One of the most unpleasant situations in a relationship is sudden neglect from a man. It doesn’t matter when this moment came: at the beginning of communication, after a couple of dates, or already in an established, seemingly successful and happy couple. The sudden cooling of a partner hurts self-esteem. And most importantly, it leaves you in limbo. It is not clear why this happened? It is unclear whose fault, what is the mistake? Was it possible to foresee such a situation? So what's now? In most cases, it is men who suddenly disappear into space. This is their typical behavior strategy. And women are increasingly asking the question: how to behave correctly if a man moves away?
Psychologists who study the characteristics of the mentality and behavior of representatives of the stronger sex warn that cooling and sudden distance towards a woman at different stages of a relationship will occur in most cases. But the reasons why he pulls away and disappears can be very different:
- the man got what he wanted in the relationship, and he no longer needs the woman;
- on the contrary, he realized that he could not get what he wanted from his partner, and left in search of more “accommodating” candidates;
- pushes through her friend’s boundaries, experimentally finds out what is possible with her and what is not;
- in principle, does not plan close and long-term relationships, therefore interrupts their development at the peak;
- manipulates a woman, trying to subjugate her and make her dependent;
- gets perverted pleasure from the fact that the partner is in tension;
- selfish, does not think at all about the feelings of other people;
- frightened by rapid rapprochement or suspects a friend of selfish interests;
- needs a temporary pause, distance in order to make a decision about his future life or deal with accumulated problems in other areas (business, health, relationships with family or ex-partner);
- has parallel relationships;
- Over time, he has cooled down and no longer experiences the same feelings;
- incapable of dialogue, does not know how to otherwise “report” a violation of one’s boundaries, and much more.
Agree that with such different sources of the problem, you first need to think about the possible reasons why a man avoids a woman, and only then develop a strategy of behavior.
Fear of a serious relationship
Representatives of the fair sex, consciously or unconsciously, in most cases are committed to a serious (that is, long-term and close in distance between partners) union. There is only a grain of humor in the joke that “he just opened the door for her, and she had already thought about what to name their children together.”
A man, when he meets, meets, falls in love, or simply desires a woman, does not make any plans. He is more likely to be in the “here and now” state. Therefore, realizing that the relationship can become close, and even more so, seeing that the woman expects “seriousness,” the man experiences sensations similar to hitting a wall with a running start. And - he moves away at least for a while.
What will be the result of his “disconnection” or “solitude” is unknown even to himself. Upbringing, character, parental attitudes, personal maturity are different for everyone. Where one person, taking a break, understands that “this is my woman, and I’m ready...”, another decides to “take a walk,” “postpone,” or even “see all options.”
When cooling is caused by precisely such fear, if a man temporarily ignores a woman, then she cannot influence the situation. The only reasonable behavior... take a break too!
Imagine there is an elastic band between you and your partner. The man pulled away, pulling it on. It’s unpleasant for you, you want to shorten the distance so that the tension becomes less. You get closer - he moves away again.
In fact, it’s worth being patient and, overcoming resistance, also moving away somewhat and doing other things. Tension will then arise for the man, testing his strength. The attraction to you or the partner’s character, his personal potential is weak - the elastic band will break. He needs you - the increased tension will make him fly to you with all the force of return.
To be fair, it should be noted that a conscious and well-mannered man will warn a woman that he needs a break, or will try to justify it somehow (being busy, leaving, solving problems in other areas). But sometimes the fear of getting too close (by your partner’s standards) is precisely what deprives you of awareness.
Manipulations of ignoring and cooling
Psychologists warn that the “scourge” of our time is the increase in the number of people with narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissism, although considered a variation within the normal range, is a fairly serious reason to think about whether you need such a partner in principle.
Narcissists are characterized by a lack of empathy, a sense of superiority, and a desire for manipulation for gain. Moreover, the latter will be expressed not only (or not so much) in material goods, but also in feeding one’s own “I” due to the admiration, and then the dependence of the other half.
The narcissist consciously or not really tries to cause in his partner (and often in parallel in many partners at once) withdrawal akin to a drug addiction. First, he “gets you hooked” with beautiful courtship, an imitation of violent passion (he is incapable of real passion), and then disappears. The woman begins to rush around, not understanding what happened, to seek renewed contacts, to repent of non-existent sins. The narcissist returns, organizing the honeymoon period again. After a couple of such “swings,” the partner may break. Confused by the man's blatant manipulations, the woman stops wondering why the man either shows interest and passion, then suddenly ignores her, not even answering calls. And in fear of the possible loss of such a bright partner, who has become a kind of “love heroin” for her, she is ready to endure any relationship, to give everything she has.
Signs of a narcissistic personality type are:
- blatant disregard for your feelings (he is simply unable to understand them): “What’s wrong? I’m here now (I called, I want to come, etc.). Lets do it…";
- gaslighting (denial of a fact according to the principle “you are black for him, he is white for you”): “I didn’t see your calls! I didn't have a phone. I've lost my contacts. You have misunderstood it…"
Therefore, if a guy or man ignores messages, disappears without warning, and then returns as if nothing had happened, then it is worth soberly analyzing his behavior in terms of signs of narcissism. In such cases, a woman needs to literally think about her own safety. If not physical, then psychological, for sure.
But there may also be “mild” cases when a man does not have a pronounced narcissistic component, but has a craving for some manipulation. With them, the guy tries to “test” the strength of the girl’s personal boundaries, to understand what he can afford with her. What if she is undemanding and you can “not bother” with her? The famous athlete Nikolai Valuev says that he seriously “took a closer look” at his future wife when the fragile girl was not afraid to scold him for ruining a date, warning that she would not tolerate this anymore. The giant was imbued with respect for the woman’s self-esteem.
The famous psychologist, master of metaphor Olga Naumova compares this situation with a yard swing in the form of a long board. One child moves away, pressing with his weight, so that the second is in a suspended state, torn off the ground, and he himself “slides” closer. And we all remember that on a swing, on the contrary, it was also necessary to move away and “push” in order to equalize the balance.
Demonstrating your own dignity and confidence sharply reduces the desire to test your strength.
A guy's lack of self-confidence as a reason for distance
Complexes are the reason why a man avoids a woman with whom he is obviously in love. For young people and introverted men with high sensitivity, doubts and low self-esteem hinder the development of relationships.
Experiences, lack of self-confidence and in their partner, memories of past traumas on the love or family “front” can be so painful for them that men cannot stand it and move away.
Pride, the idea that “men don’t cry,” shame, and the lack of skills to discuss your feelings with someone prevent you from demonstrating your weaknesses and pain points. And the “stronger” sex simply leaves contact!
In some cases, a guy may feel embarrassed about his relationship with a particular girl.
There are many reasons why a man is embarrassed to show his woman to others and begins to move away from her:
- big difference in social status, age, origin;
- intersection of love and business relationships, teamwork;
- negative attitude of family and loved ones;
- family dysfunction;
- unfinished or extremely traumatic past relationships;
- mistakes of the past that he is afraid to reveal to his partner and much more.
Ignoring as a reaction to a girl’s overly intrusive behavior
Men are adherents of the traditional scheme: the stronger sex is the “hunter”, the woman is the “prey”. And if the roles are too obviously confused, that is, it is the relationship partner who persistently begins to take the initiative, then they don’t like it.
At best, a man will try to distance himself in order to restore a balance that is comfortable for him, at worst, he will cut off all ties and ignore the overly intrusive girl.
This does not mean that the initiative should come only from the stronger sex. Modern culture allows a woman to be the first to meet someone, write, call. But at the same time, you should avoid “frontal attacks”, paying more attention to the search for common interests, topics, and activities.
Ignore because of resentment towards a girl
Every man has his own principles, the violation of which he will not allow. We all remember the classic scene from “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears,” where Gosha disappears for several days. And the reason is not even that Katya turned out to be more successful than him in life. “She deceived me!” - that’s what unsettled the hero of the film.
One of the reasons why a man may suddenly begin to ignore a woman is precisely a violation of the “basic” principle of man. You can come across such “pain points” completely by accident, and then wonder why your partner disappeared.
Psychologists recommend already at the very beginning of dating to discuss what is unacceptable for a man in a relationship, and give him the same feedback about yourself.
Cooled down feelings
In the process of a long-term relationship, sooner or later cooling occurs. Men react more sharply than women to the lack of novelty, routine, routine and boredom. And they can move away, no longer feeling the love and passion that they had for the woman before.
If you understand that your loved one, after a long period of a happy relationship or marriage, has begun to grow cold, there is no need to be afraid or panic - this is a normal situation that all couples go through. It’s worth giving him a little break, and at this time you should worry about finding new “wood” to keep the fire burning in the family hearth.
Freedom-loving2
When a man simply does not understand what a woman feels towards him, it is his lack of experience that is to blame. Now the situation is taken as a constant when a guy understands hints, but does not react to them. Such a reaction may be due to unpreparedness or unwillingness to start any relationship:
- Perhaps the lady is in too much of a hurry with her desires. A nice young man may not be responsible. He seems to be ready for sex, but not for courtship and living together.
- The girl didn’t even give me the opportunity to make my own decision. Excessive pressure can be unpleasant, and therefore the response will be silence.
- A young man just needs time to weigh the pros and cons. Especially “fast-thinking” individuals sometimes need a lot of time.
Determined women sometimes “go a little overboard” in their attempts to demonstrate their sympathy to the opposite sex, which makes the young man feel insecure. No, you can (and sometimes need to) take the first step, but here it is important to properly dose your initiative and observe the response.
Busyness as an excuse for ignoring and cooling off
In 9 cases out of 10, men explain their behavior precisely because of workload, lack of time, and similar reasons. But how objective is this excuse?
Yes, on the one hand, in a man’s priorities, work, business, business always comes first. And it makes no sense for a woman to be offended by this, just as it is stupid to complain about snow or rain outside the window.
But, on the other hand, there is no person who has not had a snack in 24 hours, has not gone (sorry!) to the restroom, or made himself a cup of tea or coffee. This means that there is always an opportunity to write an SMS or call and warn about high busyness.
In our age of multiple communication channels, even a lost phone or being in a deep forest does not prevent you from reporting yourself one way or another. Even in the combat units of law enforcement agencies there is a system for mutual notification of wives and girlfriends that their loved one will be “out of reach” for some time!
Therefore, if a man warned about being busy and reduced the frequency of contacts (but did not reduce them to zero, he gets in touch at least once every 2 days), then this is normal. And a woman should respect his business activity.
If a man “falls out” of contact without warning and does not answer calls for more than 2-3 days, then this indicates possible problems:
- addictions: computer (went to the “tanks”), alcohol or drugs (then he can clean himself up, and the woman will not suspect anything), workaholism;
- the narcissistic type, who remembers his partner only “when he feels like it”;
- presence of a parallel family;
- lack of feelings and respect for a woman, using her as an “alternate airfield”.
Therefore, to the question “What to do if a guy ignores you?” psychologists answer: think about whether you need a partner with such problems. How much do you disrespect yourself to accept this style of communication?
Shy3
If a guy likes a lady, but he makes no attempt to become closer to her, the culprit is often excessive modesty. Such men see hints, but subconsciously try to give them a deliberately incorrect explanation.
There can be many reasons for insecurity: character traits, low self-esteem from a previous girlfriend, psychological problems from childhood, etc. Even if he likes the lady, he will feel insecure when he is around. Complexity can be observed in many modern guys.
Ignoring is one of the defense mechanisms of the psyche. If a girl causes embarrassment in a guy (due to his insecurity), the consciousness will try to avoid her, so as not to expose the body to stress. The beauty herself is not to blame for this; here the man needs to overcome his imaginary inferiority, albeit with the help of a psychologist.
Think about the possible reason for being ignored by a man
It makes sense from the very beginning of acquaintance, while communicating and observing a potential partner, to analyze the characteristics of his personality, motivations for behavior, level of upbringing and respect for people. It does not happen that a man behaves in a certain way towards others, but will treat you differently.
Try to call him for a frank conversation about the reasons for the distance. Talk about how you feel when loved ones disappear without explanation or become distant. Tell us about a similar situation in your life, for example, of a friend, and analyze your partner’s reaction.
If a man has disappeared for some time, then it is quite acceptable to contact him through any social network or messenger.
When thinking about what to write to a person who is ignoring you for unknown reasons, it is better to refuse “frontal attacks”: “Where are you?”, “What’s going on?”, “Why are you ignoring me?”
The message can combine two parts: a hint that your activity has not stopped due to the absence of a partner + positive reinforcement of the desire to meet. For example:
- I'm going to the cinema... Will you join me?
- We buy tickets with friends... Do you want to join?
- Today I was in... I really liked it. It’s a pity, we haven’t talked for a long time, I wanted to share my emotions.
- I remembered how cool it was that you and I went to... I want to go there again.
You can ask close mutual friends to do the same thing - invite them somewhere, mentioning that you will be there. An adequate man will either explain his reluctance to date, or offer his own options.
If a man ignores a couple of such requests, feel free to put an end to him.
Ask for forgiveness if there is anything
Analyze your own behavior. Think about whether you have always been correct. If you have a suspicion that you unwittingly offended a man, apologize to him.
Do it with dignity. Option: “Come back, I won’t do it again!” Suitable for preschool children. But to say neutrally: “You know, I thought and realized that in ... (situation, question, statement) I was too harsh (wrong, tactless). I'm sorry!" - quite appropriate. And then, after a short pause, “cast the bait” about further communication.
A reasonable person will accept an apology. Perhaps he will gradually begin to trust more and tell you what exactly hurts him and why. The guy may not directly say that the apology is accepted, but he may react positively to the offer of a meeting.
If, after an apology, a man continues to ignore the woman with silence, then the only thing worth doing in response is to erase him from memory. Why do you need an inadequate partner, life with whom will be like dancing through a minefield: it’s not clear when it will explode?
Let go of the situation and take care of yourself
A universal recommendation for all girls and women who are faced with a man’s ignoring and cooling off: do not reduce your life only to relationships with your partner and expectations of meetings and contacts.
The more active and richer your life is, the less dependent you are on your partner’s behavior. If a woman has hobbies, her own social circle, affairs, activities that ignite her (and not just a routine: boring, unloved work - shops - home), the greater the chance that:
- a man will not be afraid of a serious relationship with you (you don’t plan to hang around his neck like a deck);
- a timid person can be gradually drawn into your circle and shared interests;
- the manipulator will understand your inner strength and either adjust his behavior or painlessly “fall off” as an unnecessary element;
- the “hunter” will feel the desire to achieve the interest of such a bright woman;
- the cooled husband will find new facets in his wife.
Psychological practice confirms that it is not even necessary to cheat on your partner or actually “hang out” somewhere from morning to night. The very internal state of freedom and fullness of interests, the “assumption” that I can fill my life without this particular man, subconsciously stretches that same “rubber band” of interest that we talked about earlier.
The more a woman’s life passes independently of a man, the paradoxically, the easier and stronger the relationship with him becomes.
Women's mistakes
A large number of girls turn to psychologists for help with the question: “Why is my husband ignoring me? What to do in such a situation? The wife is perplexed as to why their relationship deteriorated so much, what happened and contributed to this outcome of events. There is a certain list of reasons why a man may begin to ignore his wife:
- A woman forgets about herself as an individual. She begins to indulge her man in everything, dissolves in him, thereby losing his interest in herself.
- Almost every guy will ignore a girl, even one he likes. This will happen if she constantly meddles in his affairs, gives out advice, believing that she knows what to do better than he does.
- A woman forgives a guy for inappropriate, indecent behavior towards her. And after a while, the man believes that such behavior is acceptable.
In order to avoid mistakes and surely conquer a man, you should turn to the article for help: “how to conquer a man.”
