I can’t forget my ex-husband - help from a psychologist

It doesn’t matter what your social status, education, income, life experience, or marital experience are. Neither a young student nor a sophisticated and mature manager of a large company is immune from the betrayal of a beloved man. And you understand with your head that life does not end there, that people can be happy even after very serious upheavals, they can fall in love again, open the door to a new life, begin to enjoy every day again, and look to the future with optimism. But something gets in the way, something prevents you, doesn’t let you sleep peacefully at night, something makes you think:

You'll be left alone
You won't be able to trust men anymore
You'll never love again
No one cares about your feelings and experiences
You may be treated harshly because you deserve it.
He left you because you weren't worthy of love.
There are women more beautiful and better than you

It is important to note that a husband can not only leave for another woman, but also go nowhere, simply saying that his feelings have cooled down and he no longer wants to lead a life together. In any case, betrayal is a powerful blow to self-esteem, self-perception, confidence, a sense of security, and faith.

And add here your feelings for your ex-husband! The phrase “I can’t forget him” can hide not only love and longing for a loved one, for those times when everything was good, but also strong feelings of resentment and anger for what happened, jealousy , anger and even guilt .

Therefore, when analyzing this complex topic, it is important to determine the feelings that you experience towards your ex-husband. What doesn’t allow your thoughts to calm down, what doesn’t give you peace?

A separate subject for discussion in this article will be the problem of psycho-emotional dependence . We'll pay attention to it a little later.

Love and longing for a loved one, for a happy past together.

Sincere and deep feelings for a person are what once tied you together. The fact that life together was, in general, happy is an invaluable life experience. Longing for the past is normal.

Give yourself space to grieve about it. The breakup of a relationship is a real loss, grief. When we get stuck at a certain stage of grief, we cannot move on, we block the transition to the next stages, and we do not give ourselves the opportunity to accept what happened. Thus, we do not give ourselves the right to straighten up to our full height, straighten our shoulders, raise our heads high and look around.

Sometimes, by trying to repress or deny negative feelings caused by the grief of losing someone dear and loved, we only aggravate our own condition. We try to smile where we should cry, we try to remain silent where we should shout with all our might. Respect for your own feelings and emotions will make it easier to survive the consequences of betrayal.

Resentment

Your ex-husband severely offended you, broke all possible promises and oaths, betrayed you, trampled on your feelings, crossed you out of life, as if you were not in it. Resentment can be so strong that you begin to live with it. Obsessive thoughts during the acute period of experiencing grief from betrayal may not leave day or night. It seems like these thoughts will never go away!

The mind understands that one needs to forgive and let go, but the heart and soul continue to hurt. Resentment can be a faithful companion for many years.

Ask yourself questions:

Is this what you want?
Are you comfortable living with resentment?
What does this feeling give you?
Does it poison your everyday life or, on the contrary, fill you with strength to move somewhere?
Can you get rid of it yourself or do you need professional help?

Anger and anger.

It is normal to feel anger and anger, aggression and hatred towards your ex-spouse. You can't blame yourself for these feelings! You have the right to them! And here it is important to answer yourself the same questions as in a situation with resentment. Sometimes, even negative feelings can motivate us to take some actions that will later benefit us: achieving success (look at what I have become without you, what I have achieved, you will find out that I am happy and you will regret everything you have done) . However, if these feelings have a destructive impact, form and reinforce ineffective patterns of behavior towards yourself and others (excessive use of various sedatives, alcohol, callousness towards loved ones and friends) it’s worth thinking about!

How to start a new life: advice from a psychologist

When you have managed to get rid of the first pain, you need to start changing yourself - on the physical and psychological levels:

After letting go of irrelevant emotions, get rid of everything that reminds you of your spouse. Look around: what around you reminds you of your life together, what can you get rid of? Hide all things out of sight, even the smallest ones, if they serve as a reminder. Of course, you shouldn’t throw away minor or very significant gifts. Place things and objects in boxes or bags and put them away so far away that you don’t even look at them again. If everything that can mentally return you to a “bright shared past” disappears from your field of vision, you will more easily survive the breakup.
Keep your distance. Eliminate any contact with your ex-spouse. Of course, if you have children together, this is almost impossible to do. In this case, reduce communication to a minimum, communicate only on topics related to children. Don't be interested in his life, whether everything is okay with him. This way you will let him go much faster. Block his accounts on social networks, do not go to his pages, do not look at his photographs. Such actions will again and again cause severe mental pain.
Let the negativity spill out. Cry on your friend’s shoulder, speak out about everything that’s boiling over, about all your experiences. Once you speak out, it will feel much easier for you. If possible, go to the forest or other deserted place, scream, yell, pull out all the sadness from yourself. Screaming is a good way to relieve tension. You can go to a sports or gym and hit a punching bag. Just don’t squeeze the pain inside yourself!
When you feel better, find motivation to take a step into a new life. Of course, it’s easier to stay at home, sit on the couch in front of the TV and feel sorry for yourself while watching tearful melodramas. Gather your strength, force yourself to leave the house. Invite your friends to a quiet and cozy cafe or, conversely, take an outing into nature for active recreation. You have many available opportunities to become happy, take advantage of them. Remember what you liked to do before you met your ex-husband. Attend theatrical performances, go to film premieres, and do not refuse other public places and entertainment events.
Find a new activity you enjoy. For example, sign up for yoga, swimming, fitness, do handicrafts, drawing, dancing. It often happens that after a difficult divorce, women get a second wind and are quite successfully realized in their creativity.
Pay attention to your appearance. Now is the right time and opportunity to change your hairstyle, eyebrow shape, and clothing style. If you are afraid that you will make a mistake and be upset, use the services of a stylist.
Write a list of things that make you happy. Feel free to pamper yourself. If you like a new dress in a store window, buy it. If you want to go for a massage or get a manicure, sign up right away! Now you can allow yourself, your loved one, to be taken care of exclusively. Allow yourself small joys that will fill your life with bright impressions.
Set goals for yourself for the near future. What changes for the better do you want to make? This could be getting a driver's license, losing extra pounds, learning Spanish, or traveling to an African country. Choose something that inspires you. Remember your dreams before you got married, but did not realize them.
If you cannot forget the ended relationship, even following the recommendations described, consult a psychologist. Sometimes qualified help is simply necessary. And remember the main rule: if your ex-husband betrayed you, you should not give up on yourself and exist sadly. You have the right to happiness. Strive with all your might for inner harmony and joy in your soul!

How to understand that a woman has stopped loving her husband? The best advice from a psychologist on what to do when feelings fade away

Jealousy

Everything is fine in his life today! He is happy in his new relationship, he has children with his new wife, he is raising her children, he does not pay enough attention to your children together, he has stopped contacting your relatives. It seems that he has never paid so much love, attention and care towards you, and he literally idolizes his “new family”. Jealousy is a very strong and destructive feeling. If all your thoughts are absorbed in thoughts and fantasies about his new life without you, then it is better to contact a specialist without delay, because you begin to live in an illusory world, you begin to live HIS life, completely losing interest in what is relevant and important to you.

If there are children

If a couple has small children, then it is important not to involve them in family squabbles. It's not their fault that their parents' relationship isn't going well, so they shouldn't suffer from it. The mother needs to take care not only of herself, but also to ensure that the child does not suffer deep psychological trauma:

To tell the truth. Don't lie to your children about your divorce. They are more sensitive than adults, so they can immediately recognize a lie. You just need to explain in the most loyal way why the parents separate.
Allow communication. Babies love mom and dad equally. Therefore, they should not be prohibited from seeing their father. Not only can this cause psychological trauma to the child, but it will also turn him against the mother.
Answer questions honestly. Even if a child is bothered by painful memories, there is no need to try to shut his mouth or tell him that it is none of his business. He must understand what is happening between the parents. Otherwise, he may decide that he himself is partly or completely to blame for the divorce.

Forgetting your ex if you have a common child is more difficult, because one way or another you will have to contact him. To make the separation period a little easier, you should follow a few simple rules:

Spend more time with children.
As much as possible, go somewhere without them to relax.
Minimize contacts with relatives of your ex-spouse.

Accusations from close associates

It also happens!

It's your own fault
If you were a good wife and housewife, he would not have left you
He lost interest in you because you stopped taking care of yourself
I should have spent less time at work
She left her children without a father because of her pride! Why did you start making a fuss? Everyone changes! I could have been patient
You have to hold on to the man! Who will need you now?
Mom, did dad leave because of you?
It was YOU who kicked out your father!

Situations when high hopes are placed on loved ones and relatives, when you expect support, and not condemnation and devaluation of your own experiences, can greatly affect your psycho-emotional state. Here the danger of depression because:

self-esteem drops (I was abandoned, I am unworthy, I am unloved)
willy-nilly you begin to believe in the accusations of others (maybe they are right, it’s not he who is a scoundrel, but I was a bad wife)
loved ones are a source of sadness (there is no support, but there is a circle of accusations and condemnation)
hopes for the future are quickly fading (I will never be happy again, no one can love me anymore, I will never love again, now I will always be alone)

If you feel that you are under such pressure, do not delay asking for help!

How to forget a person with whom you constantly communicate?

You have to constantly communicate with a departed lover when you work together. Containing emotions is difficult and painful. However, there is nowhere to go. We'll have to endure it.

Remember professionalism

It is impossible to continue to sort things out. We will have to grit our teeth together to solve current work issues. Colleagues are whispering around, a strict boss is nearby. There is nowhere to go. Behave in an emphatically correct manner with your previous partner. No barbs - you'll only hurt yourself. Gradually you let go, the relationship will become purely business, you will let go of your lost love.

Try to remain silent about the breakup

Pretend that everything is fine. The inner demon will say: harm, take revenge. Be patient. Otherwise you will feel guilty. The husband will only be stuck in consciousness longer. And you need to let go of your spouse, fill your own reality with fresh impressions, relationships, interests.

Ignore your past husband outside of work.

Your goal is to start a new life and let go of your departed husband. There is no place for past love. Reduce your contacts to purely business ones, just resolve work issues and work on common projects. No rapprochement: memories will awaken, a false ray of hope will appear: the relationship will be resurrected, the lost love will return. Only when the wounds heal, the next lover appears, can you little by little bring your past husband closer and begin to be friends.

Psycho-emotional dependence on ex-husband

This topic that needs to be addressed is extremely difficult to discuss, since the reasons for the emergence of dependent relationships can be varied. Let's try to sort out the main ones.

Dependent personality type . Any addict has certain characteristics of self-perception and perception of the world as a whole, which form the following attitudes and beliefs in the overall picture:

I need a strong man
I need other people
I need support
I'm absolutely helpless
I can live normally only if there is someone nearby who cares for me
If they leave me, I won't be able to handle everything on my own.
If they don't love me, I'll be unhappy

Dependent types of women often say: “I can’t live without a man.” Their whole life is subordinated to the principles: “Hold on to him,” “Don’t offend him,” “Be dependent on him in order to bind him with this dependence.” Any threat of losing the object of addiction leads to anxiety and worry. And, if the relationship has already broken down, life for the dependent person loses all meaning.

Is there anything that can be done? If I realize that I am prone to addictive behavior, is there a way to somehow change my attitude towards myself and the world around me?

Yes, I have. This is a rather complex therapeutic process, but it is possible to identify and correct ineffective behavioral strategies and deep-seated attitudes of the individual.

Traumatization. Throughout her life, a woman often faced losses: the death of loved ones, illness, betrayal. While in a relationship, a woman may experience constant fear that they too may come to an unexpected end.

The fear of losing a husband can form and consolidate behavioral traits that will have a negative impact on relationships, cultivate dependent behavior and, at the same time, mistrust: “you will also leave me.” If the situation of loss is repeated in a woman’s life and with her husband, then the mechanism of retraumatization may start in her. All the deepest experiences are updated, it seems that nothing in her life can be controlled, and all her loved ones and loved ones are leaving her.

Working with a psychologist to minimize the consequences of the trauma of loss will allow you to activate internal resources and look at the world not from the height of a traumatic experience, but from the pinnacle of positivity and a sense of internal security.

Main stages

According to psychologists, the appropriate age for marriage is up to 28 years old, and for first love - 21 years old.
The latter often ends unsuccessfully, and young people experience loss. During a difficult period, it is important to understand that many people go through this; you just need to get over the breakup. It's difficult, but the situation gives experience for the future. Psychology calls separation a loss of relationship and divides this period into 5 stages, after which a person returns to a normal mental state and regains the ability to build a happy life.

READ How a woman can decide to divorce her husband: advice from a psychologist

Negation

This stage occurs after the woman finds out about the divorce. The first reaction manifests itself differently for everyone. Screaming and hysteria or complete numbness and apathy. The girl is in a state of shock, she is scared and she does not understand how she can forget her ex-still beloved husband and start a free new life. The realization of the man’s departure and the lack of a future together has not yet come. Denial is a painkiller that temporarily pushes away the bitterness of parting. With her mind, the woman understands everything perfectly, but her heart does not want to put up with the current situation.

As a rule, ladies withdraw into themselves, cut off all contacts with others, and perform all necessary actions without any enthusiasm. At the end comes the stage of denial. The woman hopes that the man will come to his senses and return.

During this period, it is important not to be alone with your worries, but, on the contrary, to be more with friends or burden yourself with everyday worries. Thanks to constant employment, there is simply no time left to worry.

Anger

This stage is marked by the manifestation of rage and hatred. As a rule, they are aimed at the ex-spouse or his new passion. The woman is angry that he caused her this pain and did not give her a chance to improve the situation.

In addition, negative emotions are projected onto other potential culprits in the breakdown of relationships. These include friends who knew about her husband's infidelities, or acquaintances who could have contributed to his decision to leave. Accusations can also be directed at fate or evil fate, higher powers and other circumstances that provoked this situation.

There is no point in being ashamed of your emotions and pushing away loved ones who want to support you. On the contrary, if you share your experiences, throw out all the pain and resentment, it will become much easier.

Bargain

After the first awareness of what happened, a period of relative conscious analysis of the situation begins. When the reason for her husband’s departure is revealed, the girl tries to build a dialogue with him and agree on restoring the relationship.

Most often this is accompanied by a large number of phone calls and messages asking them to forgive all mistakes and come back. She tries to come up with various ways to return everything to its previous places, not wanting to put up with what is happening. And also the woman blames herself for what is happening, but in most cases this does not correspond to the real reason for the man’s departure. A woman is afraid to look into the future, so she clings to the past.

To cope with such a state, you need to limit possible contacts with your ex and try to give yourself as few attitudes as possible like: “I love him and I can’t live without him.”

Depression

This stage is the most difficult. The woman feels absolutely helpless and lost. She doesn’t know how to forget her ex-husband forever. During this period, emotional experiences reach maximum strength and can be felt even physically. It comes after full awareness of the end of the relationship. If a depressive state drags on for too long, it can lead not only to psychological problems, but also to deterioration in overall health. In such a state, a girl can commit rash and very terrible actions, even causing harm to her own health.

Now, more than ever, a lady needs the support and care of others. It is not recommended to experience depression alone.

Adoption

The last stage consists of two parts: acceptance and humility. The girl finally understands that the past cannot be returned, she is looking for ways to forget her ex-husband forever and let go of the situation, trying to adapt to new living conditions. Mental wounds gradually heal, the pain of loss passes. The woman gradually returns to her usual rhythm of life and begins to make plans. Perhaps he will even start looking for a new partner. The main criterion for the beginning of the last stage is the lady’s peace of mind even after contact with her ex.

Now it is important for her not to give up, try to raise her self-esteem, and also believe in her uniqueness.