t meet anyone’s expectations. Achievements in school and outside activities should not be the criterion for loving your child.
Let's summarize
7 points on how to get rid of complexes:
- Determine what complexes you have and what trauma they are associated with. What is bothering you the most right now?
- Keep a diary. Write down your strengths. Which ones do you already have and which ones do you want to develop?
- Learn not to compare yourself to others. Your life is your life.
- Don't wait for approval. What you do will be done. What you don’t do won’t happen.
- Attend trainings, read books on a topic that worries you - this will help in your development and transformation. This can be a source of self-healing and inspiration.
- Communicate with healthy and successful people, learn from them, help them. This way you can see and adopt new, healthier patterns of behavior.
- Learn, mind your own business, develop as a person. Consciously shape your character. Set goals for yourself, solve your problems voluntarily.
Proper nutrition, physical activity, giving up bad habits and, as a result, increasing a person’s self-esteem will also help in the fight against complexes.
A deeper study of complexes is possible using NLP techniques, for example, a table of submodalities or 6-step reframing.
If necessary, consult a psychologist or psychotherapist in a timely manner.
Consequences
It is often easier for people not to evaluate themselves than to begin to believe in themselves. As the symptoms of the complex begin to progress, the individual's behavior changes and can affect the family. As a result, the married couple will break up, and the notorious person will no longer be able to become happy: his terrible appearance led to divorce. If the patient does not love himself, then the people around him will not respect him. The search for one’s own negative qualities will lead a person to accept the problems that arise as a normal phenomenon.
Often people who feel indecisive about their own abilities remain lonely. They simply withdraw into themselves, after which they lose friends and loved ones.
If an appearance complex is accompanied by a superiority complex, then you can lose the trust of your relatives.
When the appearance complex reaches its final stage, mental trauma occurs. It can even drive a person to suicide. This way the patient will solve all his problems. If there is no acquaintance or relative nearby, then unauthorized death may occur. With a complex appearance, people often turn their plans into reality.
An untreated complex can cause divorce
